Pregnancy Advice
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
*Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
*Have sex once a year.
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
*For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
*Then the jig is up.
My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
*Your therapist.
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
*With any luck, right after he finishes college.
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
*If it's the flu, you'll get better.
My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
*The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
*Yes, your bladder.
Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
*Depends on what you're doing with them.
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
*Cause you're fatter then they are.
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
*So what's your question, dipshit?
Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
*No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
*When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
*Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
*Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
When is the best time to get an epidural?
*Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
*Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
*Authorized personnel only-doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
*Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Where is the best place to store breast milk?
*In your breasts.
Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
*Yes, baby lips.
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
*It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
How does one sanitize nipples?
*Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
What are the terrible twos?
*Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
*When you see teeth marks.
What is the grasp reflex?
*The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
*Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
*They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Do I have to have a baby shower?
*Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
What causes baby blues?
*Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
What is colic?
*A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
What are night terrors?
*Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
*When the kids are in college.
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