How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Did you hear about the new home appliance?
You screw it on the bed and it does all the housework.
What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it dies.
Why did god invent alcohol?
So fat women can get laid too.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Why did God create man?
She didn't. Her husband did.
Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
What does the gynecologist and the pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell the pie but they can't eat it!
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Have you heard of the new all-woman delivery company?
It's called UPMS. They deliver your package when they damn well feel like it!
How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight. Because it just does, all right!?
If a pair of gays and a pair of lesbians are traveling to San Francisco, which pair get there first?
The lesbians, because they leave lickety split while the gays are still packing shit.
What's the definition of safe sex in Arkansas?
Branding the sheep that kick.
Did you hear about the gay man who was fired from the sperm bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.
Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.
Why is pubic hair curly?
So you don't poke your eyes out!
Why is a sheep better than a woman?
A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.
What's really good on cherry pie and really bad on pussy?
CRUST
What did one lesbian Frog say to another?
"Wow, we really do taste like Chicken."
Did you hear about the gay man that put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He`s down to two butts a day.
Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
What is the definition of a tough competitor?
In a masturbation contest, he finishes first, third, and ninth.
How many animals can fit into one pair of pantyhose?
10 little piggys, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, and an invisible fish!
What do you feed a Trojan horse?
A latex lollipop!
Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?
It comes with a 16 inch applicator.
Have you heard about the latest parachute for morons?
It opens on impact.
Why do women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it dry, so they blow it dry.
What sexual position do you use to have an ugly baby?
Ask your parents.
What is the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe!
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who's up all night wondering if there is a dog.
What's tougher than a pitbull with AIDS?
The guy that gave it to him.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you use a feather to tantalize your lover.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.
What do you call a combination aphrodisiac and laxative?
Easy Come, Easy Go
Why don't women's vaginas fall off?
Because the vacuum in their brain creates a natural suction.
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
What's the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you finish with the breast and thighs,
all you have left is a greasy box to throw your bone in.
What's the first symptom of AIDS?
A heavy pounding in the rectum.
How can you tell if you've had a really good blow job?
The sheets are sucked up your ass.
If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.
If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up,and your wife
wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Your dog at the back door is barking to get in and your wife's at the front door yelling to get in.
Which one do you let in?
The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
How do you know when you are getting old?
When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.
Where do gays park?
In the rear.
What does DNA stand for?
National Association for Dyslexics.
Why can't Barbie and Ken have kids?
Cause Ken comes in a box.
Ask your mate: "What do guys with big dicks eat for breakfast?"
When he responds: "I dunno" You say: "Well at least you're honest!"
What does a constipated mathematician do?
Works it out with a pencil.
What is 69 + 69?
A feast for four.
What do you call a woman with ESP and PMS?
A know-it-all bitch.
Why was the mermaid wearing sea shells?
Because she was too big for the 'b' shells.
Most of us worry about getting AIDS from sex,
Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides.
What does a condom and Kodak film have in common?
They both capture that special moment.
How are bungee jumping and a hooker alike?
Both cost you $100, last for 15 seconds and if the rubber breaks you're screwed.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
What do you call two cannibals having oral sex?
Trust
Why are there a few Marines on every Navy ship?
Because sheep would have been too obvious.
Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
They don't want to wear out the camel
What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
Wipe it off and apologize.
Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !
Why do they call it P.M.S.???
Because the term "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken
Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes
Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have arms?
Do you have any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud."
The other says, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe."
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
You can eat your Mom's apple pie
