ItHurtsP2

It Hurts (So Bad) - 2

***
When she’d found out where Spike had been living she’d gone there immediately hoping to find something personal of his to keep. But all she found was a pair of worn black jeans, a couple of wrinkled shirts and several black t-shirts, nothing else. The duster wasn’t there, he’d probably been wearing it at the battle. There had been some kind of video game player hooked up to the small TV, she’d never turned it on to see what it was. But she had held the controller in her hands for hours and hours, knowing that he had held it in his hands.

There had been one bag of blood in the small refrigerator and a half empty bottle of whiskey in a cabinet. Nothing else, nothing that really showed that Spike had lived there, that this had been his place. *his home* She’d wandered around the small basement apartment, looking for something. *anything* Finally, she’d pulled back the blanket on the bed and climbed into it, pulling the blanket up over herself. She’d turned her back to Dawn, and Xander who had driven them to the apartment, and refused to say anything to either of them. She’d stayed in the bed for two days before she got out of it, surrounding herself in the trace scent of Spike.

Dawn had stayed with her the first two days, sleeping on the couch, trying to talk to her, trying to get her to talk. Xander had left after a few hours the first day. She’d heard them talking to her and each other that first day while she laid there in Spikes bed, but had refused to respond to either of them. She had heard Xander bitching and complaining to Dawn in a whisper about the way she was carrying on over Spike. Dawn had kept telling him to shut-up or leave, finally he did, saying he would be back the next day. It had occurred to her then to wonder why she had ever cared about him or his opinion of her.

When he came back the next day he brought Willow with him. Willow had tried to talk to her also and had sat on the bed to try to touch her and sooth her. She had turned to Willow with such hatred in her eyes that Willow had run from the apartment crying. Xander had become very upset and left to take Willow back to the hotel where they were staying and to sooth her down. She hadn’t cared that Xander got upset or that Willow had cried. She hadn’t cared, she didn’t care about anything anymore.

It had been the dreams that finally drove her from the bed in the middle of the night. She got as far as the whiskey bottle, which she had drained in just a few minutes, then climbed back into the bed to pass out. Dawn had been sleeping on the couch and had never even known she’d been up. When she woke up again she found herself alone, Dawn had left a note saying she had gone to get something to eat and would be back in a few minutes. She found her way out of the building and walked down the street to a liquor store where she bought two bottles of whiskey and her first pack of cigarettes.

When Dawn got back from dinner, with Xander, they found her drinking from a whiskey bottle and choking on a burning cigarette. When they tried to take the whiskey and the cigarettes from her she got angry and yelled at both of them, telling them to get out, that she didn’t want or need either of them around. Dawn had started crying and Xander had gotten upset again. She didn’t care, she didn’t care about anything anymore.

Dawn had come back every day to spend time with her. She brought food every day, sandwiches, pizzas and other things she thought Buffy might eat. She also brought soap and shampoo, tooth paste and a brush, combs and brushes, moisturizer and makeup, wash cloths and towels, bras and panties, clean cloths. Everything and anything she could think of to get her out of bed and motivate her to take care of herself.

Every day more empty whiskey bottles had accumulated and the ashtray had long since overflowed. It was the realization that she could no longer smell the scent of Spike in the bed that finally drove her to take a shower and clean herself up. Her own grunginess had overwhelmed any trace of Spike that the bed had contained previously. She then started sleeping with his cloths, wrapped in a pillow case to protect them from her tears.

She’d started talking to Dawn, a little more each day, but wouldn’t say a word to anyone if Xander or Willow came into the apartment. Willow cried every time she came to the apartment and finally stopped coming after two weeks. She didn’t care that Willow stopped coming. She didn’t care about anything anymore.

It was right after that Angel had shown up to talk to her. Two days later a large box of personal items from Rome arrived with the letter from Andrew. Dawn was forced by circumstances to start attending summer school to straighten out her academic situation. Fortunately her advanced classes in Rome carried over and she was going to be in good shape to start her senior year in high school. That meant that for the most part she was left alone during the night and day. Dawn would come over after school in the afternoon, talk to her about her day and make sure she ate something, then leave in the evening.

Xander was picking Dawn up from school and bringing her to the apartment. Some days he would just drop her off and come back for her later in the evening. Occasionally he would come in when he was dropping Dawn off or come early when he was picking her up and would try to talk. She still didn’t talk to him, but she didn’t totally ignore him either, and she didn’t stop talking to Dawn just because he was in the room anymore.

That’s what finally led up to the explosion between them. Because she wasn’t going silent when he came into the room and wasn’t totally ignoring him anymore, some how he got it into his head that she was interested in what he had to say. He started explaining in a condescending way why he, Willow and Giles had not told her that Spike was alive. He explained that they were doing it for her own good and had only been trying to protect her from doing something foolish again. Dawn had sat there in horror listening to him shoot his mouth off.

When she had finally had enough she unloaded on him and ripped him open in no uncertain terms. When he snapped back and told her that he was “glad” Spike was dead and that “he was nothing but a monster” and that she was “better off now that he was dead”, she punched him in the jaw, dragged him across the floor and threw him out into the hallway. She had warned him then that if he ever came back again she would kill him.

Dawn had been furious with Xander but had been forced to leave with him. He was in no shape to drive and she needed to take him to a hospital to make sure he was alright. When they got to the hospital she took great pleasure telling the doctor in the ER that Xander had been punched by a little girl half his size for shooting his mouth off. The doctor had wired his jaw shut, gave him some pain pills and told him to see his regular doctor as soon as possible. The doctor hadn’t know what to make of the situation and didn’t really care what had happened or why, but he was quite certain that there was a lot more to the story than he had been told. He was also certain that if it was a little girl who had hit his patient she must have had martial arts training or something. Either that or the guy had a glass jaw.

Dawn wasn’t able to come see Buffy for several days. When she did come back she explained to Buffy that when she got back to the hotel with Xander she had told Willow what had happened and that Xander had to leave, she couldn’t stand to look at him anymore. Willow had excepted Dawn decision and had called Giles. Airline tickets were purchased and Xander flew back to London to work for the Counsel. Giles had also told Willow to find a nice apartment for her and Dawn to live in and to see about getting enrolled back in school. Dawn had spent the day before getting her drivers license and insurance. She was driving a car that Willow had leased for her and would now be able to come see Buffy every day without any problems.

Buffy had listened to what Dawn had to say and was relieved that Xander was gone. She was also glad that Dawn had her school situation under control and that with a car she had the independence to do whatever she wanted to do. It also reassured her that Dawn didn’t really need her anymore.

As the summer passed she drank more and more every day to drown out the dreams. Every day and every night, whenever she closed her eyes to sleep the dreams came and the pain of loss and her failure to save Spike woke her to tears and screams in the dark. She never left the apartment, except at night to go to the liquor store. She started smoking more and more, eating less and less. She lost almost twenty-five pounds and looked like one of those people she’d seen pictures of on TV, those people who died in some kind of camp during a war a long time ago. Her skin had become pail and pasty looking, her hair had become dirty, limp and drab. Every day when Dawn came over she begged Buffy to eat, and every day she drank more, smoked more, passed out more, and ate less.

When high school was ready to resume Willow made her first visit to see Buffy in two months. There were papers that needed to be signed and arrangements that needed to be agreed to before classes started. Dawn had mentioned how badly Buffy had been doing over the summer, but Willow wasn’t prepared for what she saw in front of her. Buffy was a small woman and her normal weight was probably about a hundred pounds, although a hundred and ten pounds would probably have been more healthy. What Willow saw was a skin and bones caricature of the Buffy she had known for eight years. At the most Buffy weighed eighty pounds, maybe less. Her eyes were sunken into her head with dark rings around them. Buffy was twenty-three years old and looked like a sickly forty or older.

Willow had immediately told Buffy that she was going to have to go into a hospital for treatment. Buffy had looked at her with cold burning eyes and had mumbled out a reply that Willow was still trying to live her life for her instead of living her own. With tears in her eyes but determination on her face Willow had informed her that she was either going to start eating and taking better care of herself or she was going to be forced into a hospital for treatment. Buffy had told her in reply that she would hurt anyone who tried to force her into a hospital. Willow faced her down by stating that if she hurt anyone the police would become involved and that she would be locked up in a psychiatric hospital. Willow stated flatly that she would not let Buffy starve herself to death.

It hadn’t been the threat of the police or even being locked up that had made Buffy hold her tongue. It had been the threat of being taken away from the apartment, away from Spike that had scared her. That and the thought that she wouldn’t have any alcohol to numb her mind and stop the dreams when she closed her eyes.

An agreement had been made. Buffy would start eating and taking better care of herself. Dawn would report to Willow if she didn’t eat and start gaining some weight. Willow would stay out of her life and leave her alone, unless there was an emergency concerning Dawn. Willow had also stipulated that she had the right to stop by to be sure that Dawn wasn’t covering for her like she had apparently been doing all summer. Buffy had agreed and then refused to speak to Willow anymore.

She had continued to drink and to smoke, but had started eating more of the food that Dawn brought to her. I took two months for her to gain back ten pounds. Her eyes had become less sunken, but the dark circles around them had remained. She had become less and less communicative around Dawn and in November she had told Dawn that she didn’t want her to come around so much anymore, that she was getting on her nerves. Dawn had cried for two days at the further rejection she was receiving from Buffy, but excepted it because she felt she had no other choice. The new arrangement allowed Dawn to come see her on Tuesday afternoons when she got out of class and on Friday evenings.

Buffy had thought about what she was doing to Dawn by rejecting her visits and limiting the number of times a week Dawn could see her. She also knew, or at least believed, that Dawn needed to get on with her own life and to not worry so much about her. It was better to start making the break now and not waiting until the next summer when Dawn would be eighteen and going away to some college. Now was better, for both of them.

**** (12/04)