Men Jokes
God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.
He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"
God snapped his fingers and it was done.
She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?"
And God created man
Him: "You don't deserve a man like me."
Her: "I don't deserve arthritis either, but I got that."
What's yellow and looks good on a man?
A steamroller.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.
We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
What do you do if your bank account stops working?
Divorce him.
How could Will Rogers say, "I never met a man I didn't like"?
He never had to date one.
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
Why don't women have any brains?
Because they don't have any testicles to put them in.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
If they do anything around the house, it's odd!
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.
Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
Why are men so concerned about the size of their penis?
Because they should be.
Married women consider a husband who falls asleep immediately after sex a good lover.
A mediocre one falls asleep during.
Why won't a man make a commitment?
He's afraid he'd have to share his beer and pretzels
How may men does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, one to force it with a hammer and four to take him to the emergency room.
What is the difference between a husband and a boy friend?
Forty-five minutes.
Why do men have dicks?
So they can play with something besides their Lego's
It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says 'You know, you're really a lousy lover.'
To which the husband replies 'How can you tell after only 30 seconds?'
What's the most useful part of a man?
His wallet.
Why do women always fall for the wrong kind of guy?
Is there any other kind?
What is a relationship?
A way to keep masturbation from getting boring.
Q: Besides his dog, what is a man's best friend?
A: His hand.
How do you know God isn't a woman?
If God were a woman, cum would taste like chocolate.
What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris??
Men will spend hours looking for a golf ball
How did Pinnochio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire.
Men are like horoscopes....
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Can you imagine a world without men ?
No crime and lots of happy fat women.
Describe the ideal man.
The ideal man has a tongue 18 inches long and can breathe through his ears.
When is it ok for a guy not to know the proper spelling of 'clitoris'?
When he has it on the tip of his tongue.
Boys will be boys, but one day all girls will be women.
Why do men have a spine?
If they didn´t, they´d suck their dicks all day long.
Why are beer cans so easy to open?
Look who's drinking them
Would a clever woman make a good wife?
A clever woman won't BECOME a wife!
A woman's job is never done because she still has to do what she asked her husband to do.
What do men and brains have in common?
Nothing, that's why they are called shit for brains.
Do you know why it takes men so much time to wash their basement windows?
They have to dig down the ladder first.
How does a man commit suicide?
He jumps from his ego to his I.Q.
If he is better than you at something, he will tell you how important it is.
If you are better at it than him, he will claim it's nothing useful anyway
Q: Why do men drink their beer so fast?
A: They've heard of evaporation
Q: Why do women date jerks?
A: Because all the sweet caring ones were hunted to extinction
Never get involved with a married man --
you already know he is a liar and a cheat
Q. How do you know when a man wants to have sex?
A. He says "Get me a beer... please"
Men - Can't live with them, can't play mind games without them!
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce,
chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned
everything up, but, he, "made the dinner".
What's the difference between men and beer?
When you finish with a beer it's still worth 5 cents
Why can't men get 'Mad Cow Disease'?
Because they are PIGS
Why are guys smarter when they are having sex?
Because they are plugged into geniuses.
Why don't women have to work as hard as men?
Women do it right the first time.
Why don't men do the laundry?
Because the washer and dryer don't run on remote
What should you give to a man who has everything?
Penicillin
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Why do black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
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Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
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Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
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Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
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What do you do if you see a field full of men?
Smile.....and reload your gun.
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What do men and diapers have in common?
They are always on your ass and full of shit.
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Why do men have legs?
So their brains don't drag on the ground.
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If a man talks in the forest and there is no woman to hear, is he still wrong?
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How many men jokes are there?
None they're all true.
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Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So they can think with an open mind.
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How can you tell if your husbands dead?
Sex is the same but you get the remote.
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Why do men like to reek of beer?
It keeps their body odour from being noticed.
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What is making love?
It is the thing women dream of while men fuck them.
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Why do men snore?
When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor-lock.
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Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
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Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time
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Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like taking orders from strangers.
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Diamonds are a girls best friend. A dog is a mans best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
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Single women claim that all good men are married, while married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
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If they can put 1 man on the moon they should be able to put them all up there.
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Why is it dangerous to let your mans mind wander?
It's too little to be out alone.
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The only reason men are on the planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy the drinks.
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Go for younger men...you might as well , they never mature anyway.
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I really didn't want to marry him for the money, but I couldn't find any other way to get it.
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You really have to feel sorry for men. They were given a brain and a penis but only enough blood to run one at a time.
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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
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Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
They are cute. They are sweet. And if they give you any lip you can bite their heads off.
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Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody about it.
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How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around?
Get married.
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Husband: "this coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem. I'll get you some that is."
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How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat, we clean/they dirt, we iron/they wrinkle.
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What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that keeps them from shitting all over the place.
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If your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you and to choose, would you go to lunch or a movie?
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What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
It's easy to blow a paycheck, even if it's wrinkly, stained or smells funny.
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Men don't really care how big your tits are. They would, but they're too busy worrying about the size of their dicks.
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What is a man doing when he pours beer on his hand?
Getting his date drunk.
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Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you.
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Why do doctors slap baby's butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
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Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
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Why do men have such big nostrils?
Look at the size of their fingers.
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Never hit a man with glasses...Hit him with a baseball bat
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Have you heard about the new divorced Barbie? She comes with all of Ken's stuff.
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How can you tell if a man is well hung?
Your finger just fits between the noose and his neck.
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Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
It helps them remember which end to wipe.
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How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None...she got the house.
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If men are so competent, how come you always see signs saying Danger..... Men Working.
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What do you call a woman who does everything just like a man?
A lazy bitch.
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What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying.
A prick is the person who owns one.
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What's the difference between pink and purple?
Her grip.
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Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy....by remaining a bachelor
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They say women don't have the sense God gave a rock....Men however do
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Women who try to be equal to men lack ambition.
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Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
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Women have many faults. Men have only 2 everything they say and everything they do.
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Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency but otherwise they just look silly.
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