101 Ways to order a pizza

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop pressing the buttons.

2. Make up a credit-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. End the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the person taking the order that you have a rival pizza place on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Just give them your address and exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" Then hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: robust, free-spirited, cost-efficient, ukrainian, and puce.

11. Tell the order taker to "put the crust on top this time."

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite Metallica song.

3. Refuse to name the toppings you want. Instead spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "P."

16. Ask for a special offer that's only available from their competitor. (For example: If calling Domino's, ask for a "Cheeser! Cheeser!")

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say "Hello," act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Convince him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every five seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like..." A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure it's right, say, "Okay,that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Ask if you can rent a pizza. Tell them about their competitors "rental plan".

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni" Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream "Goodbye!" at the top of your lungs.

35. Ask them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say, "What would you like?", say "Huh? Oh, you mean now?"

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for the pizza after the movie people call back.

45. Ask the order taker "if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza."

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say,"Where was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then change your mind and say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for "the guy who took my order last time."

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by thy sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with, "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and... action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair plans.

66. Be as vague as possible with your order, but be very specific about the proper dimensions for the box.

67. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more Oomph this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say, "I wonder what this button on the phone does." Pretend to be cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Make a loud "Ksssssssht" sound into the phone. Ask the order taker, "Did you feel that?"

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say,"I said, 'sauce smothered with meat.'"

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"

84. When you're given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Insist that you must "speak with the big cheese." If the order taker gives the phone to someone else act confused.

88. Order term life insurance.

89. When they say, "Will that be all?", snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"

90. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

91. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

92. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

93. Engage in some serious swapping.

94. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."

95. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "Ow!" when a bullet is fired.

96. If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you.

97. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

98. Order a steamed pizza.

99. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

100. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

101. If the order taker get's annoyed when you attempt any of the above, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."