Reader Submissions
Did you hear about the guy with the 5 penises?
is pants fit like a glove.
Submitted by:
moonraker34@aol..com
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and
too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of the USA is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for
State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
You know you're from Canada when ...
1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
10. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
11. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages,
but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
19. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
21. You find -40C a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You can play road hockey on skates.
25. You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
26. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
27. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials
28. You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
29. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when
they say things like, "You know sometimes I just
forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address,
my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her
birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she
doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our
bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I
heard from it the other day after I said, "Body,
how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in
vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said,
"listen witch... do it and die."
I read this article that said the typical symptoms
of stress are eating too much, sleeping too
much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are
they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy,
"It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.
From now on when you have to 'pee'
just tell me that you have to whisper'."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his Father
and during the service said to his father,
"Daddy, I have to whisper."
The Father looked at him and said,
"Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along
they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they
just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must
be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection
and the light was red again, and again they went right
through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned
that she was mistaken.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close
attention to the road and the next intersection to see what
was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
definitely red and they went right through. She turned to
the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just
ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us! "
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he
says to his new wife: Honey, I'll be right back...
Where are you going coochi cooh...? Asks the wife. I'm going to the bar,
pretty face. I'm going to have a beer. The wife puts her hands on her
hips and says to him: You want a beer my love...? Then she opens the
door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands
from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.... The
husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of
saying is: Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar .... you know ...
the frozen glass. He didn't get to finish saying the sentence,
when the wife interrupts him by saying: You want a frozen glass puppy
face...? She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen
that the wife was getting the chills from holding it. The husband
looking a bit pale says:
Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hoer's de devours that
are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise.
OK? You want hoer's de devours poochi pooh..? She opens the oven and
takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours ... chicken wings,
pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc...
But sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty
words and all that...
You want dirty words cutie pie...?
HERE, DRINK YOUR F***ING BEER IN YOUR F***ING FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR
F***ING SH*T HOER'S DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE. YOU F***ING ASSHOLE!!!...
ORAL SEX-AN ODE TO LOVE
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.
THE CREATION OF A PUSSY
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.
A woman goes into a pharmacy, and walks down the aisle. Halfway down the aisle, she calls to the
cashier,"Excuse me, do you have any batteries?"
Unable to hear, the man signals the woman with his finger to come closer.
He says, "Could you just come this way?"
The woman laughs and tells the man, "If I could cum that way I wouldn't need batteries."
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating
very long, after careful consideration, he decided a
pair of gloves would strike the right note --
romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he
went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and
the sister got the gloves while the sweetheart got the
panties. Without checking the contents, the young man
sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart.
Imagine the sweetheart's reaction when she opened the
package, and read the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in
the habit of wearing any when we go out in the
evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would
have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she
wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are
a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past
three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try
yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I
was there to put them on for you the first time as no
doubt others will come in contact with them before I
have a chance to see you again. When you take them
off, remember to blow in them before putting them away
as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the
coming year!
"All my love.
"P.S. The lastest style is to wear them folded down
with a little fur showing."
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he
knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny wailed, bursting into tears.
Confused, Pop asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh, Pop," Johnny sobbed, "you told me when was six that there was
no Santa Claus. You told me when I was seven that there was
no Easter Bunny. You told me when I was eight that there was no
Tooth Fairy. Now you're gonna tell me that grown-ups don't
really fuck, and I'll have nothing left to believe in!"
Things you would like to say at work , but can't
1. And your crybaby whiny-ass opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You!... Off my planet!
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
10. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
11. Allow me to introduce my selves.
12. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
13. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
14. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
15. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
16. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
17. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
18. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
19. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
20. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
21. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
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