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Ever wonder why you attract junk mail promoting laxatives and funeral insurance rather than rock concerts and tanning salons--or vice versa?

Blame the 1990 and 2000 censuses, goldmines for marketing firms targeting potential customers through analyses of lifestyle demographics.

The Internet even allows anyone to surf through zip codes for the same data, courtesy of ClaritasExpress.com.

No, not the allergy-medication folks, but a free service describing neighborhoods through systems defining 48-62 lifestyle types.

But it ain't perfect, despite the corporate assertion that "you are where you live."

For example: The systems say The Editor most likely is blue collar, earns $20,000, eats Wheaties, watches the 700 Club, Tony Awards and Orange Bowl Parade, reads Discover Magazine, doesn't own a personal computer and avoids automatic-teller machines.

Wrong: The Editor is retired white collar, has healthy Social Security and retirement benefits, eats cornflakes, watches cable news, reads paperback fiction, maintains a website on a muscle PC, has a debit card and would drop dead before watching awards programs or parades.

No wonder The Editor's neighbors ignore him. (13 MAY 2001)

E-mail: higgens@aol.com