Drinking Jokes
Two drunk men were out bird-hunting.
Suddenly, one of them said,"Hey! I see two birds!"
"Well, shoot then,"said the other man.
"But which one do I shoot?"
"Hmm...take another drink,"the other man said, handing him the bottle.
"Hey! Now I see three!"exclaimed the man.
"Good. Shoot the one in the middle."
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in ATLANTA.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink
jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch
and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and
is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT!
NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No....."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"
A guy goes into work with a really bad hangover.
His buddy looks at him and says "You look like shit. Rough night huh?"
They guy says "I'm so ashamed, last night I went home and blew chunks."
His buddy says "That's not so bad, I've done that plenty of times."
The guy says "You don't understand....Chunks is my dog."
A cop was sitting in his car outside a bar waiting for the drunks to come out. Sure enough a very
drunk man soon staggers out. He stumbles around putting his keys into different cars until
he finally find his. He gets in and fumbles around some more trying to get the car started.
The cop watches him and soon the lot is empty and they guy is still trying to start
his car. They guy finally gets the car started so the cop stops him and gives him a
Breathalyzer test. It reads 0.0. The cop is stunned and asks they guy how can you be so drunk and
get a reading of 0.0. The guy answers "Because I'm not drunk. I'm the designated decoy."
One night Sam went out drinking only to find the next morning he had two rings around his
penis. Immediately he went to the doctor. After the doctor's exam, he said, "I have some
good news and some bad news. The good news is the red ring is lipstick and the bad news is the
brown ring is Skoal."
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party
was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife,
"What the hell happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
A drunk was staggering through the park when he saw a
young jogger doing push-ups as part of his warm- ups.
The drunk stood there a moment then said,
"Washmadder pal ? Lose your girl ?"
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