When I look back on the time I was pregnant with Tracee I can't say that it was the happiest time of my life. Four things stand out the most for me during that time. There was a sense of a great loneliness. I basically isolated myself from my friends...they hadn't been there, though they tried to be supportive...they couldn't possibly begin to understand. They had this wonderful fairytale going on...the father should quit school and we should live happily ever after. Like I said...a fairytale. I was very lucky though. Firstly in finding a wonderful sanctuary in the form of a school for unwed mothers called Terra. I truly don't know if I would have made it through that time without the love and support of the staff there. I spent my days there feeling safely wrapped within the cocoon of those walls. It was there that I also learned to appreciate the love and support I had from my Mom and family. Although I knew that it was felt by them that giving the baby up for adoption would be best, I never felt pressured to make that decision. I was never given the ultimatum of either you do or you are on your own. Many girls I went to school with were not given the support of their families. Many had already been removed from their homes, or had the threat if they didn't do as their family wanted hanging over their heads. I was truly blessed. And finally, once I had made the decision to give Tracee up for adoption...my mission in life became wanting to try to answer possible future questions from her. I wanted her to know that she was loved, and it was for that reason I was offering her a better life than what I was able to provide. My days were spent making a quilt, a bib, and a cloth doll to be given to her adoptive parents when they picked her up. I also wrote two letters...one for her parents and one for her.  I had no idea of whether they would keep them or not...I could only hope. When she was about 5 years old I also registered with the Post Adoption Agency. I wanted all basis covered.

Over the years I've watched many a movie, show and documentary on adoption. I always end up crying. One of my biggest fears was that Tracee would watch the ones where the adopted child didn't want to meet their bio-parents. My heart ached for all parties involved. You have the person who has decided to give their child up for whatever reason. There are those that  have the fear that their child will never understand and those who hope that they never surface again. I honestly believe that adoptive parents...or a lot of them anyway...never feel a truly secure feeling in that this child is totally theirs. There is that knowledge and perhaps fear of the birth parent resurfacing. And there is the child itself. The questions that must run thru their minds. The wondering of why? The fear in wondering if they would be turned away.  

Well, many years and even more tears later...I have been granted my fondest dream. Tracee and I have been reunited. I look at her...I hear about her life...and all my tears and fears become worthwhile. My heart goes out to her wonderful parents Peter and Shirley. I know this has been so difficult for the two of them. I hear the pride and love they have for her every time I speak to them. I truly appreciate the welcoming they have offered me, my mother and Tracee's brothers. I have enjoyed having the opportunity to get to know them and consider them two of my most incredible Angels. I love you both very much. (And just to let you know...I'm really not sure of whether the things I made were kept...but I do know that the letter I wrote to her was kept and given to her. Tracee read it to me our first time on the phone - Thank you Peter & Shirley)

Tracee, I think is a typical young lady. Well in some ways. :) She has an incredibly outgoing personality. Definitely a Miss. Social Butterfly. A lover of Stephen King novels and the mysterious. She certainly doesn't share her bio-mother's love for Barbie and Disney dolls. The first time she saw my room her reaction was a jaw dropping 'oh my God'. She would much rather watch wrestling with her brothers. She envelops dramatics to the hilt and changes her mind with a frequency that boggles the mind. I have some difficulty keeping up with the boys names and career choices. <grin> She and her brothers love nothing more then trading insults with each other...and her choice of insults can be quite colorful. Tracee possesses a quick wit that she certainly didn't inherit from her bio-mother. I listen to her sometimes and it's like hearing a female version of her bio-father...they get along quite well. Tracee has (unlike her brothers) finished High School. Although I'm not exactly sure what her career choice will be (currently running towards Corporate Lawyer), I know that she will succeed at whatever she does.