Thief of the Underthings
Setting: Alonzo is digging through his dresser drawers, clothes and ties scattered everywhere, looking frusterated as Matty walks into his bedroom.
Matty: Hey Lonz, what’s up?
Alonzo: I’m looking for my lucky boxers…
Matty: Missing, I take it? Prolly left ‘em at Cassie’s. Or Bomby’s. Damn, hope Boxer doesn’t find ‘em. ‘Magine, his own brother…
Alonzo: No… I know I put them right in this drawer. And now they’re gone. +looks at Matty almost suspiciously+
Matty: Lonz, why are you looking at me like that?
Alonzo: Matty… you wer the only one home last night.
Matty: Yup, kitten-sitting li’l Si. Man, I just love that kit.
Alonzo: And… that’s all?
Matty: Yeah, he’s not allowed in the pool halls.
Alonzo: Sounds kinda fishy… +Matty looks at him curiously+ My boxers suddenly missing.
Matty: I hope you’re not calling me what I think you are.
Alonzo: Really Matty, you didn’t honestly think….
Matty: Lonz, think about what you’re thinking.
Alonzo: Matty, you can’t hide stuff like this, you know—
Mark +walks into the shack, takes one look at the mess, and then soundlessly looks at the brother and sister+ What happened?
Matty: +screams+ He’s calling me an underwear thief!
Mark: You’re stealing underwear now?!
Matty: No, you bozo!
Alonzo: You did so! Who else would take my lucky boxers?
Matty: Not me, that’s for sure! They’re just one of those things you don’t touch because you know where they’re been.
Alonzo: But you did! This is just the sort of thing a Matty would do!
Matty: Even if I did, where would I put them? Big pink boxers with teddy bears all over them are pretty hard not to spot.
Alonzo: Obviously they are or I’d be able to find them!
Matty: Or maybe you’re just dumb!
Alonzo: Why you little who—
Mark: GUYS! Really… I doubt Matty stole your underwear… +Lonzo growls lightly+ That doesn’t sound like something anyone would steal…
Alonzo: I’m telling you she did—She stole them and then ATE them, so I wouldn’t find out!
Matty: ATE them?! Ar eyou outta you goddamn mind?! I wouldn’t eat your under-carrying-case if I was starving to death on a deserted island ten trillion miles from London!
Mark: That’s just sick.
Alonzo: Well she did, and I’ll prove it! +takes Matty around the neck+ Cough it up!
Matty: I didn’t even swallow it to begin with!
Alonzo: So, it got caught in your throat then!
Mark: This is underwear we’re talking about, here!
+Bomby suddenly comes tearing into the shack, screaming+
Bomby: You will not believe what was stolen from me!
Mark: After what I’ve just heard, I bet I would.
Alonzo: Yes! And Matty ate it!
Bomby: +looks at Matty with bulging eyes+ You WHAT?!
Matty: I DID NOT!!!!
+Si comes into the shack, holding out his paw in a “stop” signal+
Si: Pweeze stop. Maty’s in’cent. It wus me.
+Everyone stops in place, just looking down at Si, eyes wide+
ALL: SI?
Si: But they wer verwy good…
Matty: +smiles+ Now then, you see? And extra fiber even. It all works out in the end. Come on, Si, let’s take you home, we’ll see if your daddy has any ties you can snack on. +both Exit+
Alonzo: Did you see that?!
Mark: +puts a blindfold over his eyes+ Nope.
Note: This skit was based on something that really happened, though not to me. It happened to my Aunt Kathy when she was about my age, with a bit of variation. A friend of her stole her knee socks for some reason or another, though she didn’t eat them.
