One Liners
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it.
"Not a Morning Person" doesn't even begin to cover it
Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
I am in shape. Round's a shape.
"Happiness is a warm puppy", said the Anaconda.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.
On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.
Say it with flowers - Give her a triffid.
Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
Grasshoppotamus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
I hate laundry month.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry up is not nailed down.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
My computer NEVER cras
It ain't easy being easy.
STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park somehwere else!
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Question Authority... and the Authorities will question you!
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.
It's a Tough Job! ..... So I'd Rather YOU do it.
THIS definitely takes, eats and shits the cake.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
Living on Earth includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Forgiveness is easier to get than permission
It's a JOKE, like the funny kind but different.
Not many people realize just how well known I am.
Should I weed the lawn or say it's a garden?
Want a stupid answer? Ask me anything!
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
VD is nothing to clap about.
Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different.
Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.
Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.
668 - Neighbor of the Beast
All stressed out, and no one to choke...
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life.
Blood is thicker than water, and tastier.
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
He's dead Jim. Grab his tricorder. I'll get his wallet.
If it has feelings, it's not cooked enough!
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise
If it screams it's not food......yet
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.
Eat Crap! 10 Trillion flies can't be wrong
Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
Winter is nature's way of saying "up yours".
Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!
Gargle twice daily - see if your neck leaks.
I tried switching to gum but couldn't keep it lit.
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.
Women get minks the same way minks get minks.
Air is water with holes in it.
DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND - the fault is with reality
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth,
The doctor scolded my mother on her poor choice of IUDs.
I miss my ex..... but my aim is getting better
Men have a keener sense of humor than women.
The more they humor us, the more we like it.
Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Married men lived longer than single men,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
Meddle not in the affairs of witches, for... ribbit? ribbit?
I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me.
It's the sudden stop at the end.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
My husband's idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Some folks talk so much that you can get hoarse from just listening.
Never date a woman whose father calls her "Princess".
Chances are, she believes it.
You might as well go for your dreams . . . you're already stuck with reality.
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!
I used to live in the real world, but I got evicted.
I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
I tried to drown my problems but they can swim!
FAITH CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS - she's a big girl.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either
Drag the Joneses down to your level. It's cheaper
If at first you don't succeed...forget skydiving
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever
The trouble with getting a life is making the payments
A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame
Love is grand.
Divorce is at least 20 grand.
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Therapy is expensive & popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth
Not all women are annoying. Some are dead.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
Smart is when you only believe half of what you hear.
Brilliant is when you know which half to believe.
Did you hear about the man who was badly mauled while fighting
for his date's honor? She was trying to keep it.
First God created man....then he got a better idea.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Cats... the other white meat
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Psychiatrists say that one in 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends, if they're O.K., your it.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society
Never take life seriously....nobody ever gets out alive anyway.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is YES
It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
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Sex on television can't hurt you.......unless you fall off
It's lonely at the top.....but you eat better
Never play leap frog with a unicorn
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Gun control means using both hand
I like cats.......they taste like chicken
Good girls go to heaven, Bad girls go everywhere
I think animal testing is a terrible thing. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Two idiots were sitting on the floor............one fell off
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Outside of a dog, man's best friend is a good book.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
When the cat's away.....you won't have to change the litter box
Be nice to your kids.
They are the ones who get to choose your nursing home.
Friends help you move.
Real friends help you move bodies.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals then why are they made of meat?
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
We have a enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART
Women who seek to be the equal to men lack ambition.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill.
Sex is a misdemeanor...the more I miss it, the meaner I get!
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
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