Unsorted Stuff
GOOD GIRLS & BAD GIRLS
Good girls send you home with a kiss.
Bad girls don't send you home until they're done.
Good girls send you home from you first date hoping for more.
Bad girls send you home from the first date with wet fingers and a tired tongue.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own old fashion panties.
Bad girls love to wear G strings, when they wear any panties at all.
Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls say, "Don't... Stop..."
Bad girls say, "Don't Stop...
Benefits if Being Female
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous
- guys look like complete idiots in ours.
When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous.
When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
We can be groupies.
Male groupies are stalkers.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
We know The Truth about whether size matters.
If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can be bitches and men let us get away with it by calling it PMS.
We can use our woman's prerogative and change our minds and it's ok.
We don't have to belch out loud to entertain our friends.
We have the ability to bat our lashes and get our way,
if men do it yo think here's something in their eyes.
We get better presents from our kids.
We can have close male friends and not have it called being unfaithful.
We usually get the better end when it comes to divorce.
We can bring on the tears and men will always fall for it.
We can cry at sad movies and our friends won't think anything of it.
We can change our looks just by changing our hair styles.
Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd
had the previous night with this guy she brought home.
"Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked
"The bastard called me a slut!" Mary said.
"And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked.
"I told him to get the fuck out of my bedroom and take his eight
friends with him!" Mary said.
Q: How many faggots does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.
Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house
at the local Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place.
Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages.
Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"
"A lawyer? Why??"
"We need someone who speaks their language!"
A man whose wife had just given birth to their first child was visiting the
hospital nursery to see his new son. As the proud father was admiring his
handsome baby through the glass partition, he could not help but notice that
the baby in the next bassinet seemed frail and sickly looking by comparison.
Just then a nurse went walking by and the man stopped her for a moment.
"What's the matter with that little fellow?" he asked. "He seems awfully
puny and underweight."
"He's one of those artificial insemination babies," explained the nurse,
and he's been coming along rather slowly, I'm afraid."
"Well, that sort of confirms a theory of mine," said the man.
"What's that?" asked the nurse.
Replied the man with a smile., ... "Spare the rod and spoil the child,"
Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his
brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."
Why do women have 2 sets of lips?
One to argue with and one to apologize with.
Down at the Bowery a wino told his drinking buddy, "I'll never forget the
first time I turned to drink as a substitute for women.
"Yeah ? What happened?" his friend inquired.
"I got my dick stuck in the neck of the bottle." the wino answered.
Why is having a good crap better than sex?
-Because you don't have to kiss it afterwards!
Q: Why do Arkansas horses run so fast?"
A: Because they've seen what the farmers do to the sheep.
Q: What's the definition of a fart?
A: A turd honking for the right - of - way.
A yuppie walked into a doctor's surgery and demanded the
quack have a look at his dick.
"Why, what's wrong with it?" the doc asked.
"I'll show you", the yuppie yelled, and dropped his trousers.
His dick was the size of a jellybean, and the doctor couldn't
help himself. He burst out laughing.
"It's nothing to laugh at," complained the yuppie, close to tears.
"It's been swollen like that for the last three days!"
Three pregnant woman were happily knitting in a doctor's waiting room.
After a while, one of them put down her wool and swallowed a pill.
"If you don't mind me asking," the woman next to her said, "What was the tablet you just took?"
"Iron," the woman replied. "I don't want my baby to be anemic."
The mum-to-be smiled, stopped knitting, then popped a tablet of her own.
"I take calcium," she explained. "I want my baby to have strong bones."
A few minutes later, the third expectant mother laid her knitting needles aside
and emptied half a bottle of medicine down her throat.
"It's Thalidomide," she volunteered. "I don't know how to knit sleeves!"
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took
$300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed MP replied.
"You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
Two men were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first one, "as soon as I get home,
I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" his friend asked.
"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me," he replied
Melissa was toweling off in front of the mirror when she
noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates..
"I know you haven't been getting much lately...but I
didn't know you were so worried about it!"
Two prisoners were having a chat.
The first one said. "I've go two tickets for the warden's ball, Do you want to buy one?"
"No thanks" said the second guy. "I can't dance."
"It's not a dance" said the first prisoner. "It's a raffle!"
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle.
"I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
Two men were walking along a Kentucky road when they
were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.
One of the men was thrown through the windscreen and his friend
was knocked down an embankment.
The first man was charged with breaking and entering
and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.
"Who will give the bride away?" asked the preacher.
"I could," came a voice from the back of the church,
"but I'm keeping my mouth shut."
Joe walked in the door after work and announced his arrival
"I'm upstairs taking a douche," his wife called out.
"I thought I told you never to talk like that," Joe said.
"What do you want?" his wife replied. "Good grammar or good taste?"
A man and his wife are going at it.
Fifteen minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes.
Sweat is pouring off both of them.
The wife finally looks up and says,
"What's the matter, darling, can't you think of anyone else, either?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Hottwot."
Miss Hottwot: "Well, give me the good news first, Doc."
Doctor: "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone."
Miss Hottwot: Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?"
Doctor: "We don't know what killed them."
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said
"I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
‘Yes,' motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand
and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
‘Yes.'
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
‘Yes.'
"What else?"
The monkey motioned ‘Screwing.'
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
‘Yes.'
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking
and screwing before they wrecked."
‘Yes.'
"What were you doing during all this?"
‘Driving' motioned the monkey.
CAT DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to
eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape,
and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...
must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I
was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning
foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid.
My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and
smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I
overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn
what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an
informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak)
and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
Q: What's the most amazing thing about AIDS?
A: It can turn a fruit into a vegetable!
Q: What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A: Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid- delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place . . .
You either married it or gave birth to it.
What he said......
"IT'S A GUY THING."
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR."
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
"I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
"I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
"Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of
the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers
of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
"The wound is quite deep, but will bleed to death before I
admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
"What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am
hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that
you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
"Oh goodness, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
"No one will ever see us alive again."
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
My Darling,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "partridge in a pear tree". What a
thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
You're an angel.
With all my love and devotion, Agnes
Darling,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "two turtle doves".
They are adorable and I love you for them.
All my love, Agnes
Dear Fred,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest.
I don't deserve such generosity as "three french hens".
They are just darling ,but, I must insist, You've been too kind.
Love, Agnes
Dear Fred,
Today the postman delivered "four calling birds". Now really they are beautiful but don't
you think enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
Dearest Fred,
What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "five golden rings",One for every finger.
You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
Dear Fred,
I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front porch and there
were "six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back into the birds again - huh?
Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them. The neighbors are complaining
and I can't sleep through the racket. I love your thoughtfulness, but-
Please stop!
Cordially, Agnes
Fred,
What's with you and those fucking birds???
Today I received "seven swans a swimming". What kind of goddam joke is this?
These birds shit all over the house and they never stop with that awful goddam racket.
I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny.
Just knock it off with those fucking birds, OK?????
Sincerely, Agnes
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "eight maids a milking"?
It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids milking, but they had to bring their
goddam cows! There is shit all over the lawn and I can't even move in my own house.
Just lay off me smartass
Agnes
Hey Shithead,
What are you??? Some kind of sadist???
Now I've got "nine pipers playing" and Christ do they play!
They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they arrived this morning.
The cows are getting upset they're stepping all over the screeching fucking birds.
What the hell am I going to do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted
You'll get yours bastard, Agnes
You Rotten Prick,
Who in the hell needs "ten ladies dancing"?? I can't imagine why I call these sluts "ladies".
They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and all the goddam racket
around here has given them diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit!!!
The Commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned!
I'm siccing the police on you asshole!
One who means it!!
Listen Fuckhead,
What's with the "eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies??
Some of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids,
gang-banged the ladies, and are now committing sodomy on the cows. All 23 of the fucking birds are dead, they were trampled to death in the orgy.
I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!
I hate your guts, dumb shit, Agnes
Law offices
Badger ,Bender
303 knave street
Chicago, IL
Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of " twelve fiddlers fiddling" which you have seen
fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you no doubt have guessed, the
destruction of her property was total. You are advised that all future correspondence
should be cleared through this office.
I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at
Happy Dale Sanitarium the attendants of that institution have instructions to shoot you on
sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Seasons greetings,
J. Frank Cahole
Attorney
Pick Up Lines
That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
Excuse me.....wanna f**k, or should I apologize?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels.....NOW!
Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f**k? HEY...what's wrong don't you like pizza?
I'd give you a piece of my mind but I have more of something else.
Should I call you in the morning, or just nudge you?
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your place.
Have you ever had your belly button licked?......From the inside?
You must have a mirror in your pocked, cause I can see myself in your pants.
I'm an organ donor and I have an organ you might want.
Do you have a boyfriend? Well if you want a man friend come and talk to me.
Are you free tonight.......or will it cost me?
Mind if I stare at you from up close instead of from across the room?
(To a girl that's working) What time do you get off and how?
Hi the voices in my head told me to come and talk to you.
That shirt looks very becoming on you.....of course if I were on you I'd be coming too.
If you've lost your virginity could I have the box it came in?
Pardon me, but are you in heat?
Here's the word for the day....legs. Want to go upstairs and spread the word?
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
Let's go back to your place and do the things I'm gonna tell everyone we did.
Blond inventions
The Solar Powered Flashlight.
Pedal powered wheel chairs, because the disabled need exercise too
Water-proof tea bags
non-stick glue
Condom with breathing holes because there is nothing worse than a sweaty dick
A glass hammer
A new medical procedure--the appendix transplant
Ejection seat for a helicopter
This just isn't you're day......
You realize after walking and talking for five minutes that your wife has stopped
to look at something, and you are talking to yourself
You spend ten minutes tossing a rubber mouse for the cat to chase,
when you suddenly realize that Fluffy has been out hunting again.......
Somebody parks so close to your car that the only way in is through the trunk...
You find out you have been making your lunch with Miss Mew all week...
You come home and find the kids playing frisbee with your CD collection...
You come home after a family vacation and discover a yellow Police line around the house.
The lady in front of you at a packed theater has hair like Marge Simpson...
You start a chain reaction by bumping into the first of two hundred Harley's parked outside Hooters
You finally get your wife's car off the ice and rolling, only to notice your wife standing beside you
One of the firelogs you just carried into the house has a nest of hornets in it...
Redneck Square Dance
Up with the dresses
Down with the pants
In with the pecker
Everybody dance
Girls with the rags on
Up against the wall
Guys with the hard on
Promenade the hall
Girls grab your partner
Firmly by the balls
Drag him down the
Length of the hall
Make him holler
Make him shout
Put your pretty ass
Up against his snout
First lady go
Second lady pass
Third lady's finger
Up the fourth guys ass
Finger our
Promenade the hall
Now release
The poor guys balls
Then down with the petticoat
Up with the pants
For this is the end
Of the Redneck square dance
A toast
A cheerful glass with a cheerful lass
Is a mighty fine thing together.
But, a cheerful lass with a cheerful ass
To my mind is a damn sight better.
So here's to the glass, the lass and the ass.
May all three come together.
Drinking the glass, feeling the ass
And making the girl feel better.
RULES OF THE OFFICE
If it rings, answer it. Talk kindly.
If it clanks, call the repairman.
If it whistles, ignore it.
If it is a friend, take a break.
If it is the boss, look busy.
If it talks, take notes.
If it is handwritten, type it.
If it is typed, copy it.
If it is copied, file it.
If it is Friday, forget it!
Dear Friend:
This letter is being sent to you because we know you are critically
interested in your front lawn. The spring season will soon be upon us. This
is a Fertilize Your Lawn Club and it will not cost you a cent to join. Upon
receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on their front
lawn. You will not be the only one there, so do not feel embarrassed.
Remove the name at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom,
then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends
who appreciate good lawns.
You will not get any cash or checks, but within one week, if the chain is
not broken, there will be 9,915 people shitting on your front lawn. Your
reward will come later on this summer season when you have the greenest lawn in
your neighborhood.
Mr. Bigger Movements
724 Runny Loose Lane
P.S. If you are constipated, please pass this along to your neighbor. DO NOT
BREAK THIS CHAIN! One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire lawn.
There was an old man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long
He could suck it.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin:
If my ear was a cunt,
I could fuck it!
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