ItHurtsP6

It Hurts (So Bad) - 6

Dawn had collected all the cut up pieces of Buffy’s clothing and put them in the trash and was just putting away the broom and dustpan when she heard a noise at the door. She checked her watch and realized Willow had been gone for over a half hour. She hurried to the door and opened it to see Willow with a large cardboard box in her arms topped off with a stack of junk food items. There were powdered donuts, corn chips, several bags of candy, cupcakes, potato chips, nachos, salsa, bean dip, and a half gallon of ice cream. Dawn grabbed hold of the box and helped Willow carry it over to the kitchen table. When she’d removed all of the things stacked on top of the box she realized that there were ten quart bottles of whisky in the box. Dawn looked up at Willow with a big question in her eyes.

“I didn’t know what she likes” Willow exclaimed defensively “and I didn’t know what to get, so I bought a couple of bottles of different things. Plus, I got her some munchies. I figured that maybe we could get her to eat something and she use to like all this stuff, in the past I mean.”

“Yeah, the munchies were a good idea, anything that doesn’t take cooking” Dawn told Willow. “As far as the booze goes, it doesn’t really matter, she doesn’t really like the taste of any of it anyway.”

“I don’t understand” Willow said with a totally confused look on her face, “if she doesn’t like any of it why does she keep drinking it?”

The stupidity of the question shocked Dawn. *What world have you been on for the past eight months?* flashed through Dawns mind. “Why do you think she drinks? For the fun of it?” Dawn snapped back angrily. “It’s because of the nightmares she has whenever she tries to sleep. It’s because her hearts broken and she can’t stand the pain. It’s because being drunk and numb is the only way she can survive every fucking day that she has to go on living without Spike.”

Dawns voice had been getting louder and shriller by the second and when she realized it she stopped talking. She grabbed one of the bottles out of the box and walking over to Buffy unscrewed the cap on it and took it off. When she was next to the bed standing over Buffy she reached down and eased the nearly empty pint bottle out of Buffy’s hand and slipped the quart bottle of whiskey into her grasp. Buffy looked up at her with glazed eyes and smiled a small sad smile. She automatically raised the bottle to her lips and took a drink from it. Her eyes went back out of focus and she started mumbling to herself again.

Dawn then walked back over to Willow and taking her by the arm led her out of the apartment and down the hallway. When she was far enough down the hallway to be sure Buffy couldn’t hear them talking but close enough to keep an eye on the door, just in case, she let go of Willows arm and turned to confront her. She could see that Willow had a confused look on her face, not understanding why they were out in the hallway.

“Okay Will, I’ve got to know” Dawn said calmly, but forcefully, as she looked Willow in the eyes. “Are you the most incredibly meanest person in the world, or are you just the most incredibly stupid person in the world?”

Willow took a step back, her face turned very pale and then a bright red. A look of confusion crossed her face, not understanding why Dawn was attacking her. “I, I don’t understand wh… what you mean” she stammered out. She then tightened her jaws as she started becoming angry at Dawn.

“Okay, will just go with stupid” Dawn said harshly. “And just to get it out of the way, how in the fucking world could you have EVER given Buffy that picture?”

“Picture? What picture?” Willow asked, sounding confused again.

“The picture you gave her at Christmas. The one with you, Xander, Giles and her, all smiles and happiness, that picture! The one I found in the bottom of Buffy’s drawer with the wrapping paper still around it, covered up so she wouldn’t have to see it, that picture!”

“Oh, that” Willow said as a tiny smile came to her lips. “I just wanted to give her something to remind her of all of us. To let her know that I’ve missed her. That I, all of us, still love her and want her to get better, to be happy.”

“I see” Dawn said scornfully. “I thought you were just trying to remind her that three of the people she loved most in the world had lied to her, betrayed her and ripped her heart out. I thought you were just trying to push the knife into her heart again just to see if you could make her bleed a little more.”

Willow fell back from Dawns anger until she was trapped against the wall. Tears started to form in her eyes, she choked and couldn’t catch her breath. “I would ne… never try to hurt Buffy” Willow chocked out. “I love her!”

Dawn spun away from Willow and paced back and forth in front of her. Her anger was radiating off of her in waves. When she finally stopped and turned back to Willow she tried to control herself and her almost overwhelming need to hit someone.

“Willow, when it comes to IQ points and books, you are probably one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. But when it comes to understanding people and their emotions, you are a total moron!” Dawn had to pause again because she could feel herself getting ready to start screaming. She took several deep breaths to calm down.

“Willow, you have NEVER cared about Buffy’s happiness! All you have ever cared about was Buffy making YOU happy. All you have ever done is try to manipulate Buffy into caring about you, to make YOU happy!”

“All you guys, you make me sick. Poor little Willow, so nice, so loving, so needy. So ‘I love you Buffy but don’t you dare do something I don’t approve of Buffy‘. Xander bouncing around like a puppy begging for attention, wanting to be loved, but withholding his love if Buffy didn’t do what he wanted her to do. And Giles, he’s the worst of all of you, loving, caring father figure, pulling Buffy’s strings like she’s some damned puppet. ‘Only want the best for you Buffy’, ‘You have a sacred duty Buffy’, ‘You’ve disappointed me Buffy’, ‘I can’t love you Buffy unless you do what I want Buffy’.”

Dawns frustration and anger overwhelmed her. Faster than Willow would have thought possible, Dawn punched the wall next to Willows head and nearly broke through the wall boarding. Willows eyes got big, and scared, at the violence she could feel was ready to explode in front of her.

“For seven fucking years she tied herself up into knots trying to make all of you love her” Dawn ranted as she paced back and forth in front of Willow. “For seven fucking years she did everything she could to protect you, to get your approval, to make all of you happy. She died for you, twice damn it, and what was her reward. She got ripped out of Heaven just so she could come back and face your disapproval again, just so she could make you and Xander happy, again.”

“So what happens? The only person in the whole fucking world who loves her totally and completely, a thousand percent, just for herself, no fucking strings attached, he isn’t good enough for you guy’s. ‘He’s a vampire Buffy’, ‘He’s evil Buffy’, He’s a monster Buffy’, ‘He doesn’t have a soul Buffy’, We don’t approve of him Buffy’. So she twists and turns her feelings for Spike into a big ball of self hate and she hurts him and herself again and again to try to force him away. But he won’t go, because he loves her. But she can’t love him, oh no, not Buffy. She cant’ love anyone unless the three of you tell her it’s okay.”

Dawn continued to pace back and forth in front of Willow, trying to hold on to her temper, trying not to lose control. Trying to pound some understanding into Willows head without actually having to pound on her head.

“First love, Angel. Vampire with a soul, but he turns evil. ‘You have to kill him Buffy’, so she does. It ripped her heart out, but she did it. But he comes back, second chance right? Fuck no! ‘I want you to be happy Buffy’ so I’m going to leave you and rip your heart out again! Oh, goodie good for Angel, he did the right thing, you all approve. He just wants Buffy to be happy, just like the rest of you.”

“Then comes Riley. Normal guy, macho man, everybody loves Riley. Xander running around in circles kissing his ass, ‘He’s the one we like Buffy’, ‘We approve of him Buffy’, ‘He’s normal Buffy’. Yeah, he’s normal, except he worked for an evil government agency and he liked to get suck job’s from vampire whores. Yeah he’s the normal one alright, and when she finds out about it, he blames her. It’s her fault, she doesn’t love him enough, he wouldn’t have done it if she’d been more normal like him.”

“Then right in the middle of Mom being sick and then dying and an evil hell god coming to town, she gets me, the key to all evil. But some fucking monks fucked with her head and made her love me, so now she has to protect me. But what happens next? Giles, her loving Watcher, her surrogate father, tells her she’ll have to kill me to save the world. But she can’t do that because the monks made her love me. So she kills herself to save me, and to save the world, again.”

Dawn continued to pace back and forth in front of Willow getting angrier and angrier. Willow stood terrified against the wall, afraid to move or say anything that might direct Dawns anger toward her. She had never seen Dawn like this before and it terrified her.

“So finally she gets her just reward. She goes to Heaven, she finds peace, she finds love. Then you, you selfish bitch, you rip her out of Heaven and bring her back to hell. ‘But we missed you Buffy’, ‘We love you Buffy’, ‘We saved you from Hell Buffy‘, ‘Why aren’t you grateful Buffy’. Yeah, so the only person she feels comfortable with is a soulless vampire with a chip in his head. He’s the only one she can talk to, the only one she can trust with her secrete, that every single day is a living hell for her. Why can’t she go to her friends and talk to them about it? She doesn’t want to hurt them. Why can’t she go to her watcher? Cause he told her she needed to grow up and he went back to England. Why couldn’t she talk to me?”

Tears were running down Dawns face at this point, she was totally out of control and didn’t care. To much anger and pain and frustration had built up over the past couple of years and she couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“Yeah, so she goes to Spike and he tells her he loves her. But she can’t except his love, oh no, not Spike. Because her friends don’t approve of Spike. ‘He’s evil‘, ‘He doesn’t have a soul‘, “If he didn’t have that chip he’d kill us all‘, ‘You should kill him Buffy’. But she can’t kill Spike, because he loves her, because she feels something for him. But she’s not suppose to feel something for Spike because her friends don’t approve. So she ties herself up into a bigger knot and everyday she becomes more desperate and lost.”

“Then she finds out that Spike can hurt her, that the chip doesn’t work on her, that she’s not a normal human being anymore. Great, how much more fucked up could her life get, she’s not human anymore. So she turns to Spike for comfort, but she can’t do that no matter how much she wants to, because her friends, the people she loves and needs the most to approve of her won’t understand. So everything gets twisted and perverted and they hurt each other again and again. But she knows it’s not Spikes fault. She knows he would crawl on his knees through fire for her because he loves her. But she can’t except his love, because she’s all twisted up inside and she pushes him away again and again until he finally does something he can’t live with and runs away and leaves town.”

Willow was feeling overwhelmed by Dawns diatribe and her menacing behavior. When Dawn mentioned why Spike had left Sunnydale she jumped on the first thought she had in an effort to defend herself and her feelings toward Spike. “But that just proves what we said Dawnie. Spike didn’t love Buffy, he tried to rape her.” Unfortunately for Willow her tone of voice was just a little to justifying, to self-satisfied, to smug.

Dawn spun from where she was walking back and forth in front of Willow and slammed both fists into the wall, one on each side of Willows head. She leaned in menacingly until she was nose to nose with Willow. In a harsh and disgusted tone of voice she said “The key word there is ‘tried’ Willow. He ‘tried’ to rape Buffy, he ‘tried’ to force her to admit she felt something for him, he ‘tried’ to make her love him. When Buffy stopped him and he realized what he had ‘tried’ to do he couldn’t stand himself. He left town, he went to the other side of the world and ’got a soul’ so that he would never ‘try’ to hurt Buffy again, so that he would be worthy of her.”

“Remember Tara, Willow” Dawn said cruelly. “The woman you claimed you loved. The woman you murdered a man for, that you almost destroyed the world over because of the pain you were feeling. Do you remember Tara? The woman you ’mind raped’ repeatedly. The woman you stole her memories from because you didn’t want her to disagree with you. The woman you just wanted to be happy, as long as she was a complacent little cow that did what you wanted her to do and felt what you wanted her to feel and didn‘t ever disagree with you. The woman that forgave you for doing it once and you turned right around and did it to her again. Remember how you ’mind raped’ all of us Willow? Remember what you said? ‘You just wanted us all to be happy’, isn’t that what you said Willow. You just wanted us all to be happy, YOUR WAY.”

Dawn pushed herself away from Willow in disgust. Willow collapsed to the floor in a heap and started crying. Her whole body shook as she cried and tried to gasp air into her lungs. Dawn stood back from her and watched her cry. Slowly her anger at Willow dissipated to a low burn, it was still there but at a more controlled level. She still felt that Willow didn’t understand about Buffy. How Buffy felt about Spike and why it was eating her up alive. When Dawn folded her arms in front of her while she watched Willow crying she felt something in her jacket pocket, a pencil. An idea came to her.

Dawn reached down to Willow and taking her under the arms lifted her back up onto her feet. Willow was still crying and would have collapsed back to the floor but Dawn wouldn’t let her. She turned Willow so that she was facing the wall.

“Your lesson isn’t over yet Willow” Dawn said into her ear. “You’ve always been the good student, taking notes, writing out the assignments. Well you’ve got one more to do today. Maybe the most important one you’ve ever had to do. It’s time for you to learn to understand about love.”

Dawn took the pencil out of her pocket and slipped it into Willows hand. “It’s time for the written assignment. It’s time to write it on the wall.”

Willow turned her face toward Dawn. Her eyes were red from crying, tears still ran down her face, snot was running from her nose, her face was red and blotchy. As she looked at her Dawn could tell that Willow didn’t understand what she was suppose to do next.

“Just write on the wall what I tell you to write, Will” Dawn told her. “Just write ‘Buffy loves Spike! Buffy will always love Spike! Buffy will love Spike until the end of the world!’.” Dawn had to repeat what she wanted Willow to write several times until she had it all written out in a line across the wall. “Okay Will, now you have to write that out a thousand times. Do you understand, a thousand times? Not a hundred. Not five hundred. A thousand times. Every time you write it out, every word, you have to repeat it out loud. If you truly mean what you said, that you love Buffy, your going to do this. Because if you don’t I’m going to make sure you never see or talk to her again. Do you understand?”

When Willow nodded her head Dawn let her go and started walking down the hall to the door to Buffy’s apartment. When she got there she looked back and saw that Willow was still leaning against the wall crying, but she was writing on the wall and Dawn could hear her saying the words out loud through her tears. Dawn opened the door and entered the apartment leaving Willow in the hall to do her homework.

**** (12/04)