One morning the lion is feeling especially ferocious. He
saunters over to a monkey swinging in a tree and roars, "Who's
the king of this jungle?"
The monkey scampers down from the tree, bows to the lion and stammered, "Wh..wh...why you are Mr. Lion."
A few minutes later, the lion comes across a warthog. He stops in front of the animal and asks, "Who's the baddest dude in this jungle?"
The warthog hid his face in the dirt and whispered, "You're the baddest, King Lion."
This continues all morning long with animal after animal bowing and scraping to the lion. Finally the lion comes across an 80 year old bull elephant. He bellows at the elephant, "Who's the king of this jungle? Who owns this place?"
With that the elephant wrapped his trunk around the lion's belly. He raised the lion 12 feet in the air and slammed his head against the ground. After that he slammed the lion into a tree on the right and then into another tree on the left. Finally, the elephant swung his trunk and threw the lion 35 feet away where the lion landed in a thorn bush.
As the elephant lumbered down the trail the lion shook his paw and shouted, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get an attitude!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummy, do the ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take then new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go back and get it.
The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The 5 Types of Brotha's"
1. MR. INADEQUATE
This is the brotha that will never be able to satisfy you in bed (and he knows it) but will try to compensate you with buying you material things.
ADVANTAGES: You may get a Coach bag, Prada shoes, etc.,
DISADVANTAGES: You have to keep tellin him that size does not matter
2. MR. I'M BOUT TO GET PAID
This is the brotha that refuses to work because of a car accident that he was involved in 1984. He insists that they are settling as speak and his checks are going to start "next Friday." Each time he tells you how much he is going to receive, the dollar amount varies. It started at $30,000 but now it is up to $90,000.
ADVANTAGES: You are in control of what you do and when you do it.
DISADVANTAGES: You have to pay for everything up front, "He'll get it back to you when he gets his settlement."
3. MR. THUG IN A SUIT
This is the brotha that you see looks nice, but opens his mouth and WOW! Can not form a grammatically correct sentence if his Momma's life depended on it. Refers to everyone in his life as "Nigga," including his kids. Always hangin with his "Boys" that put him on a pedestal 'cause he has a job that does not require manual labor.
ADVANTAGES: There are none.
DISADVANTAGES: He's very loud at movies.
4. MR. I GOT A DEGREE
OK....this brotha has a degree, maybe two. That's wonderful, but it is the focus of every conversation that you have. He is usually not very good looking, but was the Mack in college cause he pledged Kappa or Alpha. Likes to use big words although he doesn't know what they mean. Very community minded-he's on every Board. This is because he wants to feel important. He likes to play mind games because he thinks he is smart, even though it took him six years and a half to get a four year degree. If you don't have a degree, then keep steppin, cause this brotha wants no parts of that. Marriage to an undegreed, non-Greek affiliated female is out of the question. He was last seen with the town whore though.
ADVANTAGES: Likes to eat at expensive restaurants.
DISADVANTAGES: May ask you to go Dutch. (He really DOES NOT make a lot of money)
5. MR. MY BABYDADDY (AKA: I GOT SIX DIFFERENT KIDS BY SIX DIFFERENT
WOMEN AND I DON'T TAKE CARE OF NONE OF EM!)
This guy usually resides in a town different from the one he is from and always claims that he "takes care of his." He is always at the club mackin as though he wants to get others pregnant.
ADVANTAGES: If you really have kids of your own, he will take good care of your kids or anybody's...just not his own.
DISADVANTAGES: He only works jobs that can pay him under the table.....wouldn't want to have to pay child support.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was on a Southwest flight once that was delayed at the gate after everyone boarded. The flight attendant said over the intercom, "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Rules For Employment
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management