Redneck Jokes
A farmer steps behind the barn one day and finds his son jerking off.
"Son save it for marriage." he says.
Five years later on his wedding day the son turns to his father and says
"Paw, I've got five gallons, now what?"
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest
issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know
that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him
wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says,
"O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her
face. About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm
sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?"
The Arkansas lad was obviously deeply troubled.
"Why so glum, Chum?" asked the kindly stranger.
"If my parents get divorced...will they still be brother and sister?"
This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and
brought her to the big city for the first time. When they
first arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were
laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a
discarded condom,
"Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she pointed it out to her new husband
As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her
and asked "What they don't use those things where you come from?"
"Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"
A redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was
masturbating several times a day out in the barn.
"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married.
But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the chicken again.
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!"
"I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says
"I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes, we ain't all stupid around here."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up,
" You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!"
Maw told her son Clem to check out the family outhouse.
"Ah, Maw!" he insisted "Thar tain't nothin' wrong with it"
"Well, poke yer head on in thar and check it anyways."
"Hey Maw," He suddenly hollered, "my beard's stuck!"
"Aggravatin' aint it?" replied Maw
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall
building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get
corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more
time, I'm going to jump off too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more
time, I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his
lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he
was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I
didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's
hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'...
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his
ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore."
"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head...
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck....
down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes inside screaming
"Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" .....
His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?"
Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the' cabin,
and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an'
lit back here... quick as I could!"
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, Ya done the right thing....
Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"
Q: What do hillbillies do on Halloween?
A: PUMP-KIN!!!
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then
peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight
& put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch".
A reporter went way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article
about the area. He met an old man in a small town and asked him about any
memorable events in his life.
The old man said, "Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my
neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked
and finally found the sheep. Then, we drank the moonshine and, one by one,
started screwing the sheep. It was a lot of fun!"
The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the
old man to tell him another story.
The old man said, "Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and
all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We
looked and looked and finally we found her. Then, we drank the moonshine
and, one by one, screwed the neighbor's wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!"
The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he couldn't write
articles about those stories and asked him if he had any sad or dramatic
memories that he could talk about.
The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said,
"Well, one time I was lost ..."
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