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Points to Ponder
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like...night.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair......Ever.
4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or more months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
To whom it may concern,
I would like to officially tender my resignation as a man.
I would like to accept the rights and responsibilities of a woman.
I'd like to have "woman's intuition" but expect my date to be psychic.
I'd like to go out on a date and pay for nothing.
I'd like to be able to wear miniskirts to work and consider it ‘business professional attire'.
I want to cry and not be called a baby.
I want to get a wedding ring without buying one.
I want to pamper my children, but leave the punishments for
when ‘your father gets home'.
I'd know that I could ‘stay at home' instead of work and
everybody would think that's a noble sacrifice.
I'd know that my partner would try any kinky thing I could come up with.
I'd know that turning on my partner would be as easy as an enticing smile.
I'd think shopping was a hobby.
I'd think fellatio was gross, but cunnilingus romantic.
I'd think every tiny package holds expensive jewelry, and pout if it did not.
I could blame my figure flaws on childbirth,
and treat them like honorable war wounds.
I could get some guy to lift anything heavy or reach anything placed up high.
I could use ‘cramps' as an excuse to take a sick day, and no one would question me.
I would daydream of being a princess, riding unicorns, and
being rescued by the hero of the story.
I would read trashy novels and disdain men's use of pornography.
I would pack a dozen suitcases full of lead bricks,
secure in the knowledge that I won't be the one carrying them.
It would be my right to be fickle, my prerogative to change my mind.
It would be ok to be weak, acceptable to need help.
It would be the man's job to slay the horrible monster,
while I get to do the sensible thing and run.
No one would draft me into war.
And I could finally win the damned toilet seat argument.
So here's my accountability, my logic, and my reason. I am
officially resigning from being a man. Bring on the sad movies, the
shopping malls, and the athletes saying "Hi Mom!" to the cameras and
never "Hi Dad." ... I want to be a woman!
Granted, I stand a good chance of being a *lesbian* woman...
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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
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Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret
the things you didn't do more than the things you did, unless of course
you're doing time for the things you did.
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In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year
old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of
ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.
Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his
indoctrination to sex."
The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm
going to see to this personally."
So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she
completes his deflowering.
Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first
time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm
going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street.
Billy Bob is acting a little shy. so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy
Bob, don't you remember me?"
"Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then
cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."
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The police recently busted a man selling tablets he said gave eternal
youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fourth time
he was caught for doing this.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856 and 1928.
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Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
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Stress
That confusion created when one's mind overrides the
body's basic instinct to choke the living shit out of some
asshole who desperately needs it.
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A retiring farmer needed to rid his farm of animals in preparation for selling
his land, so he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the husband was the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses
where the wife was the boss, he gave a chicken.
When the farmer arrived at the end of the street, he met a couple who were
outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am," replied the man.
"Well, then, I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said. "Which
one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one..."
"No, no, no... the brown one," interrupted the man's wife.
The farmer shook his head and remarked to the man, "Here's your chicken."
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Your village called....they're missing their idiot
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Email: lynn@execulink.com
