Now that I had been humbled, I opted to search for true romance. I traveled into the future and landed on the deck of the Sun Princess (Love Boat) in 1998. Cruise Director Suzanne Zimmerman and Captain Jim Kennedy cordially greeted me upon my arrival. (Author’s note: Stacey Travis played the part of Cruise Director Suzanne Zimmerman, and the late Robert Urich played the character of Captain Jim Kennedy in the TV series Love Boat: The Next Wave, which aired in 1998 and 1999.)

That evening I spruced myself up, rented a black tuxedo jacket, and headed for the ballroom. After finding an unoccupied table, I sat down and ordered a bottle of Zapmeister. Then I carefully scanned the spacious room from left to right, looking for a dance partner.

I spotted a hot prospect. A short, shapely brunette sat all alone, a couple of tables off to my port side. I got up and smoothed out the lapels on my black tux jacket, which I had on over my lustrous, silver, metal suit. Then I ran my hand through my short, light-brown hair and ambled over to her table.

“My fair lady, would you like to dance?”

“Yes, I would! Thanks for asking. You’re certainly a noble-looking gentleman. Who knows, maybe I’ve finally found my knight in shining armor!”

The ship’s orchestra played the “Theme to the Love Boat.” We danced. She looked absolutely stunning. Some simple strands of pearls and sexy, look-at-me, deep-red lipstick highlighted her strapless turquoise party dress.

This presumptuous lady wasn’t bashful. She clamped both of her arms around my waist, tightly embraced me, and rested her head sideways on my right shoulder. She pressed against me so hard that I felt her firm bosoms clear through the thick steel plates of my armored chest. The diamond-studded band on her left-hand ring finger intermittently scraped the warming metal on my back; each little rub ignited flashes of light, which were seen by everyone across the wide, dimly lit ballroom.

I was thoroughly enjoying myself when, from out of nowhere, Danny DeVito (Louie from Taxi) tapped me on the left shoulder. I turned around. Danny shouted, “Hey, you, masquerading in the tin tent! Mind if I cut in so that I can dance with my WIFE?” I hadn’t realized it, but I’d been dancing with Rhea Perlman (Carla from Cheers and Zena from Taxi), whose real-life husband happened to be Danny DeVito.

With my head down and a huge frown on my face, I meandered off the dance floor. I said, “Shucks, I thought that there was some ‘spark’ between us. Lord, how can I lose my lustful mind and find true romance?”

God arrived at the dance. She said, “Wantsalittle, for a minute or so there, you had yourself into a real-tight position!”

“You ain’t kidding! She should’ve told me that she was married. I guess that I’m lucky that I got off the dance floor without getting into a fight.”

“You’re right! Danny let you off pretty easy. Fortunately, he’s got a reputation for being a lover, instead of a fighter. Wantsalittle, do you want to find ‘true romance’?”

“Well, I think that’s what I want!”

“At some point, I knew that it would get down to this. So I had already prepared a brief written document, just for such an occasion. At least, I can give you something to read that may result in your having more insight on this touchy topic.”

The Lord handed me a sheet of paper and said, “I could speak with you all day on the subject of ‘true romance,’ but you might learn more if I share with you what other notable personalities have said in this regard. These inspirational quotes pretty much cover all of the bases and might serve to prevent you from striking out with the ladies. Who knows, you might even hit a ‘home run’ with that special someone!”

I read and got a real kick out of the following noteworthy quotes on the subject of true romance:

Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There’s just too much fraternizing with the enemy.
-Henry Kissinger

He felt now that he was not simply close to her, but that he did not know where he ended and she began.
- Pablo Picas

A woman should soften, but not weaken a man.
- Sigmund Freud

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
- Oscar Wilde

Seek not the favor of women. So shall you find it, indeed.
- Rudyard Kipling

I like not only to be loved, but to be told I am loved.
- George Eliot

The story of love is not important—what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.
- Helen Hayes

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once—she drove me to drink—’tis the only thing I’m indebted to her for.
- W.C. Fields

When I finished reading, God said, “Wantsalittle, here are several additional comments: A relationship between a male and a female can be quite complex in nature. From a male’s perspective, the generalization would be that a man likes good sex and close companionship. And a man wants an ideal mother for his children. The female’s perspective is much the same. A woman also wants good sex and close companionship. And a woman wants a good father for her children. But most women tend to be more emotional in their mental makeup than do most men. Unless a man recognizes a woman’s true needs, emotionally, and unless he is willing to make a sincere, faithful commitment to his mate, he is not likely to get beyond ‘first base,’ at least with any woman who has high moral standards and who is an individual of exceptional character. And a woman must be willing to make a genuine, faithful commitment to her special man, as well.”

“God, do I have to make a sincere commitment with each and every woman who comes into my life? And does every prospective mate have to be sincerely committed to me in return?”

“Wantsalittle, it depends on the individual. For many men and women, making sincere commitments to long-term relationships can be difficult personal decisions. For instance, in many cases, women, because they don’t want to feel ‘used’ or ‘violated,’ physically or emotionally, in any way, are reluctant to commit to intimate relationships before they receive reciprocal true commitments from their prospective partners.”

“Lord, I’m a little confused. Are You saying that I must always make a serious, emotional, long-term commitment to any woman with whom I intend to have sexual relations?”

“Again, Wantsalittle, it depends on the particular individual involved. All that I’m saying is that your intentions should be honorable, and your personal motives for any such intimate relationship or affair should at least be acceptable to your partner, if not also fully understood. In other words, just for the sake of your sexual urges, or just for the sake of your sexual self-gratification, you should never do anything to deceive a woman. Try to look ahead and realize the future implications or consequences of your words and actions. Your making a false or haphazard relationship commitment could end up breaking a woman’s heart. What could be worse is that your selfish, ingenuous, lustful motives also leave your unsuspecting partner with long-term or permanent emotional scars.”

“Damn, God! I’m now beginning to understand what You said earlier about the idea that women, on average, are more emotional creatures than are men.”

“Wantsalittle, did you just use My name in vein?”

“Oh, no, Lord! I would never—”

“Okay, Wantsalittle, I guess that you had your words in the right order. But please try not to refer to members of the human race as ‘creatures.’ And, yes, you are starting to see the light with respect to most women’s emotional framework.”

“Yeah, no wonder W.C. Fields once said, ‘I was in love with a beautiful blonde once—she drove me to drink . . .’”

God laughed, then I asked, “How old should my prospective mate be? I mean, does my age or my prospective mate’s age really matter?”

“Wantsalittle, as it is with other personal criteria—height, weight, general physical appearance, etc.—let your heart and your individual tastes be your guides. So long as you are not violating any of your nation’s or your state’s laws with regard to minors, it matters not, legally or otherwise, how old your partner may be or how many years difference there may be between you and your prospective mate.”

God paused for a couple of seconds, then She continued, “Sometimes, generally for reasons that have to do with maturity and/or personal experience, either the man or the woman might prefer to seek a mate who is a few years older, or even someone who is considerably older. One word of caution: People who differ in age by a generation or more likely will not have enough common interests, which could be an obstacle with respect to mutual success or mutual happiness in that type of relationship.”

Once again, the Lord paused. Then She said, “Overall, however, the age difference between mates wouldn’t be as much concern for couples as other factors—things like: mutual physical attraction, mutual challenge, mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual goals, mutual values, mutual philosophies of life, etc. By and large, ‘age’ is a state of mind. A person may think and/or act much younger or older than his or her actual years. Again, Wantsalittle, follow your heart. Let what is in your heart and what is in your prospective mate’s heart be the principal guides to building and maintaining any mutually rewarding and mutually satisfying relationship, short-term or long-term.”

“Lord, all of what You said makes perfect sense. But I have a question: If a close relationship, regardless of how long the two people have been together, eventually turns sour, when should both partners agree to call it quits?”

God thought for a moment, then She responded, “If two people are growing apart, rather than growing together, and if a separation seems imminent after considerable thought and every realistic effort to reconcile the relationship, the couple should probably split and go their separate ways. They should do this for their own sake and for the best long-term interest of any children that may be affected by the bad marriage or by the bad relationship. And if children are involved, both partners should swallow some personal pride and try their very best to maintain or to establish rational, positive, effective channels of verbal communication, both during and after the breakup, again for the sake of any or all children concerned. Wantsalittle, generally, a good rule of thumb to follow is this: A man and a woman should part ways when one partner or the other accurately realizes that he or she is no longer, nor will ever be again, the top priority of the other.”

The Lord hesitated for a few seconds before She added, “Wantsalittle, there is one more very important thing that I would like to say on the subject of dissolving a bad relationship: There is no such thing as true love or true romance if ‘abuse’ plays a part in the relationship! If either partner, although usually the woman, is physically abused, or if there is excessive mental abuse in the relationship, the victimized individual should immediately seek professional counseling and act quickly to dissolve his or her relationship! If an abused partner remains in the abusive relationship, he or she will increasingly lose self-respect, self-confidence, and self-esteem, making it even harder for that individual to end the bad relationship. Not only that, but any loss of self-respect, any loss of self-confidence, and any loss of self-esteem will also make it harder for that individual to ‘pick up the pieces’ of a broken relationship and start over in a new relationship.”

“Lord, that’s good advice. It appears to me that I should forego any serious relationship until that time that I lose all of my more aggressive, sometimes hostile temperament and socially unacceptable behavior.”

God quickly and emphatically replied, “That is absolutely right! Wantsalittle, you have come a long ways in a short period of time in softening your sometimes aggressive and hostile patterns of behavior. But you still have more to learn and a ways to go before you will make a truly outstanding and loving partner in a long-term relationship.”

I frowned and said, “While there may be some truth to the old adages of ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea’ and ‘a bus comes along every fifteen minutes,’ etc., I am getting tired of ‘playing the field’ whereby my intimate personal relationships are concerned. I will try very hard, starting right now, to eliminate what aggressive tendencies I may still have and make myself more suitable to a quality prospective mate.”

“Wantsalittle, just have some patience. You will find that special someone, probably sooner than you think. First, though, you have to get the rest of your life in order and with the proper perspectives in your thinking, generally. And don’t forget about Marilotta Light. I happen to know that she really likes you, and she aspires to many of your positive character traits, especially your good sense of humor and your ability to effectively communicate with people, overall.”

“Yes, Lord. I may be sad and lonely, but I do have some better personal qualities, already. And thanks to You, I am getting more and more personality and character with each passing day of my journey into time. As far as that ‘special’ lady in my life—well, we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?”

“That’s almost correct. As God, I already know what’s in store for you. But I am not going to tell you about your future.”

“Yeah, yeah. I didn’t expect that You would. It must be nice being You!”

The Lord just snickered, then She said, “Wantsalittle, here are a couple of last significant things that I would like to say on the topic of ‘finding true romance’: First, there’s a big difference between ‘lust’ and ‘love.’ Lust is self-gratifying, while love is how you seek to gratify others. Second, as a foundation to any worthwhile, long-term relationship, there must be mutual honesty, mutual trust, and mutual respect. At the outset, mutual physical attraction or ‘chemistry,’ as it is commonly called, may be necessary between prospective partners. But after the lust for each other wears thin, as will likely happen at some point in time in the vast majority of relationships, it will require common interests together with mutual honesty, mutual trust, mutual respect, and mutual sense of humor to maintain or to strengthen the loving bond between intimate mates.”

“God, You haven’t mentioned the factor of ‘mental challenge’ between prospective partners. From my personal experiences, I have found that if I cannot mentally challenge a woman, her personal interest in me fades fairly quickly. And if a woman does not challenge me, early on in the relationship, I seem to lose interest in her, as well.”

“You’re making a great point, Wantsalittle. I must be getting a little rusty in My old age. Or maybe it’s been too long since I’ve been on a date or had a meaningful relationship.”

The Lord and I both chuckled, then I said, “God, I have a compliment for you: You don’t look very old to me.”

“Thanks, Wantsalittle! But if I weren’t standing here appearing to be Jessica Simpson, who is about twenty-six years of age, just a year or so older than you, you would think that I was older than dirt. And, unfortunately for Me, I am older than dirt. As a matter of fact, I am older than everything. No wonder I can’t get a date!”

The Lord and I both laughed. Then She got back to the topic at hand and said, “Indeed, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship, mutual mental challenge will generally bring prospective mates closer together. No two people are exactly alike, character-wise, or in their personal demeanor, or in their personal interests, etc. The differences between people make their personal relationships more interesting and more mentally challenging. As long as there exists enough common personality traits, enough common personal values, and enough common personal interests, both prospective partners will likely form a close bond with each other as they strive to overcome some of the minor or trivial obstacles in their relationships. Anyway, you’re right on target when you inferred that ‘mental challenge’ is a prerequisite and/or an intermittent instrumental factor to just about any developing and more meaningful relationship.”

“God, what about the notion that ‘a woman scorned is a woman possessed’? It appears to me that there’s truth to the old saying that ‘nice guys finish last.’ And it seems to me that the vast majority of women don’t really respond to their prospective mates or that most women aren’t really all that emotionally attracted to their possible partners until the man says or does something that really pisses the woman off.”

“Wantsalittle, watch your language! Dammit! I am your God for Christ’s sake! You are not really talking to Jessica Simpson!”

“I’m very sorry, Lord! Please forgive me. But why is it okay for You to get pissed and curse and not me?”

“Okay, Wantsalittle, you’re absolutely right! I’m sorry, too. Now, where were we? Oh, I remember. We were talking about ‘a woman scorned is a woman possessed.’ There may be any one or more of a multitude of factors involved, depending on the two specific individuals concerned. For instance, as two people are getting to know each other, over some period of time, one partner or the other may lose interest with the other. The man, for example, may simply ignore the woman or even want to dissolve the relationship. The man’s sudden disregard, if the woman feels shunned by his actions, or should I say ‘non-actions’—anyway, the woman’s confused or frustrated state of mind, or perhaps her attitude of contempt or disdain or rejection, will likely break her self-preoccupation and get her undivided, full attention, particularly if she really likes the guy and is simply perplexed by his scorning her. At that point, the scorned woman will likely become sharply focused on the man and do everything in her power to recapture his interest and attention. In effect, she becomes ‘mentally challenged’ from the circumstance or from the set of circumstances that resulted in her being rejected or scorned. Again, no two people are exactly alike. And people are not perfect beings. The differences between prospective partners and their individual imperfections generally make for numerous mentally challenging moments in their possibly emerging and growing relationships.”

The Lord briefly thought for a moment before She said, “Wantsalittle, as you think with feelings of love in your heart, you will eventually find true romance!” Then, as if God had instantly jumped overboard, or as if She had quickly abandoned the ship, She suddenly disappeared before I could thank Her for all of the valuable tips.

Both embarrassed and disappointed from my slow dance with a married woman, I left the ballroom. I walked out on the open deck of the Sun Princess. I just wanted to get a breath of fresh air. Then I noticed a petite young lady. She was sitting, just off to the left of where I was standing, at a little pedestal table, playing a game of solitaire by candlelight.

I must’ve startled the attractive young woman. When she saw me, she sprang up and out of her chair and accidentally knocked over the already unstable table. Her crystal champagne glass shattered when it hit the deck. Playing cards flew everywhere.

The shorthair blonde, dressed in a low-cut, crimson-red, satin, evening gown, was most alluring. When she bent down to pick up the pieces of broken glass, I offered my assistance. Trying my best to be a perfect gentleman, I said, “Please, my lady, allow me to help you!” But as I took a couple of steps forward, I heard crunching sounds under my recently shined steel boots.

“Hey, you idiot, you’re tramping across some bigger chunks of glass! Now, I won’t be able to clean this mess up without a broom.”

“I’m very sorry! I was simply trying to help. Can I get you another drink, my lady?”

“No, no! . . . I’m sorry that I snapped at you. I’ve had a lousy day. I had no right to—”

I broke in before she could finish, “No apology is necessary. What’s your name?”

“Ellen DeGeneres. And yours?”

“My name is Sir Wantsalittle Morefromlife. You can call me Wantsalittle. It’s a beautiful evening, isn’t it?”

“Yes, I suppose that it is,&3148; she said. “You have a most unique name. Is that your real name, or did you just make it up?”

“That is my real name. Actually, my birth name was Wantsalittle Morenooky, but I changed my last name when I was a young boy for obvious reasons.”

Ellen laughed and said, “I don’t know, as yet, whether or not that you’re being honest with me. I think that you might just be feeding me what you think to be a clever ‘opening line’! To be honest, it really doesn’t matter to me, anyway. Sir Wantsalittle Morefromlife or Morenooky or whoever you really are, look at that gorgeous harvest moon coming up over the horizon!”

“Indeed, it’s quite a sight!” I exclaimed. In truth, I had “gorgeous” on my mind and something in my “sights,” but it had nothing to do with my thoughts or observations about the moon!

Ellen looked as pretty as a playmate. With her splendid, well-proportioned body, curvy in all of the right places, and those bright-blue eyes, she simply took my breath away.

We both strolled, back and forth, across that small section of the top deck on the huge, approximately two-hundred-yards-long ship. We sidestepped our way between tiny pieces of glass and the well-spread-out assortment of playing cards, which had, by that time, blown across the floor in the stiff, warm, autumn breeze.

As we stood, side by side, near the bow of the boat, I put a hand gently under Lady Ellen’s elbow. The thin-figured blonde didn’t comment. She simply glanced at me, then turned her head back toward the bright full moon. I noticed, but chose to ignore, the perplexed expression that had just replaced her adorable smile.

We leaned over the ship’s outer rail and gazed out at the full moon’s big round orange face, which brilliantly and luminously reflected off the surface of the calm, dark-blue sea below. It was truly a romantic setting. We could hear the band inside. They were playing a slow song called “Sea of Love.”

As I admired the view, which included my seeing Ellen’s shapely silhouette against the bright moonshine, I said, “I’ve always dreamed of dancing in the light of the moon. May I have this dance?”

“Yes, Wantsalittle, but I’d better tell you something before we do that. I’m ga—”

As I felt both amorous and optimistic, I put my right hand up, quickly, and gently covered Ellen’s mouth, stopping her in mid-sentence. Then I whispered in her ear, “There’ll be plenty of time for more conversation, later.”

As we danced, I stared, for several seconds, directly into Ellen’s radiant, glowing eyes. Then I slowly lowered my chin onto her bare shoulder. After a few moments, I turned my head toward hers. I saw that Ellen’s narrow, glossy, ruby-red lips were parted—what I believed to be an inviting look of romantic expectancy.

I said to myself, “I think that I’m hopelessly in love. I wonder if Lady Ellen is already betrothed?”

I had a reputation for being light on my feet on the dance floor. But I should’ve looked down. At that point in time, my heavy left boot landed solidly in the center of the “seven of hearts”!

Willie had told me that “seven” was a lucky number. But as my bad luck would have it, I found out that Lady Ellen was gay. She told me about it moments later, when I leaned over to offer her the first of (what I had hoped to be) a series of sweet, juicy, delicious kisses. Shortly after Ellen broke my love-starved heart, I said to myself, “Two-stepping my way across the deck of this boat nearly drowned me in the ‘Sea of Love’!”

(The moral of this episode: True love or romance is largely how you seek to gratify others!)

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