Humorous Quotes

Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.
--George W. Bush, during a campaign speech in LaCrosse, Wisconsin.

I don't know, maybe I made it up. Anyway, it's an arbo-tree-ist, somebody who knows about trees. -- George W. Bush, on the arbolist coming to identify trees on his ranch.

While you are away, movie stars are taking your women. Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife.
-- Clueless Iraqi radio announcer, Baghdad Betty, trying to demoralize our Gulf War troops.

I want to be reincarnated as your tampon. -- Prince Charles, 1991
(Not recommended as a pick up line. Kids, don't try this at home.)

You always write it's bombing, bombing, bombing. It's not bombing, it's air support.
-- Air Force Colonel David Opfer, complaining to reporters about their coverage of the Vietnam War.

Capital punishment is our societies recognition of the sanctity of human life.
-- Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah.

Don't be humble. You're not that great.
-- Golda Meir

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by resorting to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.
-- H. L. Mencken

I think that the undecideds could go one way or the other.
-- George Bush, 1988

We may be finding that in some blacks, when the choke hold is applied, the veins or arteries do not open up like in normal people.
-- Daryl Gates, former L.A. police chief and complete idiot.

I'm not against the blacks, and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.
-- Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

Honest businessmen should be protected from the unscrupulous consumer.
-- Lester Maddox, then governer of Georgia, on why his state should not create a consumer protection agency.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

I did what any normal person would do at that age. You call home. You call home to mother and father and say, "I'd like to get into the National Guard."
-- Dan Quayle, vice-presidential hopeful, defending his National Guard service during the Vietnam War.

Casual drug users should be taken out and shot.
-- Daryl Gates, Asshole Deluxe.

I didn't inhale.
-- Presidential candidate Bill Clinton

Who ever heard of Casablanca? I don't want to star opposite some unknown Swedish broad.
-- George Raft, on the role of Rick in Casablanca.

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.
-- Aristotle

Ward, come upstairs and talk to The Beaver.
-- June (Mrs. Frisky) Cleaver

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.
-- Vice-President Dan Quayle

I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.
-- Richard Nixon, discussing Watergate in 1978

A woman, occasionally, is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
-- Karl Kraus

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
-- Brooke Shields, on why she wanted to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
-- Jackie Mason

Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?
-- Marilyn Monroe, after being served matzo ball soup three meals in a row.

My work is done, why wait?
-- Suicide note of Kodak founder George Eastman

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be happier than others.
-- Oscar Wilde

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
-- Helen Rowland

I love California. I grew up in Phoenix.
--Vice-President Dan Quayle

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
-- Lenny Bruce

Bite the wax tadpole.
-- Coca-Cola name as originally translated into Chinese (later changed to "May the mouth rejoice").

Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
-- Ad slogan "Pepsi comes alive" as initially translated into Chinese.

If we let people see that kind of thing, there would never again be any war.
-- Senior Pentagon official, explaining why the U.S. military censored footage showing Iraqi soldiers sliced in two by U.S. helicopter fire.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
-- Last words of Union commander General John Sedgwick, spoken as he was watching enemy troops at the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House.

Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.
-- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on Chlordane.

I have no weakness for shoes. I wear very simple shoes which are pump shoes. It is not one of my weaknesses.
-- Imelda Marcos, owner of 3,400 pairs of shoes.

Facts are stupid things.
-- Ronald Reagan

Where would Christianity be if Jesus got eight to fifteen years, with time off for good behavior?
-- New York Senator James H. Donovan commenting on capital punishment.

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
-- General William Westmoreland on why the media should be controlled in wartime.

I stand by all the misstatements.
-- Dan Quayle, then vice-presidential hopeful, defending his verbal gaffes.