Austin Powers Quotes

Austin Powers 1

• Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers Scott Evil: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him? Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.

• [Dr. Evil has left Austin and Vanessa to their doom. ] Scott Evil: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away! Dr. Evil: No, no, no. I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying. I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. ...What?

• Scott Evil: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet. Dr. Evil: An evil vet? Scott Evil: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo. Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo? Scott Evil: You always do that!

• Scott Evil: I don't think he likes me. I think he wants to kill me. Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that. Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is very astute. I really do want to kill him but so far unsuccessfully, he's quite wiley like his old man.

• Scott: Hey dad, can I bring my sega? (Austin grabs Scott.) Austin: Stop or I'll shoot him ! Dr.Evil : Kill the little bastard, see what I care . Scott: But, dad, I thought we made a breakthrough in group ! Dr.Evil: I had them liquidated you little shit ! They were insolent . Scott : I hate you !!! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab !!! Dr.Evil: Oh Scott, it hurts Daddy when you say that honestly .

• Dr.Evil: Don't you want to see what Daddy does for a living ? Scott: Blow me . Dr.Evil: What did you say ? Scott: Er, Show me .

• Scott: Why don't you just shoot them now? I mean, I'll go get a gun, we'll shoot them together. It'll be fun. Bang. Dead. Done. Dr. Evil: One more peep out of you and you are grounded Mister and I am not joking.

• Dr. Evil: How was your day? Scott: Well, my friend, Sweet Jay, took me to that video arcade in town, right. And they don't speak english there so Jay got into a fight and he's all, 'Hey stop hasselling me cause I don't speak french or whatever.' And then the guy says something in Paris talk and I'm like, 'Just back off!' and they're all, 'Get out!' and we're like, 'Make me!' It was cool.

• Dr. Evil: Hello, Scott. Scott: Hi. Dr. Evil: I'm your father, Dr. Evil. Scott: I haven't seen you my whole life and now you come back and just expect a relationship? Hmph. I hate you.

• Scott Evil: It's no hassle-- Dr. Evil: Shhh! Scott: But-- Dr. Evil: Shhh! Scott: I'm-- Dr. Evil: Shhh! Scott: All I'm say-- Dr. Evil: Shhh! Scott: They're gonna get a-- Dr. Evil: Shhh! Scott: I'm-- Dr. Evil: Shhh! Scott: I'm just-- Dr. Evil: Shhh! Scott: Would-- Dr. Evil: Shhh... Knock knock Scott: Who's there? Dr. Evil: Shhh! Scott: but-- Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named shhh! shhh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive shh!

  Austin Powers 2

• Dr.Evil: --Turning the moon into what I like to call a 'death star' . (Scott snickers ) Dr.Evil: What ? Scott: Ah, nothing, Darth . Dr.Evil: What did you call me ? Scott: Nothing. (Pretends to sneeze.) Rip-Off !!! Dr.Evil: (Unsure) Bless you . Anyway, since this laser was invented by the noted Cambridge pysicist Dr.Parsons, I shall call it 'The Alan Pasons Project'. (Scott snickers again.) Scott: The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass?

• Dr.Evil: Why make a Trillions, when we can make (snap zoom) billions ? (Dr.Evil looks around smugly.) Scott: A trillion is more than a bilion, numb-nuts .

• Dr.Evil: Show me the money ! You know, Kwan ?Show me the money ? No ? Nothing ? Scott: It's 1969. Jerry Maguire won't come out for another 30 years. They don't know what you're talking about, Ass.

• Jerry: Let's bring out Scotts father, Dr.Evil. Dr.Evil: Hello, Scott. I'm back. Scott: I can't believe you'd do this to me on National telelvision! Dr.Evil: They offered me a free makeover. Jerry: Dr.Evil, we've seen a lot of fathers today open up to their sons . Is there anything you'd like to share ? Dr.Evil: Share? Jerry: Yes, don't you have any secrets ? Dr.Evil: Ok, I have a vestigal tail. (Every one is a little grossed out.) DR. EVIL: It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that?

• Scott Evil: If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's sitting on the crapper or something? [Dr. Evil: No, no, no.]

• [Dr. Evil: As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And what is that, ladies and gentlemen?] Scott: because you never killed him when you got the chance, and you're a dope?