ItHurtsP11

It Hurts (So Bad) - 11

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By the time Willow came out of the bathroom, she had just spent the past twenty minutes holding cold washcloths against her face to reduce the puffiness, the chicken had finished heating in the microwave and the macaroni was done. Once Dawn added some butter, a splash of milk and the powdered cheese, mixed it all up, dinner was ready. Looking over and seeing Buffy talking quietly, to the emptiness beside her bed, Dawn had a quiet conversation with Willow. Dawn made up a plate of chicken, macaroni with cheese, and a diet Coke, putting everything on a tray. Willow grabbed up a stack of text books and carried them over to the bed and set them down on the bed next to Buffy. When Buffy gave her a puzzled look of inquiry, Willow just shrugged her shoulders. When Dawn got to the bed she set the tray down half on Buffys lap and half on the stack of books. The books gave the tray stability and prevented it from slipping off of Buffys lap. Dawn and Willow then went back to the kitchen, fixed up plates for themselves and sitting down at the kitchen table started eating their dinner. Dawn would have liked to have eaten dinner with Buffy, especially after all the emotions that had already been shared that afternoon. But she figured that Buffy would really prefer to have the time alone with Spike. Looking over her shoulder at Buffy, seeing her eating, talking, smiling, laughing, Dawn was sure she had made the right decision.

When dinner was done, Dawn collected the tray and dirty dishes from Buffy and carried them back to the kitchen. While Willow washed up the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen, Dawn got out her school books and did her homework while sitting at the kitchen table. Dawn sat at the table in a way so that all she had to do is glance up to see how Buffy was doing. During the hour it took her to complete her homework, Dawn noticed two important things. One was the fact that Buffy seemed to be talking or listening happily the whole time. The other thing she noticed was that during the entire hour, Buffy never looked at or touched the bottle of whiskey that was sitting next to her on the nightstand.

With her homework done, Dawn went over to join Willow sitting on the couch. Willow was busy reading a text book. She was busily underlining lines of text with either red or green ink and highlighting others with a yellow highlighter. Willow had some kind of bizarre method of color coding her study notes, but it obviously worked for her, because the lowest grade that Dawn had ever seen Willow get was an A, instead of her usual A+.

Since Willow was busy, Dawn asked if she could use her computer to check her e-mail. Once she logged on she found that she had over a dozen e-mails waiting for her. Most of them were from friends at school and she answered them right away. One, that she ignored until last, was from Giles. The last e-mail that she had received from Giles was two months ago and she had deleted it without reading it. But receiving an e-mail from Giles at this time, after all that had happened during the past week, both peaked her curiosity and caused her concern. Glancing over at Willow, Dawn wondered if she had written to Giles and told him about Buffys injury, or more importantly, about Spike.

Dawn sat quietly for almost ten minutes staring at the header of the e-mail from Giles before she finally clicked on it to open the e-mail. Reading through it quickly it seemed to be innocent enough. Giles asked how she was doing, how was school, how was the weather. He told her that he was doing fine and that the work with the Council was keeping him busy. Everything in the e-mail was innocuous enough until she got to the last sentence. Giles had added an inquiry, almost as if it was an after thought, asking how Buffy was doing? Reading that sentence sent a chill down Dawns spine.

In the beginning, eight months previously, Giles had sent her e-mails weekly. Mostly they had been efforts to justify his behavior and his reasons for not informing Buffy, or Dawn, of the fact that Spike had returned to life, or unlife, after the closing of the Hellmouth. Dawn had responded to the early ones, mostly in anger, telling Giles he had betrayed Buffy and that he’d had no right to do what he did, no matter what kind of justification he might have thought he had to protect Buffy from making a mistake that would ruin her life, because it was Buffys life to live or ruin, not his. After two months Dawn had stopped responding all together and had eventually changed her e-mail address. When she had received an e-mail from him two months previously on her new e-mail account she had deleted it without even reading it. When a Christmas card had arrived just before Christmas, Dawn had thought of marking it ‘Mail Refused’ and sending it back, but because Willows name was on it along with her own she had just given it to Willow without comment and had refused to even look at it.

Dawn turned toward Willow and sat watching her. She kept wondering if Willow had contacted Giles and what she had told him. Feelings of mistrust and betrayal started to build up inside of her and the anger started to build. The silence in the room, except for Buffy having a quiet one sided conversation with Spike, was deafening.

When Willow finally noticed that Dawn wasn’t typing on the computer any longer she looked up from her books to see what Dawn was doing. When she saw the look on Dawns face she knew that something was very wrong, and that Dawn was angry, at her. Glancing over at the computer she could just make out that there was an open e-mail on the screen. Not knowing what the problem was, but resolving to face it before things got worse, Willow set her book aside and slipping off the couch knelt down on the floor next to Dawn. Glancing at the e-mail she could see that it was from Giles. Reading through it quickly she still couldn’t see what was wrong. Dawn hadn’t said a word to her since she knelt down next to her or while she read the e-mail, but Willow could see that Dawn was clenching her jaws together and that she was very angry.

Not knowing what else to do or say, Willow asked “Dawn, what’s wrong?”

Dawn still didn’t say anything, she just pointed at the last line of Giles e-mail.

Willow reread the last line of the e-mail and still not seeing what was wrong, asked again “What is it? What’s wrong?”

Dawn growled out a response to Willow. She knew she was angry and she knew she sounded harsh. She also knew that she didn’t have any proof that Willow had done anything wrong. But still, the sudden e-mail from Giles asking how Buffy was doing had her upset and on edge. “Did you contact Giles? Did you tell him about Buffy? Did you tell him about Spike?” Dawns last question was almost like a challenge.

Willow knew that she couldn’t say anything to Dawn to make her believe she hadn’t done anything wrong, she had to show her. Willow quickly logged Dawn off of the computer and logged herself in. She then logged into her e-mail program and showed Dawn a list of her e-mail folders. She then opened the folder labeled ‘Giles’. She scrolled down the e-mails until she got to the last four. Pointing to the one fourth from the bottom she pointed out the date. “That was the last e-mail Giles sent me before Buffy got hurt. It’s dated five days before she was hurt. The e-mail after it is dated the next day and it’s my response. The second from the bottom was sent late Saturday evening, London time, from Giles home e-mail address. The last e-mail is my response. If you check the date and time you’ll see that I didn’t respond until early Sunday afternoon, our time. I was with you and Buffy all day Saturday and didn’t touch my computer that whole day.

Willow then backed up her cursor and clicked on the e-mail that Giles had sent to her on the past Saturday and opened it up to be read. “Dawn, you’ve known all along that I have kept in touch with Giles and with Xander. Every e-mail that Giles has sent to me is listed and every response is right below it. You can read them all if you want, you can read Xander’s too. I’ve even got two from Angel that you can read if you want too. I don’t have anything to hide from you Dawn. If you read through the ones we wrote to each other over the summer, mostly what you’ll read is the two of us beating our breasts and agreeing with each other that we only did what we did because we wanted to protect Buffy so that she could be happy.”

When Dawn made a snorting noise of obvious disagreement, Willow continued. “I know you think we were both wrong Dawn, but these e-mails were just the two of us trying to justify to each other what we had done. That doesn’t mean we were right to do it, it just means that we thought we were right. After you changed your e-mail address and changed your phone service so that you couldn’t receive any overseas phone calls, Giles got a little belligerent about you refusing to have any contact with him, especially since he was paying for everything. I know you remember our conversation about that topic. If you read my response to Giles you’ll see that I wrote him exactly what you said, that if he wanted to cut off the money to support you and Buffy that he could damned well go ahead and do it, because you would beg in the streets before you would beg him for a dime. Giles has never mentioned money for you or Buffy again.”

Willow knew that Dawn was listening to what she was saying, even though she continued to look angrily at the computer screen. “After I came to see Buffy at the end of the summer and saw how bad of shape she was in, I wrote Giles all about it and about the agreement that Buffy and I had made. The one about her eating or being sent to a hospital and me staying away from her. If you read any of the e-mails after that time you’ll see that Giles has voiced nothing but concern about both you and Buffy. Dawn, I know your angry with Giles, but I also know that you know he loves you. Both you and Buffy.”

Hearing that Giles loved both her and Buffy just seemed to piss her off even more. Dawn nearly jumped up from where she was sitting on the floor and stormed into the kitchen. Jerking open the refrigerator door hard enough to make the bottles of condiments on the door rattle, Dawn stared inside of it for a good five minutes. When she finally peeked out from behind the door she could see that Willow was still kneeling on the floor in front of her computer, waiting for Dawn to return. Dawn reached inside and grabbed a can of diet Coke for herself and a can of diet caffeine free Coke for Willow, because caffeine and Willow didn’t mix to well, except early in the morning to wake her up and get her moving.

When Dawn came back and sat down where she had been sitting before, she set the can of soda for Willow down in front of her. Opening her own can she took a sip, then sat staring at the can in her hand for over a minute before speaking in a very quiet and controlled tone of voice. “You don’t get it do you Will, what Giles did to Buffy? You were all in it together, but you know and I know and Buffy knows that it was Giles that was behind it all, keeping it secret that Spike was back. The rest of you might have wanted to keep it a secret, but it was Giles that made it happen.” Glancing over at Willows face, Dawn could see the pain and regret in her eyes, but she could also see the recognition of the truth of her statement.

Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, then taking a sip of soda, staring at the can in her hand, taking another deep breath and letting it out. “See, for me, it’s not so important. Not being a real girl, and all that, I guess it doesn’t really matter. All my thoughts and feelings and memories about Giles and the rest of you, they don‘t count, they were just put into my head by a bunch of dumb old monks. In the real world I’ve only been alive for a little less than four years. But Buffy, her thoughts and feelings and memories about all you guys were real.” Dawn took another small sip of soda, then continued. “You know, I’ve never met my Dad, Hank Summers, I mean. Sure I have memories of him, but their fake memories. I’ve never actually met him though. But Buffy, she remembers him. She remembers him leaving her and Mom and how much it hurt her. She remembers loving Angel and having to send him to hell, then coming back and leaving her. She remembers Riley, and him leaving her too. She remembers the pain of loosing Mom, how much it hurt. She remembers dying and going to heaven, and being ripped out. She remembers Giles leaving her when she was just barely holding on to her life and sanity, because he wanted her to grow up and learn to make her own decisions. She remembers needing Spike when she was fighting the First and Giles plotting to murder him because he didn’t like her decision not to send Spike away. She remembers all of us kicking her out of her own home while the First was trying to destroy us, because we said we couldn’t trust her because she trusted Spike. She also remembers that Spike died to save her, and us, and the world. You have no idea how much that hurt her, Will, no idea at all. But, do you know what hurt her worse? Worse than all those other things put together. Spike coming back and all of you betraying her trust, lying to her, because you all just wanted her to be happy. That’s what hurt the most, Giles, and the rest of you, ripping her heart out because you just wanted her to ‘Be Happy’.”

Another tear ran down Dawns face and with the back of her hand she wiped it away. Looking up and over at Buffy in her bed, she watched for a few moments. Nodding her head toward the bed, she continued again. “See that, see Buffy over there, talking to ghost Spike or spirit Spike or whatever he is Spike? Do you see her, ‘being happy‘? If she had known that Spike was back, even when he was still a ghost, she would have gone to him, she wouldn’t have cared. Okay, not true, she would have cared if he was a ghost, but it wouldn’t have mattered, she would have still gone to him and been with him, and she would have been happy. When he became solid again, she would have been there, and she would have been happy. If he’d still gone into that alley with Angel, she would have gone with him, maybe she would have saved him or maybe she would have died with him, but she would have been happy. Do you get it Will, she would have been happy, with Spike. But Giles took that away from her. Giles and Angel, and the rest of you.”

A steady stream of tears started to flow down Dawns cheeks. She didn’t sob or make any other sounds, but the tears kept flowing. Willow felt her own tears in her eyes but wiped them away quickly. The one thing she didn’t need to do right now was to start another crying fest like she’d had that afternoon. Hearing Dawn say that she wasn’t a real girl and that she didn’t really matter had been a stab to her heart. She had never known that Dawn felt that way about herself or that she thought that the only reason anyone cared about her at all was because some monks had put those thoughts in their heads, and that they weren’t really true. Willow loved Dawn and she knew in her heart that those feelings were real and true. Reaching out she pulled Dawn into her arms and held her while she shed her silent tears.

When Dawn pulled back from Willow the tears had stopped and she quickly wiped the tear tracks from her face with her hands. Willow reached out and took both of Dawns hands in hers. “What you said earlier” Willow said, “about taking Buffys chance for happiness away from her? You were right, we did. I didn’t understand that’s what we were doing, but that’s not a good enough excuse anymore. We took Buffys choices away from her by not telling her the truth, and by doing that we betrayed her trust in us. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the kind of friend that Buffy deserves. I know you don’t totally trust me Dawn, and I understand that, I really do. Trust is something a person earns and I pretty much used up all my credit with you and with Buffy. But I want you to trust me Dawn. I want to earn your trust again.” Letting go of Dawns hands Willow turned back to her computer bringing up the e-mails from Giles again. “I’d like you to read these e-mails, the last two anyway. I think the one from Giles will give you some ideas about how he feels and what he was thinking just a few days ago. Then when you read the one I sent to him you’ll see that I didn’t break your trust or Buffys either.”

When Willow got up from the floor and sat back down on the couch, picking up her text book and going back to her studies, Dawn watched her for a minute trying to decide what to do. With some trepidation, she clicked on the e-mail from Giles to Willow and started to read it. The beginning of the e-mail was a note of concern, Giles mentioned that he had tried to phone her the previous two nights and there was no answer. He inquired if everything was alright. He then went on to admit that he was feeling a bit maudlin that evening, sitting at home alone, having one drink to many no doubt. He told Willow a few things that had been going on with the Council the past week that he thought she might be interested in knowing. He added a ‘Hello’ from one of the witch’s from the coven who he had spoken to recently. But it was the last paragraph that shocked Dawn the most. Giles had written, “I find myself praying at night for a forgiveness that I truly know I do not deserve. But, without the prayer, without the hope of forgiveness, I believe the desolation of my life would overwhelm me. Do you think that it is possible that one day they will forgive me?” The e-mail ended on that note.

Dawn next read the e-mail that Willow had sent to Giles in response. Willow had told Giles that her phone service was apparently having problems with their satellites which was interfering with overseas calls. She told him that she was sorry that he was not feeling very chipper, but advised him that drinking alone wasn’t the answer. She responded to a couple of the things he had mentioned about the Council and returned the ‘Hello’ to the witch from the cove. Her response to his last paragraph was similar to his. Willow had written, “Like you, I pray each day that somehow, someway, that I will be able to earn both Buffys and Dawns forgiveness. Whether or not this is even possible, I don’t know. But I do know that I will keep trying and keep praying in the hope that someday I will earn their trust and friendship again.”

Sitting there thinking about both Giles and Willows e-mails fanned a small spark within Dawns heart that she wasn’t yet ready to acknowledge. Quickly she read through both e-mails again. In nether message was there any sign of subterfuge or deceit, well, except for Willow claiming problems with her phone. Dawn knew that the only problem with Willows phone for the past week was that she had turned it off that first morning and not turned it back on yet. The last paragraphs in both messages bothered her at a deeper level. Because Willow had told her she was free to do so, Dawn started clicking on messages from both Giles and Willow. She stayed away from the summer months as Willow had advised, not wanting to become angry over things that had been written months in the past. For the next two hours Dawn read through the e-mails and spent time thinking about what she had been reading. Two things became readily apparent. Both Giles and Willow had repeatedly vouched their remorse over what they had done to Buffy and their abiding sorrow over the loss of her friendship and regard. The second most apparent consideration was that neither one of them seemed to fully grasp ‘why’ what they did hurt Buffy so badly.

Thinking this over, Dawn had to admit that Willow had really been trying the past week. Except for her screw-up that afternoon, which even Dawn had to admit was more a case of misunderstanding and emotional overload than an attempt to hurt Buffy. But still, she had been trying. Ever since Dawn had made her write on the wall last week, Willows behavior, attitude and understanding had seemed to undergo a significant change. For the first time Willow seemed to actually understand ‘why’ loosing Spike had hurt Buffy so much. But more importantly she seemed to be understanding ‘why’ keeping Spikes return a secret had been such a monumental betrayal of Buffys love and friendship.

After Spikes death at the Hellmouth, Buffy had told them about their last minutes together. She’d told them all that as Spike was dying she had finally admitted to him that she loved him, and that he hadn’t believed her. They had all seen how devastated Buffy had been by his death. Buffy had told repeatedly, to anyone who would listen, how much it hurt her that Spike had died believing that she didn’t love him and that her last words to him were a lie.

None of them had ever understood how much Buffy regretted not having told Spike the truth about her feelings for him before it was to late, to late for him to believe her. None of them had ever understood that the only reason Buffy had stopped talking to them about Spike was because ‘she’ understood that they didn’t want to talk about Spike. None of them had ever understood that each time one of them had told her it was time for her to ‘move on’ with her life, to ‘be happy‘, it was like a knife stab to her heart. Because what they were really saying to her was that she should put Spike into the past and ‘forget’ about him. None of them had ever understood that all of Buffys ‘smiley faces’ and ‘moving on’ with her life was just Buffy pretending, to make them happy.

So, in a sad sad way, it was no wonder that none of them ever understood that hiding the knowledge that Spike had returned, as a ghost or a real person. Depriving Buffy of the opportunity to see him again, to tell him that she had meant it when she told him she loved him. That he had died again, still thinking that Buffy didn’t love him. They never understood how much that hurt her. No wonder they never understood that by doing this they had betrayed Buffys love for them at such a deep level that it had broken her. Broken her in such a way that the only love she had left in her was the love she continued to feel for Spike.

Thinking about this, about what she had forced Willow to do and how that had seemed to open her mind and heart to the truth of what they had done to Buffy, made Dawn wonder if she should give Giles the same chance. Before she let herself over think the situation or talk herself out of it, Dawn closed out Willows e-mail and reopened her own. She pulled up the e-mail she had received from Giles and clicked on the ‘respond’ button. After deleting everything that Giles had written, except for the opening, “My Dearest Dawn”, She added a couple of blank lines and started typing:

Giles,

This is a test. You take the test and pass the test, ‘maybe’ we can talk.

You don’t take the test or don’t pass the test, we’ve got ‘nothing’ to say to each other.

First rule: I’m sending you something I want you to type out a thousand times.

Second rule: Each time you type it out I want you to say the words out-loud as you type them.

If you don’t do this the way I’ve asked you to do this, believe me “I’ll Know”!!!

This is what I want you to type:

Buffy loves Spike! Buffy will always love Spike! Buffy will love Spike until the end of the world!

D.

When Dawn finished her message she hesitated before sending it. She looked over at Willow for a few moments before speaking. “Willow, come look at this.”

When Willow set down her book and moved to kneel on the floor next to her, Dawn pointed out the message for her to read. “Do you think he’ll do it?”

Willow read the message then smiled at Dawn and told her “He’ll do it. But can I add something at the bottom?”

When Dawn nodded her head, Willow turned the laptop in her direction and started typing.

P.S. I’m up to 2600, and I have to do it on a wall, with a pencil.

W.

When Dawn saw what Willow had added she nodded her head in satisfaction , then clicked on the ‘Send’ button. She then looked at her watch and realized it was the nearly 6AM in London. She wondered if Giles checked his e-mail before he left his home for the Council offices or if he checked them at night after getting home. Either way, all she could do is wait to see what happens next.

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(09/05)