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You and your child were
getting groceries and when you get to the car you find your child eating
a chocolate bar you hadn't paid for. What do you do?
Over the years I have heard many stories of how parents have handled
a similar situation. Some parents have went back in and paid for the
item; some parents have taken the child in and had him/her pay for the
item; some parents take the child home and discipline him/her there;
some parents have hauled their child down to the police station and had
them place the child in a cell.
THINK
FIRST -- ACT; DON'T REACT!
1 Everything you say and do is a lesson. Be sure
you are teaching the right lesson. Think about what you really want to
be teaching. This will change HOW you handle the situation. Here are
three lessons (for starters):
Lesson: we have to pay for things we get at a
store. Lesson: if you want something you have to save
up your money for it Lesson: stealing is wrong
2.Consider the situation -- the child's age; how often
has this happened; child's understanding of ownership etc.
a young child does not know what stealing
is. They know nothing except "I see; I want; it is
mine; I take". It is through experience and reminders
that they learn they can't just take things they want. "That
isn't yours. We need to pay for that before you take
it." (and then walk the child through the process. a child's impulse control is very limited.
(Actually, I think everyone continues to struggle with impulse
control at some level. Mine is dealing with ice
cream.) Our role as adults in a children's lives is to help
them build impulse control. Impulse control is being guided
when we have children stay by our sides when we go to the grocery
store, when we say they can have a cookie AFTER supper, when we
have them wait until we are finished talking before they ask their
question, and when we play board games and they have to wait their
turn. "I know you want that but you have to pay for it.
Do you have any money? What can you do to get the money?"
Help the child learn how to problem solve around it and guide the
"right and wrong" way to do it. knowing it is wrong doesn't mean it won't
happen. We as adults can know something is wrong yet we
still do it. Children are the same way. For the most
part, this refers back to the impulse control. We can help by
walking through the decision-making process. "What do
you want to do? What would the consequences of this be? How would
you feel after if you did it? What can you do instead? Sometimes
it is very hard to do the right thing." sometimes stealing occurs for other reasons.
Perhaps a child feels they are not getting enough attention or
love and getting caught stealing at least shows them adults care
enough to get angry. Perhaps a child feels he has no control
in his life and steals to show the world that they can't control
everything he does. Perhaps the child is one who needs excitement
in his life and the stealing creates the "rush" that
makes him feel alive. Our job is to find the voids in the
kids lives, see what is REALLY the issue and help them fill that
void in appropriate ways.
These are just a few thoughts on factors we need to
consider before we react to a "stealing" situation. We also
need to think about how the child will react to what we decide to
do. Think about the four year old who was dragged to the police
station and put in a cell. What is he feeling? How will this
affect his self-esteem, his respect/fear of the law? How will your
relationship with the child be affected? Is he learning
self-control because he believes in right/wrong or is he learning
self-control out of fear? (Personally, I want people not to steal
because it is wrong, not because of the fear of getting caught.
Because right/wrong is always there but the fear of getting caught may
not.)
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