Jokes
There once was 3 guys who went to an adult pleasure store to buy dildos. 1. the first guy
bought a wooden one. 2. the second guy bought a glass one 3. the third one bought a
20 foot long dildo. The next day the 3 guys came back to the store. The first guy said
he wants his money back because it gave his girlfriend splinters. The second guy says
he wants his money back because it cut his wife. So after that the owner said to the 3
guy let me guess you want to return your too. The 3 guy says HELL no I came to
thank you. The owner asks why and the 3 guy goes see that girl over there BAM got her
A Prayer for the Stressed
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays
And help me to remember.....When I'm having a really bad day,
And it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger.
Amen
"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" the suspicious wife sneered.
"No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and
asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his
wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you
were looking for tampons for your wife?". He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I
sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada. Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, "Remember, only one moose, because the plane wouldn't be able to take off with more weight than that." The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose. The pilot fumes, "I told you guys only one moose, you'll have to leave one because we won't be able to take off with that much weight." "Oh, c'mon," beg the two hunters, "Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, you're just a chicken." Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake, straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the lake. A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, "Where are we?" To which the other hunter replies, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than last year."
"Wanna play horse?"
"Sure!"
"Okay, I'll be the front end, and you just sorta be yourself."
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket
and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman,
my wife appears out of nowhere."
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the
usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and
decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. Each side would have five years to
breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They
selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter to rebreed. After five years
the biggest meanest dog the world that had ever been seen had been bread. Its cage needed
steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for
the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a NINE foot long
Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way
that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were
opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the
Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the
American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund
opened it's mouth and consumed the entire Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left
at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the
world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", one of the American
replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look
like a Dachshund."
Station #1:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.
Station #2:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South
to avoid a collision.
Station #1:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Station #2:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Station #1.
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A
LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Station #2.
This is the Puget Sound lighthouse. It's your call.
A fourteen year-old boy nervously tells his parents that he's no longer a virgin and is surprised
when his father says, "Well, I guess there's no way to stop a healthy young fellow from
doing what comes naturally!"
Relieved, the boy says, "right, Dad! Thanks for not getting mad!"
"I only hope you were as careful as possible," says his mother, "and that you'll continue to be
careful in the future."
"Oh, yes, Mother! Nothing to worry about! In fact, my ass is so sore I won't be doing that again
for a long time!"
Harry has been going to the beach every day since summer started,
getting hornier and hornier, but he can't seem to meet any women. One
night he's having a drink in a place on the boardwalk when he spots an
old friend walking past with a gorgeous girl on each arm. Next day he
meets the same old friend and asks him what the secret is.
The friend tells him, "It's simple: just slip a sweet potato in your
trunks and take a stroll along the beach. You'll soon have all the
women you can handle."
Harry thanks his old pal, stops at a vegetable store on his way to
the beach, buys a good size sweet potato, drops it in his trunks and
starts strolling on the beach: Nothing happens on the first day, the
second or third day. On the fourth day he runs into the old friend who
gave him the advice, so he takes him aside and tells him the sweet potato
trick isn't working for him. The friend looks him over sadly, leans
closer and whispers, "Harry, try putting it in the front!"
This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll ya have?"
The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China. They decided
to become American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu - called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
and Fu had to go back to China.
A guy goes to the doctor and says " Doc my pecker has turned orange." The doctor takes a look and says "I've never seen anything like this before. We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work a chemical plant?" The guy answers "No. As a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple of months now, and I've just been sitting around the house watching pornos and eating cheetos."
How to impress a woman....Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, protect her, wine and dine her, listen to her, support her, hold her, love her.
How to impress a man.....Show up naked, bring beer
Santa asks a little girl "What do you want for Christmas?"
The little girl says "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the girl and says "I thought Barbie comes with Ken?"
"No." says the girl "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."
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