This interview with Paul Wadge was done via email in March 2000. After losing a member to a bad piece of ham the band mourns intensely. Now, Paul has always been a very hard person to approach, reputed as being a hardass with a short fuse. However with the recent whirlwind of emotions sweeping through his callous exterior he managed to open the floodgates and reveal a few of the secrets that lay behind his cold tormented art. Read on if you dare.

IF: Alright, let's dive in. What kind of drum machine do you have and how long have you two been together?

Paul:  I'm not diving in without checking the depth of the water first. We had a guy come to our high school to give a talk at an assembly who did just that. He ended up in a wheelchair. Don't be so fucking careless, Chris! My baby's name is Alesis and we've been together ever since I rescued her from an abusive relationship some years ago. She was in horrible shape when I first met her on that fateful day. It was obvious she'd been done wrong and had been forced to commit terrible beats against her will with scumbags like Salsa and Mambo. I get all choked-up just typing this.

IF: Do you play real drums at all? If so, has being a drummer helped with programming beats?

Paul: I used to bang the drums and that experience has certainly helped. I try to program patterns and songs as I would attempt to play them or want them to sound on a drum kit or on the hood of Kitt from Knight Rider.

IF: I think I've read that you're really into jungle, and that you make some jungle stuff for fun. What other styles do you mess around with? Do you feel that they perhaps, unintentionally come through when writing stuff for Wadge?

Paul: Hardcore jungle absolutely shares the intensity of grindcore and Miami Vice versa. Both exist to rampage through mind and body. I have recorded some tracks combining the two influences, but none have been released thus far. As for other genres, I have a terrible habit of trying to play every style I like. This means that I have about twenty projects on the go and virtually none of them ever get completed. I bounce from one to the other and end up getting nowhere fast. Bits and pieces of some of these styles inevitably end up within WADGE songs.

IF: Has there ever been any talk of repressing the mighty split with Enemy Soil? Are you guys "unhappy" with it and just want to put it behind you? I think it shreds, and is a shame that it's near impossible to find.

Paul: Richard (E.S.) and I have discussed it. A few labels have offered to re-press, but neither of us has an interest in seeing it come out again as a split. I don't hate our songs, but feel the recording is horrible. We also briefly discussed re-recording the entire thing, but that would be pretty silly. ENEMY SOIL are apparently working on compiling a discography, so their songs may be available on that. Their side of the split is classic.

IF: If the offer arose would you do a record with Relapse?

Paul: I am more than happy having friends and smaller labels release our stuff, so no. I like some of their bands quite a bit but that's about as far as my interest goes. Plus, when I march in a parade, nothin' is gonna bring me down. I was born to walk down the middle of closed-off streets dressed like Ralph Furley from Three's Company.

IF: Any considerations towards incorporating keyboards, piano, electronic tambourines, strings, or female operatic vocals into your music?

Paul: Yawn. Far too passe and over-done. We are currently working on bringing in a washboard player, a gal who plays dental floss through distortion and a master skin flutist to take us further than ever before.

IF: Has Wadge ever played any live shows? Let's hear the gory details.

Paul: We played twice in '95, but that's it. As for gory details, Mike lost a testicle during the first show in an incident involving an angry crowd member, a bag of pretzels and a machete. Brad gave birth to a two headed girl at the second show and it was a particularly messy delivery. I jumped into the air and did the splits (my attempt at a David Lee Roth) and when I landed, I slipped in a pile of post-natal sludge and fell off the stage, hitting my shin and scraping my elbow. Ouchie pouchie.

IF: What cool movies have you seen lately?

Paul: Cool Hand Luke and Cool Runnings.

IF: What do you think of David Cronenberg? What's your favorite film of his?

Paul: I think that David Cronenberg is a great moviemaker but a damn jerk for calling the cops when he caught me hiding in the bushes outside of his house wearing nothing but a smile. The Dead Zone and Dead Ringers are da shiznit. Some scenes from T.D.Z were filmed close to where I live. I have walked the same ground as Christopher Walken. This makes me attractive to tree frogs.

IF: What do you like to throw on the turn table when you're copulating with legions of black metal lesbians?

Paul: Oddly enough, I've found nothing gets black metal lesbians hotter than my collection of Jimmy Swaggert vinyl.

IF: What was spinning way back when your cherry was "busted"?

Paul: Way back? Why it was just yesterday and it was "Girl of My Dreams" by THE MOFFATTS. "You are the girl of my dreams. “In my heart I believe You are the girl of my dreams, Baby, of my dreams".

IF: Do you ever watch "Loud" on MuchMusic? Isn't it fucking awful? Who do you hate more 1) Coal Chamber 2) Slipknot, 3) Insane Clown Posse, or 4) Sevendust?

Paul: I suffer through Loud the odd time for the one or two decent videos they somehow fit in with the crap you mentioned. It's really too difficult for me to comment on which of them I hate most. I long for the days when BLACK SABBATH, IRON MAIDEN and JUDAS PRIEST were at the forefront of "popular" metal. These new bands are feeble and induce narcolepsy/fits of laughter when compared to the masters.

IF: Is the split 8" flexi with Amorphis still coming out on Metal Blade? Can we order ahead to get the limited back patch??

Paul: Everything was on track but then AMORPHIS heard our songs and have since backed-out. They disapproved of our cover of "Black Winter Day" and they thought we were making fun of them with the song "I Cantspely". We spent hours perfecting traditional Canadian folk songs performed as if we were Finnish and for what? The back patch will still be available with artwork by a third grader named Luigi, so all is not lost.

IF: What records have you bought lately? What fresh jams are touching your lovespots?

Paul: I only use fresh blueberry jam on my lovespots. Anything less is uncivilized. I recently purchased the Guinness World Record for most cucumbers eaten while upside-down in Holland on a Thursday from a Dutch guy who needed money for a new pair of wooden shoes made entirely of hemp.

IF: What's the shittiest job you've ever worked?

Paul: Assistant to the Outhouse Engineer.

IF: What does everyone in Wadge do to pay the bills?

Paul: One puts money into envelopes, seals them tight with man-spit, affixes appropriate postage and drop them into mailboxes. Another performs oral sex on his sugar daddy. One uses direct-deposit and the other thinks "bills" refers to multiple guys named William.

IF: Spears or Aguilara?

Paul: I really don't like to make New Year's resolutions cause they are usually too difficult to keep, but the goofiest one I ever made was to limit my breathing to weekends and after 11pm on weeknights. That lasted for about 5 days.

IF: Do you guys all live in the same city? Do you hold a Brutal Truth ethic, and just smoke buckets all day and make ultra billy sick grind?

Paul: Hollywood Mike dwells in lovely Scarborough, Ontario, Gobbles resides in scenic Guelph, Brad lives in Honolulu, Hawaii and I am in glorious Newcasshole. The 4 of us are all together in the same room twice a year at best. Gobs is more than likely moving to Japan in mid-summer 2000, so that will make things even more ridiculous. None of us can afford to smoke buckets, so we use thimbles and have to settle for making Semi-Contagious Larry Grind.

IF: You've lived in Newcastle for quite a while. I take it you're somewhat content with the area and the Toronto scene?

Paul: I've lived in Newcastle since I was a youngin' and enjoy the isolation and choice corn roasts. I make the trek into Toronto now and again and go to the odd show, but Newcastle is where it's at. Our bustling grindcore scene of one is something else and not to be messed with.

IF: Don't Cradle of Filth have the best album covers?

Paul: You've obviously never seen a RAZOR LP.

IF: Let us know of any new comps or records that are in the oven.

Paul: Split 7"s with DAHMER, NEEDFUL THINGS and SHIT ON COMMAND, a collaboration 7" with RUIDO and numerous comps are currently baking at 350 degrees. Please check our site for low-fat recipes using these ingredients.

IF: Okay! I think that's it. Thanks for answering all of my shallow queries. Share some last words with your fellow grindmongers.

Paul: You said "queries."

You can cotact Wadge through the following address: appaulled@speedline.ca

The Wadge website, although it may be gone any day now: http://www.uoguelph.ca/~jbroderi/index2.html