There was a guy I liked, okay - so there was no secret about that, I liked him, we used to hang out together a bit, he was a member of my church, couple years older than me - but then one night we went out to see a movie...and he started by holding my hand, that was okay, but then he was touching me more, touch me all over, and taking my hands and putting them on him - I didn't want to do none of this but maybe I did, maybe it meant he cared about me - he just wouldn't stop, not till he'd taken everything...
and i was bad
i didn't fight like i should have
fought
i didn't scream
i didn't
run
just lay like death and tried to tell myself that
this was love...
he kept me for weeks sometimes calling because he wanted it...but otherwise i was just nothing to him...and stupid me stupid stupid i let him do this...told my crazy brain that if i did it even though i didn't want to he would care one day care for me...
and when he finally let me go i knew
just what filth i was
how i was lower than nothing
worthless and i'd sold my soul and my body for
nothing...
i still can't make sense of it even today. Not how i could walk into church and see him sitting there and KNOWING what he did to me and what we did. Whatever faith I had in humanity died right then.
Can't stop thinking about it. There wasn't anyone to tell, not unless I wanted them to hate me and know what kind of whore I was. I knew I was unloveable. I deserved nothing better than what I got. I am so sick of my self.