ItHurtsP4

It Hurts (So Bad) - 4

****

On a night a couple of weeks after New Years Buffy was out of whiskey and cigarettes again. She was completely intoxicated but not enough to get her through the night. Also the idea of waking up in the morning and not having anything to drink terrified her. She stumbled her way down the street to the liquor store and checking her money bought four pints of whiskey and five packs of cigarettes. As she worked her way down the street the same young thief that had attacked her at Christmas stepped out of the alley behind her. This time he’d come prepared and had a two foot long piece of pipe in one hand.

Fortunately for Buffy, and unfortunately for the young thief, he was carrying the pipe in his left hand. When he had tried to rob Buffy at Christmas she had snapped his right wrist. Being right handed, and not all that coordinated for a thief that made his way in the world doing smash and grabs and mugging old ladies, when he swung the pipe at Buffy he missed her head completely and brought the pipe down on her shoulder snapping her collar bone causing her to drop her bag.

He’d heard something snap and assumed that he had disabled her even though she didn’t move or fall. As he raised the pipe to strike again Buffy did a drunken half spin and kicking out with her right foot she connected with his left knee and shattered it. She hadn’t really been aiming at his knee and had hit it by pure chance. As she stumbled to regain her balance she struck out with her right fist and punched him in the chest knocking him back against the brick wall of a building where he struck his head and was knocked unconscious and fell to the ground knees first, doing even more damage to the already shattered knee.

Buffy stood there weaving, trying to find her balance again. In her drunken state it took her a dozen seconds or more to realize that her attacker was unconscious on the ground. She looked around for her bag of whiskey and cigarettes and saw it laying on the ground. She reached for it with her left hand and the sharp pain caused by the broken collar bone caused her to gasp and the world seemed to turn red for a moment and then white. She realized then for the first time that she had been injured. She knelt down and picked the bag up with her right hand. As she started to lift the bag it disintegrated spilling the bottles of whiskey and cigarettes out onto the side walk.

One of the bottles had broken and ruined the paper bag. Slowly and with great care she picked up the five packs of whiskey covered cigarettes and stuffed them down her blouse. She then picked up the unbroken bottles of whiskey and cradled them in her injured arm. When she stood back up the pain in her left arm and shoulder almost made her drop the bottles of whiskey. Using her right hand and arm now she took a tighter grip on the bottles. When she realized again that one of the bottles had broken she became pissed off at her attacker and not even thinking about it she kicked him in the face and broke his jaw. She then slowly turned and headed for her apartment again, being very careful not to drop another bottle of whiskey.

A half hour later as a patrol car came down the street the policeman driving it noticed the man laying on the sidewalk. He got out of the patrol car and checked to see if the man was alive. He then called in for an ambulance and requested a detective come to the site. There was something definitely funny about the crime scene. The officer recognized the unconscious man immediately and knew he was a mugger and thief who preyed upon the weak and elderly in the neighborhood. He had also noticed the piece of pipe on the ground, the torn paper bag, the broken whiskey bottle and the large wet stain of whiskey on the sidewalk. The officer didn’t want to jump to any quick conclusions but his first thoughts were that the scumbag on the ground had obviously jumped the wrong person and they had literally handed him his head.

***

When she got back inside her apartment Buffy was shaking from the shock of her injury. Carefully she let the bottles of whiskey slip from the cradle of her injured arm onto the mattress of her bed. She pulled her blouse out of her waist band and let the packs of cigarettes fall to the bed. Every movement of the arm or shoulder seemed to make the broken ends of her collar bone rub against each other sending sharp lightening bolts of pain through her shoulder and down her arm. Sweat was running down her face and at the same time she felt cold and clammy. Buffy knew that she should do something to tend to her injury but didn’t know what to do. She’d never had this kind of injury before, or ever had to deal with one this bad all alone.

Trying to puzzle out how to go about tending her injury Buffy turned around and sat down on the edge of her bed. She half sat on one of the bottles of whiskey and realizing it was there pulled it out from under her. She put the bottle into her left hand, which she had been holding cradled up against her stomach and using the right hand twisted the cap off the bottle. Taking the bottle back into her right hand she raised it up to her lips and drank deeply. Moving the right arm and shoulder and tilting her head back to drink made her left shoulder move, sending lances of pain through her left shoulder and arm. Buffy continued to drink until half the bottle was gone and tears from the pain were running down her face.

As she lowered the bottle from her lips more pain radiated out through her. The fresh whiskey in her stomach started to warm her making some of the cold clammy feeling dissipate. As long as she didn’t move at all the pain didn’t seem so bad, but any movement made the pain radiate out from the broken bones. Buffy sat there on the edge of her bed not knowing what to do to help herself.

As she stared out across the room she saw him coming toward her. Like times before he seemed to be coming from some distant place, but this time he seemed in a hurry and was heading directly toward her. When he finally stopped he seemed to be only a few feet away from her, almost close enough to reach out and touch. He was bending forward a little and as he stared at her she could see that his eyebrows and forehead were bunched up as if he were studying something or worried about something or concerned about something. When he lifted his gaze from whatever he was looking at he turned his head up and looked directly into her eyes.

His cold blue eyes were staring directly into hers. *noooo … not cold …. warm* Spikes warm blue eyes were staring directly into hers. Buffy felt her heart clench and her whole body went rigid, she couldn’t catch her breath, she couldn’t breath. Then he smiled at her. Her whole body seemed to relax under the spell of his smile, she could breath again.

As Buffy stared into Spikes eyes she remembered the many times he had looked at her in just that way, with warmth and love shining out at her. She also remembered how she had never been able to accept the warmth or the love that he had given her, not until it was to late. To late for both of them. Tears started running from her eyes, she started gasping for breath again, waves of pain spread through her body and not just from her injured shoulder. It was the pain of a broken heart, the pain of a love she hadn’t recognized for what it truly was until just moments before she lost it. It was the pain of an empty place inside her that echoed with a longing that could never be filled.

((Need to fix that, Luv))

When she heard those words she froze. *what?* She pushed the bottle she was still holding between her legs and raising her right hand, through the pain of moving her shoulders, she wiped at the tears flowing from her eyes. “What” she asked out loud?
Spike was still standing in front of her, still smiling at her, the warmth of his eyes was still directed at her. As she watched he licked his lips, she could see the moisture on them, and smiled an even bigger smile.

((Said ya need to fix that, Luv, before ya hurt yourself even more))

“H …. How” Buffy stammered out?

((Don’t know, Pet. But we'll suss it out))

“No. No, not what I mean” Buffy said in a scared whisper of a voice. “Am I crazy now?”

Spike squatted down on the balls of his feet, his duster flaring around him, he rested his forearms on his knees, he tilted his head a little to the left, his eyes seemed to sparkle, and smile up at her.

((Not so anyone would notice, Luv))

“Are you sure” Buffy asked, her voice was still a whisper and quivered?

((Yeah, I’m sure. Hundred an twenty years with Dru, I know what crazy is))

“Then, how” she asked, still in a small whisper?

((Don’t know. Been trying for awhile, couldn‘t do it. Maybe has to do with need, you needing me now, that is))

“Spi… Spike” Buffy stammered out, her voice hoarse, a little louder than before, but still shaking. “I know you didn’t believe me before, when I said it, but I did, I did mean it. Spike, … I love you!” With tears running down her face and her breath catching in her throat she said “Please! Please Spike! Please believe me! I love you Spike! I love you!” Buffy broke down and great sobs wracked her whole body. She shook and trembled all over, tears ran from her eyes and a look of unbearable anguish was on her face. “Please! Please believe me! Please! Please!” she said in a low pain filled voice between sobs.

((I believe you, Luv. Couldn’t be here if you didn’t))

Buffy raised her head at these words and looked at Spike kneeling in front of her. He reached out with his right hand toward her face, tears for her pain were in his eyes, his hand stopped just short of touching her cheek, as if he wanted to wipe away her tears, then he drew it back slowly.

((I love you Buffy, until the end of the world, and beyond. I’ll always love you))

With every sob she made, with every choked breath she took, the pain in her left shoulder and arm increased. She could feel the ends of the broken bone rubbing against each other. Slowly, but with determination she got her breathing under control. When she was finally breathing close to normal and the uncontrolled crying had stopped, she reached with her right hand and lifted the bottle she had been holding between her legs up to her lips and swallowed down about half of what remained in it. She then sat there resting, letting the alcohol spread through her body, warming her, easing the pain. After a few minutes she raised the bottle to her lips again and drank till the bottle was empty.

With the pain in her shoulder and arm lancing through her while she was crying and sobbing the vision of Spike had slowly faded away. Getting herself under control to ease the pain and finishing the bottle of whiskey seemed to be bringing him back, he was still a little transparent and she couldn‘t hear him anymore. She fumbled around on the bed looking for another bottle of whisky to open. Instead her fingers brushed across one of the packs of cigarettes. Careful not to move quickly she opened the pack and withdrawing a cigarette placed it between her lips, her hands were shaking. She had to stand to get to the lighter in her pocket, but she did it slowly so that she didn’t jar her shoulder to much. Once she had it lit she took a deep drag off it and filled her lungs feeling it burn inside her. She turned looking for the other bottles of whiskey and found them on the bed, they had been behind her all along. She was reaching to pick up another bottle to open it when she heard him again.

((That’s enough for now, Pet. We need to do something about that shoulder))

Spike was standing next to her and seemed solid enough to touch. But she didn’t dare. She knew inside her head that he was an hallucination and wasn’t real, but having him with her, even if he was an hallucination, was the first spark of joy she had felt in forever. Trying to touch him and not being able to would be to painful and would just verify what she already knew, she was going crazy.

((Thought we already went over that Luv. Your not crazy, little drunk maybe, but not crazy.))

“A little” Buffy mumbles out around the cigarette between her lips?

((Yeah, well more than a little, maybe. That’s alright for now, you need it for the pain anyway. But ya need to do something about that shoulder so ya don’t hurt it anymore))

“What” Buffy said? “Can you fix it?”

((No Luv, can’t touch you, wish I could. Maybe someday, sometime))

“Then what” Buffy asked? “Sort’a one hand clapping here.”

((Call the Bit, tell her you need her))

Buffy hesitated, her indecision was plain on her face. “If I call, if she comes, will you go away again?”

((Don’t know Luv, maybe, maybe not. She won’t see me either way))

“Are you a ghost again, like before” Buffy asked hurriedly. “Will you be made real again?”

((No, I don’t think I’m a ghost, doesn’t feel the same. Don’t know the answer to the second part. But I don’t feel dead, ah, un-dead, or whatever. I don’t know what I mean Luv, but I feel something. I felt you. I could feel you pulling me to you))

A shocked look of horror spread over Buffy’s face. “Oh God Spike, were you in Heaven? Did I pull you out of Heaven?”

((No, no Luv, you didn’t pull me out of Heaven. Evil vampire, living dead, remember, no Heaven for the likes of me))

“But your not evil, not anymore, you’ve got a soul and you saved the world” Buffy said immediately in his defense. “You earned a place in Heaven, you could have been in Heaven.”

Spike smiled at her and she could feel it, inside, that he was please by what she had just said to him.

((No Luv, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Heaven, it wasn’t anything like what you said Heaven was like. But it wasn’t Hell either, I’ve had a taste of Hell and it wasn’t like that. It was just sort of dark and quiet, but peaceful, sort of calming. Don’t really remember doing anything or thinking about anything, just sort’a felt like I was waiting for something))

“Oh” Buffy replied, not really knowing what to say.

((So, you got a phone, to call the Bit?))

“Yeah, in the bathroom” Buffy replied, still feeling hesitant “but I don’t know if it works. I turned it off right after Dawn gave it to me.”

((It’ll work, bet she checks it every time she comes to see you))

Buffy started to shrug her shoulders but the lancing pain stopped her and took her breath away. With the pain Spike started to fade away. As the pain eased he seemed to become less transparent but she couldn‘t hear him speaking anymore even though his lips were moving. Buffy walked back over to the bed and picked up another bottle of whiskey. She carefully unscrewed the cap and raising the bottle to her lips took a couple of large swallows. She put the cap back on the bottle and set it down on the nightstand.

((Seems like when your in pain it kind of blocks me out a bit))

“Or, I can only see and hear you when I’m shit-faced” Buffy responded as she squinted at Spike.

((Call Bit))

Buffy slowly walked to the bathroom and opened the door. The bathroom was as small as a bathroom could possibly be made. There was a toilet, a washbasin, a shelf hanging on the wall and a three foot by three foot fiberglass cubical that was the shower. An ugly green plastic shower curtain hung over the entry to the shower. On the back of the toilet the cell phone was sitting in the cradle of it’s charger. A little red light on the charger indicated the phone was fully charged. Buffy picked up the phone and walked out of the bathroom as she turned it on.

When she got back out into the main room she realized she didn’t know what to do. “I don’t know the number. I don’t know how to call her” Buffy said as a wave of guilt passed through her. She’d been living in this apartment for eight months and the phone was one of the first things Dawn had bought and put in the apartment for Buffy to have in case she needed it. In all that time she had never used the phone or called Dawn, not once.

((Sure you do. It’s got a memory dial right. You can bet that the first number on Dawns phone is your number. If she gave you the phone the first number will be hers))

Buffy wasn’t as sure of that as Spike seemed to be but decided to try it anyway. If the person who answered the phone wasn’t Dawn she could always hang up. She pressed the Power On key, then the Memory key and then the One key. She heard the phone dialing as she raised it to her ear. She heard it ring once, and then a second time. Before the phone could ring a third time she heard Dawns excited voice. “Buffy! Buffy is that you?”

Buffy hesitated for a moment, not knowing what to say. When she saw Spike tilting his head as he stared at her, she finally spoke. “Dawn, it’s me. I need you. I got hurt.”

“Buffy, your hurt, are you bleeding, do you need an ambulance, do you need a doctor?” Dawn responded in a tense but controlled voice.

“No bleeding, no ambulance, just need you. The bone in my collar got broke. The ends are kind of grinding together. I don’t know how to fix it. Spi… I thought maybe you could help me.”

“Buffy, I’ll be there in thirty minutes. Sit down and try not to move your shoulder. I’ll be there Buffy. I’ll be there” Dawn said quickly into the phone and hung up.

**** (12/04)