ItHurtsP15

It Hurts (So Bad) -15

*****
When Buffy told Dawn that Spike still loved her she started crying even harder, but now instead of tears of pain, they had turned to tears of joy. Lifting her head from Buffys shoulder Dawn glanced in the direction that Spike was suppose to be. Her eyes were still full of tears and it was like looking through a haze, but Dawn thought that she could see Spike, smiling at her. When she hurriedly wiped the tears away to see better, Spike was gone again. Letting out a sigh of frustration Dawn sat up straight and pulled back from Buffy a little. Searching around with her eyes she spotted the box of tissues that Willow had placed on the end table. Reaching around Buffy she snatched a couple from the box. Handing one of the tissues to Buffy, Dawn used the other one to blow her nose and then wipe the last of her tears from her eyes.

Looking up at Buffy she noticed that Buffy was holding the tissue in her hand, but hadn’t used it yet. Buffy was sort of frowning at the tissue, but when she looked up at Dawn her frown turned into a grin. “You know this is stupid” Buffy exclaimed in a mildly frustrated voice, “but it’s really hard to blow your nose with only one hand when you’ve always used two before.”

Dawn let out a little laugh and grinned back at Buffy. “You know, I was going to do it later anyway, but maybe now would be a good time to unstrap your arm and see how your doing.”

Buffy was more than willing to have herself unstrapped and have her freedom of movement back again. She hadn’t really felt any pain in her collar bone or shoulder for a couple of days. Patiently she waited while Dawn unbuttoned her shirt and helped her take it off. Dawn then started unwrapping all the elastic bandages that she and Willow had used to bind Buffy up. When the last bandage was off, Dawn untied the sling that was still supporting her arm in place. Buffy stood up and slowly started to move her arm around a little at a time and to carefully move her shoulder around. There was only a little pain when she tried to raise her arm up over her head, but Dawn saw her wince and stopped her from moving around anymore. Reluctantly Buffy agreed to keep her arm in the sling for a couple more days, and Dawn almost as reluctantly agreed that she didn’t need to bind Buffy up again.

It was also agreed that after a week Buffy needed to take a shower. Dawn insisted that she would come into the shower with Buffy and wash her hair and back so that she wouldn’t have to over reach herself. For Buffy, with the shirt, bandages and sling off, the only thing she had left on was her panties. Dawn started undressing, but only stripped down to her panties and bra. When Buffy asked her what she was doing, Dawn staunchly declared that she knew Spike was around someplace and there was no way she was getting naked in front of him. Buffy thought this was hilariously funny for some reason and couldn’t stop laughing about it until Dawn made sure that she got soap into her mouth while washing her hair. Buffy threatened vengeance, but they both laughed.

Once Buffy was all cleaned up, Dawn helped her dry off and then had her sit in a chair while she dried her hair, then combed it out. Dawn had nearly gotten as wet as Buffy during the whole shower thing, so once she had dried Buffy off, Dawn went to the bag with her cloths in it and got out a dry bra and panties. As she started to walk into the bathroom to put them on Buffy started laughing again. When Dawn asked her why she was laughing, Buffy reminded her that since she couldn’t see Spike how would she know that he wasn’t in the bathroom with her watching her change. Dawn didn’t even hesitate with her answer. She told Buffy that Spike would never do something so rude to her.

When Dawn was dressed again she got Buffy back into a pair of panties and another button up shirt. She then tied the sling around her neck and made sure it was adjusted right for her. She then stripped and remade the bed and helped Buffy get back into it. The truth of the matter was that Buffy didn’t really need all the help that Dawn was giving to her now, but she realized that Dawn wanted, needed, to help her, so she let her.

When Buffy was settled in bed with Dawn sitting up tight against her hip, they started a strange three-way conversation between Buffy, Spike and Dawn. Dawn would speak directly to Spike, but Buffy had to tell her his answers. Dawn also listened to Buffy speaking to Spike and then listened to Buffy tell her what Spike had said to her. Over the period of an hour or so, with numerous pauses for tears. Spike had explained that wherever he was time seemed to move differently. That when he had first arrived he had been in a lot of emotional turmoil and that it had taken him a long time, he didn’t know how much, for him to finally find enough inner peace to start thinking clearly. It was the visit from his mothers spirit, in heaven, that had finally brought him some peace.

He’d explained that although he was finding this peace within himself, the one thing he wasn’t able to do was to release his longing to be with Buffy. To see her one more time, to be with her, to touch her again. Spike had explained that it was his love for Buffy that had prevented him from going on to heaven. Because for Spike there was no heaven without Buffy. That was when he started getting visits from Tara and their Mom, plus the spirits of others that had helped him. He admitted that at first the spirits had tried to calm him and convince him that he needed to let himself ‘be happy’ and to ‘move on’ to heaven. But the thought of ‘moving on’ without Buffy made the idea of ‘being happy’ painful to his soul.

He told them that it was during this time, which seemed like years to him, that his need to be with Buffy allowed him to first breach the barrier where he was and see Buffy. That seeing her in pain, and what she was going through, just made his need to be with her grow stronger. That he had been trying for the longest time to reach her, to find a way to soothe her pain and torment. That eventually he had been able to break through, but only when Buffy was drunk and her need for him matched his own for her. How he had been coming to her as a voiceless vision, until she was injured. How it was both Buffys physical pain and her emotional need for him that had finally made it possible for him to come through the barrier, for a short period of time, and for her to hear him when he spoke to her. How it was Buffy saying that she ‘loved him’ and ‘needed him’ that had strengthened the tie between them and had made it possible for him to come to her and be with her for longer periods of time.

Spike explained that it was then that Tara came to him again and told him that there might be a way for him to come back into the living world and to be with Buffy again. She had also told him that it would require a white witch or sorcerer at least as powerful as Willow to cast the spell, and that it would require the efforts of a number of people who truly wanted Spike to return. Spike told them that Tara had promised to reveal the spell to him when the time was right, but it would be up to those who loved him to find enough people that knew Spike, and wanted his return, to make the spell work.

It was at this point that the apartment door opened and Willow entered. Seeing Willow, it was easy for both Dawn and Buffy to notice that she had a sort of sad/happy, wistful, smile on her face. Noticing that both Buffy and Dawn were looking at her with questions clearly on the tips of their tongues, Willow walked over to the bed to be near them. Without waiting for them to say anything, Willow spoke first. “I believe in Spike. I believe in his love for Buffy and I believe in her love for him.” A look of sorrow slipped down over her face as she continued. “I’m sorry, Buffy. I know that that isn’t enough, but I truly am sorry. I know you don’t trust me anymore, and that we might never be friends again, but if there is anyway that I can prove to you how sorry I am I’m more than willing to try. Please believe me, I know that what I did was wrong, but I never intended to hurt you. I love you, Buffy, I always will.”

By the time Willow stopped speaking tears were in her eyes. Dawn got up off the bed and wrapped her arms around Willow in a hug to sooth her. When Willow finally lifted her face from where she had been crying into Dawn shoulder and looked over at Buffy, as if looking for judgment, she could see that Buffy had a few tears in her own eyes, but she was also smiling. Stepping back from Dawn, Willow reached up and wiped the last of her tears away with her fingers, then returned Buffys smile tentatively. Then of it’s own the smile got bigger and spread across her face and shown out from her eyes. “Oh, and I have a date, tomorrow, for coffee!”

Dawn couldn’t control herself and started giggling. Spike apparently said something to Buffy and she started laughing and tried to stop herself by covering her mouth with her hand. Willow blushed a nice shade of pink, but the smile stayed on her lips. Then both Buffy and Dawn congratulated her and Dawn gave her a hug while Buffy smiled at her.

Not wanting to let an opportunity slip by, Dawn immediately asked Willow if she had meant what she said about being willing to do anything to prove how sorry she was for her part in hurting both Buffy and Spike. When Willow looked Buffy directly in the eyes and said she had meant it, both Buffy and Dawn looked at each other and nodded their heads to each other. For the next half hour Dawn and Buffy recapped everything that Spike had told them. Which brought them all in the end to looking at each other as they tried to come up with names of people who knew Spike and might be willing to help bring him back to this reality.

Willow was the first to suggest Giles. Buffy had doubts, but Willow assured her that Giles would do anything for Buffy, if it would make her happy, if it might earn her forgiveness. Dawn was a little more hesitant, but she agreed that Willow might be right about Giles. She told Willow not to say anything to Giles just yet, because she wanted to check out his change of attitude for herself, but if he had changed then it would be good to have his help.

Dawn was the one who suggested Andrew. She told Buffy, and Spike, that she was certain that Andrew would want to help bring Spike back to this world. Spike agreed, through Buffy, that he thought that Andrew had never intended to bring harm to Buffy or him and would be willing to help.

Willow next suggested Faith. Seeing the frown that crossed Buffys face, Willow said that she was as certain of Faith’s willingness to help as Dawn was of Andrews. She admitted that she wasn’t certain of Robin being as willing to help. With the history between him and Spike he might not want to help. But Faith would do it, even if she had to go against Robin’s wishes, because she felt she owed it to both Buffy and to Spike.

Speaking of Faith brought up the idea of seeking help from some of the other slayers; Vi, Rona, Ruth, maybe a few of the others that Spike had worked closely with when he was helping to train the Potentials. No one, not even Willow, suggested the possibility of Kennedy. Her dislike of all things Spike, even after he’d saved her life and the world, was known to all of them.

Which brought them to the last two names that all of them could think of, but were reluctant to mention, Xander and Angel. When Dawn threw out their names after a long uncomfortable silence, Buffy just shook her head in the negative. Buffy stated forcefully that Xander hated Spike and would never want to help, and that Angel hated Spike even more and was the reason Spike was dead in the first place. Willow and Dawn didn’t say anything at first, partly because they couldn’t refute what Buffy had said, and partly because they could see that Buffy was listening to Spike as he spoke to her. Buffy kept shaking her head as she listened to Spike, but eventually he must have said something to make her hesitate.

Looking over at both Dawn and Willow, Buffy pulled her anger back and let out a long sigh. “Spike said that he agrees with me about Xander. That unless ‘the bloody whelp’ has undergone a world shaking change of heart and mind, he’d never help out.” By the look on Buffys face Dawn and Willow could see the reluctance on her face to continue, but she did it anyway. “Spike says that I might be wrong about Angel though. He says that he and Angel had moved on to an understanding between them, shortly before the final fight. He says that he and Angel would probably never be ‘best friends’, but with Angel being ‘family’ of a sort, having his help might be important to getting him back.”

Dawn, and then Willow, both promised that they wouldn’t contact Xander or tell him anything about the situation with Spike or his need for help. Willow told Buffy that since Xander had gone back to Africa she only heard from him occasionally by email. That he never brought up the topic’s of Buffy or Spike, and only wrote to her about his travels and the slayers he was sent out to find for the Council, and that Buffy or Dawn could read his emails to her to verify she was telling them the truth. Buffy told Willow that she believed her, but she didn’t want Xander to know anything because he might decide to work against their efforts to bring Spike back in some way.

Dawn next promised that they wouldn’t tell Angel anything either, at least until after Dawn had a chance to check him out and find out where his head was at regarding his feelings toward Spike. Buffy barked out a sharp short laugh after that, then told them that Spike had just said that “Angel probably still had ‘his head up his arse’, but that still didn’t mean he wouldn’t help out.”

Willow volunteered to call Faith and feel her out to see what her attitude was concerning Spike and to see what Faith would say about Robin’s attitude. If things went well on that front she would then start contacting some of the other slayers next. Dawn insisted that she be the one to contact Giles and Andrew. She wanted to be the one to talk to Andrew because she felt that he would be open with her and tell her the truth. She wanted to be the one to work things out with Giles because of her initial work with him and the test she gave him. She told them all about the fifteen pages of text she’d worked on all morning regarding what Giles and the others had done to Buffy. She had definite plans to send a copy to Giles and see how he reacted to it. If he reacted in the way she hoped he would, she would then call him and talk to him directly.

Speaking of her test and the document that she had typed up, Dawn went over to Willows computer and hooked up the small travel printer that Willow had in her computer case, checked that there was enough paper, and started printing out two copies of the document for Buffy and Willow to read. While the document was printing out she reopened her email program. Checking her watch and seeing it was almost 6 PM her time, she realized that it was over five hours since the last time she checked for messages from Giles. Going through the email, checking for the time stamp on each of them, she found that the last message containing the ‘Buffy loves Spike’ message had been sent at 00:34 AM, London time. Calculating the time that Giles had spent on the test, from approximately 7:30 AM to 12:30 AM, that was seventeen hours. There was one other email in her queue from Giles that she needed to open. The time stamp on it was 01:04 AM, London time.

*

My Dearest Dawn,

As you can see I have completed the test you have assigned to me. I feel that I must tell you that in the beginning of your test I could not understand what it was going to accomplish for me to type out a thousand times that “Buffy loves Spike”. But seeing that this might be my only chance to mend my relationship with you, and hopefully with Buffy at some point in time, I started on the task immediately. As you can see, the task took much longer than I ever anticipated that it might. But then again, on reflection, I feel that the amount of time that it took to take your test might very well have been what you meant in your original message when you said “I’ll know” if I did not take the test the way you required of me. Now, the test is completed, the final batch has already been sent to you. I await your decision as to whether, or not, I have passed.

Please, allow me to add, although I “do not know” what the test I have taken was intended to show or prove, I can tell you of the effect it has had on me.

The first two hundred repetitions of the message seemed to bring to the surface a level of irritation I was unprepared for and had me thinking that this test of yours was superfluous and a waste of time. But, because I wanted to do what you asked of me, I continued on with the task. By near noon I had completed half of the task and was in such a turmoil of agitation that I was unconscionably rude to my secretary and found myself in the position of needing to apologize to her for my behavior.

The next half of the test; through three pots of tea, a half bottle of scotch, and a full pack of cigarettes that I briefly slipped out to a local kiosk to purchase, took twelve more hours to complete. I will tell you now that a goodly portion of that time was spent searching my conscience, cursing myself for being a fool, and literally crying over decisions made in the past that are regrettably unchangeable.

I feel that at this moment that I must say “I’m sorry”, to Buffy without doubt, but even more so to Spike. Over my life I have been in several relationships, but only once can I truly say that “I was in love”. That love was taken from me by Angelus and the pain I felt due to that loss made me feel at that time that I would surely die. When Angel returned from the hell dimension she sent him to, Buffy insisted that I not blame Angel for the actions of Angelus. I promised, I tried, but deep down in my heart I was never able to do so with any lasting success. I believe, I am certain, that it was my anger and distrust of Angel that carried over to Spike. I never once gave him a benefit of doubt, I prejudged him and always found him guilty. For this alone “I am truly sorry“.

When Buffy “died” the pain of her loss was overwhelming. Through out that summer my grief over her loss grew greater with every passing day. I was a witness to the grief of the rest of you, You, Willow and Tara, Xander and Anya, but the one who’s grief that I refused to see, or accept, was Spikes. For that I shall ever be ashamed. I believe now that the reason that I could not except his grief was that to except his grief I would have to also except that Spike had truly loved Buffy. That he had loved Buffy just as much and just as completely as I had loved my own true love, as much as I had love Buffy myself.

I also believe that this is why I could not, would not, allow myself to believe that the grief that Buffy suffered after Spikes demise at the Hellmouth was anything more than ‘survivors guilt’. I could not, would not, let myself believe that what Buffy was going through was ‘true grief’, because to do so I would also have had to admit to myself that Buffy had also felt ‘true love’ for Spike. When I learned of Spikes resurrection, and that he had joined forces with Angel at Wolfram & Hart, it was easy enough for me to convince myself that I needed to ‘protect’ Buffy from this knowledge.

Dawn, please understand that I am no longer trying to excuse my behavior, to you or to Buffy, I am only telling you what I am thinking and feeling at this moment in time. I wrote to Willow not long ago that “every night I pray that someday both you and Buffy will forgive me”. I believe that I shall now be adding Spikes name to my prayers, asking that he might also “forgive me”.

I will end now, please forgive my rambling disclosures. I will await your decision regarding your test. Please believe that whether or not I have passed your test, I have learned something from the process.

Most Sincerely, and with Love

Giles.

*

Dawn read through Giles letter three times before she responded. Opening a new email window, she typed out a response.

*

Giles,

I’ve read your letter, three times. Forgiveness is ‘yet’ a hard thing to do, but ‘understanding’ is something I’m trying to do.

I am attaching a text document to this letter that is quite long. I would like for you to print it out and read it carefully.

Please, do not email or try to call me about the document. Read it, think about it. I will call you Saturday morning, my time, and we will discuss it then.

Dawn

P.S. - This may surprise you, but when it comes to “forgiveness”, Spike would probably be the first one to give it to you.

P.P.S - I may not always “like” you, but I will always “love” you.

*

Dawn thought about her ‘post scripts’ for a few moments and decided that she was satisfied with what she’d written. She then attached her text document to the email to Giles and sent it on it’s way. The printer had finished printing out her text document by then so she printed out Giles email to her and her response back to him. Collecting all the sheets of paper together she got up from where she’d been sitting on the floor and carried them over to Buffys bed.

While Dawn had been printing out her document, reading Giles email and responding to it, Willow had been talking to Buffy and Spike about the test that Dawn had been giving to both her and Giles. Dawn had mentioned her subliminal message test to Buffy earlier, but Buffy hadn’t really understood it. Willow had been telling Buffy more about it, at least telling what she understood about it herself. She had also admitted that it hadn’t been until this very morning that she had finally understood how the test had been working on her at a subconscious level for the past week. She had just finished apologizing to Buffy and Spike, again, when Dawn rejoined them.

Standing at the foot of the bed Dawn sorted the copies out into two piles. Gathering one up in each hand she offered one to Willow. Speaking in a calm and business like manner, Dawn told Willow, “I want you to read this and think about what I’ve written. You might not like what I have to say, but it’s how I feel, and for the most part I think it’s how Buffy feels too. After your finished, when your ready, we can talk about it.” Willow accepted the papers from Dawn and not making any comment carried them over to the couch, sat down and started reading.

Dawn then held out the other stack of papers to Buffy. With an almost hesitant look on her face she started talking. “I know that this is kind of long, but I really think you should read it. Like I told Will, it’s how I feel, and I think that you might agree with most of it. If you don’t agree, let me know, talk to me about it, because it’s important, to both of us. You might want to read the email from Giles first, and what I wrote back to him, before you read the things that I wrote. While your doing that, I’m going to start things moving and send a message to Andrew.” Dawn waited for Buffy to accept the papers from her and turning away quickly walked over to the computer and sat down on the floor in front of it.

Dawn spent a few minutes time avoiding looking at either Willow or Buffy by searching her email program for Andrews email address. Finding it, she opened a new email window, then paused as she tried to think of what she wanted to say to Andrew.

Looking up she watched Willow reading what she had written for a couple of minutes. Willow was unaware of Dawn watching her because she was giving the document her full attention. She was reading, underlining some sentences with either red or green ink pens, highlighting other parts, and writing notes in the margins. She was giving Dawns missive the same attention she would give to a text book or study notes, the same attention she would give if she was studying for an important test. Which in some ways was true.

Looking over at Buffy, Dawn could see that she had turned sideways in her bed, sitting lotus fashion, and was holding the pages she was reading in a way so that Spike could read over her shoulder. Watching, Dawn could see and hear Buffy talking quietly to Spike, and by the tilt of her head, Dawn could tell that Buffy was listening to Spike as he responded. She could also tell by the look on Buffys face that she was giving serious thought to what she was reading.

Seeing that both Willow and Buffy were taking what she’d written seriously made Dawn feel a lot better. She’d spent several hours that morning writing it, but she’d spent months thinking about what she’d written.

Turning back to the computer, Dawn started writing to Andrew.

*
Hey, Nerd Boy.

I think it’s time for us to have a serious talk. …

*****
(06/08/06)