Hayley's Story

About 14 months ago I met a man with whom I fell in love with almost immediately. I was very shy and lacking in self confidence and it took 6 weeks before I lost my virginity to him.

Up until that time I had no idea what life in the "Real World" was like and little did I know that soon enough I was about to find out.

In November 1998 I dicovered I was pregnant. I was only 17 and very scared and I was too scared to even tell John especially as at the time he was at his mum's and it would have meant telling him over the phone. When he returned I told him and he seemed really pleased and genuiely happy. We talked about it and I decided to keep the baby.

It wasn't an easy pregnancy as I was really sick all the way through and even ended up in hospital on my 18th birthday which wasn't much fun I can tell you.

On the 8th August 1999 Caitlin Georgia made her grand entrance after only 4 hours and 23 minutes of labour.

Things were going really well for me up until a few weeks ago when I found out that I was pregnant again. I was suffering with really bad depression after having the baby and I knew that there was no way on earth that I could cope with another child.

So I talked long and hard with both John and my parents and between us we decided that the best thing to do would be for me to have an abortion.

We booked a consultation appointment and things were going really well until I was asked to go for a scan to see how advanced the pregnancy was. At first I couldn't see anything but then in the middle of the screen I saw a little heartbeat and it broke my heart so I just closed my eyes and tried to forget everything.

It was then that I started to have serious doubts about the whole thing. On the day of the operation I was really scared and I still had no idea what they were going to do to me. I went to a room and was put to sleep and the next thing I remember was waking up and being taken to a small room to rest for a few hours. Then I was told I could go home.

It's just over a week since the abortion and I still cannot help feeling bad for what I did. No-one did tell me what the operation entailed so I went on the internet to find out and was sickened by what I read and saw. I found out exactly what happened and even saw pictures and it tore me to shreds.

No matter what the circumstances were I know that I could never do that again. What made it worse was discovering that my baby could feel everything that was happening to it.

This whole experience has really fucked me up and I don't know if I will ever get over it, the only thing keeping me going is Caitlin. If it wasn't for her and John I would be a wreck.

This has changed my life forever and I know that I will never forgive myself for what I did and I know that I sure as hell will NEVER FORGET.

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