When I go the movies I go to watch a movie. I put up with the lobby full of advertisements for upcoming movies because it is all part of the movie business. Where else should coming attractions be advertised than in the theatre where they will be shown? The same holds true for the previews at the beginning of movies, they can even be enjoyable at times, provided they aren’t advertising the sequel to Spiceworld. I thought I had seen it all in movie advertising, I had hoped that the theatre owners wouldn’t sink any lower in their quest for higher revenues (getting ripped off at the snack bar is bad enough).

Imagine my surprise as I sat in my seat, soft drink in hand, anxiously awaiting the start of the previews the other night. The lights dimmed, the screen went black, and the sound of the projector filled the room. Then, creeping up softly at first and slowly crescendoing I heard “Tonight, Tonight” from “West Side Story” playing. Great, I thought, its about time they updated some of the old musicals. Then, just as the screen changed from black to an image of fresh snow on a mountaintop, I realized just where I had been hearing that particular tune lately: on TV. I was suddenly taken aback with the realization of just what I was watching. There was the good-looking female snowboarder with the green lipstick sliding down her mountainside, and there was her male counterpart sliding down the opposite mountainside. They both leapt off their respective cliffs simultaneously and met in a graceful mid-air embrace. The young man reached into his pocket and pulled out an ice-cold Mountain Dew, and not one, but two straws. The music swelled in the background as the young lady leaned over to softly whisper in his ear. “Lets just be friends.” she says as she reaches out and snatches the refreshing beverage from his hand and pulls the ripcord on his parachute. She guzzles the beverage as the disheartened young man sails upward, and three minutes of my life are wasted on some stupid promotional advertisement that I actually PAID to get in to see.

If I want to see commercials, I’ll watch TV, when I go to a movie theater I expect to see a movie, no commercials, just the occasional hidden subliminal message telling me to go to the snack bar, fondle my date, or kill my parents.

I really hope this is just an isolated test case, and will not blossom into an industry-wide trend. If so I know movie revenues will drop, which will lead to theater owners putting more commercials into movies to make up the revenues lost, which will lead to even greater movie losses, eventually causing the end of Hollywood and a rash of mass suicides among struggling actors in Los Angeles. The good side to that however is there would undoubtedly be an increase in the number of people who go out and watch plays.

Seriously though, what will this lead to if we begin to accept it as part of our moviegoing experience? A mid-movie commercial break? Even more gratuitous product placements in movies? Actors endorsing products through their dialogue in the movie? I can just see Adam Sandler endorsing jock itch cream in “The Waterboy.”

“Man, Adam, my balls sure itch” says the uncomfortable-looking quarterback. “That’s because you don’t use Jock Off Itch Cream Richie!” replies Sandler. “Remember, before you kick off, Jock Off.”