The Food Battle
Setting: Travie, Matty, Pouncival, James, Jonathan and Mark are sitting together at a table in the lunchroom. One by one they are returning to one smal circular table, all with hungry looks on their faces except for Travie, who looks particularly disgusted. Last to sit down is Matty, who is looking hungry and mad at the same time. Travie is reading a book while eating her pizza, one eye on the book and the other on a hungry-looking Jonathan.
Matty: This is sad. What is this?
Mark: It’s suppose to be pizza.
Matty: Looks like rubber. Coincidence? I think not!
James: Just eat it, man…
Jonathan: {is almost done with his greasy slice already and is gulping down his milk, points to Pouncival’s applesauce} You gonna eat that?
Pouncival: Yes!
Jonathan: You sure?
Pouncival: Yes!
Jonathan: Come on, man, I want it… {starts to pick it up as Pouncival pounds his paw down on his}
Pouncival: I said I’m going to eat it!
Jonathan: {punches Pouncival in the chest and takes his applesauce} Thanks for cooperating.
Pouncival: {grumbles and continues eating his pizza}
Travie: {looks up from her book and says to JONATHAN} So you’re hungry?
Jonathan: {glares at her a moment till she goes back to her book, and he reaches for her apple. Before he can bling an eye she reaches out without looking away from he rbook and slaps his hand and grabs the apple} Bitch.
Travie: {still not looking up} Whatever.
Matty: {watches the whole apple scene but doesn’t think much of it, she just takes some cheese off Mark’s pizza, who is sitting next to her}
Mark: Hey!
Matty: {chewing} You weren’t eating it, so…
Mark: {tacks her on the back till the spits the cheese out}
James: {groans} Do you HAVE to do that?
Mark: She started it!
James: Don’t care…
Matty: {eyes Mark and James and starts chomping on her apple. She nearly finishes, meanwhile the whole table is pretty quiet}
Pouncival: {flings a spitball at Jonathan}
Jonathan: {takes him up my the throat and grins, then puts him down} Sorry, just checkin’ your pulse… {checks out his own apple, sticks his thumb in the side and decides he doesn’t want it, and sets it on Matty’s tray}
Matty: {mumbles} Thanks… {is still staring face to face with her tray, certain it’s going to bite her or something}
James: How come SHE gets it? Why not me?!
Jonathan: Because you’re a dipshit and Matty is a loyal felinical whore.
Matty: {looks angry suddenly} Hey! {can’t help a grin}
Jonathan: {grins broadly}
Matty: {reaches for the apple when James suddenly snatches it up, takes a huge bite out of what side, and slams it back on Matty’s tray. Travie and Pouncival are in hysterics, Mark looks shocked but is laughing, and Matty just stares at the apple feircly} James…
{James turns his head slightly as Matty flings her already eaten apple core at his head. It ricochettes off his forehead and whacks Jonathan in the nose, then bounces on the floor}
Jonathan: {hesitates in a little surprise, reaches down and picks up, takes a big bite out of it and gives it back to Matty} Not bad…
{Now everyone is laughing uncontrollably except for Jonathan, who is just munching enjoyably, then goes to dump his tray, happily tripping Victoria on his way, she falls head first into the garbage} Sorry… {grins, he comes back and Matty is gone} Where’d Stupid go?
Matty: {suddenly pops back grinning like a fool, Onyx is heard screaming offstage}
James: Okay, what’d you do to Onyx? {everybody looks at her}
Pouncival: She stapled his nuts to a stack of papers.
{everyone looks shocked and hysterical, they all run away from the table except for Travie, ad-libbing “I gotta see this!” and “Whoa! Onyx!”}
Travie: {looks at them all rushing to see Onyx, she shakes her head tsking} Waaay too much Eminem. {goes back to reading her book in silence}
note: This skit is based on something that really happened to me and my buds at lunch, except of course what happened to Onyx. In this skit, I’d like to make something clear. Matty of course is me, Travie is—well, Travie. But to get a little thicker, Jonathan is Mark—my friend Mark, not the cat Mark, James is Josh, Pouncival is sort of like Zack or Steve, and Mark is just an added character. As for Onyx, he was in the place of Dan Herringshaw, who I would like to staple his nuts to a stack of papers (OWW!).
