Here it is in it's entirety, the best column I have ever written, enjoy!
Originally this column was going to be about something entirely different, something inconsequential that served little more purpose than filling up space on this illustrious back page. Something happened Saturday night that changed all that. Some ignorant, worthless pile of sloth feces broke into my truck and made off with my entire collection of CDs. Oh, and the hygenically-challenged half-wit also took the time to rifle through my ash tray and make off with the 2.65 in change contained therein, which he is probably drinking down in cheap 40s at this very moment.
I had close to 70 CDs in that case, which I unfortunately left sitting on the passenger seat of my truck on that fateful night. That?s around 700-800 bucks retail. Granted, if the degenerate who stole them tries to sell them he?ll probably only get about 150-200 dollars, but that?s still a large chunk of change that just waved bye-bye to me and is now going to finance some brainless miscreant?s Pokemon card collection.
So here I sit, CD-less, pissed off, and in utter despair because I know some moron is sitting behind the wheel of his ?fly ride? throwing my entire collection of Bad Religion CDs out the window while cruising the back roads looking for sheep with their heads stuck in the fence.
It kind of helps to imagine the stinky bastard popping in the CD with the picture of a naked chick on it and discovering it?s Alanis Morrissette, or to picture his face when he cracks open the case and screams in disappointment, ?What? NO N*SYNC?? It doesn?t help that much though, I?d still like to plant a tack hammer right between his beady little eyes.
Sorry fella, you won?t find any of your funky-fresh grooves in my CD case. Imagine how pissed your goat-roping buddies will be when they open up your new CD collection and find ?The Phantom of The Opera.? They might not let you come over to their houses and watch MTV with them! You?ll probably have trouble picking up empty-headed hos while bumping to Live, and I?m sure you?ll find it hard to bump and grind to the likes of NOFX. You know, if you?ve got nothing better to do on a Saturday night than run around breaking into the vehicles of honest law-abiding citizens, I kind of feel sorry for you. Why don?t you try getting a job, or finishing high school, or brushing your teeth?
I?m not a violent person, in fact I don?t think that violence ever solves anything, but if I ever find out who that low-life scumbag is I?m going to send him crying to his mama, that is if he can remember what street corner she works on.
The police can?t do anything about it either. I guess they?ve got more important crimes to solve, like who took the last doughnut from the squad room. Hopefully I?ll get some money from the insurance company, at least enough to replace my Bad Religion discs, but I don?t really see them doing a lot for me. After all, they?re entirely too busy throwing darts to determine how much they?re going to raise my premiums each year simply because I?m under the age of 26. Maybe they?re the real crooks in this situation. Nah, it?s the buck-toothed Macauly Culkin lover that slimed his way into my truck that I?m mad at today, I?ll deal with the insurance company next week.
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