I see others talk about things concerning what exactly is happening with their lives and how it usually involves conflict with others in the family or something. You set a shadow around yourself, and you either want to stay in that shadow due to not enough confidence, or try your best to break out of that shadow, seperating yourself from everyone else in a new kind of way.

This ain't the case when you're the only one in the house.

I don't wish to be focused on all the time. It's become too repetitive to be of any worth at this point. When there's another person inside the house, there's no guessing - it has to be my mom. I'm the only child my mom ever had, and my dad's way down south (look at previous entries closely). There's nobody else to shift the blame to. There's nobody else in the house you can try directly comparing yourself to. There's no rivalry. Things are so predictable, it's eerie.

Now, browsing most other blogs at random, I've come across common themes. One kind of theme is the casual one or two sentence entries that are usually updated three times a day because quick summaries work for them. The others are most likely the longer entries that try to convey their outlook towards life - and it nearly never is optimistic. There's way too many people that cut themselves. There's too many that say they're so different from everybody else when in actuality you can find a difference in just about anybody towards another one. My case is almost the exact opposite. It's not that everybody in the world doesn't understand me (just the people that don't try hard enough), but more of the fact that if I wanted to be understood, life would just become more boring. I like the mysterious "aura" that I've created by not wasting words and staring around blankly (although that could also mean I'm just tired). Nobody focuses enough on you? Ha, try being the only target of all focus by one of your parents.

I'm the only shot here. My grades are the only ones that can be looked forward to. I'm the only one that has a chance to make a lot of money for my family by taking these ideas of mine and turning them into something more. All the pressure falls onto what I do. I make one serious mistake, and nothing remains.

What bores me is that there's nothing I can compare myself to. I'd guarantee that if I had a sibling, or even just a random person that goes to school staying at my house for whatever hypothetical reason I could possibly make (such as a meteor blasting their home to pieces and them taking refuge in my place, when there's a whole bunch of other nicer places they could have gone to... I just lost where I was going with this) that I'd try to beat them in almost everything - effort around the house, school grades, who can ram the wall the hardest, anything that involves proving my superiority when compared to another, because that's the way I do things; the way I see the points of things; the reason I probably have spent way too long perfecting certain games of mine (which I will give detail on, sooner or later) only to have no convinient way to test them out, because my mom isn't exactly the best kind of competition (although my dad taught me everything I needed to know about facing another, including the sarcastic taunting), which forces me to try other methods which include showing samples of them at school, the same stupid place where I'm trying to earn the grades I was talking about, and all trying to balance this out without another source to directly pit myself against, forcing me to make up my own standards (which are usually way too lenient), doing things my own style even if nobody else I know is trying the same thing, all because my position is (now approaching the final word of this sentence) isolated.

And actually, right now I'm struggling more in my classes than I have been. I might have to change things around just so that I can stay on track without really messing up on certain classes (which has happened too often). The main things I'm pinpointing are the advanced classes I threw into my schedule.

Just one person I could directly refer to might erase all these problems that have sparked their way into this fiery mess. The only problem is finding one. They'd have to disagree with me (somebody that just agrees all the time is more like a follower, and gets really boring really quickly). They would probably have to encourage me to do things I'd rather not do (like finally finishing the new Entria chapters, heh). Most of all, they absolutely must be good competition for me; they would need the spirit to make certain challenges, brag about their wins, get up from their losses, and evilly enjoy all this at the same time. The next problem would be interacting with them. Because of my strange ability to go every direction except calling somebody's phone number about something (which is the very last resort of mine), I hardly get any calls either. Not like the conversations would be interesting or anything. ("Hey." "Hey. What're you doing?" "Nothing really. What are you doing?" "I don't know. What are you doing?" "Well, there's this homework problem that I have mastered, completely solved using every method possible, and I was just wondering if you have accomplished this as well." "Uh, sure." "Good, because I didn't get it." "Me neither." "Then why did I call you?" "Who are you?")

Currently, there's only 1 person that gets anywhere close to fitting the above description. They don't even meet all of the criteria - just most of it. Plus, they don't even go to my school, which makes them nearly exempt from this. Actually, change that 1 to a 0.

Play by yourself, and you always win. I fail to see the enjoyment in that.