"i will survive."
"i hollered out the front door
"the child gives, because the body can, and the mind of the violator cannot."
"they think not but that every eye can see
"time thought i'd made friends with time thought we'd be flying maybe not this time"
"and you're mistaken, it's you that's faking
"do you sometimes wish you didn't have to go home? do you wish your feet would one day keep
walking and take you far away from mango street, far away and maybe your feet would stop in
front of a house, a nice one with flowers and big windows and steps for you to climb up two by
two upstairs to where a room is waiting for you. and if you opened the window latch and gave it a
shove, the windows would swing open, all the sky would come in. there'd be no nosy neighbors
watching, no motorcycles and cars, no sheets and towels and laundry. only trees and more trees
and plenty of blue sky. and you could laugh. you could go to sleep and wake up and never have to
think who likes and who doesn't like you. you could close your eyes and you wouldn't have to
worry what people said because you never belonged here anyway and nobody could make you sad
and nobody would think you're strange because you like to dream and dream. and no one would
yell at you if they saw you out in the dark leaning against a car, leaning against somebody without
thinking you are bad, without somebody saying it is wrong, without the whole world waiting for
you to make a mistake when all you wanted, all you wanted, was to love and to love and to love
and to love, and no one could call that crazy."
"and i don't want the world to see me,
"i wish that i had never seen your smile your name is written on my soul in alphabetic file all i've
got's my dignity so i will leave in style there's a million of us crying over here any time i talk to
you there's no one listening every time i reach for you there's no one there and everywhere i look
for you, you're nowhere to be found i swear."
"the world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."
"nellie clark"
"at the garbage dump, from all the piles of cans and broken glass, i saw a flower growing. how
does such a pure thing grow from such desolate soil? how could a flower as beautiful and natural
as the flowers of the meadows have possibly flourished in garbage? yet it did. as survivors of
sexual abuse, we are like the flower at the dump - we have grown against the odds. there was
something within us greater than the environment in which we grew up, a light which simply
could not be snuffed out. nothing could stop our spirits from blossoming."
"the citadel of my integrity has been irrevocably lost."
here are some quotes which i've found that have helped me feel less alone. if you have any of your own which are
particularly inspirational, eloquent, or just plain straightforward, please send them my way. i'd love as much input
from all of you as possible.
- carrie eaton, date rape victim
and the back;
he didn't hear.
i didn't think he would.
the wind took my voice and busted it
into a thousand pieces,
so small
the sound
blew out over the graves,
thinner than a sigh"
- karen hesse, writer, from her novel "out of the dust"
- maya angelou, writer, from her novel "i know why the caged bird sings"
the same disgrace which they themselves behold;
and therefore would they still in darkness be,
to have their unseen sin remain untold;
for they their guilt with weeping will unfold
and grave, like water that doth eat in steel,
upon my cheeks what helpless shame i feel."
- william shakespeare, writer, from his poem "the rape of lucrece"
"they're too many stars and not enough sky"
"i'm already in circles and circles and circles again the girl's in circles and circles got to stop
spinning circles and circles and circles again thought i was over the bridge now"
- tori amos, musical artist, from the songs "baker baker," "the waitress" and "cloud on my tongue"
living and breathing and dying too
this message is for anyone who dares to hear a fool
you can't bring me back, you can't bring me back"
"ain't it funny how we pretend we're still a child
softly stolen under our blanket skies
and rescue me from me, and all that i believe
i won't deny the pain
i won't deny the change
and should i fall from grace here with you
will you leave me too?"
"inside the future of a shattered past
i lie just to be real, and i'd die just to feel"
- the smashing pumpkins, musical group, from the songs "fuck you (an ode to no one)," "galapogos," and "tales of a
scorched earth"
- sandra cisneros, writer, from her novel "the house on mango street"
'cause i don't think that they'd understand.
when everything's made to be broken,
i just want you to know who i am."
- goo goo dolls, musical group, from their song "iris"
- cowboy mouth, musical group, from their song "how do you tell someone"
- ernest hemingway, writer
i was only eight years old;
and before i grew up and knew what it meant
i had no words for it, except
that i was frightened and told my mother;
and that my father got a pistol
and would have killed charlie, who was a big boy,
fifteen years old, except for his mother.
nevertheless the story clung to me.
but the man who married me, a widower of thirty-five,
was a newcomer and never heard it
till two years after we were married.
then he considered himself cheated,
and the village agreed that i was not really a virgin.
well, he deserted me, and i died
the following winter.
- edgar lee masters, from his book "spoon river anthology"
- anna lee, musical artist
- lawrence of arabia, after being captured and raped
these were songs that, when i read the lyrics and heard the words, spoke to me in a way i could not understand. i know
that a couple of them weren't written with sexual violence in mind, but nevertheless they help me feel, they help me
remember, they help me grow. and i wanted to share them here.
"to this day" written by k's choice
i'm waiting here for the bus to come
i'm lying on a bench
thinking of a book i read
and wondering what it meant
i hear footsteps coming closer
it's an ordinary man
he comes up to me, shakes my hand
and asks me who i am
i'm paralyzed, i can't talk or move
what could i say
and before i have a chance to think
i tell this man my name
he smiles and looks away
but i still don't know the answer to this day
"the one" written by tracy bonham
i sleep the day away
giving you all i can
ready to reach new lows
dying to wash my hand
you're the one
that froze the sun
say you love me as
you pull the trigger
better today
rather than
tomorrow
heaven is in the air
hiding behind your blinds
heaven is right out there
leaving me here behind
you're the one
that froze the sun
say you love me as
you pull the trigger
better today
rather than
tomorrow
you should enjoy the
weather
soon you'll burn with
what you've done...
you'll hurt no one.
"break so easily" written by the mighty mighty bosstones
you would break so easily/so fragile that it frightens me/a harsh sudden reality/a painful possibility/to see it's like the
strangest dream/to be it needs to still be seen/as loud as any noise you've heard/as quiet as a whispered word/try to
answer questions forced/forced inside of me/you were forced across the line/you're not providing me/you would break
so easily/i watched you break so easily/what's it like to be right up against/not stay on this side of the fence/a line so
fine it can't be traced/a life so suddenly erased/two came through just like a train/a flash and nothing's been the
same/try to answer questions forced/forced inside of me/you were forced across the line/you're not providing
me/providing me with what i need/to put a cover on/you took the answers when you broke/so easily you're gone/once
the same until/you broke so easily/tell me now
"mother's day" written by nada surf
i wanna know, i wanna know
do you have the balls to ask
what do you see when you look at a girl
is she a game you wanna win
if no one was looking
what would you do to get in?
do you have friends who would be proud
if you went in for the kill
do you have friends who would do it
even against her will
what if they did that to your sister
what if they did that to your mother
why are we so slow
why are we so slow
i bet you think you're such a hotty
but a body afraid is not a sexual body
what do you see when you look at a girl
is she a game you wanna win
if no one was looking
what would you do to get in?
every bodies been laughed at and
every bodies been left out but
its no excuse to turn it around
no boy has the right to hold a girl down
what if they did that to your sister
what if they did that to your mother
on your star wars sheets
where you set the scene
was she seducing you
or did she want to scream
its you vs. you
i can't forget that tomorrow's mothers day
i'm talking to you, you know who you are
you're going to far
you'll feel good for ten seconds
she'll be screwed up for life
blue balls and all of that bullshit.
"me and a gun" written by tori amos
5 am
friday morning
thursday night
far from sleep
i'm still up and driving
can't go home obviously
so i'll just change direction
cause they'll soon know where i live
and i wanna live
got a full tank and some chips
it was me and a gun
and a man on my back
and i sang "holy holy"
as he buttoned down his pants
me and a gun
and a man on my back
but i haven't seen barbados
so i must get out of this
yes i wore a slinky red thing
does that mean i should spread
for you
your friends
your father
mr. ed
and i know what this means
me and jesus a few years back
used to hang and he said
"it's your choice babe just remember
i don't think you'll be back in three days time so you choose well"
tell me what's right
is it my right
to be on my stomach
of fred's seville
and do you know carolina
where the biscuits are soft and sweet
these things go through your head
when there's a man on your back
and you're pushed flat on your stomach
it's not a classic cadillac
"letter to a john" written by ani difranco
don't ask me why i'm crying
i'm not going to tell you what's wrong
i'm just gonna sit on your lap
for five dollars a song
i want you to pay me for my beauty
i think it's only right
'cause i have been paying for it
all of my life
i'm gonna take the money i make
i'm gonna take the money i make
i'm gonna take the money i make
and i'm gonna go away...
we barely have time to react in this world
let alone rehearse
and i don't think i'm better than you
but i don't think that i'm worse
women learn to be women
and men learn to be men
and i don't blame it all on you
but i don't want to be your friend
i'm gonna take the money i make
i'm gonna take the money i make
i'm gonna take the money i make
and i'm gonna go away...
i was eleven years old
he was as old as my dad
and he took something from me
i didn't even know that i had
so don't tell me about decency
don't tell me about pride
just give me something for my trouble
'cause this time, it's not a free ride
i'm gonna take the money i make
i'm gonna take the money i make
i'm gonna take the money i make
and i'm gonna go away...
don't ask me why i'm crying
i'm not going to tell you what's wrong
i'm just gonna sit on your lap
for five dollars a songs
i want you to pay me for my beauty
i think it's only right
'cause i have been paying for it
all of my life
now i just wanna take
and i'm just gonna take
i'm gonna take
and i'm gonna go away
"the child is gone" written by fiona apple
darling, give me your absence tonight
take the shade from the canvas and leave me the
white
let me sink in the silence that echoes inside
and don't bother leaving the light on
'cause i suddenly feel like a different person
from the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion
and i ran my hand o'er a strange inversion
a vacancy that just did not belong
the child is gone
honey help me out of this mess
i'm a stranger to myself
but don't reach for me, i'm too far away
i don't wanna talk 'cause there's nothing left to
say
so my darling, give me your absence tonight
take all of your sympathy and leave it outside
'cause there's no kind of loving that can make this all
right
i'm trying to find a place i belong
and i suddenly feel like a different person
from the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion
and i ran my hand o'er a strange inversion
as the darkness turns into the dawn
the child is gone
the child is gone
"jenny says" written by cowboy mouth
i got no reason for the things i fear the things that plague me when i see and hear a dime's a nickel and a nickel's none
i'll throw myself into the sunday sun a summer sunday when you went insane you said you're going and i said i came
i'm throwing oranges in an apple cart the ties that bind are tearing me apart jenny says turn off the radio jenny says turn
out the light jenny says turn off the video you beat yourself up to bring yourself down let it go! let it go! let it go! let it
go! let it go! let it go! when the world is coming down on me i let it go i got no reason for the things i say she turned
toward me then she turned away there's lot of forces in a modern world that take a toll upon a modern girl i got no
reason for the things i fear the things that plague me when i see and hear i'll press my finger on an itchy trigger what
once was small right now is so much bigger i got no reason for the things i do the dealer deals and then the dealer's
screwed you throw your cards upon a playing table my name is cain and i am now unable you beat yourself up 'cause
you love it life is worth living
"flowers never bend with the rainfall" written by simon & garfunkel
through the corridors of sleep
past the shadows dark and deep
my mind dances and leaps in confusion.
i don't know what is real,
i can't touch what i feel
and i hide behind the shield of my illusion.
so i'll continue to continue to pretend
my life will never end,
and flowers never bend
with the rainfall.
the mirror on my wall
casts an image dark and small
but i'm not sure at all it's my reflection.
i am blinded by the light
of god and truth and right
and i wander in the night without direction.
so i'll continue to continue to pretend
my life will never end,
and flowers never bend
with the rainfall.
it's no matter if you're born
to play the king or pawn
for the line is thinly drawn 'tween
joy and sorrow,
so my fantasy
becomes reality,
and i must be what i must be
and face tomorrow.
so i'll continue to continue to pretend
my life will never end,
and flowers never bend
with the rainfall.
"sleep" written by stabbing westward
she's been here so many times before
she can't remember when she last felt anything at all but this fear and anger
she stares intently at the door listens for his footsteps
she knows exactly what's in store and the knowing makes it worse
when he calls her daddy's litle girl she doesn't hear him
when he crushes her she can't feel
her screams are silent
hides in the corner of her mind where she plays contently
she leaves this nightmare far behind, escapes inside her dreams
floating high above her bed staring at her fathers head
wishing one of them was dead so this hell could finally end
"survivors are smart" by anna lee
shutting down
dissociating
cannot feel my body
i'm hibernating
survivors are smart...
blind repression
preserves the soul
letting me grow 'till i'm strong enough
to face the gaping hole
calling it my fault
save me from recognizing the loss
of the one dad that i had
survivors are smart...
today i'll be clever
today i'll be dense
both are intelligent
both make sense
pain kept me grounded
and being many souls
kept part of me alive
long enough to heal
yes, i survived
embraced is what I feel
yes, i survived
in body and in heart
yes, i survived
and now i do not have to be so smart
survivors are smart...
