How To Give Your Cat A Bath
A five step guide to washing one of our furry little friends, without risking life, neither yours nor the lives of anyone who happens to be stupid enough to volunteer to help you with such a monstrous task.
You will need
-A cat
-A good friend (one who will sacrifice his/her life for you)
-200 meters of band aids
-Patience, and the mentality of a kamikaze pilot
-Immediate access to a good doctor/plastic surgeon/psychiatrist
-Five or six SWAT team cops (or Nave SEALS if you prefer
-A strong death wish
Getting Started
First here are a couple of things you should know about cats
-Cats hate water about as much as you hate getting your face torn to shreds by
Frantic cat claws
-Cats do not care whether you survive or not. They have little or no respect for
human life in general. A cat will, without any hesitation or remorse, tear your
eyeballs out, or remove all the skin from your body.
-Although you have the advantage of size, the little bugger WILL use any dirty
tricks he can think of, so should you.
-Do not expect to outsmart your little feline friend. It is a well-known fact that any
cat is smarter than any person who is dumb enough to try to bathe one.
OK, now you should be somewhat prepared for the task that lies ahead, although, you should be aware that no man can ever really be prepared for the ultimate test of manhood, cat bathing.
Step One
Take your cat under your arm, nonchalantly, like it was just to pat him a little. Make sure that the cat has no idea of your foul intentions. If there is a soft purring sound, you are safe. If the cat just stares at you with a suspicious look......DROP IT AND RUN!
Step Two
Wait a couple of hours, until the animal is sound asleep, and go in for a surprise attack. Sit down next to him and start talking to him, patting him carefully on the tummy (NOTE: some cats do not like to be touched on that particular spot. You should know if your cat is one of them. Check your hands/face/arms/shoulders/legs/back/groin/butt for scars to make sure). Keep this up until the cat has started purring. Put your soul into it, or else the cat will know that foul play is involved. Remember the cat has nine lives to spend while you have only one. If you have to spend the next two days assuring your wife that you love her just as much as the cat, you know you did a good job.
Step Three
Redecorate the bath to make it look like a kitty heaven. Cats have an instinct, even a cat that has never seen the inside of a bath will know what is going on the minute you take him into a bathroom. This is known as "predestinate water syndrome" and has also been observed in young human specimens. Take the cat in your hands, and start running for the bathroom. You should hire professionals (this is where the SWAT team or Nave SEALS come in) to open/close the doors for you, or else you will fail miserably. Try opening a door with a rabid kitty in your hands, and you'll see what I mean.
Step Four
-Try to throw cat into the tub
-Remove cat from scalp
-Consider getting a new cat
-Push cat into tub
-Go see a doctor to stop bleeding on hands and face
-Consider getting a new cat
-Put duct tape on cats claws
-Get friend to hold cat while pouring water on him
-Remove duct tape from inner ear, and remove cat from friends reproductive organs
-Consider getting a new cat
-Tie cats legs together with dental floss, get friend to help holding the cat down while
soaping him up
-Remove dental floss from anal opening, remove slippery cat from friends face
-Consider getting a new cat
-Get four Navy SEALS to help hold cats paws while you try to dry him with a towel
-Pay for Navy SEALS bills from the plastic surgeon
-Consider getting a new cat
-Open bathroom door and let cat go lick himself dry
-Go see a psychiatrist (go ahead you've earned it)
-Consider getting a dog
Step Five
Nobody has managed to complete step four, but if you do, call Guinness Book of Records
Congratulations! Your cat is now clean, although you now look like something one would normally cook for dinner
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