More and More Jokes
A guy was driving down the road in his car. A prostitute walks out in front of him.
He smacks her with the bumper of his car and knocks her down. He immediately stops
the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road. She is groaning in pain.
She mumbles, "I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind."
Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and says,
"How many fingers do I have up?"
"Oh my God," she says. "I'm not paralyzed too, am I?"
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about
enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering the owner's warning John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and
instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer
immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked
outside and leaned against a lamp post. The drugstore owner had seen
the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once." John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" the owner shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Two idiots landed themselves a job at a saw mill.
Just before break time one yelled: "Mick! I lost my finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here... Damn! There goes another one!"
Mary had a little lamb.
Her Daddy shot it dead!
And now she takes the lamb to school,
Between two chunks of bread!
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the
porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself.
However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while
the scientist was well received and respected.
Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw
his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone.
He was arrested by the local police for...
making an obscene clone fall.
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.
He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he
decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under
the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has
it calibrated so her weight on the bed will not drop the
spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than
that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect
it upon his return home.
He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is
reaches under the bed and retrieves the bowl.
The bowl is full of butter....
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw
a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his
friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and
looked. The two boys were looking at a women bathing naked in the stream.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't
understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally he
caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "
My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt
something get hard so I ran."
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their
house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table,
let out a big sigh, and said,
"Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make
sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly,
"You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around,
whacked him over the head with her spoon and said,
"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"
A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency
department when a punk rocker entered. This young
woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety
of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis and
was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found
that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading:
"Keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery,
the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said:
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
A salesman was traveling on his route. As he reached the offices of his biggest customer a huge blizzard began to rage outside. His customer found the storm so bad that he could not make the drive home so the salesman offered to let him share the double-bedded room that he had rented nearby. The customer thanked him and they retired for the night.
In the middle of the night the salesman felt a hand on his privates. Possibly the other man was dreaming. But there was no mistaking it when he felt an erect penis against his lips.
When he returned home he told his wife the story. "What did you do?" she asked.
"What could I do?" said the salesman. "He was my best customer."
Jim and John were out playing golf one day, but Jim was being very quiet.
"What's wrong?" asked John. "You've barely said two words all day."
"Well." said Jim "My wife's been working so much overtime lately that she's cut our sex down to only once or twice a week."
"That isn't so bad." replied John "She's cut me off completely."
The census taker asked a girl to name her occupation.
"Whore," she answered.
"I can't list it that way, Miss"
"OK, then put down prostitute."
"I can't do that either."
"How about chicken farmer"
"Chicken farmer?" he asked.
"Well, last year I did raise nine hundred cocks."
An American was traveling on a train in England with an Englishman and an elderly Englishwoman with a pet Pekinese.
After traveling a short while the dog threw up all over the American's pants.
Instead of apologizing the Englishwoman pets the dog and comforts it saying "Poor little baby has a little tummy ache."
A few miles later the dog lifts its leg and pisses all over the Americans shoe. Again the woman pets and comforts the dog. "Poor itsy-bitsy has a cold in the bladder."
After another few miles the dog shits all over the Americans other shoe. Furious the American grabs the dog and throws it out the window.
At this point the Englishman speaks up: "You Yanks are a strange bunch. You speak the wrong language. You drive on the wrong side of the road. And you, sir, have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"
Two blonds were comparing notes after their company's annual Christmas party.
"Did you get laid?" the first one asks.
"Yes, twice." replies the second.
"Only twice?"
"Yeah, once by the band and once by the shipping room crew."
A young couple decided to hide in a barn during a rainstorm. They made their way up to the hayloft and were soon going at it. They were having so much fun that they decided to stay the night.
The next morning the farmer heard the noise and came running into the barn shouting, "What's going on in here?"
"We're living on the fruits of love," they yelled.
"Well you better stop." said the farmer. "The skins are killing my chickens."
A little boy got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. On the way he passed his parents open bedroom door and saw his mother giving his father a blow-job.
He continued on down the hall scratching hi head and muttering, "And they sent ME to the doctor for sucking my thumb!"
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island.
After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.
After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.
There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussing how much their husbands could get up their crotch.
The first women said, "My husband can get his whole hand up me".
The second lady said, "My husband can get his whole head up me".
The third lady slid down the bar stool.
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.
"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride.
"Impossible", says the sales clerk.
"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.
After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but thinks, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of your penis?"
The waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT."
The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my penis is Secret."
The waiter asks, "SECRET?"
The customer replies, "Yeah ... strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"
Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench. The town flasher comes by and shows them his ALL!
The first little old lady had a huge stroke. The second little old lady had a little stroke.
The third little old lady would have had a stroke................
but her arms weren't quite long enough.
A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."
The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
A father charges into the bathroom and starts yelling at his son "Son! How many times have I told you not to do that? Stop it! If you keep doing that, you'll go blind!"
The son replies: "I'm over here, Dad."
A man comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bonehead!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone...on his hand, and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very high-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it." "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. ....By the way, where's the men's room?" The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy, face down, and spread eagle on the floor. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my God!" says the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy says, "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."
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