Religious Jokes
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem!"
What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous
ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all,
he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger & faster & more muscular
than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about &
hunting fleet-footed ruminants, & not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick. But,
you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the crowd and
then said: "Those amongst you who have no sin shall throw the first stone."
A man at the back of the crowd yelled: "Jesus, you always want to go first!"
What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
Popeye kicked the shit out of him.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to Santa
Moe: My wife converted me to religion."
Joe: Really?
Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his
bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up
and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree.
"I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that!
It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that
ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just
let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh
please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so
badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really
wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was.
And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
"What's left here for you Eve? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
The balls are just for decoration.
Three men died and were taken by St. Peter to the top of a cliff.
He said to them that since they had been such great outstanding citizens of earth that
they would be given one chance to become anything that they desired.
The first man ran to the edge of the cliff...jumped into the air and shouted "I want to be an eagle",
instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.
The second man ran to the edge of the cliff...jumped into the air and shouted "I want to be an owl",
instantly he was changed into an owl and soared off into the sunset.
The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped on a rock and shouted "oh Sh*t".........
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of
natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed.
Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with
a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
Two nuns go on a shopping trip to France, to load up with duty free.
On the way back they are just going to drive through 'Nothing to declare'
but a customs officer waves them in to the side.
The first nun says to the mother superior who is driving,
"Don't worry mother, just show them your cross."
So she winds the window down, leans out and shouts, "Fuck off!"
A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).
Devil: "We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell."
Man: "That's not so bad, whatcha got?"
Devil: "Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and
then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity."
Man: "OK."
The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads
on a hardwood floor.
Man: "Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next."
The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.
Man: "That looks worse, got anything left."
The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep
in shit, drinking coffee.
Man: "Well, the shit smells, but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one."
Devil: "Are you sure this is the one you want."
Man: "Absolutely!"
The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a
whistle blows and a loud speaker says "Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads."
A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to
no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a
private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern,
focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight
to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books strewn about his desk and
the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate,
went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies
until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly, until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight
to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A"
under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room,
thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they
had nailed to the 'plus sign,' I knew they meant business!"
The Queen of England and the Pope are guests of honour at the Annual England vs Ireland Soccer Match.
Both are getting right into the feel of things and the Queen leans over to the Pope and says, "I bet
I can make all the English People in the crowd cheer wildly with a simple hand gesture."
The Pope looks at her disbelievingly, so the Queen does her famous wave and all the English
people in the crowd cheer wildly as one.
The Pope leans over and says to the Queen, "That was nothing...I bet I can make all of the Irish
People in the crowd party wildy for a week with just the nod of my head."
The Queens says, "Well that is totally unbelievable - let's see."
A split second later the Pope Head butts her......
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest,
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night
I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."
A very pushy and ambitious salesman is trying to get the salesman of the year award.
So he goes to the Vatican and shoulders his way in to see the pope.
"Your holiness, I represent the brewing federation. We would like to offer you a million
dollars to change the lords prayer to give us our daily beer."
"Offering money to change the lords prayer indeed! Be off with you!" replies the pope.
" Okay then two million" retorts the salesman.
"How dare you suggest we change the words of our lord, get this man out of my sight."
shouted the pope beckoning to the guards.
"As my final offer, three million dollars," shouts the salesman as he is dragged out the door.
The pope then turns to the cardinal and says,
"When does our contract with the bakery expire?"
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he
stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how
smart he looked and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even
noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered
something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay
$1,000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next
day. The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully
exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American.
When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..
. "I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of here."
Jesus goes into the Hilton hotel, walks up to the desk,
throws three nails on the counter and says to the girl,
"Hey do you think you can put me up for the night?"
The Bible professor dropped the stack of essays on the desk and looked
into the sea of anxious faces.
"Everyone passed," he said, "with the exception of O'Dolin."
The young student looked up with genuine surprise.
"Professor," he said, "I thought my paper on Jesus was revolutionary!"
"That it was," the professor agreed, "though I hardly consider it proof that
Jesus was Jewish simply because he went into his father's business, lived
at home until he was thirty, and had a mother who thought he was God. . . ."
Mr. Brent was being walked through Hell by one of the devils.
As they entered the cave that was to be his new home. Brent was
delighted to find it filled with champagne bottles and beautiful women.
"Say," he muttered, "this doesn't look like a bad way to spend eternity."
The devil snickered as he closed the iron gate behind Brent.
"Sorry to disappoint ya, fellah."
"What do you mean?" Brent licked his lips, "I can't thank you enough! This is fantastic!"
"What I mean," said the horned creature, "is that the bottles all have holes in the bottom
. . . and the women don't."
An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven.
Looking her over, St. Peter said, "And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?"
"I am," was her demure reply. Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious,
St. Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several minutes later the angel returned.
"She's a virgin," the angel stated, "though I'm obliged to inform you that she does have seven
small dents in her maidenhead."
Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and faced the girl.
"Well, miss, we're going to admit you. What is your name?"
She replied sweetly, "Snow White. "
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make
two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for
the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in
the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image
and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up
and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a
"Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the
back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did.
What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. The
bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love
Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must
REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his
window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like
a football game with him shouting, "GO, JESUS CHRIST, GO!"
Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and
waved and smiled to all of these loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could
hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving
in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked
my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each
other, giggled, and told me it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I
leaned out the window, and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple
of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got
out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to
pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and
stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only
driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing
there, leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up
the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said "Today I am going to create a land
called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty - it shall have tall majestic mountains
full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with bass and trout. There shall
be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance
of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call
these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," God replied. "Just wait and see the neighbours I'm going to give them."
Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.
The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher
stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and
he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Fred
used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time,
so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he
was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died.
He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died.
I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word
of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read,
"Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
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