SOME DREAMSM
By Carrie Alexander
PART SIXTEEN
It was now the day of the competition, which was being held at MGM Studios. It was going to be televised on ESPN. The dance portion was before the cheerleading one, so Carrie sat with Melissa backstage, watching her limber up. Carrie was helping her get ready, curling her hair and styling it.
“So, tell me more about Brian,” Carrie inquired. Melissa had gone out with him last night, and she didn’t tell Justin. Carrie hadn’t been able to go out last night either, she wanted to rest up before today. But Melissa had gone to Universal Studios with Brian.
“He’s really nice. We had fun, and I didn’t stay out too late.”
“Are you gonna tell Justin you hung out with him?”
“No! He’d freak out, so keep it a secret. Picky swear?”
“Pinky swear,” said Carrie solemnly, doing their trademark oath. She took the curling iron out of her hair. “Ok, I think you’re ready! Are you nervous?”
“No, not yet.” Melissa leaned over to stretch her arms. She was already in her costume, a red halter top that tied in a knot at her midriff, and black velvet flare pants.
Carrie stood up to go in her dressing room to get ready. “Really? I feel like I’m gonna die, and I still have a few hours to go before my performance!”
“I think it’ll hit me when I go to take the stage. Are you gonna go change now?”
“Yeah, but I’ll see you before you go on.”
“Ok, let me know if you need any help with anything!"
~*~*~*~
It was almost time for Melissa’s team to perform. The place was packed with spectators, and she felt a tiny twinge of fear now. She wrung her hands nervously as she joined her teammates to go onstage.
“Melissa!” Carrie called, running up to her. She was already in her uniform, and she had her poms in her hands.
God, she looks like a skeleton, Melissa thought as she approached. Then she saw that Justin was behind her.
“Look who I found, surrounded by fans!” said Carrie. “He’s been looking for you!”
“Justin, what’re you doing here?” Melissa asked, shocked.
“I couldn’t let you go out there without wishing you good luck!” he smiled. “And I also wanted to apologize for being such a jerk the other night.”
He took her in his arms, and hugged her close to him. Melissa closed her eyes, and relaxed her nervous body in his embrace. His just holding her made her feel so much better, and more confident to go dance.
“I was wrong to be so jealous of Brian. I’m sorry,” he said sincerely, looking into her eyes.
Carrie smiled, happy for them. They looked so cute together. Justin kissed her deeply.
“Hey, don’t you mess up her makeup, Justin, or I’ll kill you!” said Carrie, who had spent a long time perfecting it.
Then, over the speakers, came, “... And now, please welcome, the Minnesota All-Star Dance Team!”
Justin watched Melissa line up with her fellow dancers, and march onstage. She had a huge bright smile on her face.
Carrie and Justin ran to get seats to watch. JC was also there, he had saved them seats that they had reserved.
Melissa’s dance was a melody of many songs, “Nann,” “No Scrubs,” and “That Don’t Impress Me Much.” Melissa was right up front, and she made eye contact with Carrie, JC, and Justin, and gave them a dazzling smile. They screamed their voices out for her, and she did so well, she didn’t miss a beat, nor did anyone else on the team.
When the dance ended, they leapt up, clapping their hearts out and whistling for her. They knew she had nailed it.
And she had. The Minnesota All-Star Dance Team got first place.
Justin, Carrie, and JC ran backstage to congratulate her. When Justin saw her, he presented her with a single white rose. She ran to him, and he swept her up in his arms. She had tears in her eyes she was so ecstatic.
Now it was Carrie’s turn to get prepared for her routine. She told them she was going to go get ready, stretch out and stuff, and she would look for them in the crowd.
“Don’t you want any help?” asked Melissa. “Your hair or anything?”
“No, I’m all set. I just gotta, you know, get myself mentally prepared.”
Melissa understood, and nodded. She knew Carrie always needed to be alone before any performance.
“Well, good luck out there! Cheer loud!” Melissa said.
“I will, thanks.” Carrie turned to Justin and JC. “Now I hope you guys will yellalong the cheer!” she smiled.
“We’re your cheerleaders-in-training!” Justin smiled. He hugged Carrie. “Good luck, you’ll do great.”
Then JC took her in his arms and hugged her too. “You have fun out there, Care. Congratulations!”
“JC! Why don’t you congratulate me after I perform?”
“Because you’ve gotten this far, you deserve congrats now. I know you’ll be amazing.” He ksised her on the cheek. It made her tingle with delight.
“Ok, I’ll see you out there!” Carrie went into her dressing room. There was no one else in there.
Her head was pounding, and her stomach was all in knots. She hadn’t eaten a thing all day, she was way too nervous.
Carrie took out her wallet, and opened it to a picture. It was she and her dad, when Carrie was just 8 years old, on the boardwalk in Charleston, South Carolina, where his family was from. This was one of the few pictures she had of him that were just him and her. He was teaching her to feed the pelicans, knelt down next to her as she tossed pieces of bread to the large birds. He was smiling and laughing, and she was shrieking in joy. Her mom had snapped the picture.
Carrie touched the photo, reminiscing of the good times when he was still alive. It was coming up on 2 years since he had died. He had passed away on June 27’th, 1997.
Tears welled in her eyes as she remembered that horrible time. “Dad,” she whispered. “Please help me out here today. I need you.”
Sometimes, she could feel his presence with her, so strong, she could almost hear his voice or smell his after-shave. Then she would focus harder on it, and it vanished. This was one of those times.
She had a quick talk, hoping he could somehow hear her, and asked him to give her guidance and strength to get through this. After she was done, she felt safer, more energized, and ready to go out there.
She jumped up, grabbing her yellow and black poms. Her head suddenly swam with faintness. I just stood up too fast, that’s all, she thought, opening the door to go join her team as they waited for their run-on.
PART SEVENTEEN
“... Wisconsin All-Star Cheer Squad!”
Carrie pumped her legs, and did her opening tumbling pass across the floor with her teammates. The crowd cheered. She could hear Justin, Melissa, and JC screaming her name.
Carrie was basing for the entire thing, as well as tumbling. She knew the routine inside out. The music pumped the crowd up. It was Janet Jackson’s “Go Deep,” Tone Loc’s “Wild Thing,” and New Radicals’ “You Get What You Give.”
“Jackets!” they started the cheer, “Get to it! Yell the words, let’s do it! Gimme a red!”
“Red!” the crowd yelled.
Carrie looked directly at JC. He was standing up and yelling along with the cheer. They made eye contact and he smiled at her brightly.
As Carrie got ready to do the last tumbling pass during the closing music, she could feel herself start to feel kind of... queasy. But she pushed it down, determined to finish this routine. She ran across the floor, doing back handsprings, and then ending in a swastika (it’s a cheerleading pose, NOT the Nazi symbol!) at the head of a pyramid.
Carrie smiled at the judges, and then at JC and Justin and Melissa. She felt like they had nailed it, none of the stunts fell.
Her teammates were getting up and running off. Carrie felt so tired! Her legs were like Jello. She shakily got to her knees.
Melissa, in the audience, saw her, and grabbed Justin’s arm frantically. “Justin, something’s wrong,” she said worriedly.
“Huh?” said JC.
“Look at Carrie!”
Carrie was trying to get to her feet. A few team members were still there on the floor, with her. Thankfully, the judges were gone, and didn’t see.
JC didn’t hesitate. He leapt out of his chair, amid screams from fans who recognized him in the audience, and ran down to the floor.
Carrie’s face had lost all color, and she was struggling to get up. Now people in the crowd were starting to whisper and point.
Melissa buried her head in Justin’s chest, starting to shake in terror.
JC reached Carrie. She looked up at him with desperation in her eyes, close to unconsciousness.
“JC,” she whispered. “Help me.”
He caught her in his arms just before she fell to the floor, fainting.
“Carrie?!” he said to her. But her eyes were closed, and she didn’t respond.
JC lifted her up, and transported her offstage. She felt so tiny in his strong arms.
Melissa dashed over to them, Justin right behind her. Now paramedics were surrounding JC with Carrie still in his arms.
“I knew this would happen,” Melissa cried as JC gently placed Carrie’s limp body on the stretcher.
“No, this wasn’t you fault!” said Justin, holding her as she cried.
“Yes it is! I knew she was going to give out soon, she never ate! And I knew, but I was so afraid to lose her friendship, I didn’t force her to get better!” Melissa pounded Justin’s chest.
Carrie’s lips were starting to turn blue, and her face was even whiter.
“Oxygen!” one of the paramedics yelled. Carrie’s fellow teammates were gathered in a tight huddle, watching in terror and holding hands. JC didn’t leave Carrie’s side for a second, nor let go of her hand.
“Come on, Care, don’t you DARE die on me,” he whispered in her ear. He had never seen anything like this in his life.
They pushed her stretcher into an awaiting ambulance.
“Please, you gotta let me come with her,” JC begged them.
They saw the anguish in his face. “Ok, get in,” they conceded.
“We’ll meet you at the hospital!” Justin called to JC. He took Melissa’s shaking body, and led her to his car. She could barely walk, she was so scared. Justin had to support her with his arms. She was still in her dance costume, but the joy of the day had left her.
As Justin sped to the hospital, she couldn’t stop crying in shame. “It’s all my fault,” she repeated.
“Melissa, it is not! You weren’t the one who made her starve herself. And we were there when you tried to talk to her. You were the one who said she was an anorexic the other day, remember?”
“She might die now. I can’t let her, I’ll never forgive myself for not saying or doing something sooner.”
PART EIGHTEEN
PART 18 "You did everything you could. Even if you had watched her 24/7, she still would be where she is. And she’s not gonna die. She’s the most stubborn girl I know, she’ll pull through.”
Meanwhile, in the ambulance, JC never let go of Carrie’s cold hand. She remained unconscious while they kept an oxygen mask over her face. Her heartbeat was a barely audible, slow beep on the machine.
JC kept talking to her, convinced she could hear. He told her stories.
“... and this crazy fan in Germany tried to crawl through the luggage check machine....”
They were starting to put an IV into her arm.
“Carrie, you gotta fight. If you die on me, I’ll kill you!” he ordered her, trying to remain in control.
“I never told you this, but ever since that day I first met you in the park last year--”
Suddenly, they were at the hospital now, and they started to cart her inside. JC ran alongside her.
“I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to wait here,” said a nurse.
“No, please, let me stay with her?”
“Sorry.” She shuffled him off to a waiting room as they whisked Carrie away.
Justin and Melissa ran in. They spotted JC, and Melissa dashed up to him. “Is she ok?”
“She’s still alive, but they’re working on her now. Her... her heartbeat was so weak...”
Melissa clasped her hand over her mouth. “Do they know if... if she’ll live?”
JC shrugged sadly. He had no idea what was going on. They all sat down and waited nervously.
~*~*~*~
Meanwhile, Carrie’s mind drifted along slowly in her unconsciousness. She dreamt that she was back in Charleston when she was little, seeing the ocean for the first time.
“Shelly!” she called to her sister, racing down to the water. Her little legs jumped into the first wave, and she fell on her face, swallowing a bunch of salt water....
Then she drifted to another memory, of her dancing in her recital, doing a father-daughter dance. Her dad was such a ham, dancing along with her...
Then suddenly, she was trying out for cheerleading her freshman year of high school. She was waiting at home with Melissa, for the phone call to say if she made it or not. She could remember the anticipation every time the phone rang...
Carrie drifted to her high school graduation. She sat there in the front row, looking out across the auditorium. She saw her mom and siblings. Where’s Dad? she wondered. Oh, yeah. He’s gone....
Carrie was roller blading in the park, on the boardwalk. JC and the guys were there. They started to say something to her, but she was drifting into another memory...
She was sitting with JC on the grass, watching the fireworks at Epcot. He smiled at her, and she smiled back, feeling warm and safe with him.
Suddenly, she was drifting through a misty fog, all alone. Where did JC go? she wondered. But she couldn’t feel any presence now. She started to walk, looking for someone. Then she started to run, feeling scared.
“Hello? JC?” she called out. “Somebody help me!”
It was so cold in this fog, she was all alone. She sank down to her knees, feeling helpless.
She didn’t know how long she sat there in that fog. The cold started to sink into her body, freezing her heart. This place was so scary...
“Carrie...” somebody whispered.
She looked up, peering through the mist. “Hello?”
“Carrie.” A figure appeared before her.
When she saw who it was, she leapt up. “Dad!” She ran to him.
He looked exactly the same, the way he was before the disease had started to take over his body. He was healthy and vibrant.
“Dad, I’ve missed you so much!”
“I know, Carrie. I’ve been watching you. I’m very proud of you.”
Carrie hung her head. What had she done that he could be proud of? She had made so many mistakes.
“I was there when you walked across that stage for your diploma. I was there when you got the call that you had been awarded that scholarship. I was so proud of you.”
“Dad. I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I have so many regrets, I feel like there’s no one there for me anymore now that you’re gone. I was so mean to you when you were alive. I swore I would never make you ashamed of me. And now I’ve let you down. ”
“No, don’t say that. You never let me down, you were my pride and joy, even now, after what you did to yourself. I know I made so many mistakes, too. People make mistakes. But I never stopped loving you. And I may be gone, but I’ll always be with you. You have so many people that love you. You have Melissa, she has been so good for you. And so many others.”
“Dad, I don’t wanna go back. It’s so hard! Can I go with you, please?” Carrie begged as the fog swirled around them.
“It’s not your time, Carrie. You have to fight to live.”
“No, Dad, I wanna go with you! It’s so hard, and I have felt so alone back there!”
“It’ll be a hard road ahead of you, but you’ll come out of it strong. You’re not alone. You have someone who loves you with his whole heart. You have to go back to him, he’s waiting.” A bright light shone at Dad’s back. It was so pretty.
“Wait! Dad! Who?”
He was starting to disappear back into the light. “Go back, Carrie. He’s waiting for you to come back.”
“Dad! Please don’t leave me again!”
“Remember I’ll always be with you.”
Then he was gone, and she was alone again. Carrie wanted so bad to go after him, to escape all the pain of life.
But she felt his strength. He would be with her. And he said someone was waiting for her that loved her. She turned her back on the fading light, and ran through the mist, back into the darkness, back into life.
PART NINETEEN
Melissa hadn’t moved from her seat in hours. She was still in her costume. JC and Justin had gone down to the cafeteria to get her coffee.
“Melissa?” a voice called.
She glanced up. Brian was standing in the door. He had a concerned look on his face.
“Brian?!” She got up and went over to him.
“I heard about Carrie. I thought I’d come see how you all are.”
“Oh, thank you!” she said, touched. “That’s so sweet!”
“How is she?”
“Still unconscious. The doctors don’t know if she’ll be ok.”
Brian hung his head. “I’m sorry. I know you guys are close friends.”
“She’s my best friend.” Melissa didn’t want to cry in front of him.
“Do they know how it happened?”
“Apparantly, she’s been starving herself. She hadn’t eaten a square meal in weeks, and the stress of the competition was just too much for her weakening heart, and it finally gave out. Her muscles are so deteriorated...”
She couldn’t go on.
Brian took her in his arms, and held her close to him. She felt very safe and warm in his arms. He hugged her close and stroked her hair.
~*~*~*~
Carrie opened her eyes weakly. Someone was talking to her.
“... Remember when we went to Valleyfair that one summer?” Melissa was saying. “We were in the water park all day, and got so sunburnt!”
Carrie blinked in the harsh light, struggling to wake up. She mumbled something indistinct.
“Carrie?! Oh, my God!” Melissa said, disbelieving. “She’s awake!” she called out to the doctors.
A herd of people in white coats rushed into the cubicle. Carrie tried to focus her bleary eyes. She was hooked up to a ton of machines and needles.
“Meliss?” she whispered.
“I’m here! Thank God you’re awake! We were so scared, Care!”
"What... what’s going on?”
"You fainted after the competition. It’s Tuesday.”
Tuesday? That was 3 days from the last time she had been conscious!
“Melissa?”
“Yeah?”
"Where’s JC? I want to see him.”
Melissa smiled knowingly. “He hasn’t left here for a second. I’ll go get him.”
Carrie feebly pulled Melissa back with her hand. “I’m so sorry,” she said sincerely.
Melissa smiled. “Don’t even, girl! I’ll be right back.” She left to get JC.
~*~*~*~
Melissa ran back to the waiting room that had been their home for the past 3 days. JC and Justin stood up anxiously when they saw her.
“She’s awake!” Melissa cried, running to Justin’s arms.
JC let out a sigh of relief. Carrie was awake. Everything would be better now, she would live...
“JC, she asked for you right away,” said Melissa.
“What?” he asked, surprised.
“She wants to see you right away!”
JC ran down the hall to her cubicle.
~*~*~*~
Carrie looked up at the ceiling, alone now in her bed.
"Thank you, Dad,” she whispered, closing her eyes. She remembered talking with him, in a foggy misty void, and although she didn’t remember all the details, she remembered him saying one thing very cleary: Go back. Someone back there is waiting, and he loves you very much.
At the time, she hadn’t understood who he meant, but the second her eyes opened, she knew her dad was talking about JC.
JC suddenly burst into her cubicle. Her eyes lit up when she saw him, and she grinned weakly.
“JC!” she said. “You’re here.”
He ran to her bedside, and knelt down next to her. “Of course! Where else would I be?” he said casually.
Carrie knew he was a busy celebrity, he had probably given up a lot to be here. She reached out her hand, hooked up to an IV, for him.
He grasped it firmly in his own. “How ya holdin’ up, kiddo?”
"I need to tell you something, JC.”
“Try not to talk so much, cheerleader! You should just rest.”
“JC, I had an experience. I dreamt that my dad came to me. He talked to me!”
JC listened carefully, overwhelmed. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. He told me to go back, to live. Because he said that someone was waiting for me that loved me.”
JC held her hand tighter. “Carrie, maybe you should just rest a while. You’re still weak--”
“No! I have to tell you this before I forget. When I woke up, I realized that my dad was talking about you. And you’re the reason I’m alive right now.”
JC looked deeply into her green eyes. He did love her, with all his heart, like he had never loved any other girl.
“Please tell me that what I dreamt wasn’t just a dream?”
He took a deep breath. “I do love you, Carrie. I have since the day I laid eyes on you. I never told you because I thought you didn’t feel the same way. I was afraid of gettting hurt, I guess.”
Carrie’s eyes watered with emotion. “I love you too, JC. I also have, since that day I crashed into you on the boardwalk.”
“Really?” he said, disbelieving. “You mean, all this time--”
"We were both too stubborn and stupid to realize it!” she finished.
JC leaned over and looked into her eyes. “I don’t want you to get into a relationship unless you feel you are strong enough.”
“Being with you is what’ll make me strong enough.”
JC leaned down to her lips, and delicately brushed his lips against hers. She responded, and pulled him down to her mouth, kissing him back.
PART TWENTY
2 WEEKS LATER...
It was now Carrie’s release date from the hospital. She had gained 7 pounds, and her cheeks were full and pink with life. She looked healthy and animated.
Justin pushed her wheelchair out to his car in the parking lot. Melissa walked on one side, holding Carrie’s flowers and cards she had received in the hospital. JC walked on Carrie’s other side, holding her hand tightly. He had been so wonderful for her. He never let her get down, and always supported her.
Carrie had started going to a doctor to treat her eating disorder. She realized that it was ok not to be perfect all the time, and it was ok to make mistakes. She was slowly learning to accept her body for the way it was, and to love herself.
She was also starting to love JC. Everything about him was so great. They had tons in common, and he was also a perfectionist, so he understood her. He knew what she was going through with her struggle to gain perfection in her appearance. And that was why he was so good for her, he really knew how hard it was for her.
But Carrie attcked her illness with a vigor and strength that astounded her doctors. She had been in support groups they had at the hospital, with other girls who had eating disorders. Some of them were so underweight, they couldn’t even walk. Some had no hair at all. Some had dealt with permanent health problems, like heart attacks, strokes, and so on.
Carrie considered herself lucky to be as healthy as she was now. She thanked God every day that she was alive.
Justin unlocked his car, and JC helped her into it. She was still not up to her full strength, and sometimes needed assistence, which maddened her stubborn spirit. She was determined to get as strong as she was before.
While in the hospital, Carrie found out that her squad had won first place at the competition. All the other cheerleaders had visited her, but they eventually had to fly back home. Carrie had decided she was going to take a long, much-needed break from cheerleading, the radio, and school until she got better. That added stress was part of the problem. She had to learn not to take on too much at once.
Carrie and Melissa were going to stay with JC at his and Justin’s house. But not for long. They would have to go back to Minnesota soon, and although they didn’t talk about it, everyone knew it.
They arrived at the house. A woman Carrie didn’t know rushed out the front doors.
She threw open the door to greet them. “Hi!” she said brightly. “I’m Lynn, Justin’s mom. You must be Carrie!”
Carrie nodded. She got out of the car slowly, and shook the woman’s hand. She seemed so friendly and kind, and Carrie felt at ease right away.
“And you have to be Melissa! I have heard tons and tons about you!” said Lynn, hugging her tightly.
“Hi!” Melissa said back, smiling.
“All Justin ever talks about is how wonderful you are!”
Melissa glanced at Justin, who was unloading the trunk. She smiled at him fondly. She really did love Justin, he was such a prince to her.
They got all their stuff inside, and got the girls settled in the guest rooms. Lynn had said over and over that if they needed anything at all, they could help themselves. Her house was their house.
“Wow, isn’t she nice?” Carrie said, watching Melissa unpack.
“Yeah. She’s so sweet. She said we could stay here as long as we wanted, isn’t that nice?”
“She’s like the mom I never had,” Carrie said ruefully.
Melissa knew that Carrie didn’t have much of a relationship with her family. She had been working on it in therapy, dealing with issues Carrie had left buried ever since her dad died. She knew that Carrie needed them now more than ever. Melissa, Justin, and JC were the only family Carrie had now.
Carrie flopped back on the bed and sighed loudly. “Speaking of which, when am I going to be able to go back home?”
Melissa looked up from folding her shirt. She had gotten so comfortable here in Florida, and she hadn’t really thought about her and Justin parting.
“Um, I don’t know, you’ll need an ok from your doctor first.”
“Yeah. Ugh, what a hassle that’ll be! I wonder how much fatter I’ll have to get--”
"Carrie, stop it!” Melissa said right away. “You’re doing it again.” She had learned how to stop Carrie from getting down on herself and depressed. “You know you’re not getting fat, you’re getting healthy.”
Melissa never gave her an inch. Carrie was supposed to learn that it was ok to feel sad sometimes, but to not let it consume and tear at her.
“Ok, ok!” Carrie held up her hands in surrender. “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people LIKE me!” she joked.
Melissa laughed at her Saturday Night Live impression.
“Girls!” Lynn called from downstairs. “Time for dinner!”
Carrie and Melissa raced each other to the dining room. The table was set with enough food for an army. However, Lynn had been well informed of Carrie’s apprehension around food, and had made sure not to over-stock her plate with the food. She didn’t want to overwhelm her or make her nervous.
JC pulled out her chair for her, and sat next to her proudly. She had such a vibrant glow about her now, and she was always smiling.
To Lynn’s surprise, Carrie ate almost as much as Justin, who ate a ton, not like a bird at all.
“Ooh, this is so good! Can I have more?” Carrie asked.
“Sure!” Lynn refilled her plate with delight.
TO BE CONTINUED