The Endless

Questions of

Zelda 64

The game may have had a great plot, but oh so many questions were left unanswered. So we asked Kaepora Gaebora, everybody's favorite owl! Well, maybe some people's favorite owl. Okay, okay. Nobody likes him. Jeez! Fine, everybody hates his guts! Well anyway, he claims he can answer any question. Of course, sometimes during the late nights here at working on The Closet of Hyrule, he also claims he's Lord Tic-Tac, ruler of Pividivi.

Q: If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

A: I would be a Christmas tree. Umm, could you repeat the question? Hoo hooot!

Q: If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

A: I would be a Christmas tree...crap! Next question. Hoo hooot!

Q: Why did you tell Zelda64Gld to write a fake letter from Dan Owsen?

A: I'm a stupid owl who likes to lie and I lied and it's my fault so you should hate me. How heeet...um, I mean...hoo hooot!

Q: What's next for the Zelda series?

A: Expect many games about being an owl. These games will involve giving advice to Link and waiting. Nintendo already has 3 such games in the works. I'll personally be supervising most of the OW! OW! STOP! CRAP! GREAT BOWLS OF PASTA! STOP! THAT HURTS! OW! STOP! GREAT SAGES, PLEASE STOP!.......Ummm, I've just been informed that there are no games planned that involve being an owl, and the next Zelda game released will be Zelda Gaiden. Hoo hooot!

Q: Is it true that you've been hitting drugs pretty hard lately?

A: I do not have to answer any questions about what I may or may not have done in the past...or 10 minutes ago. Hoo hooot!

Q: What are those claw marks on the tree in Lake Hylia? 

A: Those marks were made by the evil water demon Morpha, with its long, sharp claws. Hoo hooot!

Q: Wait a second, Morpha doesn't have any long, sharp-

A: Yes it does. Shut up. Hoo hooot!

Q: What kind of name is Kaepora Gaebora? That's probably the worst name I've ever heard.

A: My parents weren't exactly the wisest owls ever. Luckily, none of that off rubbed me on. Hoo hooot!

Q: Who is more annoying: Rauru, Navi, or you?

A: Well it's obviously Navi or Rauru. I'm not annoying. That reminds me of a story. I was flying to Hyrule Castle to talk to the king. Now, you must know that the King really loves Pringles. So I was flying to the Bazaar to get some Pringles. When I arrived, I discovered that the door to the Bazaar was locked. I thought, where could I get a key. So I went to the blacksmith, who now lives in the land of Eluryh. He said, "Yeah, I can make a key, but it'll cost ya'!" I said, "How long?" He said, "Five minutes." So I said, "Okay." And he said, "Okay." When I returned in 5 minutes he said, "Here's your key!" and I said, "Thanks!" but he said, "KG, that'll be 70 rupees." Unfortunately, I was broke. He said, "Listen KG, I know's that you short in the Rupee department, but you could works for me for a minute, and we call it even." So I said, "Okay." And he said, "Okay." And I worked for five minutes and he said, "Okay, that's enough." And I said, "Okay." And he gave me the key and I went to the Bazaar. But by the time I got back, the Bazaar was unlocked! I walked in but then the Bazaar guy (who was known as the most handsome guy in Hyrule) got scared. He yelled' "Die foul beast!" and threw a knife into my head. I guess I can't blame him. He must not have seen many seven-foot tall owl before. I was then in need of serious medical assistance. The Bazaar shop guy said, "I can help you. But first you gotta' get me the Tri-force" I said, "I know where the Triforce is, and I shall tell you." Then I told him and he stole it. I did die but also luckily had a fairy in a Zip-Lock bag, which healed me. I then went to this guy and took the Tri-force back. I said, "If you give me a can of Pringles, I shall spare your life." He said, "What's Pringles?" I said, "These chips that come in a can. They're very tasty". He said, "This is the land of Hyrule, where there are absolutely no edible products." I realized he was right so instead of killing him I made him very ugly. I then went to the King empty-handed. I told the King this story and he was very sympathetic. The King said, "Kaepora, my main man, you shouldn't have told him that you get the Tri-force by simply...am I boring you? I guess the story kind of goes downhill from there. Okay, next question. Hoo hooot!

Q: What sage were you?

A: I was the Sage of Wind, but all the other sages always called me the Sage of Urinals. Hoo hooot!

Q: How come you can talk? Are you related to that owl in the Tootsie Roll Pop commercial?

A: Ummm...yes! He's my distant cousin. I think. Hoo hooot!

Q: Why do you twist your head? Do you think it makes you look smart? It doesn't.

A: Ummm...I have serious neck problems. It helps my neck feel better. And it does make me look smart? Right? Right? Hoo hooot!

Q: How do you get the Tri-force?

A: Just ask yourself: How don't I get the Triforce? Then you'll know. Yes, that's it. Hoo hooot!

Q: How do you beat the running man?

A: You simply kill Ganondorf three times in a row, then you get less than 45 seconds while trying to beat him. Simple. Hoo hooot!

Q: Why doesn't Link sleep at night?

A: Hylian pep pills. You get them in the Sky Temple. Hoo hooot!

Q: Why doesn't Link eat?

A: He does eat. Why do you think he keeps fairies in bottles? Hoo hooot!

Q: Why does Link wear a dress?

A.: Why shouldn't Link wear a dress? A hero needs comfort and ventilation! Hoo hooot!

Q: How can the Gerudos only have 1 male child every hundred years. Let's assume Gerudos can't have children after 45. She then has a male child. 15 years later another Gerudo has a female baby by the male Gerudo. 45 years later that child has her last child, a female. 60 years have passed since he was born. Let's assume he has a one last kid, a female. He is now unable to have any kids. Shouldn't the Gerudo race be dead after this child dies, at about 70 years old. At this time the race can be at most about 175 years old, but then it wouldn't be much of a race, would it? The only way possible for this to be possible is asexual reproduction. Is that what happens?

A: Well...how about you just shut the hell up! Hoo hooot!

Q: What does King Zora do in his spare time?

A: He plays professional basketball. Hoo hooot!

Q: Wouldn't Jabu-Jabu's waste contaminate Zora's fountain?

A: Actually, it is a little known fact that Hyrule has an excellent sewer system. Hoo hooot!

Q: Does kid Link wear underwear?

A: We can only hope. Hoo hooot!

Q: Why doesn't Navi just die?

A: Navi is your friend! Hoo hooot!

Q: What are those things under Queen Ghoma's arms?

A: Giant Swiss deodorant crystals. Hoo hooot!

Q: Why does Ghoma have a dividing sign in her eye?

A: They say that the umm...eye is the window to the soul. Ghoma is quite a math whiz, and it shows through her eye! Um, yeah. Hoo hooot!

Q: Why is there a horse's head in the shooting gallery?

A: Actually, horse hunting is quite popular in Hyrule. Why do you think Lon Lon Ranch breeds horses? For riding? Ha, ha, ha...Hoo hooot!

Q: Why would people hunt horses when they could hunt you?

A: Horses are delicious. They've got this great smooth texture to their meat...or, um, so I hear! Hoo hooot!

Q: When you read Dampé's journal, he says that he'll give you his "stretching, shrinking keepsake". Just to clarify, what exactly does he mean?

A: He is talking about the Hookshot. Hoo hooot!

Q: What would happen if Link and Ganondorf touched their Tri-Force pieces together?

A: I hope that you mean the sacred relic of Hyrule. If they touched their pieces of the Tri-Force together, they would both explode! Hoo hooot!

Q: Why is it that you can throw a bomb at a guard, or walk 10 feet in front of him, and not get caught, but if you tiptoe 5 feet behind him, he does?

A: While wearing those weird helmets, guards cannot see or hear. They rely on slight air pressure changes near them to detect intruders. Hoo hooot!

Q: Why does that gate guard in Kakariko village wear that mask for his "kid" 24 hours a day?

A: Well...he just hasn't had a chance to give it to his kid yet. Hoo hooot!

Q: Will Link ever marry Zelda?

A: Only a reincarnated sage could answer that question! Hoo hooot!

Q: Why does the Skulltula family always dance around like that?

A: Nice, healthy aerobics! Hoo hooot!

Q: In a dance contest, who would win: Darunia or a scarecrow?

A: Darunia has got some moves, but the scarecrows really get down. Plus there are two of them. The scarecrows would win. Hoo hooot!

Q: Why doesn't guy on the roof in Kakariko Village starve?

A: The helpful villagers throw up sandwiches to him. Hoo hooot!

Q: Who would win in a chess match between Rauru and Navi?

A: Well, it's hard to say. Rauru would probably start trying to eat the chess pieces, while Navi would repeatedly say: "Hey! Why don't you move your pawn."

Q: How can the Koroki children leave the forest at the end of the game?

A: Ummm...a magic potion! Hoo hooot!

Q: Is Rauru gay?

A: Yes! Hoo hooot!

Q: If Farore is the god of courage, why does her magic let you run away?

A: Ummmm...next question! Hoo hooot!

Q: Are Nabooru's thighs huge or is she just ahead of the trends with baggy pants?

A: A combination of both. Hoo hooot!

Q: Why don't you leave Link alone? He doesn't like you and you don't help him.

A: Leave me alone. Hoo hooot!

Q: Why doesn't Zora's Domain unfreeze?

A: I...don't...know. Hoo ho...ah screw it.