SOME DREAMS
By Carrie Alexander
PART THIRTY-ONE
Melissa paced the floor of the E.R. waiting room nervously. She wrung her hands, trying to think happy thoughts and prayers, for Carrie’s sake.
Justin stared at a painting on the wall. He remembered that picture from the last time they were here, the day of the competition. He had stared at that painting for hours that day. Now he was doing it again. This was like deja vu.
Joey sat with Sarah and filled her in. He told her about Carrie’s disease, how she had almost died, and gave her the whole backround.
Lance had gone back home to stay there until Lynn got back, so she could come down to the hospital.
JC sat by himself in a chair. His mind was swimming slowly through his thoughts. The doctors weren’t telling them anything. As soon as the ambulance had arrived, they had whisked her off so fast, and now they weren’t letting anyone in. But the EMT’s said JC had saved her life by doing CPR. She would’ve died without it. But they still didn’t know what was wrong. JC just sat there, concentrating on breathing and staying calm.
Just then, a doctor walked through the swinging doors.
“Alexander?” he called out.
JC leapt to his feet, his heart racing in his throat. If this doctor told him she was gone, he felt like his life would be over. He didn’t know what he’d do without Carrie by his side. He loved her so much, it physically hurt to think of the years ahead without her.
Justin stood up too, and held Melissa’s hand tightly. She leaned into him for support, and rested her hand on JC’s.
“I’m Carrie Alexander’s boyfriend. Please,” JC said to the doctor. “Is she--”
The doctor flipped open his charts. “Is there any family here?”
“Carrie doesn’t have family here.We’re all she has,” Melissa said.
“Ok. Well, I guess I can tell you this. Carrie is going to be ok.”
JC closed his eyes, and said a prayer of thanks. She was going to live. It was at that moment when JC realized that Carrie completed him.
~*~*~*~
Carrie had suffered a small heart failure. It wasn’t a heart attack, not that serious. But her heart had gotten very weak from the anorexia, and it had been working overtime. It turned out she had a congenital heart defect that no one had ever known about. It wasn’t anything anyone could’ve prevented or predicted. It wasn’t because she had snuck a coffee, or because she had gotten so upset about the article. JC had been blaming himself; he had thought it was his fault this had happened... because of the article.
The doctor said they expected a full recovery, but she may not be the same. She was weak and tired, but more scared than anything else. If her last episode of the hospital had made her determined to live, and gave her a strong will and healthy attitude, this one had frightened the vigor and strength out of her. She was very quiet and she looked at all the guys with big fearful eyes when they came into her room.
JC hung back, let Melissa and Justin rush to her bedside and hug her.
“Oh, girl, if you ever scare me like this again, I’ll kill you!” Melissa said jokingly.
“Yeah, you better get your little ass better soon, Shorty!” Justin added, smiling.
Carrie just looked at them, her eyes still had that nervous tint to them.
“JC?” she called out, peering for him.
He ran over to her. “I’m here, Care.” He touched her hand gently.
“JC... I--”
“Carrie, shh. Don’t try to talk.”
“That story...”
Sarah, who was with Joey, came over then. “Carrie, I’m sorry. That was a total misprint. JC did tell me he was dating you, but Transcon put in that lie about them all being single. He went on and on about you in the interview!”
Carrie smiled. “Thank you, Sarah.”
JC smiled too, glad she believed them. Everything would be ok now...
“JC?” Carrie whispered one more time. “I want you to do something for me...”
“What?” Anything you want.”
“Take me home.” Her eyes looked so pleading and terrified, it broke his heart.
“Sure! We’ll go back as soon as the doctor--”
“No. MY home. In Minnesota.”
PART THIRTY-TWO
JC stared back at Carrie, laying there on the hospital bed.
“What?” he asked, not wanting to believe he’d heard what he just did.
“I want to go to my home. I need it, JC, please.” Her eyes were so flat and despaired. The bright emerald glow of before was now a dull green.
“Carrie, first of all, you’re too sick--”
“No, I heard the doctor. He said I was ok.”
JC started to protest, but she cut him off.
"I HEARD him, JC! He said I can fly home. And I want to. I need to.”
Justin stood up. “Um, I think we’ll leave you two alone,” he said. He led Melissa, Sarah, and Joey outside.
“Care,” said JC. “This is your home now, don’t you think?”
But the look on her face said it all. She wasn’t at home here.
“I thought you liked it here!” JC said, starting to get frustrated.
“I do! But it’s not Florida that I love. What I love is being with you, JC. YOU are what makes me happy. But I need to see my cabin, the lakes, feel the cool air, see my friends.”
JC dropped his hand from hers, looking hurt. “And what will happen to us?”
Carrie smiled weakly. “What do ya mean?” she said nonchalantly. “We’ll be fine.”
“Carrie, I will be leaving soon to tour. I was going to ask you to come, I was counting on being with you. If you go back to Minnesota, how will we make this work?”
“Long-distance relationships can work. We’ll still see--”
“Oh, that’s bullshit, Carrie!” JC declared loudly. He stood up angrily.
Carrie just bowed her head, staring at her white hospital gown. “Well, if you want to end this--”
“You know that’s not what I want, Care. I love you, and I just want to be with you!”
Carrie looked up. “But I want to be happy, JC. If I went away with you, or even stayed here for the next few months, I would be miserable. Please, don’t be mad. I just want to be home again--”
“Carrie, if you leave, I don’t know what’ll happen to us. I don’t believe in the long-distance thing, you know that.”
Normally, Carrie would argue with him and fight about it until he saw her side. But that was gone now. Her firecracker spirit had dwindled, and she was tired of everything. Much as she loved JC, she wouldn’t sacrifice her life for him.
“So what’s it gonna be, Care?” JC asked, standing at the door, waiting.
Carrie bowed her head again, the truth in her eyes.
That answered JC’s question. “I guess what we had didn’t mean as much to you as it did to me.”
“JC, don’t you dare say that to me! You know I love you, but I can’t sacrifice this.” There were tears in her eyes.
“Well, I guess we just want different things. Neither of us is willing to change, so I guess that’s it, huh?”
Both of them knew that they were ending. When they looked at each other, they could tell. Carrie had never felt such pain or sorrow in all her life.
JC, likewise, felt like his heart was being ripped out.
“You’ll say goodbye before I leave?” Carrie whispered, her eyes brimming.
JC walked back to her bedside. He leaned over, put both his hands on either side of her face, and gently kissed her trembling lips.
“Of course I will.” He looked into her green eyes one more time. Then he turned and walked out of the room.
As he turned out the door, Carrie put her face in her hands, and broke down crying.
That’s it, she thought. We’re over. He’s gone from my life, the best thing that ever happened to me is gone.
~*~*~*~
JC got in his car to drive... anywhere. Where am I to go now? he wondered. The love of his life was now gone. He drove aimlessly, thoughts flowing through his head as meaninglessly as his driving. He remembered one song he’d heard a long time ago, by 98*:
“She’s out of my life.
She’s out of my life... ooohhh
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
I don’t know whether to live or die.
And it cuts like a knife.
She’s out of my life...”
How true is that? JC thought ruefully. Carrie is out of my life now...
~*~*~*~
Melissa and Justin saw JC leave her room. He looked so upset, they went in Carrie’s room and saw her in tears. That’s when they found out that they had just broken up.
“It was a mutual thing. He wanted me to go on tour with him, and I wanted to go back to Minnesota. So we decided to end it,” she explained.
“Oh, Carrie, no!” Melissa said.
"Yeah. But it’s for the best.”
“No it’s not,” Justin objected. “You guys are so in love!”
“Well, sometimes, I guess love just isn’t enough.”
PART THIRTY-THREE
It was the day Carrie was to leave for home. All her bags were packed, and she was about to leave their house for the last time.
"Goodbye, Lynn,” Carrie said, hugging Justin’s mom. “Thank you so much for everything.”
“Of course! Anytime,” Lynn said sincerely. “I wish you weren’t leaving, but have a safe trip home, dear. Let me know if you EVER need anything at all!”
“Ok. Bye.” Carrie walked outside where Justin’s car was waiting to take her to the airport. He and Melissa were standing next to it.
Carrie walked up to Justin. “Is he here yet?” she asked him hopefully.
Justin looked down at her, feeling terrible. “I’m sorry, Care. He’s not around yet.”
They were talking about JC. He had promised Carrie he would say goodbye before he left, but she hadn’t seen him all day. In fact, these last few days, since she had gotten out of the hospital, she had barely seen him at all. It hurt so much to see him anyway...
"Well, let’s get going. I don’t wanna miss the flight.” Carrie and Melissa got in the car, while Justin got in the driver’s seat.
As they drove to the airport, Carrie stared out the window, taking in everything for the last time. She had come to Orlando months ago, for what was supposed to be only a week, for the competition. She’d had no idea she would be leaving like this. The radio was playing 98*:
“It’s the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do
To look you and the eye and say I don’t love you.
It the hardest thing I’ll ever have to lie...”
“Hey, Care, maybe he’ll be at the airport!” Melissa said, trying to cheer her up. Deep down, Melissa prayed that JC would come and take Carrie in his arms and never let her go.
“Maybe we’ll meet again.
Fate is a place and time
So you can get on with your life.
I’ve got to be cruel to be kind...”
“Yeah, maybe,” Carrie whispered, still staring out the window, listening to the song. It was like a sign. This was the hardest thing she’d ever have to do.
“I can’t let you see what you mean to me
When my hands are tied and my heart’s not free.
We’re not meant to be.
It’s the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away,
pretending I don’t love you...”
They got to the airport, and loaded her luggage into the baggage check. Then they all walked down the terminal to her gate.
Carrie lifted her chin, trying to remain in control.
“Maybe another time, another day.
As much as I want to, I can’t stay...”
These words floated through her mind. She was doing what was in her heart, going home. But why did it have to hurt so bad?
And why isn’t JC here to say goodbye?
~*~*~*~
JC rushed to his Jeep, which was parked outside the store downtown. He threw his newly purchased bag onto the seat, and peeled out of the parking spot.
I hope I make it in time! he thought as he sped to the airport. I just can’t let her leave without--
“Oh, SHIT!” he yelled, slamming the steering wheel when he saw the flashing blue lights behind him.
He pulled over to the side of the road, cursing his bad luck. He could practically see the airport, he was so close. What a time to be caught speeding!
The cop got out of the car and strolled up to JC’s window at a leisurely pace.
“Going a little fast there, son?”
JC looked at his stereo clock. “Officer, please, I HAVE to get tothe airport NOW! This is a very urgent matter!”
Carrie’s flight was going to leave in a very short time. He had to get there, he had promised her!
“Oh, it’s always an urgent matter, isn’t it?”
JC sighed loudly, in anger. He yanked out his licence and insurance. “Ok, I don’t care if I get a ticket, but please, just hurry?!” he begged.
The cop went back to his patrol car with JC’s licence. JC waited impatiently.
He picked up the bag from the jeweler’s, and took out the small black velvet box.
He opened it to look at the huge silver-banded diamond engagement ring while he waited, his nervousness steadily growing as the minutes ticked away...
TO BE CONTINUED
PART THIRTY-FOUR
Carrie hugged Justin just before she was to board the plane. “Thank you for everything, Justin,” she said.
“Have a safe trip, Care Bear. Call us when you get in,” Justin replied, hugging her back.
“Hey, you take care of Melissa for me!” Carrie said.
No, I think I’ll take care of Justin!” Melissa said, hugging Carrie goodbye. “Are you sure you want to do this?” she asked one more time.
Carrie nodded. “I am. I’ll talk to you guys later, ok?” She started to walk away.
Melissa and Justin waved, and she blew a kiss as she handed her ticket in.
Still no JC, she thought as she glanced back one more time.
She squared her little shoulders, and walked away, on the plane.
~*~*~*~
JC ran like Forrest Gump down the concourse, the little box clutched in his hand.
I can’t miss her, I gotta tell her how I feel. He now had an $80 ticket, but he didn’t care.
He raced to the gate. He saw Justin and Melissa standing there.
Yes! I’m not too late! he thought. He looked around. Where’s Carrie?
“Where is she?” JC asked Justin without even greeting them.
Justin and Melissa looked at him sadly.
“I didn’t miss her, did I?!”
"I’m sorry, JC. She’s gone,” Melissa whispered.
“No. NO!” JC ran to the nearest observation window. There was the plane, taking off down the runway, going 2,000 miles north, with the love of his life on it.
JC had to sit in a chair. His hands encircled the ring box, and he hung his head in despair. Justin and Melissa sat on either side of him.
“I was gonna ask her to marry me,” JC said. “But now she’s gone forever.”
“No she’s not!” Melissa exclaimed. “You need to go to her. Once she finds out you want to marry her, she’ll be overjoyed!”
“No. I was too late.”
Justin made eye contact with Melissa. He slowly shook his head. He knew JC, but he also knew JC’s career. Somehow, he knew that JC wouldn’t be able to go after her.
‘N Sync was supposed to leave for their tour in a few days. Transcon would never let JC go to Minnesota, no matter what. They were a tough, ruthless management.
“Come on, JC. Let’s go home. Carrie is supposed to call when she gets in. You can talk to her then!” Melissa said hopefully. A proposal over the phone wasn’t as romantic, but she prayed Carrie would say yes.
Justin and Melissa pulled the reluctant JC up, and walked out ofthe airport. Melissa drove JC’s Jeep home, following Justin. They got there and waited for Carrie to call.
~*~*~*~
But Carrie never called. Her flight was scheduled to land in Minneapolis at 4 pm, 5 pm Florida time. At 6, when there was still no call, Melissa called the airline, and they said the flight had landed promptly at 4, no problems.
Worried, Melissa then called Carrie’s brother, who lived in Minneapolis. He had said that Carrie had arrived fine, but already left for Duluth.
Melissa relayed the information to Justin and JC. “I guess she’ll call when she gets in there, right?”
JC, who was still in a deep gloom, only nodded.
“Come on, JC, you gotta tell her how you feel!” Justin pestered.
Just then, the phone rang. “I bet that’s her now!” Justin reached for it.
“Hello?... Oh, hi, Johnny... Yeah, we know we leave soon... We’re almost ready, but could JC maybe have a couple days off?... Well, there’s this thing he has to do... In Minnesota... But--... Oh, come on!... Ugh, fine. Yes, we’ll be there.” Justin hung up.
JC looked at him knowingly. “He won’t let me anywhere near Minnesota, will he?”
Justin sat back down. “Well... Um, he said if you even try to leave so close to the tour, he’ll... Well, basically kill you.”
JC nodded. He tossed the box containing the diamond engagement ring back on the table. “I guess that takes care of that.” He started up to his room.
“JC, wait!” Melissa said.
“No,” Justin told her. “Let him be alone.”
PART THIRTY-FIVE
Carrie drove her rental car up north to Duluth, from the Cities. It was very dark out, and the pine trees that lined the highway looked black and forboding. She had decided not to spend the night at her brother’s but rather to go home right away.
She hadn’t called Justin’s, worried that JC would answer. She desperately wanted to know why he wasn’t there to say goodbye, but thought it would be too painful to even ask. A part of her didn’t want to know, hurt as she was.
She was almost home. She had called some friends over at UWS, and they were going to meet her at her place. It had been over 5 months since she had seen them, ever since the competition.
When she descended the hill over Duluth, a feeling came over her. She was home now. She felt comfortable-- depressed, but at home.
She drove to her apartment and let herself in. One of her friends had been watching the place for her. She got on the phone and called up one of the cheerleaders at UWS and told her she was in. She said she would be over soon with some other friends.
Carrie soaked in a bubble bath before her friends came over. As she was getting dressed, she looked at the phone uneasily. She knew Melissa and Justin were waiting for her call.
But it just hurt too much. I have to start to forget about that part of my life. JC is now in the past. It’s time to move on.
The door call rang, and Carrie let her friends up. Everyone hugged her and told her how they had missed her. They all exclaimed over how great she looked. She had gained weight and her figure had filled out nicely.
“Care, I want you to meet someone,” Emma, her friend and fellow cheerleader said. She introduced Carrie to Jimmy.
“Hello, Jimmy,” Carrie smiled politely and shook his hand. “Do you go to UWS too?”
“No, Emma is my cousin. I go to UMD. (*UM- Duluth*) She told me her friend was coming back into town tonight, and that I just had to meet her. So here I am!”
Jimmy seemed very nice. He had kindly blue eyes and blond-highlighted hair, and he seemed like a guy Carrie could be good friends with.
Emma suggested they all go out on the town. But Carrie said she was tired, she was just going to go to bed.
“Are you sure?” Jimmy asked, disappointed. “We could go out dancing.”
“No, thanks.” Carrie smiled. He was a nice guy, but she just wanted to be alone.
“Ok. Hey, would you mind if I called you sometime?” he asked as Emma and the others started to leave.
Carrie considered. Jimmy was a great guy. But JC still was on her mind 24/7. Her heart ached when she thought of him.
Wait a minute! We broke up, I told myself I would get on with my life. It’s obvious he’s going to, since he didn’t even bother to say goodbye today when I left.
“That would be nice.” She smiled at Jimmy warmly.
~*~*~*~
JC went outside to the back deck. It was late at night now. Carrie was probably in Duluth by now.
We spent so many nights out here just talking and talking all night, he thought as he sat next to the pool. The night sky was clear and the stars shown brightly. I wonder if the sky looks like this now up there where she is, he wondered.
God, if only I had gotten to the airport sooner, we could be engaged right now! Damn that cop!
He was going to leave any day now. A 4 month tour of the U.S. They would barely have time to sleep, let alone have any days off. JC desperately wanted to say “Screw Johnny” and go up to Minnesota after Carrie. But he knew he couldn’t. His career was very demanding, and there was no way to get out of touring. His fans were counting on them.
JC sighed, and went back inside, up to his room, to finish packing.
TO BE CONTINUED