Horoscope
ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you
don't give a f**k about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't
care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding
TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well
with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear
and you constantly smell of piss.
GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply,
you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of
person who'd kill themself to win a bet.
CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money.
You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a
mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.
LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try
anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and
will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.
VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But
you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are
usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.
LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an
asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of
you. Nobody will go to your funeral.
SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are
your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your
nose. You should kill yourself.
SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are
likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. You thrive on incest.
CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean
self-centred cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably
an altar boy.
AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal
system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite.
Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.
PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have
no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to
be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.
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