Even More Jokes
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a house of prostitution."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I
explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she
is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do
have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your
buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine." Replied the cop. " Another thing, ma'am. I don't like
the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of
his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals.
Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the
lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is
broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" 'I'm not sure,
Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."
A blonde, new to boating was having a problem.
No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey... My Love... Darling... Sweetheart... Pumpkin, etc. etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked," That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names. "
Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when........the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut off the horse.
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."
A white guy, a black guy, and a Mormon are talking one day.
The black guy says, "I've got four kids; one more, and I'll have a basketball team."
The white guy says, "I've got ten kids; one more, and I'll have a football team."
The Mormon says, "I've got seventeen wives; one more, and I'll have a golf course!"
A woman is all ready to give birth to her first baby. The doctor, obstetrician and nurses are all waiting for the birth. The doc checks for any sign of progress, suddenly he feels something moving, pulls back his hand and this little head pops out, sees the doc and asks him, "Are you my daddy?" "No, I'm not," The doctor replies. The head pops back in. The obstetrician goes over to check out the situation. The baby pops out his head and asks him, "Are you my daddy?" "Nope, I didn't do it." The baby pops back in. The doctor calls the father: "Sir, the baby seems to be reluctant to come out -- he keeps asking for his father. Would you please come to the delivery room?" So the father is standing there and the baby pops his head out again, and seeing his father the little one asks in an annoyed voice, "Are YOU my daddy?" Dad kneels down and answers proudly, "Yes, son, I am your lucky father!" The baby starts tapping his index finger violently and repeatedly on his father's forehead and asks, "This is pretty annoying, isn't it?"
"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure, I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not" I replied ...
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!
Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him: "My hands shake so bad, when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing! My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday I came three times
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered that question..."
Three Canadian guys, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie.
The Newfie says, "I'm a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
With a blink of the genie's eye, the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Quebecer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so that nothing will get in for all eternity."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around Quebec.
The Albertan asks, "I'm curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Albertan says, "Fill it up with water."
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