MAX "You're all grown up, you can't read and you're keeping it a secret. Well good, cause I don't wanna hear about it!"

MAX "Alimony schmalimony; I ain't paying!"

MAX "Late night at the office, you wish your wife or your girlfriend were there but she's not. Well just remember, when you're boffing the cleaning lady instead watch out for the security camera, you'll be glad you did."

MAX "Hey sometimes condoms break. Deal with it missy!"

MAX "Prostate Cancer is one of the leading causes of death in this country. That's why I have my prostate examined at least three times a day. You should too. Is it time? Alright!"

MAX "It's wrong to sleep with someone just because they've offered to advance your career. It's degrading, it's demeaning, it can even ruin your life. Of course, if you are actually attracted to the guy, then that's a different story. Come on Jessica you know you want it."

MAX "There will be times in your life when it's hard to follow the exact letter of the law. For example, when the judge rules you have to stay 50 yards away. Well that's hard to measure so here's a good rule of thumb. If you're completely naked except for a dark ski mask yet she can still identify your genitals later in a line-up -- you're too close."

MAX: Repeat after me... This New Year's, I resolve, Not to cheat on my wife, With my secretary, Or any of her friends, No matter how young & perky, Their breasts may be. It's worth a shot!"

MAX: You know, I've found out that reindeer will lick just about anything you put in front of them.

MAX: Hey, while you're in a cozy house enjoying a nice Thanxgiving dinner with you family, keep one thing in mind. There are people out there in the freezing cold working all night long. Hookers. Go get 'em!"

MAX: There is nothing more unpredictable than an elevator. One minute you got total privacy, the next you are surrounded by strangers. So play it safe. Hit the emergency stop, THEN scratch your privates. You'll be glad you did.

MAX: Hey guys. Putting pressure on your girlfriend to have sex isn't cool. She'll let you know. In the meantime, sleep with her roommate.

MAX: Always keep scissors in your back pocket for those hard to remove bras.

MAX: Kids don't hate naturally, they have to be taught. So start early.

MAX: Hey, when you're out there having fun, remember, hookers are people too. Say thank you when you're done.

for more of Max's Public Service Announcemants check out Late Nights Official Site