"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over 50, and if its SPEED changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.' "

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.' "

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.' "

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?"

"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laugh111111111in', did you?"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene."

"Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!"

"This ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty to make a complete ass of myself."

"Dear somebody you never heard of, how is so-and-so. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Yours truly, some Bozo."

"You jive turkey. See you've got to sas it. Quit jivin' me turkey. You've got to sas it. A turkey is a bad person."

"Give me my dignity. I just came here to see 'Honk if you're horny' in peace."

"Now, what is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden."

"Vampires are make believe. Just like Elves, Gremlins, and Eskimoes."

"Crying isn't going to bring the dog back ... unless your tears smell like dog food. Maybe if you ate a lot of dog food, your tears would start to smell like dog food. So you can sit here and eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food so it brings the dog back, or you can go out and find him"

Lisa:"Boy, Mom sure will be happy you won 50 dollars."

Homer:"You'd think that, wouldn't you? But you see, Lisa, your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's OK in the bible."

Lisa:"Really? Where?"

Homer:"Uhh...somewhere in the back."

"Remember, son, the trick to advoiding jury duty is to say you're prejudiced against all races."

"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy."

"Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!"

"When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy."

"Be quiet, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip"

"In this house, young lady, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"

Homer : "So Lisa your not going to eat any meat anymore, not even bacon?"

LIsa : "No"

Homer : "Ham?"

Lisa : "No"

Homer : "Pork chops"

Lisa : "Dad those all come from the same animal"

Homer : "Yes Lisa, A special magical animal from fairy land!"