Chapter Nineteen
"It isn't supposed to be cold in Florida," Brooklyn complained, pulling her coat even tighter around herself. Her breath came out in a small white cloud. "This is ridiculous. Whatever happened to sunshine, and all that crap? I can see my own breath! My fingers feel like they're frost bitten. This is NOT funny, Mia," she added, whirling around to point to her friend when she heard her laugh.
She grinned and pushed back her hair. "Don't worry, Brooke, here comes your electric blankets now," she said with another laugh, pointing at the oncoming group. "Forget all that hug a tree crap. Hug a pop star."
An evil smile spread on her face when she heard that, but she lost it when the guys came running up to her. "What, you thought that I was going to leave without saying goodbye to you guys? You're crazy. I would never do something like that," she said innocently, putting her hand to her chest and widening her eyes. "To think that I would do that is incredibly mean."
Justin checked his watch before leaning forward to hug her. "Yeah, right. You're leaving in three minutes, and I know you well enough to know that you would have been more than happy to leave without saying goodbye," he teased her, before he bent down to kiss her cheek. "Damn, girl, grow a few inches, would you? I can't bend that far."
She hit him and reached for the next person, laughing when Joey picked her up. "See, this is how you do it, Justin," he told him with a laugh, while Brooklyn held on with all she had. The last thing she wanted to do was fall down and fracture her other wrist. It was hard enough to hold on with one arm, but he started bouncing, making it worse. "When you get back here, you and I are going to have lunch, all right?"
"Of course. I would be honored to eat with someone of your status. Who knows? Maybe my picture will show up in the paper," she said with a laugh, being placed back on the ground. "Okay, neighbor, lay it on me," she said with a giggle, opening up her arms to Lance.
Unlike the first two, he hugged her gently, almost like he was afraid that she would break. "Bring me back someone cute, all right?"
"I'm not enough?" she asked, pushing him with her hip. He shook his head and ducked her punch when Chris came up and embraced her next. She laughed as he pretended to cry into her shoulder.
Raising his head, he wiped away a non-existent tear. "What am I going to do without you for these few days? There'll be no one to defend me, no one to tease...don't leave me!" he wailed. He continued to pretend to cry.
"Oh, Lord, he's worse than fly paper. Could someone please get him off of me? I can't exactly push him away, and I would be indebted to anyone who could this for me," she said with a winning smile, laughing when the three of them came rushing towards her and started to pull Chris away from her.
There was only one person left, and they turned to look at each other almost nervously. Neither was sure what to do, and after the initial eye contact, they looked away from each other, JC rocking nervously on his heels. The four remaining men started to walk away, Chris whistling nonchalantely. If she hadn't been so nervous, she would have been laughing. It was like something out of a bad romance comedy movie. "So, uh....you're going to be gone for a few days, huh?" JC asked quietly, looking at her through his sunglasses.
She nodded, pressing her lips together. "Yup. I'm going to be gone for a little while." Laughing nervously, she ran her hand through her hair. "I mean, it's not like I'm never coming back, right?" she asked with a smile, looking back down at her feet.
"Really. You're going to be back before I know it, and then...you do that last, televised concert out here, and...yeah." Was it even possible to rate their nervousness? They were afraid to make the wrong move, afraid to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. "Are you, uh, going to have any time to call or anything like that?" he finally asked, looking back up at her.
Meeting his sunglass covered eyes with her own sunglass covered eyes, she forced a smile on her face. "I hope so, but this is going to be a whirlwind tour. I'm not going to have that much time to stop and take a breath, let alone pick up a phone, but I'll...see if I can find some time for that."
Again, silence. He couldn't help examining every single inch of her with his eyes whenever they fell silent. He thought that he was the only one that had been affected by THE words, as he was calling them now, but she looked just as affected. He knew that there were dark circles under her slightly bloodshot eyes. They had been present for the past few days. Her honey brown hair was in disarray, and the wind was picking it up, tangling it even more. Even her clothes looked like they had taken a beating. JC never remembered seeing anything that she wore have the slightest wrinkle in it, but her worn jeans with the holes in the knees were nothing but a mass of wrinkles, matching the few wrinkles in the shirt she was wearing under her jacket.
"Well...um...I guess I better get going. If I don't hurry up, they'll leave without me, probably." Her eyes came back up to meet his, and she hooked her thumbs on her pockets. "So...take care of yourself while I'm not there. I know how hard that can be, but I'm sure that you'll survive."
His hand came up and he lowered his sunglasses so that she could see his eyes. Luckily, her sunglasses were dark enough that he couldn't see through them, and he couldn't tell that she had avoided looking at his eyes. "I'm not so sure," he said in all seriousness. The sunglasses went back up, and his arm reached out, fingers just brushing the slippery material of her jacket. There was no way that he was going to chance embracing her. "Be careful, New York. You don't want to come back with a cast on your leg to match your wrist."
She wasn't going to be so bashful. Brooklyn was about to go on the road without being able to see him for awhile, and she wasn't going to let the opportunity pass her by. She stepped closer and wrapped her arms around his neck, closing her eyes. His arms went around her waist, and she heard him inhale sharply when her perfume drifted towards him. "I'll see you in a little while," she whispered, pulling away.
JC brought his hand up, trailing it across her cheek for a moment before bending down and brushing his lips against hers quickly. Almost the moment that the contact was made, they both jerked away like they had been burned. "I'm sorry. I really don't know what I'm doing here, New York."
Her head shook and she started to step backwards. "That's all right. I mean, it's still...uh...soon since...you know. Yeah, right. Bye guys," she said with a wave, climbing up the stairs to get on the tour bus. The door slammed shut after her.
"Oh my...is that a smile? Couldn't be. Not on Brooke's face. That's just not possible. It must just be someone that looks like her," Chris said, letting his mouth drop open as she came closer towards him. "No, wait. I'd recognize those eyes anywhere, but I think you might be her identical twin, because Brooke wouldn't smile right now. After all, she's still kicking herself in the ass."
She smirked and threw her backpack into the vehicle. "Cute, Chris. It's nice to see you again, too."
Rolling his eyes, he opened the passenger side door for her and waited for her to get in before slamming it shut, faintly hearing her laugh as he climbed into the driver's seat and slammed that door shut as well. "You know, I think you're the only person that could make a college football shirt and a pair of old jeans look sexy."
She coughed quickly before directing a smile towards him. "Thank you, but it scares me that you think that way about me. For your information, this is not just a college football shirt, but it is a shirt that proudly supports the Tennessee Volunteers, who happen to be THE best college team out there." She stuck her tonuge out as she reached for her seatbelt and jerked it over her shoulder.
"You...since when do you watch football? Oh, no, wait. Let me guess. BECAUSE it's the Volunteers, you watch football. I get it now," he said when she nodded along with him. "So, would you like to explain something to me? I mean, I'm kind of curious, but you don't have to answer if you don't want, even though I'm sure that I already know it."
A sigh sounded from her and she reached forward to play with the radio. "Why am I staying at your place rather than moving back in with JC, right? The answer to that is very clear. It's because..." She fell silent and frowned, trying to come up with a good answer. "It's because I didn't get to see you as much as I wanted when I was out here, and...and I miss you. Yeah, that's it."
Chris slapped her hand away and went to change the station when he heard country music coming from the speakers. "Hey now. I'm not JC. I only listen to one country singer, and that would be you. I don't even listen to your music a hell of a lot, because I HATE country music. I will NOT listen to it in my car, all right?" She groaned when he changed the station to something that she didn't like.
"Nu uh, don't think so," she said under her breath, turning off the radio. "You don't listen to country, I don't listen to this crap. If we're not going to agree, then we're not going to listen to anything. I don't care if this is your vehicle, all right? You will not force me to listen to any pop, rock, or rap music. Thank you, I'm done."
He started out of the parking lot of the hotel and grumbled under his breath. "Just because you're pissed at yourself doesn't mean that you can take it out on me. I will listen to you rant and rave, but I'm not your punching bag, Brooke. At the risk of sounding like a parent who's had too much from their bratty kids on a road trip, if you don't get your head out of your ass and start acting like the sweet Brooklyn that I know, I'm going to turn around and drop you off at the hotel so that you can stay there, all right?" She slammed her head against the window, and groaned when she pulled it away, rubbing the side of it. "Why don't you try to hit it harder next time? You might break it. Lord knows that you have one hell of a hard head."
Brooklyn turned towards him. "You think I have an attitude? You should listen to yourself, Chris. Did someone cancel your subscription to Playboy? Is The Cartoon Network off the air? You must be dealing with the male version of PMS or something."
There was no doubt that he was walking into a joke, but he couldn't resist. "Oh, and this male version of PMS would be called what?"
"MSB. Major Sperm Build-Up. There is a solution for that, but I suggest not doing it when I'm around, all right? If I hear strange noises coming from your room, the mental images are going to be just a little too much to take, and you're going to be looking for a white coat with very long sleeves that will wrap around my back and tie in the front. Are we understood?" she asked, crossing her arms as she leaned back in her seat. "Look, I'm sorry that I'm in a pissy-ass mood, but there's only so much that I can take in my life at once. Getting another letter, and having to wear this stupid, ITCHY cast isn't exactly what I had planned for this tour."
"Another letter? What exactly are you not telling me here, Brooke?"
Her eyes went down to her lap and stayed there as she spoke softly. "I thought I told you. I might have, but I wouldn't be surprised if you forgot. Remember the infamous ring incident in New York? I've been getting letters every now and then from someone pretending to be Tim, because there is no way that my name or address could get through the guards at the jail. Needless to say, it's not exactly the best thing in the world to get one." Looking up, she groaned. "Get the protective look out of your eyes and before you ask, yes, JC knows about it. How could he not? Like I told you before, he knows practically everything there is to know about me."
Chris nodded slowly. "Wow. I never knew that you were dealing with that sort of thing. Why didn't you tell anyone?"
"Oh, like that's something that I really want to think about. Get real. Besides, there's no point in telling anyone about it, because then they would just get all protective on me and I need my breathing space, damn it. I also don't want the press to know about it, because everyone in the public eye goes through this at least once. It's no big deal, and I'm sure it'll stop in a little while, all right? Thank you. Now, can we please change the subject?"
He nodded. "Sure. We can talk about the fact that you don't want to be around Jace right now. How's that topic?"
"Not good. Chris," she whined, pulling out his name for as long as she could, "have you ever considered butting out of someone's business? I realize that what's been happening lately sounds like it's off of one of the stupidest soap operas in the world...wait, that has a name, I forgot. It's called 'Passions', but that's besides the point." When she noticed his strange look, she started to laugh. "Don't mind me, I have some strong feelings against that show. Look, you can't keep this up forever. All I want to do is kick back and watch some old Inspector Gadget cartoons, all right?"
"Fine, but you can't avoid the subject forever," he said, his mind racing. He had been toying with something for a few days, and while it meant that he could finally get her to see the truth, it also meant risking a lot. To name a few would be Brooklyn AND JC's friendship, his morals and reputation, and his somewhat clear conscience.
He didn't even know if he had the guts to go through with what he was thinking, but it was sad to see her avoiding someone that she cared a lot about. He wouldn't do this for just anyone, he told himself many times, but that didn't mean that he wanted to risk everything. Yet, it would be a way to open Brooklyn's eyes, and that meant a lot when he thought about where she was at the moment.
Still, the thought of risking all that made him think twice. He hated making decisions; he sucked at making decisions, but he also knew that he didn't have that much of a choice. Sometimes, he realized, it wasn't that much fun being Chris Kirkpatrick, and he wasn't even going to touch on the status of himself. This all had to do with his friends and their stupid decisions. Why he had to get involved, he would never know, but it was about time that he had a decision about his plan.
And he was pretty sure he had.
The SUV stopped in the driveway and the two of them slid out, not talking as they collected her things and carried them towards the house. Chris stopped to unlock the door, and they kicked their shoes off, heading up the stairs to the room that she was going to be using. She sighed when she dropped her bags and flopped onto the bed, closing her eyes.
"Brooke?" he asked cautiously, almost uncertainly. "Can we talk about...this whole thing?"
She sat up, annoyed, and her eyes snapped open. "I really don't want to get into this, Chris. PLEASE just drop it for now. I want some sleep, and that's it. That's all that I want. If you love me, if you really, really love me, you would let me get these few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Are we clear?"
His head shook and he moved to lean against the wall, crossing his arms. That's just where he wanted to be. "No, because you need to talk about this. You can't avoid it, and I don't want you to. You have to decide what you're going to do about it." It was the same argument that he had been using for awhile now, and even if it was getting old, it was the truth. He was going to get her to talk about it, whether or not she wanted to. "What ARE you going to do about it? You've had a lot of time to think about it, while you were on tour."
A frown settled on her face and she looked up at him. "I should have known that you wouldn't let this drop. You keep pushing until you get the answer that you want, and it's getting just the slightest bit annoying. Do you understand that, at least?"
"Stop avoiding the subject and answer the damned question, Brooklyn."
"Ooh, my full first name. I'm scared now. Should I start trembling for effect, or are you taking my word for it?" The bitchiness and the sour attitude had returned. "You're right, I've thought a lot about it. I should have been thinking about this televised concert and I should have been nervous about it, but no, I've had him on my mind this whole time, and I'm getting sick of that, too. I've analyzed this situation from every possible angle. You can't imagine all the different ways that I've looked at it, and I think I came to the answer."
His eyes rolled. "Not that there was a question to begin with, really."
When he saw the expression on her face, he could only sum it up as one thing. It looked like she had taken a big bite out of a lemon and kept it in her mouth. It was as sour as could be. "Look, I know that I said I made a mistake when I said those words that night, but I'm starting to think that I'm wrong. It wasn't a mistake."
Chris nodded. "Sure, keep telling yourself that you're not the bad person in this situation. Have you even seen what JC looks like recently? Have you talked to him?"
"Oh, I suppose that you're going to tell me that it looks like I reached in and pulled out his heart, before stomping on it in front of him, right? Give me a freaking break. I don't need this right now. You said that you wanted to know what I was thinking about it, but you never said anything about interrupting me and calling me down. That hotel idea is looking more and more appealing right now."
Nonchalantely, he studied his hands before slowly raising his eyes to meet hers. "I'm not doing anything but making you see the truth. That's what you need, most of all, right now, because you're lying and deceiving yourself. And you know it. You just won't admit to it."
She stood up and threw her hands in the air. "God, shut up, would you? Just shut UP! I didn't do anything wrong. I told the truth. When I said that I wanted to go back to being friends, I meant it, all right? I may have had feelings for him before, but I don't anymore. I'm allowed to change my mind, aren't I? I don't have to follow what everyone else tells me, and I've finally made up my own mind. I'm happy just being friends. I don't feel anything for him BUT friendship, and I don't want anything BUT friendship. I was right when I said that I didn't want to get into a relationship, and I was right when I resisted it, but no. Everyone had to keep pushing. You had to keep pushing, he had to keep pushing...what, is God against me or something?"
Stalking closer to him, she pointed a finger at his chest and narrowed her eyes. "I've had enough of this shit, all right? I don't need him. At least, not in the sense that you mean, and I'm beginning to wonder if I ever really did need him. Don't you even tell me that my words are coming from my anger, either, all right? I know what I'm feeling. Do you want my to say it slower so that you'll comprehend my words, because you don't seem to be able to."
He nodded slowly. "I've heard you, loud and clear. I just don't believe you. That's the difference, sweetheart. You THINK that you're right, but your eyes tell me that you know you're wrong."
"Damn it, Chris! I know what I mean! What I'm saying is right, and you can't tell me that it's not. You can't tell me that I don't believe myself, because that is the stupidest statement that I've heard in awhile. In fact, it's the stupidest thing that I've heard since I told JC that I would be willing to give everything a chance. Well, I was wrong then with my words, but I know for sure that I'm not wrong this time. You're purposely trying to pick a fight with me because you think that it will make me see the error of my ways. Leave. It. Alone."
With a slow and casual manner, he batted down the finger that was pointing at him. "Leave it alone, huh? Well, I'm sorry, but I can't. I can't leave it alone, because unlike someone I know the truth. Without naming names or anything, Brooklyn. And I won't leave this alone until you admit your true feelings."
"I JUST DID! Aren't you listening to me? No, of course not, because that's too easy. You have to be one of the most stubborn people that I've ever met, and don't get that proud looking smile on your face. I am three seconds away from slapping you across the face, and I'm not ashamed to say that I would ENJOY it at this point."
Chris looked down at his watch and drew out a yawn as long as he could. "Look at that, three seconds is up and I still haven't been slapped in the face. Looks like you weren't telling the truth again. And to think that I was actually worried for...oh, half a second or so." Color started to grow in her face, and her cheeks were beginning to glow a bright red. "Are you angry, Brooke? I'm so sorry if I offended you. I never meant to," he said in the most sarcastic voice that he could muster. Oh, his plan was going wonderfully.
Her flush was getting more and more pronounced. "Of course not, because you're not like that. Forgive me for not slapping you, but unfortunately, I'm trying to hold onto whatever shred of friendship that you and I might have. Stupid idea, yes, I know, but I can't help it. God, I thought that you were supposed to be on my side here. I thought that you were my friend, but all you can do is slam all this crap in my face. Did you hear me? It's nothing but shit."
He placed a hand to his chest and gasped. "Brooklyn said a bad word. I better call your brother right now." A grin started to spread on his face. It was cold and calculated, but she couldn't call it malicious. "See, that's where you're mistaken. I am your friend, and while I am somewhat on your side, I'm also JC's friend. Meaning that I'm also on his side. I'm basically stuck in a tug of war here, and I'm trying to remain as neutral as possible." If that wasn't a lie, he didn't know what one was. She picked up on it, too, and a disbelieving look went into her eyes. "I don't want to see either one of you hurt, but you seem to forget that you've already hurt him. So, bravo, but don't be offended if I don't applaud and ask for an encore, because I don't want to see one.
"If you were going to do this, if you knew that you were going to do this, why didn't you just run away when you had the chance? Why would you string him along like you've done." The only chance he had was to attack her, personally, as much as it hurt him to do it. He had no other choice, though. "All you had to do was look at him and he would come running. And you knew it, Brooke. You knew that he hung on your every word. You knew that he watched your every movement. You knew all of this and you let it happen. Why didn't you stop it when you had the chance?"
Tears rose in her eyes quickly, and Chris felt like the biggest jerk on the face of the Earth. He hated himself at the moment he saw the tears sparkling in her already bright eyes. "I didn't know it, all right? I was so caught up in my own pain and suffering, my own problems that I never saw any of it. You know that. You told me about it. I was blind to all of it and YOU KNOW IT."
He made sure that he was as emotionless as possible, but it was hard. It was hard to watch one of his friends being torn apart, piece by piece, and he was the one that was doing it, for Christ's sake. He was the one that was tearing her apart as effortlessly as he would take apart a puzzle. "What, you think that tears are going to help you now? You think that I'm going to feel bad because I see you crying? Nice try, Brooke. Your true personality is shining through, and to tell you the truth? It makes me sick. It makes me physically sick to see you playing one of my best friends the way that you have, and it makes me sick to see you trying to do the same thing with me. You can use your charm and your beauty all you want, but it won't change the way that I feel about you. Did I hurt your feelings? Go cry to someone that cares, because I sure as hell don't."
This was going a little too far, but he couldn't stop now. He wasn't trying to make her run into JC's arms or anything, and the only thing that actually made him sick as how he was acting. "Talk about true personalities. I see your plain as day now. Why did I ever trust you, you ass," she shot back as angrily as she could, but the truth was, it hurt her to see him acting like this.
"Oh, no. You're not turning this around to be a personal attack on me. I know far too much about you to let that happen. Did you really think that you were fooling anyone, other than yourself? I admit that you did have me fooled for a little while. You led me to believe that you were perfect. That there was nothing wrong about you. I got caught up in the lies just as easily as JC did. How long did you have this planned, by the way? Did you start this the first day that you met him? You must have known that there was something there."
"I didn't!" she screamed. "He told me that night, but I didn't know! I didn't know that he had felt that way about me for that long, and I'm sorry that he did, but I can't return feelings that I know are not true. Don't you see that? I may have hurt him, but I'm trying to protect him in the long run. I'm trying to make sure that I don't hurt him later on down the road. It's better that he heard about it before anything started to happen between us. It was better this way."
Smiling snidely, Chris leaned more heavily against the wall, and clicked his tonge three times. "What, did you decide to give up the game that you were playing? I thought you were different. I really did, Brooke. Geez, you should have known that the sweet and innocent act that you put on was only that. An act. So, how does the play end? Do you go running back into his arms and continue your act, or do you run away and ignore him? I want to know so I know whether or not I have to protect him."
Her head shook, and one of the tears slipped down her cheek. "You think so highly of me, Chris, and I thank you for it." Her voice was nothing but a defeated whisper now. "Do you even understand? Because I don't think that you do. I never meant to hurt him, but it's better that it came so quick. I'm over him, and I will be for the rest of my life, so why can't you let it drop? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go call a taxi to come and pick me up, because I'm not staying somewhere that I'm not wanted."
Faster than she could have ever imagined, Chris grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her around, her back hitting the wall lightly. "You're over him, huh?" he asked.
"Yes, I am. Let go of me. Don't make me kick your ass to get away from you, because I'm not putting up with one more abusive relationship in my life, whether it be love or friendship."
His eyes narrowed again. "You're really over him." It was more of a statement than a question.
Letting out a frustrated groan, she nodded. "I am over him. Read my damned lips. There's nothing there."
He met her nod. "Okay, if you're over him..." He trailed off and took a deep breath. This was it, and he hoped to hell that it would work. It had to work. There was no way that it wouldn't work. He still had doubts, though, and his friendship with two people rested on his decisions right now. "If you're over him, like you say, like you scream in my face...then kiss me."
"WHAT?" she exclaimed. "Are you kidding me? Something must have knocked loose in your brain, because there is no way in HELL that I'm going to do that."
His head shook. "If you're over him, then you have no problem with it. You said that you were over him, and I won't believe it until you show me that you're truly over him. There are no feelings attached behind this, and I don't have a problem with that, but prove it to me. I need cold hard proof to believe you, and the only proof that I can get is if you kiss me."
She squirmed under the hands that held her against the wall. "I can't believe this. My lips are going to be raped by a boyband member. Let go of me, Chris. I'm not going to tell you again." She moved again, but his hands pressed harder until she couldn't move at all.
"So, what? You're telling me that you're not over him? Make up your mind, Brooklyn. Either plant one on me with those country superstar lips, or tell me that you were the biggest idiot in the world and that you were wrong. It's your choice. It's not like this is the end of the world here. Make your choice."
Her bottom lip was captured by her teeth, and she stared at him before she growled. "Fine. You want me to show you that I'm over him? I will." This wasn't what he wanted. Not what he wanted at all, he thought. The sheer surprise of her words made him let go of her shoulders, and she leaned forward, before her eyes slammed shut, and her head hit the wall with a bang. "I can't," she whispered. "I can't do it."
He let out the deep breath that he was holding, and his forehead slammed against the same wall beside her head. "Oh, thank God!" he exclaimed. "Thank God. You don't know how much I was going to hate myself for that."
Brooklyn sniffled, and another tear coursed down her cheek. "I was going to, just to prove it, but I couldn't, because I'm not over him. I could never be over him." Her arms hesitantly wrapped around his waist, and her head raised to where she could rest her face against him. Her tears were coming faster and faster as she spoke. "I want to be, so badly, but I can't. I just...I want this to be over, Chris. Can't you make it be over?"
At least he got the reaction that he was going for, he thought. "You're the only one that can do that. I might be able to help, but I can't help until you tell me about," he told her, listening to her sniffle again. He may have gotten the right reaction, but he still felt like an ass. Listening to her cry, to feel her shake when she sobbed quietly, made him feel like the biggest piece of crap, but he couldn't do anything about it now.
"That's the problem," she said, pulling herself away. She turned to face the wall and wiped away her tears angrily. "I don't KNOW what the problem is or what I'm supposed to do. I don't know and I hate it. I can't stand it!" she shouted and kicked the wall. With a sharp intake of breath, she turned around and hobbled over to the bed. "A broken toe and a fractured wrist. I have a great record going right now," she groaned, reaching down to rub her foot.
"You dent my wall, you're paying for it," he warned her, sitting down on the bed beside her. "I know what you're trying to do. You're avoiding the subject and I'm going to get it out of you even if I have to make you scream at me again. What exactly do you hate about this?"
Her head shook and she bowed her head so that her hair created a small curtain around her face. It had grown quite a bit since she had cut it, and it was slowly getting back to its normal length. "Everything, Chris. I just...it's a love/hate thing, you know? Like the way that he looks at me. I love to know that I created that look in his eyes. I love that he looks at me like that. But I hate it at the same time. I don't know why I hate it, but I do."
Chris smiled and put his arm around her. "Yes, you do know why you hate it, but you won't admit it to yourself. There's a lot that you won't admit to yourself."
"You're right. I DO know why."
He waited for her to go on, but he was going to be waiting for a long time, because she had stopped talking again. "Brooke, tell me. Tell me why you hate it. GOD, I'm really startingto sound like a parent to a kid now."
Her head came up, and she shot him a bad look. "Excuse me, but I'm twenty five. I don't need you telling me that I'm acting like a little kid. What I am acting like is a sixteen year old girl that has a crush on someone, but doesn't want to admit it, because she thinks that it's stupid. THAT is what I sound like, and you damned well know it. There, I said it. I still like him."
"Avoiding the subject," he sang softly.
"Going to kick your ass," she sang back before sighing. "Okay, you want to know why I hate the way he looks at me? Because I could never EVER be the person that he expects me to be. He looks at me like I'm perfect. Well, I'm not and I'll never be perfect. I don't want him to be disillusioned, but...but he will be if he keeps up this fantasy of me. I'm not going to be able to be the person that he expects me to be, and as much as I want to be that person...it's just not possible."
He had to laugh. That was the only reaction he could give to her words, and when Brooklyn heard it, she turned around and smacked him on the stomach. "Ow, that hurt. You have one hell of a backhand there, sweetie. Remind me never to piss you off again," he said, rubbing his stomach. "I'm sorry for laughing, but what you said is ridiculous. Don't you think that Jace sees your faults? He knows that you have some. It's BECAUSE of those faults that he thinks you're perfect. You don't try and hide them. You admit when you can't do something. You have an attitude that can turn some people off. You have so many problems and faults that it's not even funny, but THAT is whatmakes you perfect."
He watched as her eyes widened slowly. "I told him the exact same thing a long time ago. There's still one thing that bothers me, and that's the fact that I can't be who he expects me to be. I can't be the loving girlfriend all the time, because I have my own life to think about. He knows that. We already talked about. That was what we talked about when...when...that night. And you know what night I'm talking about, so don't even ask me to tell you what night exactly."
A smirk appeared on his face. "I've put you through enough hell already today. I'm not going to bother asking you." Chris took a deep breath and looked towards the ceiling. "Is that what the whole problem is, Brooke, or are you trying to make excuses, because I know that I've never heard you talk about your career like that, or used it as an excuse not to do something. 'I'm sorry, I can't allow myself to be happy in life, because I have a career to think about, and I have to get up and sing on a stage.' Nice try."
"It's an excuse," she mumbled. "It's strange. I'm perfectly fine with everything but something happens and I eventually freeze up. I don't know why. No, wait, yes, I do. It has to do with Tim, and for some reason, I can't get it out of my mind. I just...I trust him, and he knows it, but when we get to a certain point, I just can't help myself. I'm too afraid to go any further, because I don't want to get attached."
"Attached?" he asked increduously. "You're already attached to him. Nice try, though."
Her eyes rolled and she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her thighs as she looked at the ground. "I am attached, but not totally. There is an emotional attachment there, and I admit it, but Chris, it's not to the point that he would like it to be, and I just can't. I can't, because...because I don't want to give myself up so easily. I gave away my heart last time and look what happened. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that JC would ever hit me or try to kill me. I know that he wouldn't, but I'm afraid to be hurt and to be disappointed again. I can't allow myself to go through it again, because if I do...if I do, I'm not going to make it through this time. You wanted the truth, you got the truth."
She stood up quickly and tucked her hair behind her ears, pacing for a moment before she looked over at him. "There's something in my mind that starts up whenever we get too close. It's like it's raising the red flag or something. You can't do this, Brooklyn, it tells me. You can't allow yourself to do that. So I don't let it happen. I pull myself away and force myself to take a few deep breaths, and I start to think...if this is going to continue, why the hell do I keep going on? Why the hell do I allow myself to fall for someone, when I shouldn't. When I can't. I still have to get over what happened to me last time. I can't let anything happen between the two of us until I get over everything, and that could take so many years that I don't want him to wait."
Chris shook his head. "Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, he's the person that can help you through all of this? Maybe he's what you're looking for."
A cold laugh sounded from her. One hand came up, and she rubbed her forehead like she had a headache. "How do you know that? This is something that I need to go through by myself. God, I keep going back to this, and I shouldn't. I keep using this as an excuse, and while it's a valid one, I shouldn't have to."
"I think I may have just hit the nail on the head there. You need him just as much as he needs you, and you don't know it yet. I can see it in your eyes. Brooke, if there's one thing that you can't hide, it's what your eyes say, and your eyes say that you need him. That's what scares you the most. You're so independant, and you don't want to say that you want...sorry, that you need to lean on someone for once."
"Cute. What are you, striving for a psychiatric degree or something?" she snapped.
A grin covered his face. "I already have one, but thanks for thinking that I'm that smart."
"It wasn't a compliment, but take it however you want. Look, the truth is that I'm afraid to lose myself. That's what I don't want. I don't want to lose myself."
He stood up and looked over at her, eyes sparkling. "Isn't that what being in love is all about? Losing yourself? Think about it, Brooke, because you know that I'm right."
As JC slid down on the couch, his eyes went towards the clock, making sure that it wasn't too late to call before his fingers pressed the familiar ten buttons. A smile started to grow on his face when he heard someone pick up. "Hey, Ma. I just thought that I would do my usual 'call every second week once I manage to pull myself away from my busy schedule' before I forgot. How's everything at home?"
The voice that he was so accustomed to answered him. It was the same as when he was a kid, and the warm tone always brought him back to his childhood whenever he called. "Everything over here is fine, but there must be something wrong with you," she said, a smile making her voice seem even warmer.
"Why would you say that?" He couldn't lie to his mom, but he could pull out the real answer for a little while, at least.
"Joshua, you always call me at nine o'clock in the morning, not eight at night. As for the every second week excuse, did you happen to know that you called me three days ago? Besides that, I can hear it in your voice. There's something wrong. You can't fool your mother."
He sighed and closed his eyes, propping his head against the arm. "It's nothing, really. Was it only three days ago that I called you? I thought that it was a week."
Again, the smile was in her voice. "It was three days ago, sweetie. Since I can tell that you're not going to tell me, let me see if I can guess what's wrong." He laughed and nodded, even though she couldn't see him. "Okay...well, normally you wouldn't call right away if there was something wrong. Normally you would talk it out with Chris, but even he hasn't called to tell me that something was wrong, and he always does."
He sat up a little straighter and his eyes opened quickly. "What? He doesn't tell me that he calls you."
"That's because he doesn't want you to know, so don't tell him that I told you, all right? Whenever he's concerned about you, he calls me and tells me so that I can find some way to get it out of you when you call. You're lucky to have such great friends."
"I know," he said quietly. "I can't go to Chris with this one."
Before, his mom knew that he had nodded. Now he knew that SHE had nodded. Traveling for months on end had solidified the bond between them, and they could practically read each other's thoughts. He had never thought about it before, but now he realized that he was lucky to have a relationship like that with his mother. Brooklyn had been the one to show him that. "It must be pretty serious if you can't go to Chris. And you didn't ask to talk to Dad, so it's something that he can't help you with. Your voice is low, it sounds rough, and you sound tired. Who's the girl and what's the problem?"
JC laughed and stared at the ceiling. "You're too good, Ma. I can't believe that you figured it out so quickly. It IS a girl...a woman, and there IS a problem, but I can't do anything about it. I think that's what hurts the most." She made her little "mm" sound, which meant that he was supposed to go on. "You know about New York already."
"Brooklyn? She sounds like the sweetest girl. You two didn't have a fight, did you? I could understand how that could hurt you, but..."
"It wasn't a fight. At least, not really. It's just that...that..." He stopped, trying to find the right words, before it came out in a long stream that never wanted to stop. "She's so amazing and incredible. There's no one like her. She just...lights up a room whenever she comes in, and I don't think that there's a man alive that doesn't look at her when she walks by. New York is so incredibly sweet and kind, and she's got the best sense of humor. She can keep you laughing for hours if she wants to, and she's so real, not like most people, you know? She's just...would it be wrong to say that I'm obsessed?" he finished weakly and laughed bitterly.
Silence greeted him on the other end for a moment before she started to talk again. "What's the problem? There's obviously something there."
He rubbed his eyes and sighed louder. "She's everything that I always wanted, but you know the whole story about what happened to her, right?"
"I remember. I remember you calling me and crying because you were so concerned about her. I also remember you telling me that you were going to protect her for the rest of your life, until there was no breath left in your body. That was the moment that I knew Brooklyn was the girl for you."
Taking a shaky breath, he blinked twice. "And I meant it. I still do. The only thing is...we...I can't believe that I'm going to tell my mom this. This is something that you talk about with your friends, not your mother. God, there is something wrong with me right now, and I don't know what it is." Another deep breath before he started to talk again. "It's just that...she admitted that...we decided that we were going to try working on a relationship, and-"
"You were going to try working on a relationship? I'm sorry for interrupting, but that sounds a little...uncertain, if you ask me. Try to work? What were you trying to say? I want to try a relationship, but I'm too afraid to actually say it, so let's use this as an excuse and if it doesn't work out, we don't have to worry about it. Josh, that doesn't make sense at all."
Just hearing that name brought a smile to his face. His mom was one of the few people that still called him by that name, and it was nice to hear again. "I know it doesn't, but I didn't want to push her, so I thought that it was the best way to go about it. She's so cautious right now, and...and I think that something that I did scared her off. She's not even staying at my place anymore. Chris picked her up today, and she's spending the next few days at his place before her big televised concert."
His mom sighed this time. "That's why you can't go to him."
"That's why I can't go to him. I just...I feel like crap, because it must have been something that I did to make her run, and I'm worried that I might have ruined our friendship. We're almost cold towards each other now, and she never called me when she got into town. I know that her and Chris are close friends, and they have been since the day that they met, I believe, but...why is she running to him instead of me? She's always ran to me. Does that sound bratty?"
"You were the furthest thing from a brat when you were a kid, and I'm sure that what you're feeling is definitely not bratty. Josh, I know that you're not going to like this question, and you may think that you can't answer it, but how do you feel about Brooklyn? How do you actually feel?"
The one question that had bounced around in his mind so much. The one question that he wanted to avoid for the moment, because it wouldn't help anything if he answered. What good would it do? Brooklyn wasn't around to hear it. "I'm in love with her, Ma. I can't say it to her face, but I am in love with her, and I know that I am. It may be too soon to say something like that, but it feels so right. But it doesn't matter, because she's not here anymore. You know, I've always frozen up whenever I wanted to say it. Yes, I'm in love with Brooklyn Arizona Turner, but now that she's not here, I can say it so easily."
There was sympathy in his mom's voice when she started to speak, but more than that, there was understanding. "I know, Joshua. That's usually when you can say it. When they've gone, but you of all people know that Brooklyn won't be gone for long."
"How do you know?" he asked in a whisper. "I don't know this, and I don't think that she knows this. If she was going to be back, she would have been back by now, but she's not. She's fifteen minutes away, with Chris, at his house, and there's nothing that I can do about it. What, I'm supposed to go over there and ask her to take me back? We were never together in the first place." A solitary tear slipped down his cheek. "Ma, I need her. She makes me who I am, and I can't have her."
His eyes closed and he forced himself to get control of his emotions. This was ridiculous, he thought, as he wiped at the wet mark on his face. "You're right. You can't have her, and you can never have her."
"I called for a little advice and to see if you could make me feel better. I didn't ask you to tell me what I can't have, when I know it, plain as day."
There was no smile in her voice when she started to talk to him. The smile seemed to have left her voice for good. At least, for good during this conversation. "Now, you listen to me. You go in the bathroom, wash your face and blow your nose, because you're starting to sniffle and I hate that sound over the phone. Then, look in the mirror. You should have the answer to whatever question you want answered if you do that. I'll wait for you."
JC put the phone down and pulled himself up off the couch, wondering what the hell he was doing. It had been years since his mom had chastised him, especially over the phone. He walked towards the bathroom, wondering what he had said that was so wrong to her, for her to tell him what to do.
But he still followed her directions, and braced his elbows on the counter, looking at himself in the mirror. He didn't like the reflection that he saw, but there was nothing he could do about it at that moment. "I didn't even say that I needed a question answered," he whispered, standing up. He continued to stare at himself as his hand came down and scratched above his elbow.
His eyes narrowed when he saw the small bruises on his arm, and he lifted it to look at it better. The bruise was a result of a wrestling match between him and Justin one day, but he never noticed that he had hit his elbow hard enough of the edge of Justin's table to do that. One finger circled it when his eyes widened. "That's it," he said, running back to the living room. He picked up the phone and ran his free hand through his hair. "Ma, I figured it out. The reason why she pulled away, that is. It's because of Tim, isn't it?" he asked, remembering now to curse when he was talking to her. Normally, he called him a bastard or an ass, but not when he was talking to his mom. "It's because of what happened with Tim. She's afraid that something like that is going to happen."
"She's afraid to be hurt, honey. And she's justified in that. She had a rough relationship, and a rough year. I'm sure that she knows that you would never hurt her intentionally, but it's the unintentional hurts that affect people the most. That's all. You just have to help her see past that enough that she can see you."
"That's impossible, though. I mean, she's changed a lot since that month that she spent locked in the house. But she's different from what she was before what happened to her. The girl that I met was just that. She was still a girl, even if she was twenty four. There was something about her...no matter how tough New York pretended to be, you could tell that she was still a girl at heart. It's almost like she's grown up since then."
His mom laughed delightfully. "A birthday can change a lot in a person. Just look at me. I'm ready for a mid-life crisis. Now all you have to do is show her that you wouldn't do anything like that. It's something that you have to do on your own, though. It's not something that anyone can help you with. You understand that, don't you?"
He nodded quickly. "Of course, but that's the problem. That's what I have to figure out. And if I know Chris, he's trying to break through whatever she's using to protect herself right now. He's always been that way with New York." Pausing, he stretched out and tapped one finger on the arm of the couch, thinking rapidly. "Ma, there's something that worries me, though. When we...when she decided that we would be better if we went back to the friends stage of our relationship, she brought up the fact that she had a career to think about. She was serious when she said that."
"No, she wasn't. She was coming up with an excuse. It's just like when you call someone and they tell you that they're washing their hair, so they can't go out tonight. It's the exact same thing. Brooklyn needed something for an excuse, and she found it, didn't she? You may thought that she was serious, but you must have seen something that told you that she wasn't. Either that, or you were too wrapped up in your own feelings to notice that."
He wet his lips and let out a loud breath. "How do you know all of this? You've never even met New York before. All you know about her is what I tell you, and I haven't told you everything about her."
He had been wrong before. He could hear the smile in her voice, and it caused him to smile again. It felt good to smile like that. It had been hard to let a genuine smile hit his face for the past few days, while he brooded about the fact that she wanted to be friends. "I did the exact same thing with your dad. I know what she's doing, because I did it, too. Not everything in life is going to come easy to you, and just like your career, you're going to have to work at this. You're going to have to break down whatever walls she built around herself for protection, and you're going to have to find a way into her heart, but Josh, you have to listen to me carefully. When you said that you couldn't have her, you were right."
"I don't understand that. That's the second time that you've told me that. I don't get it. Why CAN'T I have her?" he asked, a whine entering his voice.
"Because you can't own someone. You'll never have. You can GET her in your arms, you can GET her into your heart, but you cannot HAVE her anywhere. Do you know what I mean? She's her own person. You can't force her to do something that she doesn't want to do, and that's what she's playing on right now. She's a smart girl."
JC laughed quietly. "Smarter than you think, Ma. At least, she's much smarter than me."
"That's not hard to beat," his mother said dryly.
His mouth dropped open. "Ma!"
Brooklyn sighed and looked away from the window. About an hour ago, it seemed like the sky opened up and rain started pouring, without any sign of stopping. For the past half hour, she had been sitting on the window seat in the living room, watching it trail down the window, hugging her legs close to her. Most of the time, she loved the rain. It was something that she didn't get to see all that often, and it was a refreshing change from sweating to death.
That didn't mean that it wasn't depressing, and it was this time. Still, she couldn't tear her eyes away from it. She could feel Chris look at her every now and then from where he was stretched out, watching television, but she couldn't bring herself to go over and watch with him. The window was her own television at the moment. She watched the rain splash in the driveway and start to land in little puddles. She watched the children across the street go out and start splashing around in those puddles without a care in the world. She watched their mother come out and scold them, while standing on the porch so that she wouldn't get wet. She watched the kids go back inside, and then she was back to watching the rain fall again.
There was an almost hypnotic quality about it. It was the same scene over and over, and she couldn't change the channel, but it was interesting to say the least. Every car that drove by created a tidal wave onto the sidewalk, but she couldn't even laugh when someone was hit by the wave of water. She just watched and blinked her eyes a few times. A smile didn't even appear on her face.
The window seat was becoming her favorite part of his house. She didn't have one at her house, and she always thought that they gave any house a charming look. Chris obviously didn't care about it, but she took a few throw pillows from around the living room and climbed on, making herself comfortable. It was almost like she was a statue. The only time she had moved as to push her hair away from her face when it got in her way.
The whole time that she had been sitting there, she was thinking about what Chris had said before he left the room. Was she really in love with JC? It was possible, she thought. It was more than possible. It was likely. No, it was more than likely. "It's true," she whispered to herself.
"She lives. Lord in Heaven, she lives!" he shouted, throwing his arms up to the ceiling. "Uh...that would be your cue to laugh, I believe."
"It wasn't that funny," she said quietly, putting her fingers on the edge of the window, feeling how cold it was. "Does the whole city usually stop whenever rain starts to fall?" she asked curiously, turning her head slightly to look at him.
He nodded quickly. "Of course. You see, everyone out here in made of sugar, and they're afraid that they're going to melt if they get wet by the rain. It's not that much of a surprise, though. They come to Florida to escape the rain and the bad weather, so when it comes around, they completely freak out."
Her seemingly ever present frown showed itself again. "That sounds ridiculous. I love the rain."
"Obviously. You've been staring at it forever. Or is it just something to take your mind off of what I told you?"
Oh, he was smart. He was damned smart. "Well, you're half right. Watching the rain helps me think. I guess you can tell that I don't do a hell of a lot of thinking out in Tennessee. We don't get all that much rain. Probably less than you do."
"I don't care about the rain fall or lack of in Tennessee. Have you come to a decision yet?"
Taking a deep breath, she nodded. "I came to a decision, and I'm going to go through with it this time. I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm going through with it."
Chapter Twenty
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