I visited Metropolis in the year 1995. I needed another part-time job, so I went to work for the Daily Planet newspaper as a “maintenance engineer.” I intended to do my best in my janitorial duties.

Lois Lane (Teri Hatcher from the Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman TV series) sat at her desk in the newsroom. The pretty newspaper reporter was working on a story. I began sweeping around Lois’ swivel chair and desk. She was dressed in a black pleated skirt and an emerald-green turtleneck sweater. As I picked up some wads of paper and the rest of the trash around her desk, I glanced over in Lois’s direction, from time to time. She was a real doll. I couldn’t help myself from being attracted to the curvy, shorthair brunette.

I asked, “Lady Lois, would you like me to sweep the mat under your chair?”

“Sure! I haven’t seen you around here until now. What’s your name? And how did you know my name?”

“My name is Wantsalittle . . . Sir Wantsalittle Morefromlife. I saw your name on that little plastic nametag, which is pinned to the front of your sweater.”

Lois was a little embarrassed. Her face turned beet red for several moments. Then she said, “I put on this little nametag every morning before I go to work. You’d think that I could remember that my name is well advertised to anyone who walks close by. It’s nice to meet you, Sir Wantsalittle. Let me scoot back out of your way, so that you can clean under my desk.”

The swivel chair had casters. As Ms. Lane scooted her desk chair back, her skirt hiked up to just above her knees. Then the lovely reporter propped the sole of her jet-black, left, high-heel shoe against the bottom drawer of the desk and shoved herself backward, clear across the gray vinyl floor mat. I only saw a respectable portion of Ms. Lane’s slender lower legs and shapely thighs. Still, the sight was spectacular, and it sent a swift, sharp shiver up my spine!

“My Lady Lois, you are so gorgeous. Would you allow me to be your champion?”

Clark Kent (Dean Cain), who had been sitting at his desk across from Lois, overheard my distasteful and sexually suggesting remarks. He leaped out of his seat and rushed right over in her defense. Clark was so mad that he was speechless. Then he suddenly struck out at me. Clark popped me square on the jaw with a stiff left jab. I flew five feet straight backward and landed right on my noggin.

“We don’t tolerate sexual harassment in this workplace!” Clark shouted. “Wantsalittle, I think that you owe Ms. Lane an apology!”

I immediately responded, “I’m most sincerely sorry, Ms. Lane! I don’t know what got into me.”

“At least you’re man enough to admit it when you’ve made a mistake,” Clark said as he walked back to his desk. “Just don’t let it happen again!”

When I got up, I felt an excruciating pain in my jaw. Once again, I turned toward Lois. I said, with a slight groan in my voice, “I’m curious about Sir Clark? He packs a surprisingly SUPER punch!”

“Would you like for me to call you an ambulance?” Lois asked.

As my knees buckled and I fell back on the floor, I replied, “Yes! That might be a good idea!”

“Wantsalittle, have you ever heard of the ‘Golden Rule’?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“What if the shoe were on the other foot? I mean, if you were me, would you want to be treated this way?”

“No, Ms. Lane, I suppose not!” Then I turned my head away from Lois and whispered, “Lord, what does Ms. Lane mean by the ‘Golden Rule’?”

The Lord flew through the big, wide-open, office window in a Superman costume. The skin-tight outfit showcased God’s every splendid curve and then some. But I wasn’t quite sure, at that moment, why She was dressed as Superman. And I didn’t bother to ask. The sky-blue costume accentuated all of the Lord’s natural physical assets and gave me a whole new perspective on Metropolis’s red-cape crusader.

The Lord said, “Well, Wantsalittle, it looks like you’ve fallen head over heels, literally, for Lois Lane. Or in your case, maybe I should say ‘heels over head.’ Either way, are you all right?”

“Not really! I think that Clark Kent may have broken my jaw. Other than that, I think that I’ll live. Lois called for an ambulance. I guess I’ll take a ride to the Metropolis Hospital and have the doctors check me out.”

“That’s a good idea. Wantsalittle, I suppose that your constantly reverting back to your sexist-minded ways is partially My fault. But I have, for the most part, enjoyed teasing you with My ‘Jessica Simpson’ persona. Oftentimes your immediate reactions really amuse Me. You know, Wantsalittle, I’m not sure that you should have changed your last name when you were a youngster. Wantsalittle Morenooky better suits your great sense of humor, if not also your general personality. Obviously, you’re a pretty horny dude. Somehow, we have got to get you hooked up before you go stark-raving mad!”

“God, Your supposedly keen sense of humor is sometimes misguided. You can see that I’m hurting and feeling bad enough, right now, as it is. Why are You dishing out those cheap shots about my dormant and dismal sex life?”

The Lord snickered and said, “Yeah, I guess that I should be more sensitive to your immediate needs, particularly after we recently discussed the subject of ‘sensitivity.’ Wantsalittle, to be perfectly honest with you, I think that I get a little jealous about your intermittent contact with other attractive women. For example: Your close face-to-bust engagement with Dolly Parton really made Me envious of the naturally endowed country singer and actress. On that particular occasion, I nearly opted to make an uninvited guest appearance before you in My ‘birthday suit’! I thought that if someone was going to leave you ‘breathless,’ that special someone should have been Me! My cloned humanoid form is creating all sorts of havoc with My normally divine mind. Human nature is heavily influencing My thinking and My behavior as of late. And I’m beginning to have biased judgment in your favor, if not also growing, emotional, personal feelings for you, as well.”

“Damn! I’m very disappointed that You didn’t make that uninvited, spontaneous, guest appearance in Your ‘birthday suit.’ I’m trying to picture that scenario in my mind, with every fine and colorful and marvelous detail, right now!”

“Well, Wantsalittle, your dreamy and imaginary and naughty little mental sketch of Me almost became a fascinating, carnal component of your more recent reality!”

“I don’t completely understand all of what You just said, but I think that it’ll take longer for my lovesick heart to mend than it will to heal my broken jaw! . . . Anyway, You are my Creator and my divine source of love and wellbeing. Isn’t it just natural for You to want to be my protecting angel?”

The Lord replied, “Yeah, you’re probably right. Anyway, Wantsalittle, if I were you, I’d forget about your amorous feelings for Lois Lane. In case you’re not aware of it, as yet, Clark Kent is Superman in disguise.”

“I had a feeling that was the case. When Sir Clark isn’t playing Superman, he doesn’t realize his own strength. He damn near turned my lights out, permanently!”

God said, “I know! I have half a notion to sit down and have a little chat with Superman. He was right about the ‘sexual harassment’ circumstance. But if the ‘man of steel’ wants to use his super strength on somebody, maybe he should try to pick a fight with someone who is his own size!”

“God, now You’re talking my kind of language! When do I get to see Your grudge match against Superman. I need to know in advance. I could sell umpteen jillion tickets to that ‘world heavyweight championship’ bout!”

The Lord laughed and said, “Today, I’m going to let your well-intended reference to ‘aggressive’ behavior slide. Instead, let’s discuss the Golden Rule.” God handed me a sheet of paper and said, “Wantsalittle, here are various ways that people throughout the world have referred to what is commonly called the Golden Rule.”

I read the following quotes:

“All things whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, do ye even so to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”
- Jesus (Christianity)

“No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself.”
-Sunni (Islam)

“This is the sum of duty: Do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done unto you.”
-Mahabharata (Brahmanism)

“Surely it is the maxim of loving kindness: Do not unto others what you would not have them do unto you.”
- Analects: 15:23 (Confucianism)

“Regard your neighbor’s gain as your own gain, and your neighbor’s loss as your own loss.”
-T’ai Shang Kan Ying P’ien (Taoism)

“Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find harmful.”
- Udana-Varga (Buddhism)

“We have committed the Golden Rule to memory; let us now commit it to life.”
- Edwin Markham

When I finished reading, God said, “All religions seem to concur: What goes around, later comes around. Or as Norman Vincent Peale phrased it, ‘The universe is like a great echo chamber: sooner or later what you send out comes back.’ As you think about living by the Golden Rule, you will learn to treat others as you would want to be treated yourself.”

“Thanks, God! From now on, I will try to live by this coveted rule. . . . By the way, Lord, You had better keep Your day job. You wouldn’t make a very good ‘Superman’ or ‘Superwoman,’ for that matter. Doesn’t Superman always come to the rescue of somebody before the innocent victim actually gets hurt?”

God chuckled and said, “Well, Wantsalittle, it’s like you just said—an ‘innocent’ victim!” The Lord and I both giggled for a few moments. Then She “flew” out the window of the upstairs office at the Daily Planet and disappeared into thin air, somewhere high above the city of Metropolis.

A few minutes later, I was taken to the hospital and kept there for observation. Doctors wired my broken jaw, and they wrapped my swollen head in a bandage.

I didn’t know it, but George Costanza (Jason Alexander from Seinfeld) was in the next room—actually the same room, separated into two smaller ones by a cloth partition. George was in lying in bed; he had a white cast on the middle finger of his right hand. He had been in some kind of an altercation that ended with him getting roughed up a little and sustaining the unusual injury.

George’s close friends—Jerry, Kramer, and Elaine—stopped by to visit him. The guests each brought gifts. Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld) handed George a plastic liter-size bottle of Pepsi®, which was George’s favorite drink. Kramer (Michael Richards) gave George a fat, foot-long, Black Owl cigar; George promptly stoked up the big stogie. Elaine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) furnished the flowers, a dozen black roses.

Kramer, who was puffing on one of the Black Owl cigars, himself, got curious as to who might be on the other side of the blue curtain that divided the two hospital rooms. He pealed back the drape and saw me lying in bed.

I was playing solitaire on a coffee table of sorts, which was folded out and straddled across my armor chest. A cup of coffee sat on one end of the miniature coffee table, and a Knight Times newspaper, folded up, lay on the other side of the little table. A few words printed boldly across the surface of the table read “The Coffee Table Book About Coffee Tables” by Cosmo Kramer.

I recognized Kramer. With my jaw wired shut, I couldn’t speak. But I wrote Kramer a little note, and I handed it to him. The note said, “Sir Cosmo, this is a GREAT BOOK that also unfolds into a COFFEE TABLE! Can I get you to autograph it?”

Kramer turned around, facing his friends, and said, “Hey, guys, remember the ‘Ass Man’ and the ‘Pig Man’? Well, this time I think that I’ve found a real, authentic ‘KNIGHT MAN’!”

(The moral of this episode: What goes around, later comes around. Treat people as you would want to be treated yourself!)

Back to the Learning Center

Back to the home page