The Return
Part 3 - The Hand (of God)
(1 of 2)
****
Spike sat on the floor with his back against the wall, cradling Dawn in his arms. His right leg was extended forward, going under the foot of Dawns bed. His left leg was bent at the knee, his foot flat on the floor. Dawn was wrapped in his duster, both hands in front, one clutching it closed around her, the other fisted in his shirt. She was lying on her right side, legs drawn up, mostly covered by the coat. His left arm was wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her up against him so that her head rested in the crook of his arm and her forehead rested against the left side of his chest. His bent left leg helping to hold her in place. His right arm and hand were laid over her waist, pulling her in against him.
Dawn was sleeping now, she had resisted for awhile, tried to fight off the sleep. But eventually exhaustion, and a feeling of safety, had finally been to much for her and she had drifted off into a deep sleep. As she lay in his arms, Spike studied Dawn closely. His Niblet had grown up a lot in the past three years, she wasn’t the young teenaged girl he’d taken care of that summer after ….. the tower. She was taller now, maybe even as tall as him? But she felt too thin in his arms, bony. Rupert had mentioned that she wasn’t eating right, wasting away he’d said. Her face looked thin, maybe from not eating, but fear and stress could do that to a person too.
Studying her face he could see some of the scars that Rupert had mentioned. There was a patch on her forehead that looked as if the old skin had been abraded away. Maybe from someone kicking her with a hard shoe or boot on. There were several smaller scars on the plane of her cheek and jaw bone where someone had hit her and broke the skin. By the looks of it they had probably been wearing a ring or two. The worst of the scars that he could see were the ones across her lips. Someone had either hit her with something or kicked her in the mouth. Both the upper and lower lips had been completely torn open, a good half inch or more for both lips. He could also see, through her partially opened mouth, that three or four teeth were missing at the impact point.
From the outside, looking at Spike, no one could have told from his face what he was thinking and feeling. But inside, he was raging that someone could have hurt his Niblet so badly. It was only his soul, and the assurance from it that there would be retribution, that allowed him to keep his emotions from coming to the surface. Bending his head down Spike gently place a soft kiss on the top of Dawns head. Dawns reaction to his touch was to burrow her face against his chest and let out a soft quiet sigh.
Letting his head rest against the wall behind him, Spike ruminated over their first moments together after she first woke up, the crying, their words to each other. Dawn had cried so hard, had held on to him so tightly, it was like she was afraid that if she let go of him he would disappear, or maybe not have really been there at all. She had told him she loved him, and begged him not to leave her, that she needed him. Spike had told her that he loved her too, that he needed her too, and that he would never leave her again. A determined look came to Spikes eyes as he made a promise to himself, and to Dawn, that he would never leave her again, for as long as she needed him. He also made a promise to himself that he would do whatever it would take to make his Niblet feel safe and whole again. Thinking about that, he started running ideas through his mind, what he needed to do.
Although most people, humans and demons alike, that knew Spike wouldn’t have thought of him as being much of a thinker or a planner, they would have been wrong. Spike had always thought things out and made plans, it was just that his own impatience would get the better of him and he would act spontaneously and mess up his own plans. But since getting his soul back, Spike had learned to be more patient, he was calmer now, more thoughtful, more in control of himself and his actions.
The first thing he needed to do was to get Dawn to start eating again. He thought about it for a few minutes and then a smile came to his face, he knew what to do and how to get Dawn to go along with it. Then he would need to get her to start bathing again. It wasn’t that Spike was offended by Dawns odor or anything, but he knew that her lack of bathing was due to her depression. His feeling was that if he could get her to start bathing again, maybe she would start feeling a little better. He knew that taking a bath wasn’t a cure all or anything, but he knew he felt better after a hot shower and he was undead, so maybe it would work on Dawn as well. Once he got her eating and bathing, his next step would be to get her to go outside. He knew he would have to take that step carefully, he didn’t want to scare her back into her room and have to start all over again. As he sat there thinking about it he decided that was enough for now, a few small steps, see how they worked out, then plan for more.
**
When Spike and Giles had arrived the previous evening it had been around 10:00PM. The stress of the initial meeting with Spike had been so intense that Buffy wasn’t sure how much time had passed before he had asked to go up to see Dawn, it couldn’t have been more than ten or fifteen minutes though. Taking him up to Dawn, seeing them crying and holding each other, coming back downstairs, crying her heart out, being soothed and regaining control of herself had taken awhile. Before Buffy knew it, it was past midnight. Giles took Willow home, both of them promising to come back over the next morning. She’d sat downstairs alone for awhile, calming herself before going upstairs. She’d gone down the hallway quietly and had stood outside Dawns door, listening. She could hear Spikes voice, but not what he was saying, she didn’t hear Dawns voice at all. Going to her room she’d undressed and slipped on light weight sweat pants and a tank top, then gone to bed. She’d laid there for awhile, she didn’t know how long, thinking, almost praying, that this would all work out alright, that it had to, and slipped into sleep.
Waking up suddenly Buffy threw back her covers and quickly got out of bed. She opened her door and hurried down the hallway to Dawns room. Only when she got to the door did she slow down. Quickly, but quietly she opened the door and slipped into the room. On the balls of her feet and toes, she hurried over to the bed, where she could see Dawn cradled in Spikes arms on the floor. A soft sigh escaped her lips. Seeing that Dawn was safe, and sleeping peacefully brought tears to her eyes. It had been months since Dawn had slept a night through without waking up screaming from her nightmares. Glancing up from Dawns face to Spikes, Buffy could see that his eyes were looking at her intently. Reading the message in his eyes took her breath away. Wiping the tears from her eyes with her fingers, Buffy gave Spike a half way smile. Then mouthing the words, but not saying them out loud, she said “Thank You”. She then backed up and left the room as quietly as she had entered it. Going back down the hall to her own room she closed the door behind her and got back into bed.
Buffy laid there stiffly for several minutes, then rolling over onto her stomach she buried her face in her pillow and started crying. Before she had tried to smile at Spike, before she had mouthed the words ‘Thank You’ to him, she had seen his eyes as he stared up at her. Buffy had seen fear in Spikes eyes, and she knew that she was the reason he was afraid. Knowing that Spike loved Dawn enough to come back to Sunnydale to try to help her should have made Buffy happy, and in a hundred ways it did. But at the same time, knowing that Spike was afraid of her, that he thought she might harm him, for any reason, made her cry more. Knowing that he had reasons to be afraid of her made her cry harder.
**
It was probably an hour or so before sunup that Spike felt Buffy coming down the hall quickly. Fear gripped his heart, something was wrong, but what? The door had opened quietly and Buffy had entered quietly, but as Spike looked up at her he could see the worry and fear in her eyes. Her first look had been at Dawn, to see that she was safe, and he had heard her sigh. But when she had raised her eyes to his he had seen that there were tears in her eyes. Seeing her tears had brought a stab of pain to Spikes heart, and his soul. Without even thinking about it he assumed that somehow he was the reason for her fear, and her tears. It was only when she smiled at him crookedly and had mouthed the words ‘Thank You’ at him that he let doubt enter his mind. But Buffy had left the room immediately, so he wasn’t sure. Spike sat there for a long time trying to understand what had just happened. Why had Buffy been so afraid? Why had he become so afraid when she came into the room?
***
When Giles and Spike had shown up the previous morning the only reason that they had found anyone awake was because no one had gone to bed yet from the night before. After they arrived, and Spike was ensconced in the ‘guest room’ on the fourth floor, Angel was to worked up to go to bed. Cordelia had felt she had to stay up with him to keep him calmed down. All day long he had brooded and it was only Cordelia’s presence that had kept him in his office and away from Spike. When Giles had returned that afternoon she had left them alone to discuss the young men at the Delta Zeta Kappas fraternity house and the evil lawyers at Wolfram & Hart. From her office next to Angel’s, Cordelia had half listened to what they were talking about and several times she had heard Angel try to worm information out of Giles about Spike. Angel had asked Giles a number of questions that Giles had put off answering. But, in the end, Angel had insisted on knowing why Spike had come back, it wasn’t as if anyone wanted him back or needed him. Giles had become angry and had snapped out that actually there were a number of people that wanted Spike back, Buffy and Dawn for two, and himself for another. As for being needed, Dawn needed him, and that was all that mattered or should matter, to anyone.
Cordelia had gone in to join them then and to calm things down. She knew that Angel was aware of how Dawn felt about Spike and that it had always rubbed him the wrong way. Dawn had ‘never’ really liked Angel, or trusted him, even with a soul. But she had ‘always’ liked and trusted Spike, and he was soulless. Once she had the situation calmed down, she suggested that maybe they should all think about getting something to eat. Giles told her that he had eaten out that afternoon with a business acquaintance and wasn’t feeling hungry at this time, but they should probably wake Spike up so that he could feed because he hadn’t eaten since they were in ….. Europe.
Cordelia had caught on immediately that Giles had avoided saying where in Europe he and Spike had been and was certain that Angel had caught it too. Angel reached out with his vampire senses and announced that Spike was already awake and was in the kitchen with Fred and Lorne. He then added a snide remark that Spike was probably making a pig of himself on the free blood. Giles had gotten an angry look on his face and standing up had announced that he was going to join Spike. Angel and Cordelia had followed him out of the office and had led the way to the kitchen. That was when they walked in on Spike, with Fred in his arms. That’s when things really went to hell. Angel had stormed off all hurt and angry, Lorne had left for Caritas after Giles and Spike had left, Fred had gone up to the ‘guest room’ to straighten it up before going to her own room, and Cordelia had said ‘the hell with it’ and had gone to bed.
So here she was, twelve hours later and wide awake. In Cordelia’s mind, “Good Morning” was an oxymoron, there was nothing ‘good’ about ‘morning’, well, unless you were getting ready to go to bed, maybe. Cordelia harrumphed to herself as she came down the stairs and headed for the kitchen. Angel hadn’t come home last night, so she wasn’t in the best of moods anyway. She just knew that he was off somewhere brooding and that he would probably be impossible to be around for the next couple of days. ‘It’s all Spikes fault’ Cordelia thought to herself, ‘if he hadn’t shown up yesterday, thing would be fine now’. Once she made it to the kitchen she started a pot of coffee and while it perked she made herself a piece of dry toast and poured herself a small glass of orange juice. She had just finished her toast and juice and was pouring herself a cup of coffee when Fred walked into the kitchen.
Fred was in a happy mood and gave Cordelia a bright and cheery “Good Morning” as she poured herself a large mug of coffee, then pulled a box of ‘pop tarts’ out of a cabinet. She sat down on a stool at the breakfast bar where Cordelia was sitting and proceeded to dunk her ‘pop tart’ in her coffee and munch away happily. In between bites she was humming some moldy oldie pop tune happy song. Cordelia nearly growled at her.
Fred may have been in a happy mood, but she wasn’t dense, one look at Cordelia’s face told her something was up. “Is something wrong, Cordy? You look out of sorts this morning.”
With her snippy mood coming out in her tone of voice, Cordelia answered. “Yeah, you could say that. What was with you and Spike all lovie dovie last night? And this morning, your acting like you just got home from the best date ever, what’s with that?”
Fred got a slight blush to her cheeks, but a smile was on her lips. “There was nothing lovie dovie between Spike and me. We were just giving each other a hug, that’s all. Ya know, friends can do that, it makes them feel good.” With a little defensiveness coming into her voice, Fred continued. “And this morning? Hey, I had a good nights sleep, had happy dreams, why shouldn’t I feel good about it?”
Cordelia got a blush to her own cheeks as she realized what she had sounded like just a few moments earlier. Softening her voice, and with real concern, she said “But, Fred, …. I don’t get it! Yesterday morning you’d never even met Spike, and in like just a few minutes you were all smiles and giggles and taking him up to your parents room to sleep. I mean, you were acting like he was your long lost boyfriend, or something? And last night, with the hugging and stuff?” A thought came to Cordelia’s mind and her eyes got big as her mouth dropped open at the thought. In a rush she gasped out “Thrall! He had you in his thrall, didn’t he? Did he hurt you? You know they can do that, hurt you I mean, when your under a vampires thrall they can make you do anything. Willow told me that Dracula had Buffy under his thrall once, and she let him bite her. Spike didn’t bite you, did he?” Cordelia was so worried, and so certain she was right, that she jumped down from her stool and hurried over to Fred to check her neck for bite marks.
Fred was shocked at first by what Cordelia had just said, then she started giggling uncontrollably. Tilting her head from side to side to show Cordelia her neck, as soon as she had her giggles under control she gasped out “No bites, Cordy, no thrall.”
Once Cordelia was certain that there weren’t any bite marks, looking at Fred with puzzlement on her face she said, “Then I don’t get it? If it wasn’t thrall, then why all the hugging and kisses and hand holding and ‘come back soon’ crap?”
Feeling just a little insulted by Cordelia referring to what had occurred between her and Spike as ‘crap’, Fred’s brows drew together as a frown spread over her face. She knew that Cordelia meant well, but still. “It wasn’t crap, Cordy! There wasn’t any kissing, except for a kiss on the cheek, and the hugs and hand holding, that’s what friends do, ya know. And I would like for Spike to come back soon, and I’m not the only one. I’ll bet if you ask Lorne or Connor, they’d both like for him to come back too.”
Cordelia realized that what Fred had just said was true. Lorne had been both friendly toward Spike and defensive of him when Angel had accused Spike of trying to harm Fred in some way. Lorne had acted like Angel was the one acting badly. As far as Connor went, Cordelia didn’t know how he felt about Spike, but Fred seemed pretty convinced that Connor wouldn’t mind if he returned. With her mind spinning and a completely puzzled look on her face, Cordelia said it again, “I don’t get it?”
Fred seemed to take pity on her and replied “What’s to get, Cordy? Spikes ‘special’, anyone who really looks at him can see that. Spike wouldn’t hurt me, or you or Lorne or Connor or even Angel. Ya know, if you gave yourself half a chance, I’d bet you’d like him too.” Saying this, Fred got up from her seat, walked over to the coffee pot, refilled her mug and left the kitchen.
Cordelia sat there by herself trying to make sense out of what Fred had just said, it still didn’t make any sense to her. Absentmindedly she opened a ’pop tart’ and started nibbling on it. She thought about Spike, she’d never really known him, but she remembered him from Sunnydale and remembered that he use to scare the hell out of her. She also remembered when he kidnapped Angel and tortured him to get the Ring of Amara back. That had been a really scary time too. She remembered Willow telling her something in the past, something about Spike having had some kind of ‘chip’ put into his head by some secret government group that kept him from hurting humans. She wondered how that worked exactly?
Before Cordelia could take her thoughts any further she realized that she had just opened her second ‘pop tart’ and was half way through eating it. In a panic she jumped up and rushed over to the trash can and spit out what was still in her mouth as she threw the remainder of the ‘pop tart’ into the trash. Grabbing up the box the ‘pop tarts’ came in she counted how many calories were in each one. Pushing every other thought out of her mind she hurried down to the workout room in the basement, she needed to burn those calories off now, before they had a chance to turn into fat.
***
As Dawn started to wake up, she had this feeling inside her that she was safe. It occurred to her through the muzziness of waking from a deep sleep that she hadn’t felt that way in a long time. As she continued to wake she realized that someone was holding her in their arms. Panic started setting in and her heart started beating faster. But before she could go into a full panic, a familiar soft voice said quietly “Niblet, your safe love. I promise, I won’t let anyone hurt you.” Recognition of the voice came next, holding her breath she opened her eyes, looking up she could see Spikes face as he stared down at her, concern for her written on his face. Long moments passed as they stared at each other. Tentatively, as if speaking might make him disappear, Dawn asked in a hushed whisper of a voice “Are you real?” As she watched a tear ran down Spikes cheek. When he spoke his voice was still soft, but filled with emotion “Yeah love, I’m real. I’m real and I’m back to stay.”
Slowly reaching up with one hand, Dawn touched Spikes tear with her finger, she could feel the wetness. Bringing her finger down before her eyes she could see it. Bringing it to her lips she tasted the saltiness. Looking up at Spike as he held her in his arms, she felt safe. Smiling up at him she said “Yeah, you are.” After a few moments of silence, she added “I’ve missed you.” As she watched another tear broke free from Spikes eye and ran down his cheek. Tightening his hold around her shoulders, hugging her against him tighter, his voice so choked with emotion he could barely get the words out, Spike said “I’ve missed you too, love. So very very much.” Bending his head down he kissed her softly on her forehead. Turning her face into Spikes chest, Dawn closed her eyes as she breathed in Spikes scent, mumbling in a voice he could barely hear, she said “Good.”
Spike held Dawn in his arms, he watched her breath, listened to her heart beat, felt her relax in his arms as if all the stress and tension in her body was melting away. He knew that the reasons for the stress and tension, the reasons for her fears, hadn’t left her, but right now, at this moment, they weren’t what she was thinking about. Right now she was feeling safe, and that was all that was important to him. When Dawn finally did speak, it was almost a surprise to hear her voice, because she sounded so much like she had in the past, before he’d left. “When you hold me like this, I can hear my heart beating inside of you.” Opening her eyes she looked up into Spike’s and could see the love he felt for her in them. “Do you know what I mean?”
Spike smiled down at Dawn and said quietly “Explain it to me, love, so’s I will.”
Taking a breath, but never taking her eyes away from Spikes, Dawn explained. “Remember, when Buffy was gone, you’d hold me sometimes?” When Spike nodded his head, she continued. “See, I was younger then and I didn’t understand some things. I mean, I knew you were undead and stuff, but it hadn’t really hit me that your heart didn’t beat. You understand?” Spike nodded his head again, listening closely to every word his Niblet said. “So, one night you were holding me, I think I’d been crying or something, and I was trying to hear your heart beat, and I couldn’t. So I started listening real hard, and after awhile I could hear it, beating I mean. It made me real happy that I could hear your heart beating, cause it kind of scared me when I couldn’t. But, a few days later I said something to Tara about it, and she told me that what I’d been hearing was my own heart beating. At first it kind of bothered me, but then I thought about it and thought it was kind of cool. I know now that what I was thinking wasn’t what Tara had meant at the time, but back then it just seemed really cool that my heart was beating inside of you. I still feel that way, hearing my heart beating inside of you, it’s still cool, and it makes me happy.”
Spike smiled at Dawn, even as another tear ran down his face. “Ah Niblet, you’ve got the biggest and bravest heart in the world. It makes me proud, love, that you’d share yours with me. An you know something? It makes me happy too.”
Dawn smiled up at Spike and turning her head she kissed his chest, right over his heart.
*
Spike continued to hold Dawn in his arms and would have probably been content to do so for the rest of the day, or longer. But as he held her he could hear her stomach making noises. Not loud noises, or embarrassing noises, but he could hear them anyway. He knew that she was hungry, and he also knew that she hadn’t been eating much in the way of good healthy food for several months. Thinking about his plan, he decided now was the time to take the first step.
Taking in a deep breath to calm himself, Spike started talking “Bit, we need to talk. It’s kind of important.” He felt Dawns body grow a little stiffer in his arms and her heart beat picked up a few beats. “I want you to know that I know what happened to you, most of it anyway.” Dawn became stiffer and her heart started beating faster than before. Dawn started to say something, but Spike brought his hand up to her face and place one finger lightly over her lips. “No, love, just listen to me for a minute, okay? I know what happened, mostly, but we don’t have to talk about it, okay? Not unless you want to, okay?” Spike waited and although Dawns heart was beating fast now, she kept eye contact with him as she nodded her head. “I want you to know that I came back to Sunnydale for you. Just for you, okay. I didn’t even know what had happened to you when I agreed to come back, okay. The Watcher said you needed me, that’s all it took to get me to come back, okay.” Spike waited again for Dawn to nod her acknowledgement. “I want you to understand this, I’m here for you Bit. I’m not going anywhere, I’m not going to leave again, I’m here for as long as you need me, okay.” When Dawn nodded her head this time, Spike noticed that some of the tension had left her body and her heart had slowed a little.
“But, there’s another problem and I need your help with it.” Spike closed his eyes for a few moments while he took several deep breaths. When he opened his eyes again he could see that he had Dawns full attention. “You ….. know why I left, what I ….. tried …. to do …… to Buffy.” Dawn barely moved her head, but Spike could feel it when she did. “I could say I’m sorry Dawn, and please believe me, I am sorry. But that doesn’t change anything, does it? I know Buffy hates me, and she should, she’s got a right to hate me. But she loves you more than she hates me, pet, so much more. Buffy’s the one who sent Rupert to find me, to ask me to come back for you.” Spike paused to make sure Dawn had time to digest that information. “But you see, there’s the problem. Buffy would do anything for you Niblet, anything at all. But having me around here is going to be hard on her, you know what I mean?” Spike waited for Dawn to nod her head before he continued. “Having me around the house, coming into a room and finding me there, it’s not going to be easy for her. So, I was thinking that maybe if we stick together, wherever you go I go, wherever I go you go, maybe that will make it easier on her. If she comes walking into a room, she won’t find herself all alone with me, ya see?”
Dawn had been watching Spike as he spoke to her and she could easily read the pain that he was feeling in his eyes. Dawn had known from the moment that she heard what happened that Spike had never intended to harm or hurt Buffy. She knew it in her heart that Spike had loved Buffy, even if no one else had ever believed it was possible for him to love. She knew it was true because she knew in her heart that Spike had loved her too. Before Spike could say anymore, Dawn placed her fingers over his lips. Speaking softly, but loud enough that she knew Spike could hear her, Dawn said “I don’t think Buffy hates you Spike.”
Spike shook his head in the negative, but didn’t say anything for a few moments. When he did speak his voice was thick with emotion. “You might be right, Bit. Hating someone, that takes a lot of energy out of a person, makes them weak. Your sis, she was never one to give in to weakness. But there is something that she is, Bit, she’s afraid of me.” Dawn started to say something, maybe to deny Spikes words, but he spoke before she could. “Believe me, love, I know fear in someone’s eyes when I see it. I saw it in Buffys eyes once before, on that night. When she looks at me, that same look is still there.” A tear broke free from one of Spikes eyes, it was followed by another, and another. Wiping the tears away with his fingers, Spike paused long enough to take several breaths. He cleared his throat, then spoke again, his voice a little more determined. “That’s what I need your help with, Bit. I need you to stick with me, when Buffys at home, so she won’t have to be alone with me, so she won’t have to be afraid of me.” Dawn could see how important this was to Spike, and without giving it to much consideration, she nodded her head in agreement. “Thank you, Bit” Spike said, his voice barely a whisper.
*
They both sat quietly for several minutes, not moving or saying anything. Spike was using this time to pull his emotions together and to bring himself under control. When he did move and start talking, it was almost as if a different Spike had entered the room. Lifting Dawn up to an upright position and sliding her off his lap, Spike got his legs under him and rose to his feet. Reaching down he then pulled Dawn up to her feet. Giving her a grin, he started talking. “Alright, love, it’s time we made our way downstairs.” Seeing the sudden reluctance in Dawns eyes, Spike ducked his head a bit and looking up at Dawn a bit bashfully, he told her “See Bit, the truth of it is, I’m a bit famished. All this crying and stuff, it sort of wears me out. Big Sis, she said there was some blood in the frig for me, but I don’t want to go down after it alone.” Dawn started to protest, but remembered her promise to stick with Spike, and just nodded her head instead. Spike gave Dawn a big smile in appreciation, then taking her hand in his he led her out of the bedroom, down the hall and stairs and into the kitchen. They made the trip quick enough, and with Spike holding her hand, Dawn didn’t even have time to think about getting scared.
Once they were in the kitchen Spike opened the refrigerator and found the brown paper bag that contained several bags of pigs blood. Taking one out, he got a coffee mug out of a cabinet, filled it with the blood and started it to warm in the microwave. While the blood warmed up, Spike stood at the open refrigerator door and made a sighing sound. When Dawn asked him what was wrong, Spike asked her to promise not to tell the Watcher, then told her that having spent the past three years all over Europe, he had really missed American food. Before Dawn knew she was doing it, Spike had her helping him to make pancakes. He swore to her that he loved pancakes, especially if they were covered with melted butter and lots of maple syrup. They made a big mess, spilling some of the pancake mix and dropping an egg on the floor. They had both laughed over the mess they were making and promised to help each other clean it up. But by the time they were done, Spike had a big plate full of hot pancakes. Dawn had insisted that she didn’t want any of the pancakes, but Spike had barely taken more than two or three bites before she had her own fork and was eating off his plate. Being completely casual about it, Spike poured Dawn a glass of milk and set it before her, while he drank his blood and ate his pancakes.
That was when Buffy walked in on them. Buffy had sensed Spike long before she reached the kitchen and as she approached it she had heard them talking to each other. Stepping through the doorway she saw both Spike and Dawn with their mouths full of pancakes and Dawn had a half empty glass of milk in front of her. Looking quickly around the room she immediately saw the mess, but was so grateful that Dawn was eating something, she wasn’t going to say anything.
As soon as Spike saw Buffy he was up off his stool and started mumbling an apology and not making eye contact. Dawn was up off her stool too, and had placed herself between Buffy and Spike. Dawn hurried out with an explanation that they were going to clean up the mess, as soon as they finished eating, but they’d do it now instead. Buffy had insisted that they finish eating and that she would do the clean up. Spike and Dawn sat back down and started eating again, but Spike seemed to have lost his appetite and Dawn ended up eating most of the food. Several times Dawn had reached out and touched Spikes hand or arm, as if she were reassuring him that everything was alright. As soon as they were done they both hurried out of the kitchen and back up the stairs to Dawns room.
*
Dawn and Spike had just gone up the stairs when there was a knock on the front door. When Buffy answered it was Giles. Motioning to him to be quiet she led him back to the kitchen and showed him the mess and the dirty dishes. She explained that she thought both she and Dawn had just been manipulated by a Master Vampire. She told him the story, Spike getting Dawn out of her room, both of them making pancakes and a mess, Dawn eating, Dawn defending Spike and trying to protect him from Buffy, everything. When she finished telling the last of it, Buffy sat down on the stool that Spike had been sitting on and started crying.
Seeing Buffy cry, as it always did, completely flustered Giles. He never seemed to know what to do or say in these situations. Tentatively Giles patted Buffy on the shoulder, trying to sooth her distress. But truthfully he didn’t understand what she was crying about. “Buffy, I don’t understand. In less than twelve hours Spike has had more positive results with Dawn than any of us have had in months. I would think you would be overjoyed.”
Wiping the tears away from her eyes, Buffy tried to explain. “Giles, if it was just what Spike has been able to do with Dawn, I’d be jumping for joy. But, Giles, he’s afraid of me. Every time I look at him I can see it in his eyes. It’s like he’s expecting me to stake him any minute.” Buffy picked up a paper napkin and blew her nose, then wiped more tears away from her eyes. “Giles, I don’t want him to be afraid of me. I don’t want him to think that I’d hurt him, and I don’t want Dawn to think I’d hurt him either.”
Giles read between the lines and understood things Buffy wasn’t saying. “My dear child, I am so sorry that this is all so painful for you. If what you think is true, that Spike manipulated the situation this morning to get Dawn to stand up for him, I am sure that it wasn’t done with the intention of hurting you in anyway. Believe me Buffy, I am completely convinced that Spike wouldn’t do anything to deliberately harm you. But I am equally convinced that he would do almost anything to help Dawn, even if that meant hurting himself. If you had seen his reaction when I told him what happened to Dawn, I fervently pray that I never see anyone else suffer such emotional pain again. A lesser man would have never survived it.”
Buffy sat looking at Giles for more than a minute before she said anything. When she did speak her voice had a questioning, curious, puzzled tone to it. “Giles? What’s going on? You just referred to Spike as a man, and you even admitted that he has emotions and feelings. You’ve never done that before.”
“Buffy, over the past few days I have spent some very informative time with Spike and I have learned some things I would not have ever believed possible. Some of the things I have learned, Spike has asked me not to tell you. Although I did not promise, I feel obligated to meet his request, at least for now. All I can say at this time is that Spike is not the person you once knew. He is the same, but he is greatly different. I believe that if you look at him with both open eyes and open mind you will discover his secrets soon enough.”
***
That first day, mixed in with stories of some of his adventures in Europe, Spike explained to Dawn the impossibility of poisoning the food supply of a town the size of Sunnydale. That because there were so many places to buy food and so many different kinds of food and no way to predict who would buy what or when or where, that it just couldn’t be done. To prove his point, that evening while Buffy was still out on patrol, Spike called a pizza place at random from the phone book and had a large pizza delivered. He sat in front of Dawn and ate two pieces with her watching, just to prove that the food wasn’t poisoned. Before he could pick up a third piece, Dawn snatched the one he was reaching for out of his fingers. He gave her a big eyed stare, as if she’d just done something horrible, and they both broke into laughter. Dawn didn’t even realize it, but she ended up eating more than half the pizza herself.
On the second day, once Buffy had left the house, Spike wanted to explore. Dawn stayed by his side and they ended up in the basement. Spike could see immediately what Buffy had done with the basement to try to make it more comfortable for him, and he did appreciate it. But at the same time it reminded him of his old crypt and that made him feel badly. For the past two years Spike had been living in apartments, first in Rome and then in Paris, the dank and slightly mildewish smell of the basement was depressing. As they explored the corners of the room, Spike came across a stack of boxes that contained all the things from Dawns room. Some things were torn, some broken, but most were intact. Not making a big fuss about it, Spike started sorting through one of the boxes pulling out a few books and some CD’s. In another box he found a radio/CD player. Not really asking Dawn if it was alright he carried what he’d picked out up to her room. Before long there was music playing loudly in the background while Spike read out loud from the third Harry Potter book. He told Dawn that he’d missed that one, and by the fifth chapter of the book he had her reading out loud alternate chapters with him, to save his voice.
*
Buffy had worked that afternoon and early evening. She was planning on taking a shower and changing before going out on patrol. As she approached the house she could hear the loud music coming from the house. Circling the house until she was under the window to Dawns room, Buffy could hear Dawn reading loudly from a book. She then heard Spike say something and Dawn reply, then both of them laughing. Buffy continued around the house and sat down on the back porch steps. Sitting there, hearing the loud music in the back ground, silent tears ran down Buffys face. After awhile Buffy got up and left for patrol without a shower or changing, she needed to find something to kill, to make her feel better.
*
On the third day, Spike made a remark to Dawn that he really needed to take a shower and change his cloths, because he was really starting to smell bad. Dawn made the comment that she thought he smelled fine. In an off handed way, Spike replied that Dawn couldn’t possibly tell what he smelled like over her own smell. Dawn looked at him, all offended, and wouldn’t speak to him for almost an hour. When she finally did speak it was to ask him if she really did smell bad. Spike acted all hesitant, but finally admitted that she was a bit ripe, not that he really minded or anything. He told her that he had grown up in a time when some people went their whole lives without bathing, and she didn’t smell anywhere near as bad as they use to smell. Dawn had shed a few tears, gathered up clean cloths, and had silently gone to the bathroom and taken a long hot shower, washing her hair three times. When she came back to her room, Spike spent an hour drying her hair and combing it out for her until it glowed with health and beauty.
Because, now that she smelled all nice and clean, Dawn told Spike it was his turn to do the same. This was when Spike had his first panic attack. He’d brought his bags up to Dawns room the second day, because he knew he wasn’t going to be spending any time in the basement, at least not for awhile. Getting clean cloths out of his bag had been no problem, but stepping out into the hallway and looking at the bathroom door had frozen Spike in place. Dawn became aware of Spikes distress within moments and it only took her a few moments more to understand what it was about. Taking him by the arm, Dawn led and pulled Spike down the hall until he was standing in front of the bathroom door.
Looking into his eyes, Dawn could see that Spike was replaying that night with Buffy, and she could see that his eyes were filled with pain and remorse. Reaching out she turned the doorknob and pushed the door open. Looking into the room she could see that there were wet towels still on the floor from where she’d left them, and she hadn’t cleaned out the tub yet either. Trying to make a joke of the mess, Dawn pulled Spike into the bathroom and had him wiping up the water on the floor with the wet towels while she rinsed out the tub. Dropping the towels down the laundry chute to the basement, Dawn got fresh towels from the hall closet and brought them into the bathroom. Still trying to keep Spike from freaking out, Dawn stood outside the door, leaning against it, and talked loudly to Spike the whole time he was in there.
She tried to make a joke that Spike was taking longer to shower than she had, but she got no response from him. She started making cracks about not having the right kind of bubble bath for him, because as long as it was taking him he must surely be taking one. She asked if he needed any hair gel, because if he did they’d need to contact Angel and have him send some down, cause it should arrive by the time Spike was done. Spike had responded to that wisecrack, which only egged Dawn on to say more things about Angel. How Angel was ‘so pretty’ with his hair all gelled up and spiky. How he could stand in a wind storm and never have a hair move out of place. Spike had been barking back responses about what a ponce and a poof Angel was, that he’d never use the same gel that Angel used because it was scented, that Angel wore lifts to make him taller. When Spike finally pulled the door open on Dawn, and she almost fell into the bathroom, he was showered, dressed, and not a speck of hair gel on his head. Spike gave Dawn a grumpy kind of look, as if she had been insulting him, but Dawn knew things were better, because the intense pain wasn’t in his eyes any longer.
*
That night when Buffy got home from patrol she found Spike, with Dawn curled up in his arms, watching an old movie on TV. Her first thought was to sit down with them, to watch whatever they were watching, to talk. Since Spikes arrival four nights earlier they’d hardly been in the same room together or said anything to each other. But as she entered the room Buffy became aware that Spike was lost in thought, that he wasn’t really paying any attention to the movie at all. She noticed that Dawn had both of her hands around one of Spikes hands, holding on to him, as if she were the one trying to make him feel safe. Buffy didn’t know what was going on, but she had the feeling that she was a part of whatever the problem was that Spike was having. Putting a fake smile on her face, Buffy just said ‘Good Night’ to both of them, quietly, and left the room, going upstairs to her bedroom. Buffy laid down on her bed and stared up at the ceiling for several hours before she finally drifted off to a troubled sleep.
*
It took two more days to get Dawn to go outside. It wasn’t far, just the back porch, but it was a first step. Spike had been controlling his need for cigarettes during the daytime, but every evening he would step out onto the back porch and smoke a couple. At first, Dawn had stood inside the kitchen, with the door closed, and watched Spike smoke. She then started opening the door a little so that she could talk to him. Next the door was open wider and she was standing in the open doorway. Finally, she came out onto the porch and sat down on the steps next to him. They ended up sitting out there for several hours, talking and looking up at the stars.
It wasn’t until the middle of the second week that they started talking about what had happened to Dawn, she was the one who brought it up. That was also when she let him see her scars, most of them. Since his arrival, and for months before that, Dawn was hardly ever without Spikes old duster. When she started to show him her scars, and had to take it off, she almost had a panic attack. Spike held both of her hands until she calmed down, reassuring her that she wasn’t alone, that he would keep her safe. Most of the scars were small, they looked like someone had used the tip of a sharp knife to make small cuts, but there were a lot of them. Other scars were the obvious result of cigarette and cigar burns. Someone had used her body as a place to put them out. There were other scars that she wouldn’t show him where someone had held the flat side of a hot knife blade against her skin. By the time that Dawn had finished showing and telling him about her scars, Spike was crying a steady stream of tears. Every nick, cut and burn mark on her body made Spikes soul burn with guilt and shame for not being there to protect Dawn. It also burned with a desire to avenge what had happened to her. His soul kept telling him that he would get his chance for retribution, but not yet, not until Dawn was better. For some reason, seeing the way her scars affected Spike, the pain that each one brought to him, Dawn didn’t break down or cry while she showed Spike what had been done to her.
Giles and Willow had been stopping by almost everyday, just to see how things were going. Spike had spent some time talking with Giles, but had avoided Willow almost as much as he avoided Buffy. The day after Spike had seen Dawns scars he decided that he needed to speak to Willow. It took two more days for the right time to occur, but when it did, Dawn left the room so that they could be alone. Spike had already mentioned to Dawn that he wanted to speak to Willow alone, to tell her how sorry he was about the loss of Tara. Once they were alone Willow became even more nervous around him than usual. He ignored her case of the nerves and told her how sorry he was when he learned of Tara’s death. He told her how much he had always liked the gentle witch and that he grieved with her for her loss. Willow had shed a few tears and thanked him.
That was when he brought up his real purpose for talking to her. Spike told Willow that he wanted her to use her magic to blend up a cream or ointment that would remove the scars, or at least most of the scars from Dawns body. Willow stammered out that she didn’t do much magic anymore, that she hadn’t since she had tried to destroy the world. Spike gave her a stern look and bluntly told her that he wasn’t asking her to do ‘dark’ magic. He wanted her to do ‘white’ magic, like Tara use to do, the kind that helped people instead of hurting them. Seeing the hurt in Willows eyes, Spike soothed his tone of voice with her. He told her that she had a lot of power within her, that she had the ability to do good things, but if she didn’t use that power it was just being wasted and wasn’t helping anyone. Willow calmed down and promised to look into it, to see if she could come up with something to help Dawn. But she told him that the ingredients for that kind of cream or ointment would probably be very expensive, because if it wasn’t, some other witch or sorcerer would have already made it and been selling it to others. She started to explain that sometimes the cost of ingredients were just to high to make using them reasonable. Spike told her not to worry about costs at this time, that she should just do the research first, he would take care of the money she needed later.
*
Late that night, after Buffy had gotten home and he was sure she was sleeping, Spike carried his courier case into the bathroom. Once there he opened the case and took out a cell phone that had been given to him by one of the priest from the Vatican. It was one of those cell phones with a special account that allowed the user to call anywhere in the world. He didn’t like to use it very often because it gave a record of who he was calling to the priests. But this time it didn’t matter because he was calling Father Boulard. He’d waited until he was fairly certain that the priest would be free. Father Boulard liked to take a nap right after lunch and Spike had the phone number for his private quarters. The priest picked up after the fourth ring, sounding as if he were still half asleep. As soon as he heard Spikes voice though, he was wide awake. Spike explained where he was and why, without going into to much detail, just emphasizing that it was something he had to do. He then asked the priest for a couple of favors. First that he go to his apartment and collect his private possessions and keep them for him, that maybe someday he’d be back to get them. The second favor was more important. Spike had a suitcase in a safety deposit box in a bank in Geneva, that was filled with money. He asked the priest to go to Geneva for him and to deposit the money into a numbered account for him. He explained briefly that he needed to be able to access the money to pay for things he was going to need. Father Boulard agreed without questioning Spike of his need for so much money. Spike gave him the number to his account and the priest assured him that he would have the money in his account within three or four days. They said their goodbye’s and the priest blessed his endeavors.
Knowing that the money he would need would soon be available put a smile on Spikes face. Until he opened the bathroom door and found Buffy standing in the hallway. The shock of seeing her there, at the bathroom door, threw Spike into full memory recall and every moment of ‘that night’ flooded through his mind. With the memory came all the guilt, shame and remorse. The sudden onslaught of these intense emotions, the pain they brought to him, knocked him backwards into the bathroom as if he had just been hit in the face.
The shock of seeing Spike fly back into the bathroom as if she had just hit him made Buffy yell out his name “Spike!”. Rushing into the room to help Spike up, Buffy was shocked again when he avoided letting her touch him and scooted back across the floor to avoid her. He also refused to meet her eyes, but she could see the fear on his face. Buffy stood frozen, not knowing what to do next. That was when Dawn rushed into the room and hurriedly knelt down next to him, reaching out carefully she pulled him into her arms. Buffy watched as Dawn soothed Spike. It was almost like a complete reversal of roles from that first night that Spike came back, when he had soothed and nurtured Dawn. Buffy could hear Dawn whispering to Spike and could hear him mumbling back to her. The only words that she could make out were when Spike repeated several times the word ‘sorry’. When Dawn raised her head to look at Buffy, she could see that Dawn had tears in her eyes. Realization came to Buffy that her staying in the bathroom was only making things harder for Spike, she knew that she should leave. Backing out of the bathroom into the hallway, Buffy stood there listening to Spike and Dawn talking quietly to each other. Neither one was talking loud enough that she could understand what they were saying, only that Spike was upset and Dawn was trying to calm him down.
It was about fifteen or twenty minutes before Dawn came out of the bathroom, alone. She signaled to Buffy to follow her and headed down the stairs for the kitchen. As soon as they were in the kitchen Buffy started asking questions. “Dawn, what happened up there? Spike opened the door and saw me standing there and he flew back into the bathroom like I’d just hit him or something. When I tried to help him, he wouldn’t let me touch him. What did I do?” As Buffy spoke her voice had risen and become more and more emotional. By the time she finished she sounded as if she were ready to cry.
While Dawn listened to Buffy she’d gotten blood out of the refrigerator and had started heating a mug full for Spike. Dawn had tried to get Spike to go back to her room with her, but he was reluctant to come out of the bathroom while Buffy was still out in the hallway. Coming down for blood and making Buffy come with her had cleared the hallway so that Spike could go back to Dawns room. Hearing the emotions in Buffys voice and seeing that she was upset, Dawn made the decision to tell Buffy the truth, as she understood it. “Buffy, please believe me, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that you, Spike and the bathroom, it freaked him out.”
“I don’t understand, Dawn.” The confusion in Buffys voice was easy to hear. “Spike has been going into the bathroom since he got here, he takes a shower almost every day.”
“Yeah, I know, but not when your at home” Dawn explained. Taking a breath, Dawn continued “Buffy, I know you don’t like to talk about that night, I know that what Spike tried to do to you hurt you. Really, I understand that. But, Buffy …. I …. I don’t think …. you were the only one that got hurt that night. I … think …. that ….. in some ways …. Spike was hurt by what happened …. as much as you were ….. maybe more. He’s changed Buffy, he’s not the same as he use to be. I mean, he’s still Spike, he’s still the same in most ways, but there’s something different about him now, but I don’t know how to explain it.”
“Is that why he’s afraid of me Dawnie? Is he afraid I’m going to do something to him, hurt him?” Tears were building in Buffys eyes as she spoke, as she said ‘hurt him’ they broke free and ran down her face.
“Buffy, I don’t think Spikes afraid of you, he thinks your afraid of him.” Dawns voice was both saddened and pained at the same time. “He told me that every time he looks at you he can feel your tension and he can see the fear in your eyes. He feels so guilty over what he tried to do to you that sometimes it seems to just overwhelm him. He said that being in the same room with you, knowing that your afraid of him, thinking that he might hurt you again, it makes him feel sick. That’s why I’m always with him when your home. He thought that if we were always together, if you walked into a room and he was there, you wouldn’t have to find yourself all alone with him and be afraid. It really hurts him that he’s making you afraid to be in your own home.”
Buffy sat down quickly on a stool, folded her arms on the breakfast bar, rested her head on her arms, and started crying. Dawn stood next to her and brushed her hand lightly over her head and hair, trying to sooth her. When Buffy lifted her head to look at Dawn, tears were running down her face and her eyes reflected the emotional pain she was feeling. “Dawnie, I’m not afraid of Spike, at least not the way he means. I don’t hate him. I’m not even angry with him, not anymore, not for a long time. The only thing about Spike that I’m afraid of is that he hates me.” Buffy lowered her head and cried even harder than before.
Dawn started trying to sooth Buffy again, as she asked “Why would you think Spike hates you Buffy?”
“You don’t understand, Dawnie” Buffy said as she tried to control her crying. “You don’t know what I did to him, how much I hurt him.” Buffy wiped at the tears in her eyes, trying to see Dawn more clearly. “I couldn’t tell you the truth, Dawnie. You were so angry at me after he left. I couldn’t stand to have you hate me even more.”
Dawn sat down on the stool next to Buffy, put her hand on one of Buffys arms for contact, then told her “I always knew the truth, Buffy. From the minute that Xander told me what happened, I knew.”
Buffy didn’t try to deny what Dawn said she knew, she just asked “How?”
“From Spike.” Seeing the surprise and confusion on Buffy face, Dawn continued. “From his hands, Buffy.”
Still confused, and feeling Dawn was being cryptic, Buffy asked again “How, Dawn? How did you know from his hands? Explain, please.”
Looking at Buffy, Dawn drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. A look of determination settled on her face as she started speaking. “Buffy, I was young back then, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew that Spike loved you, even though you and everyone else kept saying he couldn’t really love anyone, because he was a vampire and soulless. But I knew that wasn’t true, because I knew that he loved me. I also knew that he would never hurt you, not on purpose, not deliberately, not unless you hurt him first.”
Dawn let out a sigh as she got up from her seat and walked away from Buffy to look out the backdoor window. After a few moments she came back and sat down again. “There were a bunch of things, little things I guess. I already knew that Spike loved you, I figured that much out after …. when you were gone. Spike grieved for you as much as I did Buffy. No one could grieve that much for someone they didn’t love. After you came back I would watch Spike watching you, he’d follow you all over the room with his eyes. But there was something about the way he acted, as if he were hopeful that someday you would love him back. But then I saw the changes. He would show up at the Magic Box, just a minute or two after you and he would have a busted lip, or he’d just been punched in the face and it was starting to swell. You always seemed to be trying to ignore him, or you acted like you were angry with him, or you would say mean things to him, and he would just take it. But he would look at you with so much love, and at the same time his eyes seemed so full of pain. But I finally figured it out at your birthday party when Spike showed up.”
Getting up from her seat again, Dawn walked around the breakfast bar until she was on the opposite side of it from Buffy. “Spikes a fighter, Buffy. He doesn’t usually run from a fight. If something or someone comes after Spike, he’ll fight them. Even if some human came after him and was pounding on him, Spike would try to fight back, even if his chip zapped him for doing it. There’s only one person that could beat the crap out of Spike, that he wouldn’t fight back against, and that’s you. When Spike came to your party he looked like someone had nearly beaten him to death.” When Dawn said this, she saw Buffy wince and look away guiltily. “When I got the chance I looked at Spikes hands, there wasn’t a mark on them. If Spike had been fighting with a demon his hands should have been all torn up, because with Spike looking as bad as he did, he would have had to fight for his life to win. Since Spike didn’t have any marks on his hands, I knew that it had to be you that beat him up, because he would have fought back against anyone else. That‘s what I figured out Buffy, that you were hurting Spike because he loved you, and he was letting you hurt him because he wouldn‘t defend himself against you, because he loved you.”
Dawn moved around the breakfast bar again and went over to the microwave where she started warming up the blood for Spike again. Not looking at Buffy, keeping her back to her, Dawn started talking again. “What Spike did to you Buffy, what he tried to do to you, that was wrong. Nobody knows that better than me.” Taking the warmed blood out of the microwave, Dawn carried it over to the doorway. Stopping there she turned to look back at Buffy. “Ask me about the story of the dog sometime. It’s why I couldn’t blame Spike for what he tried to do to you. It’s why I was angry at you, why I blamed you for Spike leaving.” Dawn turned and left the room, taking the warmed blood up to Spike.
*
Buffy sat on the stool at the breakfast bar, thinking. She thought about Spike, what Dawn had said about him, that he was different now. Giles had said something similar, that Spike had changed in ways that were hard to believe. The hours ticked away, the sun came up, Buffy continued to sit there and think. She wasn’t sure that she found any answers, she wasn’t even sure she knew the right questions. When it was time, she went up to her room and dressed for work. She took a change of cloths with her so she wouldn’t have to come home to change before going on patrol. Buffy told herself that she owed Spike the peace of mind of not having her around the house. She had asked him to come back to help heal Dawn, he was doing that, she didn’t have the right to ask him to heal her too.
**
It wasn’t as if everything just turned around for Dawn and everything got better. There were bad days and nights for her, especially when the dreams would come, when she would wake up crying. But the screaming had stopped, because every night she slept in Spikes arms and she knew down deep, inside, that she was safe. They’d both had a couple of really bad days, and nights, after Dawns show and tell, and Spike’s bathroom drama. But because they had each other they were able to get each other through the bad parts. It also helped that piece by piece he’d been bringing some of Dawns things back up from the basement to her room. He didn’t bother with the little girlie things, like dolls and such, but her books and CD’s showed up a few at a time. He’d also got her to start sleeping in her bed again, mainly by complaining that he was to old to be sleeping on a hard floor. He’d told Dawn that after living like a real person for the past couple of years he’d gotten soft and liked his comforts. Buffy had even gone out and bought him a pair of black sweat pants to wear to bed, so he wouldn’t have to wear his jeans. The thought had crossed his mind more than once how strange it was that no one even blinked at the idea of him sleeping in the same bed as Dawn.
By the middle of the fourth week they were even taking short walks together while Spike smoked his cigarettes. At first it had just been slow walks around the house, then one night they’d walked as far as the street light on the corner. After a couple of nights of that, Spike had led the way down the sidewalk to the street light on the next corner, then back again. They’d been doing that for a couple of nights now and Dawn was acting fairly comfortable with it. Tonight, instead of going the familiar way, Spike led Dawn down the street in the opposite direction for three blocks to the small park and playground. Spike knew that Dawn had memories of the playground as a safe place. He knew the memories had been implanted in her mind by the monks that had created her, but still they were there and they were happy memories. Once there he gave her a big grin and raced her to the swings.
They’d been at the playground for about a half hour, Spike was telling Dawn a story about one of his demon hunts in Romania, when a very noisy dirt bike raced past the playground. When the rider of the bike hit his brakes hard to come to a stop and turned the bike around in the middle of the street, Spike stopped talking. The rider twisted the throttle hard and the front of the bike raised up off the ground. He then rode the bike on it’s rear wheel to the edge of the street and let the front tire drop to the ground. Spike had gotten up from his seat on one of the swings and had moved out in front of Dawn. Dawn had gotten out of her own seat and had moved in behind Spike, as if his body was a shield. The rider of the bike sat for a few moments looking at Spike, and Dawn behind him, then shut off the motor bike and set the kickstand. Dismounting from the bike he took a couple of steps toward Spike, then stopping, started shifting from one foot to the other as if he were nervous or hesitant about approaching closer.
The breeze in the air was coming from the wrong direction so Spike couldn’t pick up the scent of the rider. He was wearing a helmet with a mirror like face shield and had on a puffy down filled jacket that masked his body size a bit. But as the rider stood there in front of him there was something familiar about him. When the rider reached both hands up to his helmet and bending his head forward pulled the helmet off, Spike let out a sigh of relief when he recognized who it was in front of him, it was the boy, Connor.
If it hadn’t been for the fright that this meeting had caused Dawn, Spike could hear her heart beating rapidly, he might have reacted differently, but because she was frightened he spoke harshly. “What the bloody fucking hell do you think your doing here ‘Boy’? Don’t you know you could get yourself killed pulling a stunt like that, scaring the Niblet?” Spike turned away from Connor and quickly went to Dawn to calm her and reassure her that there wasn’t any danger. Speaking to Dawn, but talking loud enough for Connor to hear, Spike pulled her into his arms and told her that everything was alright, that it was just Angels ‘sorry assed whelp’ and he wasn’t anyone to be worried about.
Connor felt a bit stung by Spikes words, but at the same time he felt embarrassed. He didn’t know Dawn, hadn’t really noticed her until Spike had stepped in front of her protectively, he’d just seen Spike as he was riding past and had stopped, then rushed over. He could see that Dawn was shaken and that she was resting her head against Spikes shoulder as he held her in his arms. Taking a couple of steps closer and out to one side, Connor waited a few moments before speaking. “Look Spike, I’m sorry, but I didn’t even see her till she got up behind you. I was just coming to see you, like you said I could.” Connors voice was a little bit whiny, a little bit defensive, but mostly he sounded uncertain of himself. “I was going by when I saw you, so I just hit the brakes.”
Spike had lost his anger already, but he was still upset, mostly about Dawn being frightened. Turning his head to look at Connor, when he spoke his voice still sounded a little rough, “Yeah, is that right Boy, then what was with the whole bloody ‘rearing stallion’ bullshit on the bike?”
Connors face blushed a dark red that was noticeable even in the poor lighting of the playground at night. Ducking his head, he turned it to the side for a moment to break eye contact. When he looked back at Spike to tell him what had happened he could see Dawns face for the first time and he blushed again. When he spoke again he sounded like a little boy trying to explain how it wasn’t his fault that the window got broken, ‘cause it was an accident.’ “Ah, look Spike, ah, … I didn’t mean for that to happen. It was sort of an accident. Ah, … see the throttle kind of sticks, sometimes. I can turn it and nothing happens, then all at once I get full power. It doesn’t hurt anything on the road, but at a stop, it kind of got away from me. Honest, it was an accident.”
Dawn had noticed Connors blushing and had heard the uncertainty in his voice. For some reason that probably made no sense at all, it made her feel better. Looking at him and seeing that he was blushing again, she gave him a small smile to show she accepted his apology.
Spike noticed Dawn calming down and seeing her attempted smile he hoped that this little mess wasn’t going to turn into a big mess and undo all the progress that he’d made on getting Dawn to come out of the house. He just needed to turn this whole thing into something more familiar and less threatening. Speaking to break the silence that was starting to grow uncomfortable, Spike gave Dawn a little hug and said “I suppose you and the boy already know each other, him being Angels get an all?”
A light blush came to Dawns face as she looked down, but she answered anyway. “No, we don’t know each other.” Raising her head and seeing a slightly puzzled look in Spikes eyes, she went on. “I mean I know who he is, we’ve just never met before, that’s all.”
Connor spoke up as soon as Dawn finished speaking. “Yeah, this is my first time out of L.A.. I’ve never been to Sunnydale before, or … well … much of anywhere else either.” Reaching into his coat pocket Connor pulled out a folded piece of paper and with one hand opened it up, then held it out toward Spike. “I got the address at the library and looked it up on ‘Map Quest’ and printed out a map.”
Spike took a quick look at the map, then looking up at Connor he said with a slight smirk in his voice. “You were sort of coming from the wrong direction, weren’t you Boy?”
Connor blushed with embarrassment, then said “Yeah, I got lost for a little while. Made a wrong turn or something.”
A smirky grin spread over Spikes lips that Dawn recognized and before he could say anything more to embarrass Connor she slapped Spike lightly on the arm drawing his attention to her. “Oh come on, you going to tell me you’ve never been lost before? What about that time you told me about where you wandered around in those catacombs for three days trying to find your way out?”
Spike gave Dawn a mock look of being offended, then grinned at her. “I’ll have you know that I wasn’t lost a bit. I just didn’t know where I was going, that’s all. There’s a difference you know?”
“Oh, and what would that difference be, oh great and wonderful explorer?” Dawn asked with a tone of mocking laughter in her voice.
Spike picked up on her tone of voice and answered in the same way. “You have to know where you want to be going before you can get lost. When I was down it those catacombs, I’ll have you know that I didn’t have the slightest idea of where I was or where I was going, so I wasn’t lost.”
Dawn glanced over at Connor and saw the slightly puzzled look on his face as he tried to work out what Spike had just said and what it meant. Seeing it she started laughing, when she looked back over at Spike and saw his mock offended look again, she started laughing harder. Spike gave her a big smile and pulling into his arms he gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.
Spike then announced that it was time that they headed home and taking Dawns left hand in his right hand he started leading her out of the park. Connor stood there for several moments not really knowing what to do, if he was invited to go with them. When Spike looked back at him and with a jerk of his head signaled to Connor to come with them he couldn’t help but sigh in relief. Hurrying over to his motor bike he started to get on it, then hesitated. Instead he kicked up the stand and started walking the bike along the edge of the curb.
As they walked Spike glanced over at him and down at his bike several times. They were still a block away from the house when Spike asked him, “What in bloody hell kind of bike is that thing?”
“You like it? I made it myself!” Connor said with a note of pride in his voice. “The frame and sprocket are Kawasaki, the front fork is off a Suzuki and the engine is off a Yamaha. It took me months to put it all together and get it to work right. It’ll go sixty-five to seventy miles an hour on the highway.”
Spike looked to Connor with disbelief. “Are you telling me you rode this bloody death trap down here at those speeds tonight? Boy, your as crazy as Dru ever was!”
Dawn was looking over and saw Connor stiffen up and could see the hurt look on his face. She gave Spikes hand a hard squeeze and when he looked over at her she gave him a frown of disapproval. Spike was immediately aware that he had put his foot in his mouth and tried to smooth things out. “Look Boy, I’m not saying your not some kind of bloody genius or something. You’d bloody well have to be to get the damned thing to run. But didn’t anyone ever tell you about balance and airflow dynamics. This thing must have jumped all over the place out on the highway. Your lucky you made it this far without going off the road.”
An embarrassed look came to Connors face as he ducked his head to break eye contact. “I didn’t actually ride it that fast, not all the way. I got it up to almost seventy once, but it kept drifting to the side of the road. Most of the way I was only going about fifty to fifty-five.”
Spike nodded his head at Connor in understanding. “Even at those speeds you were riding the edge of stability for that thing. Plus you’ve got the wrong kind of tires on it to begin with, those are off road tires. It must have been like riding a jack hammer all the way down here. Boy, your either one hell of a rider or you just used up all your luck in one night.”
Dawn spoke up before Spike could say anymore, or before Connor could respond. “Connor, I’m sure Spike wasn’t trying to put down you are your bike, but you should listen to what he says. Spikes been riding motorcycles for over a hundred years and there isn’t much about them he doesn’t know.”
Connor looked at Spike with both respect and interest, “Really?”
Spike made a frown as he remembered how he got all the motorcycles he‘d ever ridden. He‘d either stolen them or killed their owners and then taken them, but he told Connor anyway “Yeah, stole my first one back in 1895. Wasn’t much more than a bicycle with a motor, probably couldn’t go faster than five or six miles an hour. Got a better one in Germany during the war in 1915, on an open road it would get up to forty, forty-five. I’ve probably ridden just about every motorcycle ever made at some time or another.”
Connor apparently didn’t think of how Spike got all these different motorcycles over the years. Instead he was impressed and it showed on his face. The first questions out of his mouth were almost predictable. “Which one did you like best? Do you have a bike now? What kind?”
They had just gotten to the house and Connor left the bike in the driveway. They all entered the house together. Dawn went into the kitchen and warmed up a mug of blood for Spike while she got cold sodas out of the refrigerator for her and Connor. When the blood was warmed she carried everything into the living room. Connor took a soda and sat in a chair. Spike sat down on the couch and put his feet up on the coffee table. Dawn sat down next to him and snuggled into his side. For the next hour Spike and Connor talked about top speeds and gear ratios, street bikes versus off road bikes versus high speed racing bikes, one bike versus another bike and which one was the better. Dawn didn’t know what they were talking about eighty percent of the time, but she knew Spike was enjoying himself talking about guy things for a change.
*
When Buffy approached her house after her patrol she noticed the motor bike in her driveway right away. The first questions in her mind were, where did it come from and who did it belong too? Noticing that the lights were on in the living room she figured that she would find out soon enough, she just hoped it wasn’t trouble. Opening the front door she entered the house and heard Spikes voice and someone else’s. Stepping into the doorway leading into the living room she saw Spike sprawled on the couch with Dawn tucked up under his arm, her head resting on his chest. She had seen them like this a number of times over the past weeks and every time she did she was thankful to Spike for coming back to Sunnydale for Dawn. But every time she saw them like this a small stab of jealousy pricked her heart, which she immediately buried under shame and remorse.
But tonight, seeing who the other person in the living room was stuck her numb and speechless. Never in a hundred years had she ever expected to see Angels son Connor in her house. As she stood there with her mouth open, not knowing what to say, Connor rose to his feet and looking at her tried to smile, then blushed.
Dawn had been comfortable just listening to Spike and Connor talk. She wasn’t really interested in what they were saying so hadn’t been paying attention. She heard Buffy come in through the front door and felt Spike stiffen up a bit. When Buffy stepped into the living room and froze, she looked over at Connor and saw that he didn’t know what to say either. Deciding that someone had to do or say something before the awkward silence got any worst, she spoke up for everyone. “Buffy, you remember Connor don’t you? He came down to see Spike tonight. If it’s okay with you, I thought that maybe he could sleep down stairs in the basement, in Spikes bed, since he’s not using it anyway?”
Buffy was stunned for several moments, not only by the idea of Connor coming to see Spike, but by Dawn asking that a man, any man besides Spike, could stay in the house over night.
Connor thinking that Buffy didn’t want him to stay, because she hadn’t said anything, spoke up. “No, that’s okay, I hadn’t really planned to stay the night. I thought that once you went to bed, Spike and I could talk and then I’d go on back to L.A..”
Spike straightened up on the couch and taking his feet off the coffee table put them on the floor. Clearing his throat, he spoke to Connor, not looking directly at Buffy. “That’s not the way it’s going to work, Boy. First off, I’ve been sleeping human hours the past few weeks, so I’ll be going to bed soon myself. Second reason, you can’t go back to L.A. tonight. You may not have noticed it but that back tire of yours is showing thread in a few places. You won’t get halfway back before it blows out on you and if your going fast it could flip that pieced together monstrosity right off the road. Your going to have to get some new tires put on that thing first thing before you can go anywhere. If Buffy doesn’t want you to stay here tonight, I’ll put you up in a motel for the night. Angel an me might not be on the best of terms, but I figure I owe him enough to put you up somewhere safe for the night and get you some new tires in the morning.”
Before Connor could protest or decline, Buffy came out of her daze and spoke up, a little to loudly at first. “No!” Then more calmly and quieter, “No, Connor can stay here tonight. Like Dawn said the bed is there and no one is using it.” Then looking at Connor she gave him a small smile before continuing. “I’m sorry Connor, for not asking you to stay immediately. I guess I’m just a little tired and not thinking to fast. You should do what Spike says, I’m sure he knows what’s safest. He use to have a motorcycle, when he lived here before. In the morning I can take you someplace to get new tires. Or do you have to take the bike there to have them put on for you?”
For almost the first time since he had stepped into the house weeks ago, Spike looked at Buffy and spoke to her directly. “No, if you could take him to pick up the tires, I can help him change them. We can use the garage, if that’s okay with you, shouldn’t take more than an hour to change both of them.” When Spike said ‘both of them’ he saw that Connor was going to protest. “Look, Boy, you need to put street tires on that beast if your going to ride it on the highway. Those knobby tires are good for the off road, but they aren’t worth a bloody damned for the streets. You put a proper set of tires on that thing it will be a lot easier to keep it on the road. We can talk about what you came down here for tomorrow.”
Buffy had no idea what Spike was taking about with the tires or about talking to Connor, but she was so pleased that he had looked at her when he talked to her that all she could do is smile at Spike and nod her head in agreement. Dawn seeing the smile on Buffys face started smiling too. Connor seeing the both of them smiling, and really wanting to talk to Spike, gave both of them a bashful grin and nodded his head. Buffy taking that as an agreement smiled even bigger. “Okay, Connor, do you want me to show you where your going to sleep, or are you guys going to stay up longer?” Asking this, Buffy looked at Dawn and Spike.
Spike looked at Dawn, then looking at Buffy he spoke to her again. “I think the Bit and I are going to go on to bed. She won’t admit it, but she was nearly dozing off earlier, must have been all the exciting conversation going on.”
Dawn rolled her eyes at Spike, but still smiled at him. “Yeah, like I know what torque or gear ratio or differential is suppose to mean.” Taking Spikes hand in hers she started pulling him toward the stairs. When they got to the stairs, Buffy said in a very happy tone of voice “Good Night guys”. Both Dawn and Spike said “Good Night” to her and to Connor and went up the stairs.
Buffy still smiling led Connor to the kitchen and down the stairs to the basement, showing him the bed and telling him the sheets were still fresh because Spike had never slept in the bed. She then told him “Good Night” and went upstairs to her own bed to get some sleep. It took Buffy over an hour to fall to sleep though, she kept running the words that Spike had said to her and the way he had actually looked at her through her mind. She knew she was making a bigger thing of it than it really was, but she couldn’t help thinking that sometimes big things start off small.
*
In the morning as soon as Buffy woke up she got out of bed and got dressed. Usually she let herself wake up slowly and took her time getting up. But this morning Spike needed her, alright Connor needed her to take him to get the new tires. But she knew that she was really doing it for Spike. Hurrying downstairs she discovered that she was the first one up. Going to the basement door she opened it and went halfway down the stairs to see if Connor was still sleeping. When she could see the bed she saw that Connor was up and dressed and sitting on the bed reading a book he’d found somewhere. Once they were back in the kitchen she suggested that she move the car out of the garage and Connor move the bike inside of it. By the time they had that accomplished and came back into the house, Spike and Dawn were up and in the kitchen.
Dawn still looked sleepy, but she was dressed. Spike was dressed too, in a pair of black jeans and a tight black t-shirt that showed off his chest and abs. Seeing Spike dressed like that, without an over shirt or his coat on, brought back old memories to Buffy. Memories of other times she had seen him dressed like that, memories of him without the t-shirt, or the jeans. Memories that made her blush and look away.
Spike noticed Buffy blushing and looking away from him, but didn’t no why. The thought crossed his mind that he was the cause of it somehow and that made him feel bad, because he didn’t know what he had done. Dawn also noticed the blush, but she had seen the look in Buffys eyes when she first looked at Spike, a smirky grin spread over her lips. When she caught Buffys eye the grin turned into a wicked little smile.
Buffy blushed again and then started rushing around the kitchen like a dervish. She had a mug of blood into the microwave in seconds and was mixing up a bowl of pancake batter before it was warmed. Plates and forks and syrup and butter and glasses of milk and orange juice were in front of everyone before they could even think of saying they weren’t hungry. Dawn got the first plate full, then Connor, then Spike. The skillet she used was big enough for four big pancakes, when she made a plate up for herself she only put three on her plate and casually put the fourth pancake on Dawns plate. She had also warmed up a second mug of blood for Spike and as she sat down to eat she set it in front of him.
With breakfast finished and the dishes in the sink to soak, Buffy grabbed her car keys and they all hurried out to the garage. The sun was in the east, being morning and all, so direct light from it could only come in through one window and not through the open garage door at all. Buffy, with the help of Connor, nailed up a big piece of cardboard over the window and blocked out the sunlight. Spike handed Buffy a folded piece of paper and three fifty dollar bills. The piece of paper had the names of several different types of tires and wheel size. Spike also told her they would need a can of sealer and a hand pump for the tires, but there should be enough money to cover everything.
Buffy didn’t even think of refusing to take the money from Spike. First because she knew that she didn’t have the extra money to buy the tires for Connor. The second reason, and the more important one was that she wasn’t about to insult Spike, not again. The first week that Spike had been in the house he tried to give Buffy some money to pay for his blood and cigarettes. Buffy had hesitated about taking the money and Spike had gotten upset and left the room. Dawn had snapped at Buffy telling her she had hurt Spikes feelings, the money wasn’t stolen, Spike had earned the money. Buffy had assured Dawn that she hadn’t even thought for a minute that the money was stolen. She explained that because she’d asked Spike to come back to Sunnydale, she felt like she should be paying for whatever he needed. An agreement was made after that, Spike would pay for his cigarettes and Buffy would pay for his blood. If he ordered anything extra, like pizza or chicken wings or Chinese takeout for him and Dawn, he would pay for it himself.
Buffy and Connor were gone about forty-five minutes, by the time they got back Spike had taken both wheels off the bike and had stripped off the old tires. In less than an hour Spike and Connor had mounted the new tires, sealed them and inflated them. Buffy and Dawn had just stood back and watched, neither one knowing how to be of help. When the bike was ready Connor rolled it out to the street and started it up. The bike was loud and by Dawns estimation it sounded like it was going to explode, but neither Spike or Connor seemed concerned. Connor raced the engine a few times then popped the clutch, the bike rose up on it’s rear wheel and burning rubber all the way, he rode it down to the corner before he let the front wheel come down. Turning the bike again, Connor popped the clutch again and rode the bike back to the house on the rear wheel again. Spikes only comment was that Connor had just burned off a thousand miles of rubber showing off. But Dawn had seen his eyes as he watched Connor on the bike and she knew that he was wishing that it was him on the bike.
*
Buffy had moved her moms SUV back into the garage, she never thought of it as hers, it was always her moms, and went into the house to take a shower and get dressed for work. Once she left the house, Spike and Dawn sat down on the couch and Connor took the chair he’d been sitting in the night before. Spike asked Connor if he minded Dawn sitting in on their conversation? Connor said he didn’t mind, unless there was something Spike didn’t want Dawn to know or would be uncomfortable for her to learn. Spike assured Connor that he wasn’t going to tell him anything that Dawn couldn’t hear, but some of it might make Connor a little uncomfortable before he was done. Connor said he didn’t care if he became uncomfortable, he was tired of being a ‘mushroom’. Spike had looked to Connor for an explanation, but it was Dawn who said ‘kept in the dark’ and Connor had nodded his head in agreement.
Spike explained to Connor that most of what he knew about Darla’s history he’d learned from Angelus while he was still a young vampire. Darla had taken Dru and had gone off to visit the Master, leaving Spike and Angelus alone together for several months. With Darla gone, Angelus had talked about her a great deal. Darla’s father had been a rich man who got a servant pregnant. He accused the woman of being a thief and she was sold into ‘bond slavery’ in the New World where her new owner used her as a prostitute in a Virginia Colony brothel. When her mother died, Darla was made to be a prostitute at a very early age. Darla was in her mid twenties and dieing of syphilis in 1609 when the Master offered her the chance to live forever and for revenge against her father. Darla let the Master turn her, due mainly to the promise of revenge. After being turned Darla went back to England and killed her father, his wife, his children, their spouses and all their children. She hunted down every member of her fathers family and killed them all, ending his family line.
Darla stayed with the Master as his favorite Child for a hundred years, then started going off on her own. In 1753, while in Ireland she saw a young man, Liam O’Conner, and wanted him for more than a meal. She turned him and called him Angelus because she thought he was as beautiful as any angel could ever be. For over a hundred years they roamed the continents of the world killing and loving each other. In 1860 Angelus became enamored with a young girl, Drusilla, who had second sight, he drove her insane and turned her, making her his Child. In 1880 Drusilla found William and turned him, making him her Child. For the next eighteen years they were a ‘family’, a vampire family.
In 1898 gypsies cursed Angelus with a soul and Darla drove him away. In 1900 Angelus tried to rejoin his family in China, but his soul wouldn’t let him kill the innocent and Darla drove him away again. In 1997 Darla was in Sunnydale with the Master when Angel arrived. Darla tried to kill the Slayer and Angel killed her instead. In 2000 the lawyers at Wolfram & Hart performed a spell and brought Darla back to life, real life. They were going to try to use her to make Angel loose his soul. When Angel found out that Darla was actually alive, but dieing of the same disease that had been killing her when the Master turned her, he tried to save her life, nearly loosing his own, but refused to turn her. Wolfram & Hart got Drusilla to turn her and she became a vampire again. Somehow, someway, after becoming a vampire again, Angel and Darla made love, then Angel told Darla to leave L.A. or he would kill her the next time he saw her. Darla came back to L.A. pregnant with Angels child. There was a prophesy about an ‘unborn child’ of two vampires. When Darla couldn’t give birth, she took her own life, out of love for the child, and Connor was born, or ‘unborn’ as the case may be.
Spike finished telling his story and waited for Connor to make a comment or to ask questions. Connor sat for a long time without saying anything, he just stared down at his hands in his lap. When he finally lifted his head his eyes were red with unshed tears. In a voice that was hoarse with repressed emotions, Connor asked “How do you know she loved me? I was taught my whole life that vampires can’t love. I’ve excepted that Angel can love, but only because he has a soul. Darla didn’t have a soul so how do you know she loved me?”
Before Spike could speak, Dawn spoke first. “Spike can love, Connor. Spike can love more than anyone else in the world. For over a hundred years he loved Drusilla and he only left her when she sent him away. He loved Buffy, he loved her so much he would have died for her. And he loves me. I know it’s true Connor. Spike came back to Sunnydale for me, and everyday he’s here it hurts him, but he stays because he loves me.” The sincerity in Dawns tone of voice made it evident to Connor that Dawn totally believed what she was telling him. There was also the evidence of their behavior together. Connor wasn’t completely certain of Dawn and Spikes relationship with each other, but he couldn’t find it within himself to deny that the two of them loved each other.
When Spike looked at Dawn he had a gentile smile on his lips. Every time that Dawn pronounced her love for him and her acceptance of his love for her it made his soul fill with joy. Looking over at Connor, Spike could read on his face that he accepted what Dawn had just said about Spike, but there was still the doubt about Darla loving him. Spike could also read on Connors face and by his body language that this doubt was something that burned a hole in his heart. Spike knew what the doubt of someone loving you could do to your heart. It brought a pain to the heart, and the soul, that made you wonder if you were unlovable. It made you think that there must be something terribly wrong about you that no one else could love you or care about you the way you loved and cared about them. Accepting Dawns love and her feelings for him had been a soothing balm to both Spikes heart and soul, but he still knew those feeling well, to well.
“Look Boy, …… Connor, what I told you about Darla, most of it I got from your da, from Angel. That last part I got from Fred just a few weeks ago, the part about her coming back pregnant and killing herself so you could be born. She’s the one who told me that Darla loved you, that she loved you enough to sacrifice her own life so that you could live. But I believe her, Boy, I don’t think she would have lied to me.” Studying Connor, Spike could see the doubt was still there.
“Boy, I want you to think about a few things. I told you what kind of life Darla had, bond slave and being a whore. I’m more than a little sure that when her owner started putting her into the beds of men she probably wasn’t more than a child herself. There probably wasn’t a single man in her life that ever treated her with love or respect, so it would be no wonder if she never loved or respected any man. When the Master turned her, he was the first person to treat her with respect, he even made her his favorite Child. I won’t tell you that she loved him, but she had feelings for him. When she met Angel she developed feelings for him, enough so, that when she had to make a choice of staying with the Master or going off with Angel, she picked Angel. Again, I don’t know if it was love or not. I do know that her feelings for Angel were strong. But even so, there were times when she abandoned him to possible death while she escaped to save herself. So I want you to think about this. In the four hundred and more years of her existence, I only know of one time when Darla put someone else ahead of her own self, of her own existence, and that one time was you. When the time came to make a choice over her own life, or yours, she chose to take her own life so that you would live. I don’t know if you would call that love or not, Boy, but to my way of thinking there isn’t any greater way of showing your love for someone else than by putting their life ahead of your own. Darla made a choice, her life or yours, and she chose you to live. I’m thinking that probably means that she loved you more than anything else she’d ever loved in her entire life.”
Dawn had been sitting next to Spike, up close, but when he got to the part about someone giving up their own life to save the life of someone else and how there was no greater love a person could have, tears came to her eyes. Thoughts of Buffy giving up her own life, jumping from the tower so that Dawn would live, flooded into her mind. Thoughts of Spike letting Glory torture him nearly to death, but refusing to reveal that Dawn was the ‘Key’ that Glory was looking for came next. Dawn slipped her arm through Spikes and hugged herself against him tightly as she let her head come to rest against his shoulder. Both of them sat there quietly, probably with the same thoughts and memories in both their minds.
Connor had been looking down at his hands in his lap again, when he raised his head this time to look at Spike, the tears had broken free from his eyes and were running down his face. With his voice choked with emotions, emotions that he normally tried to suppress, Connor said “Thank you. No one’s ever told me about the other stuff, what you told me. They’d just say she killed herself so I’d be born and that she must have loved me. But, I don’t know, she didn’t have a soul, so I wasn’t really sure of it. I’ve never loved anyone, not like that. But if I did love someone, really loved them, I think I might be willing to die for them. If it would keep them safe, let them live, I think I could die for them.”
Listening to Connor speak, his tone of voice and the words he used, Spike hoped he hadn’t just set up some kind of martyr complex in the boy. Speaking calmly but forcefully, Spike said “Listen to me Boy, sometimes there are situations where you know that there aren’t any choices, where you have to be willing to sacrifice your own life so that someone else will live. But a better idea, if it’s possible, is to find a way to save the other person and both of you live. Because you never know, someday you might be needed to save them again, and if your already dead you won’t be there to do it.”
Connor reached up and wiped the remnants of his tears from his face and gave Spike a crooked kind of grin. “Yeah, I can see that. Wouldn’t want to just let yourself be killed if there was a better way to do things. It’d be kind of stupid to let yourself be killed for no reason, not if there were other choices.” Looking Spike in the eyes, Connor said “I understand what your saying, and thanks, again.”
For the rest of the afternoon Connor asked questions and Spike tried to answer them. Spike didn’t try to pretend that Darla wasn’t a vampire, or that she wasn’t a cold blooded killer, he gave Connor truthful answers. But mostly he tried to keep his answers away from the hunting and killing and focused more on situations less lethal.
When Connor asked him what Darla looked like, Spike closed his eyes and brought a picture of her up in his mind and described her as best he could. Spike then asked, if he really wanted to know what Darla looked like, why didn’t he have Angel draw him a picture. Connor hesitated, then told Spike that Angel always seemed to be hurt by Connor asking him any questions about Darla, as if thinking about her made him feel bad, so he stopped asking.
In a loud and angry voice, Spike said “Bollocks!” Dawn sat up straight to look at him and Connor was staring at him too. Spike made an actual growl deep in his throat before he spoke again. When he did you could hear the anger he was feeling. “That bloody arsed wanker is manipulating you, Boy. The pillock made up his mind that you didn’t need to know about Darla, so he’s kept everything a secret from you.” Seeing the hurt come into Connors eyes, Spike quickly continued, his voice much calmer and less angry. “Listen, Boy, I’m sure your da loves you. Knowing him that’s probably why he didn’t tell you. When Angel gets an idea in his head the only way to get it out is with a rock. Somewhere along the line Angel decided that telling you about Darla would be bad for you, and bad for him. More probably bad for him. You see, Darla and Angel were together for almost a hundred and fifty years, killing people all around the world. The only way he could tell you about Darla was to tell you about himself too. Angel loves you and he wants you to love him, but he probably figured that if he told you all about his past you wouldn’t be able to love him. Angel doesn’t like to talk about the past, he doesn’t like to admit what he was like before he got his soul. Talking to you about Darla, he wouldn’t be able to pretend that none of it ever happened.”
Connor looked at Spike with his eyes opened in shock. “Is that really why he won’t tell me anything? That doesn’t make any sense. My fath….., the man who raised me, Holtz, he told me all about Angelus and Darla, about all the thousands and thousands of people they slaughtered over the centuries. That was why I tried to kill Angel, that was why I had so much trouble believing that Darla could have loved me. I was raised to believe that both of them were monsters and that my whole purpose in life was to kill Angelus. Now your saying my dad won’t tell me about my mother because he doesn’t want me to know the truth about him.” The tone of incredulity in his voice had brought the volume to a shout as he clenched his hands into fists.
Speaking loudly himself, Spike shouted back “No, that’s not what I’m telling you. I’m telling you that your fathers past torments his soul. Talking about Darla just makes the torment that much harder.”
Connor had risen up in his chair and was in a crouch, he looked as if he were ready to attack Spike at any moment. Shouting, he said “If my fathers soul torments him so much he can’t even talk about Darla, then how come your soul doesn’t do the same thing?”
“Because my soul isn’t a curse, you pillock!” Spike shouted back as he also rose to his feet.
It was hearing Dawn gasp in surprise that brought Spike back to himself and drained all the anger out of him. Turning toward her he could read the surprise, and hurt, on her face.
“Were you even going to tell me?” Dawn whispered, her voice quavering.
“Niblet, the soul was never important between us.” Spikes voice had dropped, taking on an almost pleading quality. “You never cared about the soul before, I didn’t want you to think that it had anything to do with me coming back. I came back for you, Bit. You needed me, and I needed to come back to you. The soul didn’t get a vote.” As Spike was speaking to Dawn he had knelt down on the floor in front of her. He started to reach out to touch her, but stopped, afraid she wouldn’t let him.
Dawn heard Spikes words and the pleading sound in his voice. She even heard him admit that he now had a soul. But it was his hesitation that broke through her shock, seeing him become afraid to touch her. Dawns eyes filled with tears as she threw herself at Spike and wrapped her arms around him. Spike franticly wrapped his arms around her and held her tight against his chest. Spike was talking, in a voice so low it was nearly a whisper, that he was sorry for not telling her, he just didn’t want it to make a difference between them. Dawn was talking in an equally low voice, telling Spike that she didn’t care about the soul, that she’d never cared about the soul. She told him how much she loved him and that nothing would ever make that change. Spike was telling her how much he loved her too. Both of them were crying and holding onto each other tightly.
As angry as Connor was feeling, hearing Dawn gasp in surprise and seeing the hurt look on her face drained the anger right out of him. It only took moments for him to understand that Spike hadn’t told her about his soul, that he hadn’t wanted it to make a difference between them. Hearing them cry and tell each other how much they loved each other felt like eavesdropping to Connor as he sat back down in his chair and tried not to listen, to look away, to not be noticed.
When the room became quiet again, Connor looked over at the couch and saw that Spike was sitting on it again. Dawn was in his arms sitting across his lap, her arms were wrapped around his neck and shoulders with her head resting on his shoulder. Her face was turned toward his so that she could see him. There were tear streaks on her face, but she had stopped crying. Spike had also stopped crying, but Connor could see that he was still shaken by what had just happened.
Spike was holding Dawn in such a way that he had to look at Connor over one of Dawn shoulders. Clearing his throat first, he said “I’m sorry for getting angry Connor. It just seems every time I talk about Angel I end up getting that way.” When Connor nodded his head in acceptance, Spike asked “I’d appreciate it if you kept what was said to yourself. But would you tell me how you knew I had a soul in the first place?”
“Sure” Connor said, his voice back to normal. “Fred told me, after your visit.”
A puzzled look came to Spikes eyes and it was in his voice too. “Fred told you? How did she know, I didn’t tell her about it.”
“No you didn’t, but Fred’s really smart” Connor said, with real admiration in his voice. “She’s probably the smartest person I’ve ever met. She told me that she saw you wearing a cross around your neck. She said that she knew immediately that there was something special about you, because a vampire shouldn’t be able to wear a cross, even one with a soul. She still hasn’t figured out how you can wear a cross, but she was certain that you’d have to have a soul to do it.”
Hearing Connor say that Spike wore a cross around his neck had Dawn rubbing her finger tips over Spikes chest until she located it under his t-shirt. She then just stuck her hand down his shirt until she found it and pulled it out into sight. It wasn’t a big cross and it was thin, but it was silver on a silver chain. As she studied it she noticed that something was etched on it, words across the cross bar, but she couldn’t read what it said.
Spike was still talking to Connor “Did she tell everyone what she saw, what she thought it meant?”
“No, I don’t think she told anyone else. She said that she thought that maybe Lorne might know, but he hasn’t said anything about it to her” Connor replied. “I think she only told me because she figured out that sooner or later I’d probably come to see you, to ask you questions.”
“Did she tell you why she didn’t tell Angel, or anyone else” Spike asked?
“She just said that it was your business and if you’d wanted Angel to know about it you would have told him. Fred trusts you, she say’s your ‘special’.”
Spike had been so occupied talking to Connor that he was a little taken by surprise when Dawn asked “What’s it say, on the cross?”
Spike hesitated for a few moments, but when Dawn gave him her ‘come clean’ look, he sighed and told her. “It says ‘Hand of God’.”
Dawn looked at the cross again and said “Cool”, then slipped it back inside his t-shirt. Looking directly into Spikes eyes, she whispered to him “Your going to tell me everything, right? No more secrets?”
Spike sighed, but looking back at Dawn he said “Everything, but not now, okay?” Dawn just nodded her head in agreement.
Looking back over at Connor, Spike asked “So Boy, … Connor, can I depend on you not to mention the soul to anyone?”
Connor nodded his head and replied “Sure, like Fred said, it’s your business.”
A feeling of relief washed over Spike and he let himself relax. As he sat there a thought came to mind and he looked over at a window, the sun was setting. Giving Dawn a little squeeze to draw her attention, when she raised her head from his shoulder to look at him, he asked “You up to going out for a bit, it’s important.”
The idea of going out was a little frightening, but Dawn nodded her head anyway. “If it’s important, I can do it.”
Looking over at Connor, Spike said “I know you can fight, you any good with weapons?”
Connor grinned “You got an ax?”
Dawn got off Spikes lap and they all went over to Buffys weapons chest in the corner. Opening it up, Spike selected a short sword for himself and pulled out an ax for Connor. They both picked out a wooden stake too. Dawn hesitated for a few moments then picked up a stake for herself. Spike gave her a look of concern, but she just gave him a little smile and shrugged her shoulders. Spike grinned back at her, but didn’t comment.
They all put on their coats and as soon as the sun was low enough that Spike knew he was safe they left the house. Spike led the way and it was only a few minutes before Dawn realized that they were heading for Spikes old crypt. She asked him about it and he explained that he use to have a secret hiding place at his old crypt where he’d kept a box with old mementos in it. There were some old pictures in the box and some of them had Darla in them. Connor immediately got excited and would have walked faster, but he didn’t know where the old crypt was located. As they got closer to the crypt Dawn cautioned both Spike and Connor not to get their hopes up to high. She then explained that Spikes old friend Clem had lived in the crypt for awhile after Spike had left Sunnydale, but he got run out of it by a group of demons that wanted to take it over. Buffy had gone in after the demons and killed them all, but from what she’d told Dawn later, they’d pretty much trashed the place.
When they got to the crypt it was full dark by then. Spike morphed into vampire mode, which gave him better control over his senses. Reaching out with them he tried to detect the presence of anyone, vampire or demon, that might be in the crypt. Not detecting anything he led the way to the door, which he immediately could see had been knocked off it’s hinges and was laying on the floor inside the crypt. Seeing how dark it was inside, Spike hesitated about taking Dawn inside, but at the same time didn’t want to leave her outside. Dawn gave him a grin and pulled a flash light out of her coat pocket and turned it on. Spike led the way in with Dawn behind him and Connor bringing up the rear. Once inside Spike could see what Dawn had meant by the crypt having been trashed. Everything that remained of his old furniture had been smashed to pieces. Looking around he found a small candle stub and lit it. Going to the trap door that led to the lower level he saw that it too had been smashed and the ladder was missing.
Setting the candle stub on the edge of the opening, Spike dropped down through the opening. Dawn became nervous because Spike wasn’t with her and started moving the flash light all around searching every corner. Connor could see how nervous Dawn was becoming and moved up closer to her to reassure her, which only made her more nervous. Closing her eyes and taking in deep breaths, Dawn forced herself to calm down. When she opened her eyes again she could see Connor looking at her with concern on his face. Frowning at herself, Dawn said quietly “Your probably thinking I’m a big wuss, aren’t you?”
Connor looked back at her, a slight puzzled look in his eyes, and asked “Why would I think that?”
“Me being all scaredy cat for one reason” Dawn replied, her nervousness showing in her voice.
Connor shrugged his shoulders, then told her “If I wasn’t holding an ax in my hands I’d probably be a little scared myself. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid you know. Where I grew up being afraid was how you stayed alive. It’s just that you can’t let the fear take over and control you, because if you do, then the fear wins.”
Talking with Connor was helping Dawn stay calmed down so she asked him about where he grew up. He told her it was a hell dimension and he and his fath…. the man who raised him, Holtz, were the only humans. They’d mostly lived in the jungles, but sometimes up in the mountains. The whole world was filled with demons and monsters. He’d grown up fighting and killing them, mostly for survival, but sometimes because he was good at it. By the time Holtz found a way for them to come back to this world all the demons that lived anywhere near to him were afraid of him and usually kept their distance.
Dawn was about to ask him a question when she heard a noise behind her. Spinning around she pointed her light at the hole Spike had gone down and saw him climbing out of it. Once he was out he announced that the lower level was in even worst shape than the upper level and that the box was missing from where he’d hid it, but he couldn’t find any trace of it’s contents. That was why it had taken him so long, looking to see if the contents had been scattered around the room, since what was in the box wouldn’t have been of any value to anyone but him. Connor was disappointed, but he shrugged it off.
The walk home was slower than the walk to the crypt because Dawn was talking to Connor about different things. Some of it was about the hell dimension where he’d lived, but some of the questions were about what he did in L.A.. Spike didn’t talk very much, mostly he listened and acted interested. He was also the one who had slowed down the pace of the walk. What Dawn didn’t know was that Spike was secretly pleased that she was talking so openly with Connor and didn’t seem so nervous around him. Spike thought that Dawn felt safe around Connor, like she felt she could trust him. Spike knew that it was important that Dawn start feeling safe around other people. If she didn’t she’d always be afraid and never get back to being her old self again.
When they got back to the house they could see that all the lights were on. Spike knew that when they left the house they hadn’t left the lights on in that many rooms. Opening the front door cautiously he entered first with Connor right behind him, Dawn brought up the rear this time. Dawn called out “Hello, Buffy, anyone here?”
A noise came from the upstairs and Spike positioned himself at the foot of the stairs. When Buffy appeared she was at a full run and came charging down the stairs, he could see that she was crying. Spike barely got out of her way before she rushed past him and threw her arms around Dawn. When Buffy started talking it all came out in a rush. “Oh God Dawnie, are you alright? I was so scared. When I got home and you weren’t here I didn’t know what to think because you haven’t gone out in so long except for your walks with Spike, but you weren’t outside and I went up and down the street both ways and I couldn’t find you. I searched the whole house for you. I called Giles but he didn’t know where you were and then I saw that the weapons chest was open and some of the weapons were missing and I got even more scared. I thought something had attacked the house or something, I don’t know, but there wasn’t any damage to the house so I thought you’d had to run away from whatever was after you and I was going to search for you, but I didn’t know which way to go or where to search. God Dawnie, I was so scared, are you alright? Where were you? Why did you have to leave the house? Is something after you? Please Dawnie tell me your alright.” The tears were still flowing down Buffys face, but they were more in relief now than in fear. The panic and fear was leaving her voice, but she was still upset.
Connor had stepped back in shock, he’d only seen Buffy a few times in L.A., but she’d never behaved like this. Spike had also stepped back, but a look of guilt was written all over his face. He was blaming himself for Buffy being so upset and worried over Dawn. It was his fault, he should have left a note or something saying where they went, or he should have just waited for Buffy to come home and left Dawn behind.
Dawn was feeling overwhelmed by Buffys behavior and her reaction to Dawn being gone from the house. She was hugging Buffy back and was trying to tell her that she was find, that she was alright, that nothing had happened. She was actually almost feeling happy at the reaction and the way Buffy was behaving, when she looked over at Spike and saw the look on his face. Seeing the pain and guilt in his eyes shocked her into action. Pulling back from Buffy and grabbing her by the arms she gave her a little shake and almost yelled “Buffy, I’m alright, calm down.” When Buffy paused and took a breath, Dawn started speaking before Buffy could start up again. “It’s okay Buffy, every things fine. There isn’t any danger, no one is after us. We just went over to Spikes old crypt to look for something he’d hid there, that’s all. Spike and Connor took weapons just to be safe, not because there was a real danger.” Pulling the stake she had in her pocket out and showing it to Buffy, she said “See, even I had one, just in case, but there wasn’t any danger and we didn’t really need them. I’m sorry we worried you Buffy, I’m really sorry, but were all okay, nothing happened.”
Buffy stood there and started to shake as the nervous energy started to bleed off. Looking at Dawn, fresh tears started down her face. “Oh God, Dawnie, I was so scared.” The panic was gone from Buffys voice now, she was calmer, but still shaken. “I can’t stand the thought of something happening to you again, it just made me crazy. I know you were with Spike and I know that he’d do anything to keep you safe, but please, the next time you guys go out could you leave me a note or something.” Buffy was trying to laugh the situation off, she was trying to smile and make light of her own panic, but she wasn’t very convincing about it.
Just then Giles came rushing through the still opened front door and he was almost as upset and panicked as Buffy had been. So calming him down and explanations had to start all over again. The whole time Dawn was reassuring Buffy and Giles that she was perfectly alright, she kept an eye on Spike. She could see that he was reacting to both Buffys and Giles distress and was blaming himself for it. As soon as she was able she pulled away from both Buffy and Giles and moving up to Spike she wrapped her arms around him. Spike stood there stiffly for several long moments until he finally raised his arms from his sides and wrapped them around Dawn.
Buffy had been so worried and upset over Dawn that she hadn’t paid any attention to Spike. But once Dawn pulled away from her and moved over to Spike to wrap her arms around him, she saw his face. The pain and guilt on his face was easy to read, even for Buffy, because she had seen that look on his face before. Feeling she had to say something to ease the situation, Buffy moved up behind Dawn to where she could see Spike close up and spoke to him. “Spike, I’m sorry I got all panicky girl on you. I know you’d never let anything happen to Dawn.” Buffys voice was soft and sincere as she spoke. She’d noticed that Spikes first reaction as she approached him was to stiffen up a little, but as she spoke to him some of the tension seemed to lessen and some of the pain seemed to leave his eyes. “It’s just, next time when you guys go out somewhere, could you leave a note, so I don’t go all crazy again.” Giles had moved up close too and had noticed the strain that Spike was under, he too could see the pain in Spikes eyes. Trying to sound as pompous as possible, Giles said “Yes definitely, a note would have been in order. The next time the two of you go gallivanting about please inform someone. I’m quite certain that I may have ground a gear off in my transmission when I missed a shift on the way over here.” When Spike cocked an eyebrow at him, Giles smiled at him in return. Both Buffy and Giles could see the tension lessen in Spikes body language, and the pain in his eyes was mostly gone, he even smiled a little at Giles.
Trying to lessen the tension more and get Spike to actually respond to her, Buffy said “I wish you guys would have told me you were thinking of going to the crypt, I could have told you that it was pretty much trashed down to small rubble. Clem and I went through it after I killed off the demons that took it over and there wasn’t much left. What were you looking for anyway?”
Spike hesitated to speak, so Dawn spoke for him. “Spike had a small wooden box hidden there that he thought might have survived the demons. But he looked for it and it was gone.”
Buffys eyes got big for a moment as she remembered something. “This wooden box, was it about the size of a large cigar box?”
Spike looked at Buffy and nodded his head as he spoke “Yeah, it was an old humidor for cigars that I picked up a long time ago. Use to keep it in the trunk of the DeSoto, then moved it to the crypt when the car stopped running.”
A smile spread across Buffys lips as she said “Wait” and turning from Spike ran up the stairs to her room. In just a minute she was coming back down the stairs with a wooden box in her hands with tape wrapped around the box. When she got to the bottom of the stairs she held it out to Spike as she told him “Clem found it while he was living there. When the demons ran him out of the crypt he took it with him and brought it to me. He asked me to keep it for you. He said that if you ever came back to town that I’d probably see you before he did, and he’d feel safer having me watch over it than him.”
Spike took the box from Buffy when she held it out to him, but his head was in such a swirl he just stood there with it in his hands. Seeing how upset Buffy had been over Dawn missing from the house had thrown him into feelings of deep guilt and despair. Having Dawn come back into his arms had made him feel better, and having both Buffy and Giles act as if everything was alright now had helped too. But when Buffy had said she was sorry to him, his mind had seemed to blink. Buffy never said she was sorry, at least not to him. Then when she brought the box down and handed it to him, saying that she’d kept the box for him, to keep it safe for him, that she was keeping it until he returned. Spikes brain kept blinking, as if small shocks were going off inside of it.
It was Dawn who brought him out of his space out by asking “Well, are you going to open it?”
Spike looked around as if he didn’t know what she was talking about, until he realized he was still standing in front of everyone looking at him holding his box. “Uh, yeah, sure.” A crooked half hearted smile was on his lips as he carried the box over to the couch and sat down. Dawn sat down next to him so that she could see into the box when he opened it. Looking up at Buffy from where he was sitting he told her “There isn’t really anything in here worth much, just old memories. I wouldn’t have even bothered to look for it, …. except there’s some pictures that have Darla in them. The Boy wanted to know what she looked like.” When Buffy didn’t say anything or show any disapproval he turned his attention back to the box in his lap. It was then that he noticed that there was tape wrapped around the box keeping it closed. When he looked up at Buffy there was a question in his eyes.
When Buffy saw the question in his eyes she misunderstood what he was questioning. Quickly she hurried out “I didn’t open it Spike, honest, I didn’t. When Clem gave me the box I wrapped tape around it to keep it closed, but I didn’t look inside. I put it away in my closet where it would be safe, but that was over two years ago, and I guess I forgot about it.” Seeing the look on his face change a little, Buffy misunderstood again. “I don’t mean I forgot about it, I meant that when you came back there was so much else going on and it sort of slipped to the back of my mind. I would have given it to you sooner Spike, I just didn’t think of it, that’s all.” Buffys explanation had gotten weaker at the end and just faded away to an apologetic near whisper.
Spike gave Buffy a small grin and said “That’s alright, love, it’s like I said, there’s nothing of importance in here, just memories.” He then turned his attention to the box and unwrapped the tape from around it. Spike and Dawn were on the couch. Buffy was standing to their left at one end of the coffee table in front of them and Connor was standing to their right at the other end of the coffee table. Giles was standing to the outside of the coffee table directly in front of them. No one was trying to push in to closely, giving Spike his space, but they were all curious about what he might have in the box that had seemed important enough for him to keep for so many years.
When Spike lifted the lid of the box no one else but Dawn could see what was inside of it. Dawns hand reached out quickly and snatched whatever was on top away and stuffed it inside of the pocket of the duster. Neither Connor or Giles saw what it was, but Buffy got a glimpse as it went into Dawns pocket. It was small and pink and lacy, and Buffy knew it was one of her thong’s. Spike had kept a pair of her panties in his memory box. For a moment Buffy almost blushed when she saw them, but then remembered that Spike had said twice that there was nothing of importance in the box. When Spike glanced up at her, Buffy was able to pretend that she hadn’t seen the panties.
Instead of keeping the box in his lap where only he and Dawn could see what was in it, Spike leaned forward and set it down on the coffee table so that everyone could see inside of the box. On top was a folded piece of paper, Dawn took it out of the box and unfolded it, it was a hand drawn picture of Buffy curled up and sleeping in a chair that looked a lot like Spikes old beat up comfy chair. Seeing the picture herself, Buffy thought that Spike must have drawn it himself and that he must have done it shortly after she came back from heaven and use to come to his crypt to find peace by being with him. Buffy felt her emotions filling her throat and couldn’t have spoken if anyone had said anything to her about the picture. Spike kept his eyes down and didn’t look up at her, but Dawn did and she did see Buffy trying to swallow her emotions back down.
The next thing in the box was an envelope with about a dozen photographs in it. There were three of Dawn, one of Dawn and Buffy together, six of just Buffy, one with Buffy, Willow and Tara together, and the last one was one of Joyce. Buffy recognized the picture, it had been a picture of her mom and dad that was taken a year before their divorce. Her dad had been cut out of the picture so that it was only a picture of Joyce now. Buffy had gotten tears in her eyes when she saw the picture of her mom and Dawn had gripped Spikes arm when she saw the picture too. Spike had looked up at Buffy, she could see the look in his eyes, as if he expected her to say something negative about him having a picture of her mother. Instead, Buffy gave him a smile and said “Mom liked you Spike. I think she’d like it that you wanted to remember her.” When a tear came to one of Spikes eyes, he ducked his head so that no one would see it, but Buffy had already seen it.
The next envelope in the box was bigger and it was on the bottom of the box. Inside the envelope were old pictures that had a sepia color to them. Spike spread the photographs out as he went through them. There were several pictures of Drusilla, a couple of Drusilla and Darla together, two of Angelus and Darla together, two of Spike and Drusilla together, one of each of them alone, and one that had all four of them posed together. Spike sorted all the pictures that had Darla in them to one side, except the group picture of the four of them, and handed them to Connor. The others he put back into the envelope they had come from and put them to one side. As Buffy had watched Spike sort through the photographs it came to her how important those pictures must have been to Spike because all of them were over a hundred years old and he had been carrying them around with him for all these years. A stab of pain pierced Buffys heart and guilt filled her thoughts, she couldn’t stop the thoughts of all the times she had told Spike that he couldn’t feel real feelings, real love, because he was a soulless monster. Just seeing those pictures proved once again that she had lied to herself about Spikes ability to feel and love, because she had been so uncertain at the time of her own ability to feel anything or love anyone.
Spike was going to close the box, but Dawn stopped him, she wanted to see the rest of the things in the box and know what they meant to him. There was a piece of red ribbon that Spike said he kept because Dru had worn it in her hair one time. There was a small silk rose, the kind that a man would wear pinned to the lapel of his dinner jacket. Spike spoke quietly, but Buffy could hear him as he explained that one time he and Dru were in Paris and a little girl was selling them on the street. She made them herself, then sold them on the street outside of the theaters or in front of restaurants that wealthy people went too. Spike told Dawn that Dru had wanted to eat the girl, but for some reason he couldn’t let her do it and ended up giving the girl all the money he had on him, a couple hundred pounds, for the one rose. He said he took Dru away from the girl and found her someone else to eat. As Buffy listened to the story it struck her how sweet and sensitive the story was and also how horrible it was at the same time. But what amazed her even more was the way Spike told the story to Dawn as if he didn’t have anything to hide from her or be ashamed of, and at the same time how excepting Dawn was of the story without any sign that the story upset her in any way. It came to Buffy that it was the total acceptance of Spike, as he was in the past and as he was now, that made the bond between them so strong. Dawn never sat in judgment of Spike, she had excepted him as her friend and she had loved him and let him love her in return.
There were other things in the box, a ticket stub from a Ramones concert, a key that opened the front door of his home when he was still living, a small notebook with writing in it and other loose pages stuffed inside of it. Spike wouldn’t let Dawn open it, saying it was personal, like her diaries. Dawn didn’t argue about it. Spike reached into the box and lifted out a small little ring made of gold with a small emerald mounted on it. Without hesitating, Spike took Dawns right hand and slipped it on one of her fingers. He told her quietly that it had belonged to his mother and he wanted her to have it now. Tears came to Dawns eyes as she hugged Spike and thanked him several times. There were other things in the box to, but there was one thing that drew Buffys attention. It was a silver ring with a skull face on it.
Connor was busy looking at the pictures of Darla, his mother. This was the first time he’d ever seen what she looked like. The few descriptions that he had received of her weren’t the same as seeing her for himself. Giles was standing next to him looking at the pictures also. He mentioned quietly that there was a copy place in town that could make excellent reproductions of the originals that would even be in the sepia tones. Connor kept going through the pictures again and again, but kept coming back to one that showed Darla and Angelus together. They were both smiling and looked extremely happy together.
Dawn suddenly announced that she was starving to death and needed to eat. It was agreed that they would order in pizza from a place Spike liked because they also sold chicken wings and would usually deliver quickly. They ordered three pizzas and a double order of hot spicy chicken wings. Dawn went off to the kitchen to call in the order and to get out plates and napkins for everyone and set them up in the dinning room. Giles was talking quietly to Connor about what it might cost for reproductions and how many he might want and if he might want any of them blown up to a larger size.
Spike had put all of his things back into the box and was standing up with it in his hands. Buffy thought that he was going to put it away somewhere and approached him before he could leave the room. Hesitating at first, not knowing how to say what she want to say, to make the request she wanted to make. Spike noticed Buffy standing just a few feet away from him, he couldn’t help but notice the way she was fidgeting around twisting her fingers together. He didn’t say anything to her, but he looked at her with a question in his eyes.
Buffy took a deep breath and started talking fast. “Spike, I’d like to ask you a favor, or actually ask you for something. I saw it in the box, I mean you said that you didn’t really care anymore, but of course you cared once, you’ve kept all those things for so long, you must have cared once. But, I mean if you don’t really care anymore, I was wondering if I could have it? I mean, you don’t have to give it to me, of course you don’t have to, it belongs to you, but if it doesn’t mean anything to you anymore, I was wondering if I could have it.”
Spike couldn’t think of anything in the box that Buffy might want, until the thought came to him that maybe she wanted one of the pictures of Angelus. It brought a stab of pain to Spikes heart that she might want a picture of Angelus, but then again Angelus was Angel and she might not have any pictures of Angel. Hiding his pain and the way he was feeling inside, his voice all quiet and controlled, Spike said “Buffy, anything you want you can have, just tell me what you want and it’s yours.”
Buffy let out a small sigh, partly because Spike had agreed, but partly because he agreed to give her what she wanted so easily, as if it really didn’t matter to him. Spike knelt down and placed the box down on the coffee table again. Opening it he pulled out the envelope with the pictures in it and offered it up to Buffy. She looked down at him with a puzzled look on her face, it was also in her tone of voice when she said “Spike I don’t want any of those pictures?” When Spike continued to kneel there looking up at her, she finally realized that she had never told him what she wanted. With her face turning red from embarrassment she rushed out “I’m sorry, I didn’t say, I’m sorry, I … I don’t want any of the pictures. I was hoping that maybe …. I could have the …. ring.” Spike was still looking up at her with a look on his face that clearly said he didn’t understand. “I mean, you don’t have to give it to me, but it was the only engagement ring anyone ever gave to me. I mean, if it doesn’t mean anything to you anymore. I mean, I think it ….. I mean I know that it would mean something to me.”
The look on Spikes face was clearly shock as understanding of what Buffy was asking for registered. Tentatively he picked the ring up from the box and offered it up to her. For a brief moment the same thought passed through both of their minds, the first time Spike had got down on his knees and offered Buffy the same ring. A smile spread across Buffys face as she reached for the ring, a similar smile was starting to touch Spikes lips as their fingers touched.
As their fingers touched Spike jerked back from Buffy and fell to his back as a roar of pain escaped his throat and he grabbed his head. Buffy was shocked, but immediately knelt down and grabbed Spikes hands where they were gripping his head. She was asking in a loud panicky voice “Spike, what’s the matter, what’s wrong?” She was gripping his hands tightly trying to pull them away from his head so that she could see his face and see what was wrong. Spike started to convulse on the floor as if electrical shocks were passing through his body.
Giles was the first to understand what was happening as he rushed over to Buffy and grabbing her by the shoulders pulled her back from Spike as he shouted to her “Buffy, let him go, your killing him.”
Dawn had rushed back into the living room and seeing Spike on the floor writhing in pain she dropped to her knees and clasping his head between her hands she bent over him and spoke soft gentle words to try to sooth him and ease his pain. Buffy was watching Dawn do what she had wanted to do and couldn’t understand what was happening. Looking over at Giles with panic in her eyes, she nearly shouted “Giles, what’s going on? What did you mean I was killing him. What’s wrong with Spike? What’s happening?”
Giles had moved over next to Spike and kneeling down was looking him over. There was blood seeping out of Spikes nose and running down the side of his face. He had his eyes closed tightly and was breathing heavily. Speaking softly, Giles asked “Spike will you be alright? Is there something we can do for you? Are you still in pain?”
Spike started laughing. It was a weak laugh, and his pain was evident in his voice when he spoke. “Told you Watcher, retribution. Bloody things rewired itself. Tell her, she doesn’t need to be afraid anymore.”
Buffy heard Spikes words but didn’t understand what they meant. Looking at Giles she could see by the look on his face that he did understand. Forcing the panic out of her voice, she spoke to Giles. “Giles, what’s he talking about? What’s wrong with Spike?”
Giles rose to his feet and walked over near the fireplace, taking his glasses off he started to clean them with his handkerchief. Buffy allowed Giles this time, she knew he needed it to gather his thoughts before speaking. Rising to her own feet she stood in front of him with her arms folded across her chest and waited. When Giles put his handkerchief away and put his glasses back on, he looked up at Buffy and started speaking. “Shortly after Spike left Sunnydale his chip started misfiring and nearly killed him. By the time he was able to function and think coherently again, the chip had stopped functioning altogether. Spike was of the opinion that it must have burned itself out from firing so much. Apparently that wasn’t what happened at all. You’ll remember that before he left the chip wouldn’t let him harm other humans, but it didn’t react to you at all. It now appears that the chip has no reaction to other humans, but if he so much as touches you it fires at full strength. That’s what Spike meant, that you don’t have to be afraid of him any longer, if he so much as touches you, the chip will render him helpless.”
Buffy heard Giles words and as if in a daze moved over to the couch and sat down. For several minutes she ran the words through her mind until she understood what he had said and the ramification for Spike, and for her. Buffys face seemed to twist in pain, tears came to her eyes and flowed heavily. Bending herself over she buried her face against her knees, bringing her arms up to wrap around her head. Heavy sobs started to wrack her body as she cried. Giles knelt down next to her and tried to sooth her, but he knew there was nothing he could say that would change or alter the situation. Giles was the only person that knew the secrets of Buffys heart. Not because he wanted to, but because there was no one else with whom Buffy felt she could share her secrets. On more occasions than he wanted to count Buffy had shared her feelings of overwhelming guilt, shame and remorse for her behavior and treatment of Spike during those months after she returned from heaven. On numerous occasions he had watched her cry as she voiced her regrets for what she had done to him, how she had mistreated him, hurt him. And now, here they were, through no fault of either one of them, bring pain back into each others lives again. Giles gazed up at the ceiling, as though looking to heaven, and the thought passed through his mind that if there really was a God, he or she, must have a very perverse sense of humor.
**
Dawn led the way up the stairs while Connor and Giles carried Spike up to Dawns room. Buffy followed behind them, unable to assist in any way. They laid Spike on the bed and took his boots off of him, then pulled a blanket up over him. Dawn was up on the bed with him, touching his head and face, whispering to him softly, trying to sooth him. Buffy stood in the doorway watching, feeling helpless. With no one even noticing, she backed out of the doorway and went to her room, locking her door behind her. Sitting on the edge of her bed she stared off into space, lost in her thoughts and the pain that she was feeling.
At some point in time there was a tap on her door and Giles quiet voice speaking to her, but Buffy was so lost inside her thoughts she didn’t hear or respond. For hours she sat there thinking about the chip inside Spikes head and what it had done to him. Giles had said that the chip had changed itself and that it now only reacted to her. That at the slightest touch from Buffy it would now fire off inside Spikes head and render him helpless. Render him helpless. At the slightest touch from her. Tears ran down her face as these thoughts kept revolving in her mind. Buffy didn’t know how the chip had changed, but she knew that the change was her fault. That she was the reason Spike had been hurt tonight. That she was the reason he was in pain.
Memories of fantasies and dreams that someday Spike would return and she would have the chance to apologize. To make him understand how sorry she was for the way she had treated him. To maybe have a chance of starting over with him, as friends at least, or more, if he might still want there to be more. If he still had any feelings left for her. If he still cared at all. But now that chance was gone. Sure, there was still the chance of them being friends again, distant friends. They could never be the kind of friends that he and Dawn were, being able to touch each other, hold each other, comfort each other. They would never be able to touch hands in even the most innocent of ways. She would never be able to give him a hug or even a kiss on the cheek. He would never be able to reach out and brush a strand of hair out of her face, like he had done at times in the past, like she had seen him do unconsciously with Dawn earlier that evening. She wouldn’t even be able to help him if he were injured, because her touch would hurt him even more. The ache inside her heart seemed to grow and grow, she was certain that soon it would break in two and she would cease to exist.
For the first time, ever, Buffy looked inside herself and admitted without hesitations or reservations, without denial or fear of consequences that she loved Spike. She admitted to herself that she had loved him before he left, before that night, before she had beaten him down again and again with rejection. She opened her heart and admitted that it had been her own fear that had prevented her from acknowledging his love, or her own hidden feelings for him. She admitted that she had been scared to near panic at the thought of loving another vampire. She even admitted that what she had feared most wasn’t that Spike was soulless and couldn’t feel love, because in her heart she knew he could feel love. What she had feared most was that even with a soul she was the one who couldn’t feel love. Spike had been able to make her feel when he touched her, kissed her, had sex with her. But as soon as he stopped the emptiness came back, and she had blamed him for it. It had been easier to blame Spike than to blame herself. It had been easier to tell him that she could never love him because he was soulless and what he called love wasn’t real, only empty obsession. It had been easier for her to use him and abuse him when she could tell herself that his feelings weren’t real. Denial of the truth had always been the easiest way for Buffy to deal with her life when it came to her feelings for Spike.
Buffy had gone through all of these thoughts and admissions before, but this time she didn’t allow herself a speck of denial or self delusion. This time she faced the full and honest truth of her feelings, she loved Spike with all her heart. And now that she had faced the truth, admitted to it fully, it was breaking her heart.
*
The first light of dawn was coming through the window when Buffy rose from her bed. Her face was blank of emotion, her eyes lifeless. Quietly she opened her door and just as quietly went down the stairs. When she reached the bottom of the stairs she noticed the boxes of pizza and the bag of hot wings sitting on the small table near the door. Giles must have paid for them when they arrived, but because of Spike being hurt no one had eaten. Spikes memories box was still sitting on the coffee table. Buffy opened the box, but what she wanted was missing. Getting down on her hands and knees she started searching the floor. It took several minutes for her to find it, but when she did she snatched it up immediately. Climbing back up the stairs, making as little noise as possible, she reentered her room and closed the door behind her. Going over to her dresser she picked up a silver chain and cross. Unclasping the chain she pulled it free of the cross. With trembling fingers she threaded the chain through the ring and raising her hands locked the clasp behind her neck. Walking over to the bed she climbed up on it. Lying on her side, her head on a pillow, legs drawn up, one hand tucked up under her chin, the other wrapped tightly around the ring, she closed her eyes. As exhaustion took over her body she slipped into sleep, tears leaked slowly from her eyes.
****
(02/28/06)
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