SOME DREAMS
By Carrie Alexander
PART FORTY-ONE
JC’s eyes were now on Carrie. Melissa and Sarah, on either side of her, gripped her arm tightly in excitement.
Holy crap, he’s gonna frickin’ SERENADE me?! Here?! Her mind spun frantically.
JC was about a foot away from her now. Maybe he was just joking around. She could remember when they were down in Florida, JC delighted in trying to embarrass Carrie all the time. Especially in public. He used to do the craziest things to her! And he would get others in on all his pranks, usually Melissa or Justin.
For example, Carrie spoke fluent Spanish. JC had once convinced her that this certain part of the market place wouldn’t serve or talk to you unless you spoke European Spanish, a dialect Carrie knew.
To make a long story short, Carrie had ended up making an incredible fool of herself that day, and she swore she would hate JC forever. Practical jokes were a part of him.
So she smiled and shook her head at him, thinking this was another joke.
“I lie awake.
I drive myself crazy, drive myself crazy.
Thinking of you...
Made a mistake when I let you go baby,
I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do...”
But there was a certain earnest passion in his face and voice, she thought. JC reached across the barrier to Carrie. His hand caressed her face for a brief second...
The knowing look Carrie had in her eyes because she’d thought JC was joking around, fell. This was no joke. He was being serious!
Carrie looked away, and tried to back up. But Melissa and Sarah were both holding onto her on either side tightly.
“Let me go, you guys!” she said, feeling cornered.
Just then, JC stood up and went back to where the other guys were. Carrie breathed a sigh of relief. Everything was fine now.
They all finished the song and bowed. After a few more songs, the concert was over. Carrie was very tired, she said, and wanted to go home. She had a long drive.
“No, you can’t leave yet!” protested Melissa as they walked back stage to where the guys were.
“Yeah, we have the post-party to go to, it’s super fun!” added Sarah.
Carrie sighed. It would look very rude to just leave now. “Ok, but just for a little while.”
~*~*~*~
The club of the post-party was crazy. Tons of people were there, most of whom Carrie didn’t have the faintest clue of who they were. The party was in a dance club in downtown Bloomington, and it was packed. Carrie had decided to follow the guys to the club in her own car, since she planned to leave soon. She hoped she would be able to find them in this sea of people!
Carrie went up to the security guard and smiled. “Hello!” she said warmly. “My name is Carrie Alexander, I’m here with Melissa Correia and Sarah Wartman? Are they inside yet?”
The huge burly guard smiled back at her. “Your party is awaiting you inside, Miss Alexander. Would you like an escort?” The throngs of girls outside were pushing up against the barriers trying to get into the exclusive club. “Oh, no. Thank you, I’ll be fine,” Carrie replied. The guard let her through the velvet rope.
Carrie spotted Joey and Sarah dancing to some slow song, looking cozy. She scanned the crowd for anyone else, not wanting to bother them.
She felt a tap on her shoulder, and turned to see JC.
“Hello, my weakness!” He grinned at her. Carrie saw a glass of some potent-looking drink in his hand. Carrie could tell right away that he was drunk.
“What’s that, J?” she asked, looking at his glass.
“I don’t know, but it sure tastes good! Want some?” His voice was practically yelling in her ear.
JC was of age to drink, but he usually didn’t, for which Carrie had been very grateful when they were dating. She detested alcohol.
“JC, you know I don’t do that shit!” She tried to push past him, annoyed.
“Aw, c’mon, Care! Relax a little! Hey, I heard Margaritas are fat burners!” JC teased, thinking his joke about her weight issue was hilarious.
Carrie turned to look at him in disgust. JC knew everything about her anorexia from Day 1, and he had never said anything like that to her before.
“JC, you are wasted. Now leave me alone.” Carrie looked him straight in the eye, feeling hurt.
“Ok, Care, run away as usual!” His words were slurred. “Go back up to your wilderness retreat of a home and disappear from me again.”
Carrie started to walk away. His statement had stung her. She turned around again. She had been considering trying to reconcile with him, trying to work things out. Well, not anymore! When people are intoxicated, their true feelings always come out...
“JC, since you’re so drunk, I’m going to just let that go. Along with everything else we had. So later, Joshua. I gotta get back to that ‘wilderness retreat’ of mine! Rather be in the middle of nowhere than anywhere near you.”
Carrie stalked out of the club, pushing past the dancers and fans, not even bothering to say goodbye to anyone, and out to her car.
PART FORTY-TWO
THE NEXT MORNING...
While Carrie Alexander was waking up to the warm sunshine in her Duluth apartment, JC Chasez was rolling out of his hotel bed with a splitting headache and raging hangover.
He had foggy memories of last night. He had always made a rule to hardly ever drink, since the tour was so demanding. But last night, he needed something to sooth his ragged nerves while he waited tensely for Carrie to come to the club. And those tasty drinks were doing the trick nicely...
JC stumbled into the bathroom, and looked at his face in the mirror. His lightened brown hair was sticking up all over, his eyes were bloodshot, and he had a huge pillow line across his face. To sum it up, he basically looked like shit.
Then he remembered something about Carrie snapping at him and leaving. What had she said about the wilderness? he wondered, confused.
Then it all came rushing back to him. That mean comment he had made, referring to her anxiety about her weight. He felt sick with guilt.
“Oh, my God, how could I say that to her?” he said aloud, sitting on the toilet.
"Say what?” a female voice asked from the doorway.
~*~*~*~
Carrie now had no disillusions about where she and JC stood. She woke up the next morning feeling nothing but anger and contempt for him. When she thought of the way he’d looked last night, she really just pitied him.
Carrie showered and got ready. She was supposed to cheer at the football game today over at UWS, but she planned to go study for a while at the library and do some research for a paper. The sun was shining, and it looked warm out. A perfect day for a game, she thought. Football was so fun to cheer for.
When she got out of the shower, she saw the blinking light on her answering machine. She looked at the caller ID.
"Yeah, right, prick,” she muttered, erasing the Hotel Hyatt Minneapolis number and the message without even listening to it.
~*~*~*~
“Try her pager,” Melissa suggested when JC told her she hadn’t answered her phone.
JC paged Carrie, rubbing his temples wearily. He put in his code number, and waited.
~*~*~*~
Carrie glanced at her pager. There it was, JC’s code: 95, the year he’d graduated high school. She shook her head, and erased the page as she climbed in her car.
“What a nerve he has,” she mumbled as she started her car and drove to UWS.
~*~*~*~
After Melissa had chewed JC out for being such an unfeeling jerk, Justin did the same thing.
“I said be romantic, JC, not cruel!” he said.
“Quit yelling at me, you guys! I know I shouldn’t have gotten so drunk, but I still have a chance to get her back! I have a plan, but I need your help.”
“Why should we?” Melissa snapped. “I don’t think you deserve her anymore, JC. You were so mean to say what you did, you know how sensitive she is. The last thing you should’ve ever said was a weight joke. And to get drunk in front of her when you know how she feels about that!”
"I know! It was a big mistake, but I think she’ll see past that--”
Sarah spoke up. “JC, we are supposed to be on our way to-- where the hell are we going now?” she wondered when she realized she didn’t know.
“Where I’m going is Duluth, after Carrie. Are you guys with me or not?”
~*~*~*~
Carrie shrugged into her shell of her cheerleading uniform. She looked at herself in the mirror. There was a time when she would stare at her body for hours, hating herself, picking herself apart.
Now she could look in a mirror and see herself for what she was. It was still hard, once in a while she got down and depressed and thought she was ugly and fat. But she knew how to deal with it now. She didn’t have to starve herself to remain in control.
Carrie swept up her long streaked hair into a high ponytail, tied yellow and black ribbons around it, grabbed her matching poms, and was ready for the game.
She got to the indoor field where the other cheerleaders already were. She greeted everyone, and started to stretch.
Naturally, everyone was curious about the concert last night. But Carrie brushed off their inquiries, not wanting to get into it. She wanted to focus on the game. It was a big one, and they had a huge halftime performance to perform.
As the game got underway, Carrie was really getting into it. When she cheered, she always stayed in tune to the crowd, wanting to make sure she gave them what they wanted. If they were uninterested in cheering, or if they were super rowdy, etc...
That’s why Carrie noticed a shift in the crowd’s attention. They didn’t seem to be watching the game or the cheerleaders anymore. They were all whispering and pointing at something.
PART FORTY-THREE
“Oh, he didn’t!” Carrie said aloud.
“Who didn’t what?” one of the cheerleaders asked her.
There was JC, followed by the whole entourage. He was wearing a UWS Yellowjackets sweatshirt, trying to look like a fan.
What a nerd! she thought, almost letting herself laugh. JC just didn’t look like he fit in at all, trying as he was.
Melissa, Justin, and everyone else were also there. Carrie stared at them as they walked down the bleachers, looking for a seat.
What the hell are they doing here? she wondered. But none of them looked at her as they all sat down.
I’ll have to go over there during the next time-out. Right now they were about to start a cheer. Carrie forced herself to pretend she hadn’t seen them, and did the cheer:
“We’ve... got... spirit!
S-P-I-R-I-T, spirit!”
Carrie was focusing on the crowd when all of a sudden, she saw JC, Justin, and everyone else stand up and start to do the cheer. They didn’t have the faintest clue what they were doing, and they looked like incredible idiots.
When the chant was over, they just went absolutely nuts, screaming and yelling along, being the ultimate superfans.
~*~*~*~
“We look like total geeks!” Justin said, glancing around when they sat down. “And I doubt she even sees us!”
“No, I saw her look at us real quick just now, it looked like she was smiling,” said Sarah.
JC nodded. “That’s a good sign. As soon as possible, I’m going to go talk to her.”
Justin was feeling mortified. All these other people had been looking at them anyway since they were ‘N Sync, now they had to embarrass themselves even further, to make Carrie take notice and smile.
~*~*~*~
At the first time-out, Carrie walked over to the fence that separated the fans from the field. She made eye contact with JC a few bleachers up, and gestured for him to come over to her with her finger.
He smiled, and sauntered down the steps. “Hey, Care! Great game, huh?”
She put her hands on her hips. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
JC grinned that annoying grin she knew so well. “Enjoying a rousing game of football. I hope that defense cleans up some, they’re making a mess out there, don’t you agree?”
"Shouldn’t you be in Kansas or something by now?” Carrie asked, ignoring his small talk.
JC shrugged. “Thought I should come see you instead.” He smiled flirtatiously down at her, his blue eyes twinkling.
Carrie was unimpressed. “That cute little smile of yours doesn’t work anymore, J. Doesn’t your head hurt a little? I would think you should have a raging hangover right now.” She smiled knowingly, on to his game.
JC leaned on the railing of the fence, and looked at her. “Care, I’m sorry I was such a prick last night. You know I love you tons, it was the alcohol talking--”
“Save it, JC, I’m too busy. Would you please leave so I can do my job here?” The time-out was almost over.
JC cocked his head to the side, and smiled again. “I’m not leaving, none of us are. And until you speak to me, we’re gonna do every cheer, and be as loud and obnoxious as possible.”
“Fine, suit yourself. Get kicked out, for all I care, but I’m not going to fall for your little flirting games, JC!” Carrie smiled back at him, just as confidently and cockily.
She turned and went back in line as the band started up a pep march, and refused to look at him.
Then he did something that was incredibly embarrassing for her. During another time-out, she had just finished throwing up a basket toss, and was hitting the crowd when she saw it.
JC, Lance, Joey, Chris, and Justin were lined up, and they had all taken off their shirts.
Each one had a letter painted on his bare chest, and it spelled out “CARE !” Justin was an exclamation point. He stood on the end, glancing around, humiliated.
Carrie’s mouth hung open in shock. They yelled her name and cheered. The other girls all laughed, and patted her on the back.
Then the guys turned around, and painted on their backs was “UROCK.” Carrie thought she was going to die of embarrassment. JC sure knew how to get his way, she thought.
She was so angry, she stalked up the bleachers and went straight to JC. She took him by the arm and dragged him away, grabbing his sweatshirt as well.
“Ok, you win, since you just made me want to crawl in a hole and die! What do you want?” she asked as soon as they were away, under the bleachers.
“I want to talk with you, Care! Can we just chill?” JC pulled his UWS shirt back on.
“JC, are you TRYING to make yourself a jerk?! Why are you even here?”
“Because I decided something last night.”
"What, never to drink again?” Carrie asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Well, that too. And that I want you back.”
Carrie raised her eyebrows. “Oh, really? What an honor, can I please be your girlfriend again?” she said sarcastically.
“C’mon, Care, cut me some slack here! You know you still love me too, right?”
Carrie was so mad inside, fuming, but she pretended to be hiding it. She casually said, “Look, are you gonna leave or not? Cuz I am not talking to you again, I’m busy here.”
“Fine. I’ll just keep bugging you for the rest of your life!” JC called after her as she walked away.
Carrie turned around again. “God, you are so infuriating! I thought cockiness was Justin’s strong suit, not yours!”
PART FORTY-FOUR
JC was true to his word. During halftime, right after the cheerleaders performed, up on the scoreboard blinked the words “I love you, Carrie.”
Carrie was getting more and more flustered. JC had a stubborn personality, but so did she. All she wanted now was to go home. What had started as a fun game was turning into a sideshow.
Thankfully, the game soon ended, and Carrie dashed to her car, throwing her poms in the backseat. She could see Melissa and Sarah pointing to her, and then JC starting to run after her. She quickly started up her car and peeled away.
As she drove over the bridge to Duluth, she thought, Why does he have to do this now? Just when I thought I’d gotten over him, and decided I could forget him, he wants me back! Why are guys so bad with their timing? A few weeks ago, even a few days ago, Carrie would’ve jumped at the chance to be back with JC.
But she remembered last night. People show their true colors when they’re drunk, she thought.
She pulled into the parking lot, and got out, pulling her poms out of the backseat, and started to walk to the apartment.
Just them, a sleek black limo pulled in the complex. Carrie stopped when she saw it, and watched as JC got out. He followed me home?!
“Hey!” he said easily.
“JC, it was funny before, now it’s pissing me off!”
“So aren’t you gonna invite us up?”
“NO!”
“I can’t wait to see your place.” He slung his arm around her shoulders and started to walk her to the door.
She threw off his arm. “I said no! Go back to your tour and fans, JC. I mean it!”
“Aren’t you even a little curious as to how we all got here?”
“I’ll call the cops, I swear!”
“Our next show isn’t until the day after tomorrow, but we all boycotted Johnny and ran up here. And we all decided that none of us are going to go back to touring until you take me back.”
Carrie’s jaw dropped. “WHAT?! Are you seriously insane, JC?”
“So maybe you should just open your heart a little. A lot of fans are looking forward to those concerts!” He smiled again.
Carrie felt like punching him. “You’re so twisted, you know that?” He always could make her so mad she felt like killing him.
“Is that a smile I see? Don’t hurt yourself, Care!” JC laughed.
Just then, everyone else came running out of the limo, all talking at once.
“Hey, Carrie! Take him back cuz he made me smear that paint all over myself!” Justin said right away. Melissa smacked his arm.
“You’re such a moron, Justin!” she said. “Have a little patience!”
“Well, I guess I have to invite you all inside now,” Carrie mumbled.
“Good suggestion!” said JC. They all followed her inside, and up the elevator to the 4’th floor, and down to the end of the hall.
Carrie unlocked the door, and everyone pushed their way in, running around the apartment, looking at stuff. She threw her keys on the counter, watching.
“Whoa, check out this view!” said Sarah from the window. There was a view of Lake Superior, and a lot of the city as well, that was spectacular.
“You must spend a fortune to live here!”
“Not really, housing is very inexpensive in Duluth.”
~*~*~*~
Even though Carrie hadn’t said so, they all ended up spending the night at her place. Carrie only had two bedrooms, so some of them slept on the floor or the couch. JC slept in the spare room.
As Carrie was drifting off to sleep, around 2 AM, she remembered those nights back in Florida when she would share JC’s bed with him, and he would just hold her all night. She rolled over and tried to fall asleep, tried to forget about that.
They had spent the whole night, the group of them, reminiscing and joking about old times, telling stories and reacquaiting. By the time the all went to bed, Carrie’s stomach hurt from laughing so much. It had almost been like she and JC never broke up. They got along so well, and she found herself having a blast.
Should I take him back? she wondered. He does seem so sincere and all, what reason do I have not to?
Carrie fell asleep before she even knew it. She fell into a dream. She dreamt she was back in the hospital in Orlando, after she had collapsed at the competition. Her dad was once again talking to her, and telling her that JC loved her. But when she’d woke up, she didn’t tell him how she’d felt.
And now, in the dream she was currently having, he hadn’t done what he’d done that day. JC looked at Carrie, and started to drift away. She reached out her hand to him, but he was already gone.
Now it was really cold. She was back home, and it was winter. Snow was blowing outside her window, swirling over the frozen lake. Carrie was sitting in her window seat, alone.
A voice started to talk out of nowhere. It sounded a little like Lance, it was really deep, but she couldn’t see him. He said, “If you never had him.” That was all he said. Carrie was confused.
Just then, Melissa and Justin were there. They walked in hand-in-hand, smiling. Carrie tried to talk to them, to ask them to do something, but they didn’t hear. Then they were gone.
Next, Sarah and Joey were there. They were sitting in the chair, cuddling. He was whispering in her ear while she giggled.
“Hey!” Carrie yelled. “You guys, can’t you hear me?!” They didn’t respond.
Then they were gone too. Carrie was alone again. It was so cold and dark! Then she was suddenly in sunny Florida, by JC’s pool. But he wasn’t alone.
He was with a girl. They were splashing and laughing in the pool. Carrie called out his name, but he didn’t hear her.
While Carrie watched in horror, JC took the other girl in his arms and kissed her deeply. Carrie gasped, shocked. She didn’t know she was dreaming, but she vaguely thought that this was what her life would be like if she and JC had never been together.
This was turning into a very scary nightmare. Carrie started to feel shaky and panicky, as it usually is with nightmares.
JC still didn’t see her, he was kissing the strange girl. Carrie felt sick. She started to scream in the dream.
She was now alone in the dark, in the lonely mist, running for help.
PART FORTY-FIVE
She was screaming out loud as well, tossing in her bed, still in the midst of her nightmare.
Her bedroom door flew open, and hands were shaking her, trying to wake her up. Carrie was crying, and she suddenly woke with a jolt, tears streaming down her face.
JC was in her room, holding her in his bare arms. Carrie’s eyes registered that it was him, and she took a deep shuddering breath.
“Carrie, are you alright?” he whispered, not wanting anyone else to wake up.
“JC?” she asked, feeling confused and scared. Her eyes were still brimming with tears.
“Yeah, I’m here. Did you have a nightmare?”
She nodded. “A terrible one! It was so horrible!”
JC drew her to his chest and held her head against it. “Tell me what it was about.”
Carrie relaxed into him, remembering that he used to always wake up when she had bad dreams. She remembered her dream vividly.
“I was here, all alone, and nobody could hear me. Melissa and Justin were there, and they ignored me, same with Sarah and Joey. I yelled and yelled, but they didn’t even look at me!” Her muffled voice came out of his chest.
“Shh, it was just a dream.” He soothed her like a child. “Was that all?”
"No. Then I was back in Florida.” She sat up and sniffled, rubbing her eyes to look at him.
“Ok?” JC prodded, his eyes watching her with concern. “Then what?”
“And I saw you, and you didn’t hear me. And you... you were with someone else.”
“Who?”
"Another girl. You were kissing her.”
“Oh. Well, that was just a dream. I haven’t kissed any girl since I’ve been away from you!” JC smiled. “Well,... except my mom.”
Carrie smiled back, feeling a little better. “I don’t know why, it was just really scary being invisible like that. It made me realize I don’t want to go through life alone like that.”
JC listened attentively, sitting next to her. Was she saying she would take him back?
Carrie sighed deeply. “I’m sorry I woke you up, JC. I must’ve been talking in my sleep.”
“Well, you were calling out my name, so I thought you wanted me to come in here. And it was no problem at all, I wasn’t asleep.”
“I was calling your name?”
“Yeah. But hey, it’s all over now, right? Do you want a glass of water or something?”
Carrie shook her head. “I hope I can fall asleep again, my heart is still pounding.”
“I’ll stay here with you until you do, how ‘bout that?” JC said.
“No, you don’t have to.”
“I want to.” JC looked at her, and even in the dark of her room, she could feel his blue eyes on her green ones.
Carrie leaned back on the pillows. “What are you gonna do, just sit there?”
“No, I’ll do what I always did to help you sleep when we were in Florida. Remember?” He smiled in the dark.
Carrie smiled too at the memory. “I do! When you used to sing me to sleep.” Ever since she left the hospital, she’d always had trouble falling asleep easily. If JC sang to her, it always worked like a charm.
"Ok, what shall it be tonight, Miss Alexander? Any requests?” JC pretended to be holding a mike.
“You pick.” She looked up at him, nestled in the pillows.
“Ok....” He started to sing a song that he knew she loved, by ‘NSync’s friend Phil Collins, called "You'll Be In My Heart":
“Come stop your crying.
It will be all right.
Just take my hand
Hold it tight.
I will protect you
From all around you
I will be here, don’t you cry...”
Carrie watched him sing with that beautiful voice she knew and loved. He knew that “You’ll Be In My Heart” was one of her favorites.
“For one so small,
You seem so strong.
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm.
This bond between us can’t be broken
I will be here, don’t you cry...”
JC was stroking the locks of hair off of Carrie’s forehead. She didn’t protest.
“’Cause you’ll be in my heart.
Yes, you’ll be in my heart.
From this day on, now and forever more.
Always...”
Carrie’s eyes started to droop. She watched JC sing with all the emotion he had. Before the end of the song, she was deeply asleep.
JC kissed her forehead, and watched her for a while, loving her even more in this one moment than he thought he ever had.
~*~*~*~
Carrie woke up to a thunderous crash, followed by screeching voices. She shot out of bed and ran into her living room.
Melissa, Sarah, Justin, Joey, Chris, and Lance were all there. Some were holding pillows or towels. All her cushions were strewn on the floor.
Carrie gaped at the scene. “What is going on?!” she asked.
They all looked at her sheepishly. “Um, nothing.” Sarah said. They had been in a huge pillow fight.
Just then, the door call buzzed, saving them. Carrie ran to it.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s Angie.”
Angie was a friend of Carrie’s and also lived next door to her.
“What’s wrong?” Why was she buzzing Carrie from the front door?
“I forgot my key again, can you let me up?”
“Again? OK, here ya go. Hey, call me later!”
“Thanks!”
Chris walked up to Carrie. “Who was that?”
“My friend, Angie, why?”
“How old is she?” Chris was always looking for girls.
Carrie laughed. “No, Chris, I won’t let you corrupt another friend of mine!” Chris had dated almost all of Carrie’s friends. He was such a player.
Carrie walked back to her room. On her way, she passed the spare room where JC was in. She remembered how he had sung to her last night after that terrible nightmare.
Peeking her head into the door, she saw that he was still deeply asleep. His arm was hanging over the side of the bed.
She smiled, and kept walking to her room to get dressed.
Melissa had seen Carrie look in on JC. She curiously watched, then followed her.
Carrie was sifting through her drawer for her cargo shorts when she heard Melissa say behind her: “You do still love him.”
Carrie stood and turned. “Melissa! You scared the hell outta me! What are you talking about?”
“JC, duh! I see the way you’ve been looking at him. And under all that anger and rage at him, you know you do.” Melissa watched Carrie closely.
Carrie was dumbfounded. She listened to what Melissa had to say.
“You know, Carrie, I’m your best friend. And I’ve been with you through some very hard times, just like you’ve been with me.”
“I know, Meliss. And I will always be grateful for you.”
“But, now, Care, you’ve got someone new who will give you so much more! You have someone who worships the ground you walk on, who wants to spend the rest of his life with you! Don’t let that go like I almost did." Melissa looked at her earnestly.
Carrie sighed. “How did you get to be so damn smart, huh?”
Melissa giggled and shrugged. “I don’t know! I guess I know a good thing when I see it. Plus, Carrie, he’s so damn hot!”
Carrie burst out laughing. “Ugh! Melissa!” she said, acting shocked.
Melissa laughed and left her room. “Remember what I said.”
TO BE CONTINUED