Today, we Non-Scorers have happily elected Seth W. (aka House, Icehouse, etc.) into our hallowed Hall of Fame. He has reached for the attention -- and bedrooms -- of attractive women, and he has attained them. He has mastered a level of womanly interaction that no other Non-Scorer, to this point, has ever achieved.
But in the midst of our happiness for Seth's accomplishments, we are also saddened. You see, the term "Non-Scorer" will no longer be used to describe Seth. Now, and forevermore, he will be referred to as an "Honorary Non-Scorer" who chose to want more from his relationships with the opposite sex, and rise above his Non-Scoring roots. He will still be allowed to receive all of the rights and privileges that come with such a status.
And so we thank Seth W., for showing Non-Scorers everywhere that there is hope for a sexually gratifying future. He is the first Non-Scorer granted to this exhalted position, and we are proud to boot his candy ass from our Non-Scoring ranks. Now, the moment you have all been waiting for, here are some words from Seth himself...
(Raucous, thunderous applause) Thank you, thank you. (pause. wave to crowd) Really, please, stop. (bow lightly. Motion crowd to take their seats) Ladies, gentleman, and yes you too Jake. Please, stop the applause. Thank you, you are all too kind.
First and foremost I would like to thank the Non-Scorer's Club, without who none of this would be possible. I truly never thought the day would come that I would be standing here before you as the first ever inductee to the Non-Scorer's Club Hall of Fame. It's a dream come true, something every little boy dreams about. Getting some.
Of course I owe my parents all the thanks in the world too. Without their genetic magnet I would never have transformed from that gangly, awkward, and slightly geeky kid into the handsome, rugged, and slightly geeky young man I am today. It is those genes, a lovely string of atoms, which has propelled me from Non-Scoring Anonymity to Scoring Hall of Famer. Thank you mom, and thank you dad. I owe so much of this to you.
Lastly, I would like to say a special thank you to that first woman who took pity on me and allowed me into her bed. You know who you are, and you'll always have a special place in my heart. If you hadn't given me that chance, well, I may never have believed it possible for a small town guy like myself to become a big city playa. But you showed me that the sky was the limit.
I will always cherish my induction into this fabled Hall of Fame. I hope that I will now serve as a true role model and inspiration to the millions of Non-Scorer's world wide. If I can do it, so can you.
Thank you, thank you all! (exit stage left)
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