Chop & Burn
By Matropolis
Setting: It is before school standing in an empty hallway, cats slowly entering. Pouncival is holding a can of Pepsi, unopened, but has a threatening look towards Jemima standing in front of him, like he’s going to spray her with it. Electra and Etcetera are just coming on stage and are laughing and pointing at the scene.
Pouncival: I’ll do it!! I will!!
Jemima: Don’t you dare…
Electra: +comes running up to them+ Do it! Do it!
Jemima: Electra!!! Don’t encourage him! I’ll get wet!
Pouncival: Bingo! Ready?
Jemima: No!
+shakes the can hard then flicks the tab, spraying both Electra and Jemima+
Electra: Pouncival! You weren’t s’posed to get me!
Jemima: Pouncival, I DO NOT believe you did that!
Pouncival: Believe it, baby!
Jemima: Ugh!!! +stalks off+
Etcetera: +steps up next to Pouncival and Electra+ Well…
+Electra glares at her+
Etcetera: Well one of us had to stay dry!
Matty: +appears from behind+ Yeah, me! +whips out a can of ginger ale and spray Etcetera+
Etcetera: AHHHHHHHHHH!
+Matty and Pouncival laugh hysterically+
+bell rings+
Matty: (to Pouncival) Let’s go shall we?
Pouncival: +grins+ We shall.
+the two hook arms and prance down the hall towards a classroom+
Setting: Matty is seated next to her new-found friend Saphinora, then behind them is Pouncival and Tumblebrutus. To their right in Etcetera and Electra, and to their left is Jonathan and James.
Saphinora: +pointing to a picture in the catalogue she’s holding+ I’m telling you that you can get drunk on Surge. It’s like… It’s like…
+Matty is flinging spitballs+
Saph: Matty, are you listening?
Matty: Mmhmm… +hits James with a spitball while being hit with a spitball shot by Pouncival+
Saph: Anywho… +goes babbling on, while suddenly Munkustrap appears in front of the class, trying to get their attention+
Munkustrap: +is hit in the forehead with a spitball+ Who’s the wiseguy?
+Jonathan, James,Pouncival and Matty hide their straws, Munkustrap gives up and looks to the class+
Munkustrap: So… who is ready for the finals?
+the class glares at him+
Munkustrap: Good…
+Jonathan has a plastic fork and is flicking James continuously on the side of the face with it+
Munkustrap: Jon…
Jonathan: What? +puts his fork away+ You didn’t see anything did you?
James: +rolls his eyes+ No…
Munkustrap: Let’s review. James, what’s the metric unit for mass?
James: You know, that’s a good question. Why don’t you ask someone who knows the answer?
+snickers+
Munkustrap: Matty?
Matty: Huh? +looks up from where she is flicking Pouncival’s feet with a plastic spoon+
Munkustrap: +sighs+ Saphinora?
Saph: Grams, right?
Munkustrap: thank you. I’m glad someone’s paying attention.
Matty: Me too.
Munkustrap: Matty…
+Matty goes back to her previous flicking+
+Munkus goes on and on, while the flicking and spitballs goes on and on. Suddenly, Matty pops her head up to Saphinora+
Matty: Do you have a pencil?
Saph: +looks at her suspiciously+ What do you need a pencil for?
Matty: +cocks an eyebrow+ What do YOU think?
Saph: +hands her a pencil+ Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
Matty: +stops suddenly+ Would you jab a sharpened pencil in Pouncival’s foot?
Saph: With good motive, yes.
Matty: Kay.
+silence except for Munkustrap talking, suddenly Pouncival yowls+
Munkustrap: WHAT?!
Pouncival: Saphinora stabbed me!
Saph: +jumps up+ I did not!
Pouncival: +flicks her with a spitball+ Did!
Saph: +pokes him in the cheek with her pencil+ Now I stabbed you.
Munkustrap: You two! Stop! +they sit back down, Saphinora quite aware that Pouncival is glaring at her+
Saph: (whispers to Matty) You gotta stop doin’ that.
Matty: +grins+ What?
Saph: You know what. You’re going to get me in trouble.
Matty: Sorry. You looked bored.
Saph: I was bored. But that doesn’t mean you should go and get me in trouble…
Matty: Why? It livens things up…
+Munkustrap sits down and they all start to do work, or are at least pertending to+
Saph: Hey Pouncie, I’m sorry—
Pouncival: Shhh. +is taking a glue stick and rubbing against one of Tumble’s ears+
Saph: What are you doing?!
Pouncival: What does it look like?!
Tumble: He’s gluein’ my ears t’gether!
Saph: Whoa…
Tumble: Don’t look so surprised. James is gluein’ your tail to the floor.
Saph: WHAT?!?!!?! +looks down and sees that James is glueing her tail to the floor+ JAMES!!!!!! +snatches her tail away and starts picking the dried glue off+
Electra: +has been sitting and staring into space, suddenly snaps out of it+ Hey, I got and idea!!!
Etcetera: Oh God… she’s got that crazed look in her eye…
Electra: +hops out of her seat and runs up to the storage closet behind the teacher’s desk+
Munkustrap: Electra, what are you doing? +no reply+ Electra! +no reply+
Electra: +comes back to her seat with a big grin and something behind her back+
Matty: Electra, say something…
Saph: She’s scaring me…
+Pouncival continues carefully glueing Tumble’s ears together+
+Suddenly Electra whips out a hot glue gun from behind her back+
Electra: MWAHAHAHAHA!
+Saphinora, Pouncival, Tumblebrutus and Etcetera scream and jump out of their seats ready to take cover, Matty’s eyes bulge out of her head as she ducks under the desk, and several cats jump over chairs to see what’s going on+
+Electra grins as she goes after Saphinora who is right across from her with the hot glue gun, when suddenly Rumpelteazer jumps in front of Saph with a can of silly string and sprays Electra with it+
Electra: NOOOO! +shoots some hot glue at Teazer’s shoulder+
Teazer: AHHHHHHH! +shrieks shrilly+ Water! Water!!!!
+Saphinora is running around the room in circles, when she notices a pair of scissors on the edge of Mungojerrie and Mark’s desk, she snatches them up and turns around, coming face to face with Electra+
Saph: NOBODY MOVE!!!
+everyone stops except for Matty who is crawling out from under her desk, Saph points the scissors at her, Matty puts her paws in the air+
Matty: Don’t shoot, it’s just me!
Saph: Oops, sorry. +points back at Electra+ Put the glue gun down.
Electra: Never!
Munkustrap: +runs to the back of the class to stop them+ Stop this nonsense! Everyone back in your seats! +nobody moves+ Saphinora, put the scissors down!
Saph: +puts them down sheepishly+
Matty: I saw it all, Munk! It was horrible! People died!
Munkustrap: Matty…
Matty: +is talking fast and getting out of breath+ Lectra burned Saphs, so Saph cut her arm off, and Lectra burned her eye out, and… and…
Munkustrap: Matty!
Matty: Saphinora stabbed her in the heart, but she didn’t die and—
Munkustrap: Matty, go to the office.
Matty: Kay. +turns and walks quickly out of the room+
Saphinora: I swear… I didn’t do anything. +gives Munkustrap her big kitty eyes+
Munkustrap: +sighs and looks like he doesn’t know what to do+ Well…
Electra: But…
Pouncival: Electra has a GLUE gun!
Teazer: +is rubbing a spot on her shoulder+ That girl is dangerous!
Jerrie: Bu’ Saphinora ‘as SCISSORS!
Saph: Not really…
Mark: Well you did!
Jerrie: ‘at chil’ is not to be trusted wi’ sharp objects!
Teazer: Electra has a HOT glue gun! Does anyone care she tried to KILL me?!?!
Jerrie: No’ p’rticularly… +Teazer slaps him+ Oy mean yes…
Matty: +bursts back in the room+ I saw it all! I swear! There was blood and gore, it was aweful!
Munkustrap: Matty… go to the office.
Matty: Kay. +putters out quietly+
Electra: Saph tried to kill me! Burn! Blood—everywhere!
Saph: There was not! She’s lying!
Teazer: It’s true!
Jer: It is not! Saphs had scissors! You saw it!
Pouncival: +nods+ But then, what do I know? I was glueing Tumble’s ears together…
Matty: +bursts in+ When there was a shot, and blood everywhere! Electra whipped out her glue gun and burned a hole right through Teaz, and Saph took her scissors and chopped Electra’s tail off, and—
ALL: MATTY!!!!!!
Matty: Kay. +putters out+
Munkustrap: I don’t care who did what—this can not happen. And Pouncival, you cannot glue students’ ears together.
V
Pouncival: I didn’t. I glued Tumble’s ears together.
V
Munkustrap: Pouncival…
Teazer: +leans back to Saph+ Just jam those scissors in Munkustrap’s back…
Saph: +giggles a little+ Ow… +Teazer grins+
Electra: Teaz… I’m sorry. +puts her paw out+
Teazer: Oh, alright… +they shake, and suddenly Electra falls backwards, screaming, with a pin in her paw+
Munkustrap: +turns around+ SAPHINORA!!!!
Saph: I didn’t do it!
Munkustrap: Saphinora, really…
Matty: +runs in again+ It was me!!!
Saph: +runs in front of Matty+ Here, we’ll trade places. +leaves, going to the office+
Matty: +stands in awe, the whole class quiet+ Saph just went to the office.
Jerrie: She did.
Jonathan: Hell, I’ll go with her. Saph! +runs after her+
Matty: +just looks at Electra+ Have you ever seen such a thing?
NOTE: In this skit is the “new-found friend” Saphinora. She actually is my buddy, and I didn’t think I had this kind of ridicule in her till she let me put her in this fic. I just have two words that say it all: THANKS SAPH!!!!!!!
