Lists
Safe Boating Tips When launching a boat, always back the boat into the water. Pulling the boat into the water
can really mess up your carburetor.
When waterskiing, never allow a feisty duck to hitch a ride on your skis.
Always stay at least five boat-lengths behind the whale in front of you.
While sinking to the bottom of a lake or ocean, screaming does not help.
When boating, always wear a swimsuit with suspenders. This makes it easier on the guys
with the grappling hook when they're trying to retrieve your body.
Drowning can cause severe shortness of breath. And you don't even want to think about
what it does to your complexion.
Always wear a life jacket in case you fall overboard. Also, it's a good idea to take along
something to read, in case you're swallowed by a whale. Most whales seem to enjoy Moby Dick.
Boating while intoxicated is not illegal in some states, but it's stupid in all of them.
The following Training courses are now available for women
1. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don't Need New Shoes Every Day
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After The Game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too
7. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His
8. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First
9. Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking
10. Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
11. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Can Acquire
12. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
13. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up
14. Introduction to Parking
15. Introduction to Gas
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
17. Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Filler Cap Off
18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
19. Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption
20. Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People
21. PMS: Your Problem... Not His
22. Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To
23. Sex - It's For The Married Couple Too
24. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have
25. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
26. TV Remotes: For Men Only
10 Simple Rules for dating my daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure
not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you
do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers
so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but
you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about
this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure
that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter,
I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some
kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier,
and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues
of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when
you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you
on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine
with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,
you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour
goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden
Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful,
like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there
are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents,
policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater,
and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme
are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim- witted has-been.
But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway
for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up,
the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain
sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought
my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.
HIS & HERS ROAD TRIPS
HERS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. opens window
3. asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. finally rolls down window
5. hocks a loogie
6. pulls up to a 7 -11
7. gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. farts
11. after he closes the door.
12. laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way
back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. almost hits a deer
15. curses the night
16. curses you
17. curses the large slurpee
18. stops by the side of the road
19. takes a leak
20. still taking a leak.
21. almost done
22. I think.
23. returns to car
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. yells at you for suggesting the map again
26. admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
27. He hates your sister.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn't find a dictionary.
31. finally found a dictionary
32. Couldn't spell pernicious.
33. seethes at the memory of it all
34. But she is laughing inside..
. 35. And of course you're still lost.
What he says and what he really means
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"I've gotta pee" = Get out of the way.
"I've gotta GO" = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I get your coat?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Let me get your door." = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Good morning." = That was great sex......let's have more!
"See you later." = That was great sex......let's have more!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair!
"Let's talk."= I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person
and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
"Will you marry me?" = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these "talks"
"Yes, that one's nice" = Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?
"That one looks great on you" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"Uh huh" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.
What she says and what she REALLY means!
We need = I want!
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now!
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later!
We need to talk = I need to complain!
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to do that.
You're so ... manly = You need a shave and you smell of sweat.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.
The gas tank is empty = Go fill it up.
The trash is full = Take it out
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
Nothing is wrong. = Everything is wrong.
Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
Are you listening!? = Too late, you're dead.
Are you cold? = Get out of bed and close the window!
I'm NOT angry = I'm pissed!
The dog is barking = Go outside in the rain in your underwear and see what is wrong.
You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you that ever think about?
I'm not emotional and I'm not overreacting! = I'm having my period.
Be romantic and turn out the lights. = I have fat thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I don't want to talk about it. = Go away, I'm still building up steam.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Take off your shoes and find a good football game on T.V.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
What do you think of my new hair style? = Say it's beautiful - if you value your life.
Tell me the truth about my new dress. = Lie through your teeth
Online Messages
You have been online for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line?
Please respond within 10 minutes or you will be logged off.
You have been online for 92 minutes? Do you still want to stay online?
Please respond within 10 minutes or you will be logged off.
You have been online for 135 minutes?
Not to put pressure on you, but there are other people in the world who would like to sign on.
You DO realize that you have been online for 184 minutes, right?
When was the last time that you were out side?
OK, this is getting ridiculous! You have been online for 240 minutes.
Frankly, you are beginning to piss us off.
If you sign off now, we will bring back your buddy list, OK?
You have now been online for 360 minutes.
We promised you unlimited time, we know,
but can't you just finish up now and go read a good book?
You have been online for 467 minutes.
Do you remember your family members' names?
You have been online 513 minutes.
Your spouse has left you and your dog is starving.
Do you wish to remain online?
You have been online 724 minutes.
Steve Case (CEO of AOL) is coming over to personally kick your ass.
You have been online for 852 minutes.
Do you have ANY idea how many HOURS that is?
You have been online for 921 minutes.
Do you realize that American Online averages 921 complaints per hour regarding busy phone lines.
That is because of YOU, you loser! Now log off and go to bed!!
You have been online for 1000 minutes.
When AOL went unlimited, we didn't think you would take us literally.
Now hang up!!!!!
You have been online since yesterday.
If you don't log off, we are coming over to your house and pulling the damn phone out of the wall!!!!!
Thank You.
Fun Things To Do At The Mall
Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
At the bottom of an escalator, scream, "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen,...
...But save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're, "astronaut food".
Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set.
When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments,
occasionally screaming without warning.
Test mattresses in your pajamas.
Test waterbeds in full soccer gear.....including cleats.
If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour
while rocking from side to side.
Sprint up the down escalator.
Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the, "hidden picture".
Ask appliance personnel if they have a combo toaster/washing machine.
Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils,
and whether there's much meat on them.
Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."
Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes,
and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
Play the tuba for change.
Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards,
and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will,
"give you a really wicked buzz".
"Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing, "Saved by the Bell".
Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant
and scornfully announce that none of them are, "leakproof".
"Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.
If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say,
"Thank you for calling Pizza Hut, home of the Big Foot. May I take your order please?"
Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
At the hairdresser, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
Show people your driver's license and demand to know, "whether they've seen this man."
Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store.
Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth,
and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
Things you don't see on Star Trek
The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of the type it has encountered several times before.
The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote colony of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
The Enterprise comes across a garden of Eden like planet called Paradise where everyone is happy all the time.
However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious alien plague,
for which the cure is found in the well stocked sick bay.
An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer,
only to find that it has bought the wrong leads.
A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as faulty capacitor
by the Enterprise's well trained and highly competent engineering staff.
A power surge on the bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel due to
a sophisticated, 24th century surge protection device called a "fuse".
The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange and dangerous situation,
and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien life form which they quickly pacify by offering it candy.
The enterprise is involved in some bizarre time warp phenomenon,
which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.
Somebody takes a shuttle out and it doesn't explode or crash.
A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately
some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
The shields of the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
The enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day.
Councillor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Councillor Troi's position.
A major character spends an entire episode in the holodeck
without a single malfunction trapping him / her there.
The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out again
without intervention from the boy genius Wesley Crusher.
Guinan forgets herself and breaks into a stand - up comedy routine.
Data falls in love with the replicator.
Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits and isn't tragically
separated from her at the end of the episode.
The captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people
which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale
Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt.
Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest female before she doesn't sacrifice herself to him.
Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by a new weapon / attack by an alien race,
etc... due to his darn green blood or bizarre Vulcan physiology and thus cannot save the day
VINCENT'S RELATIVES
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His obnoxious brother...............................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt .....................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle..................................Wherediddy Gogh
His Italian uncle...................................Day Gogh
His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach .................Wellsfar Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh
The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh
You Might Be a Bad Cook If......
Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren
Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yoghurt.
Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.
Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.
Your kids favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle .
Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.
Your kids got suspended from school for trying to smuggle toxic waste in their lunch bags.
Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
No matter what you do to it the gravy still turns bright purple.
You burned the house down trying to make jello.
Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few Cokes short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his corn-flakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had a another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
Fun Things to do in the Office
1. Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it periodically, bragging that you 'got the last one.'
2. Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants, staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say 'You never can be too careful.'
3. Turn your radio up full blast and sing along loudly with the song. Invite others to join you.
4. Pretend to be hypnotized by someone's screen saver.
5. Go into someone's office, grab a book from their shelves,
and begin reading it aloud to them. If they interrupt,
give them an evil look.
6. Give a secretary a copy of Hamlet and ask them to proofread it.
7. Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail.
Explain that the holes 'make it more aerodynamic'.
8. Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet.
9. Bring a TV remote control to the office and try to 'change the channel'
on people's computers. When it doesn't work, mumble something about
'cheap Japanese crap.'
10. Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a drive-through.
11. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat,
ask everyone in a low voice if they washed their hands.
12. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises,
and lick your hands from time to time.
13. Walk into people's offices, taking a careful look around.
Talk into your shirt, saying 'No sign of him yet, Chief.'
14. When the phone rings, answer by saying 'KBBL, you're on the air.'
15. Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars.
Tell them your computer just had a baby.
16. Paint your face blue and start searching around
in people's desk drawers. Ask them if they've seen your pills.
17. Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of copies.
Use the printouts as wallpaper for your office.
18. Build a fire pit out of cinder blocks in the staff room.
Place a stack of firewood in the corner, along with matches,
lighter fluid, hot dogs, and marshmallows.
19. Place a row of liquor bottles on your desk, and a sign on your door
which reads 'NO COVER!' Announce loudly that it's happy hour.
20. Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for invisible people.
21.Secretly switch the coffee to decaf.
Wait for 4 weeks and then
switch to espresso.
22.Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it
23.Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying
everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
24.Finish all your sentences with the words
"in accordance with prophesy."
25.Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook.
Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
26.Page yourself over the intercom.
Don't disguise your voice
27.Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing.
For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
28.Every time someone asks you to do something, anything,
ask them if they want fries with that.
29.Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom.
When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say,
"oh you've got to be faster than that.
30.Put your trash can on your desk.
Label it "IN."
31.Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost
them as much since you did this.
32.When someone says "have a nice day",
tell them you have other plans.
Signs You Bought a Bad Computer
Lower corner of your screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
The only chip inside is a Dorito.
You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition
to your fabulous paperweight collection
Signs You're In A Bad Hospital
You go in for routine surgery, you come out with a tail.
You recognize your doctor as kid who was mopping the lobby when you checked in.
Instead of sponge bath, they send St. Bernard to lick you.
As you're going under, your surgeon says, "Man, am I baked".
Every couple of minutes, you hear a bugle playing Taps.
All the diplomas on the wall are signed by Sally Struthers.
You and your roommate have to take turns on the I.V.
Through fog of anesthesia, you hear surgeon shouting,
"Bring the damn Scotch tape! And plenty of it!"
Instead of "patient", they use the term "plaintiff".
TOP TEN REASONS TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. Guarenteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 mins, and go at it again.
8. The uglier you are the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you the candy.
6. It's OK when the person you're with fantisizes you're someone else, you ARE.
5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't get what you want, you can go to the next door.
3. It doesn't matter if your kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt in the morning.
AND.... 1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!!
You Know YOU Have PMS When......
10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
9. You are adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
7. Your husband suddenly agrees with everything you say.
6. Your using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that say "How's My Driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT!"
5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation for batting practice.
4. You're convinced there IS a God, and he's MALE.
3. You are counting down the days until menopause.
2. You are sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
1. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you just bought it yesterday
Top Ten Things ONLY WOMEN Can Understand...
10. Cats facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. FAT clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without having to beat your best time.
5. the difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs will make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. OTHER WOMEN.
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Women (and what they really mean)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of the inbred banjo- playing geek in 'Deliverance').
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want you to be my Dad)
8. I'm not attracted to you in that way.
(You're the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on!).
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may
hear all the calls of the other guys I'm seeing).
6. I've already have a boyfriend.
(I prefer my cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if we you were in the same
'solar system' much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you!)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling
as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off guys like you)
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about
all the other men I meet and have sex with
It's the male perspective thing.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Men (and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly!)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly!)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly!)
7. My life it too complicated right now. (You're ugly!)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly!)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly!)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly!)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly!)
2. I'm celibate. (You're real ugly!)
1. Let's be friends (You're sinfully ugly!)
If Women Ruled the World
* Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
* PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
* Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
* Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
* A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
* Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
* Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
* Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
* Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
* Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."
* Men would bring drinks, chips and dips to women watching soap operas.
* Men would learn phrases like "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful," "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
* Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
* Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
* Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
* All toilet seats would be nailed down.
* Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
* TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
* All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
* During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
* Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
* After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
* For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two year old for six weeks
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