By Cheryl McCreary
Copyright 1999
The night air was crisp and calm. The singing of nature was music in Buck's ears. Inside Rachel's house Cody still told lively stories. Rachel had allowed Isaac to stay up late to join in the excitement of having Jimmy and Cody home. Buck could still hear the sounds of joy and laughter from inside. He was standing outside in the cold though. His soul wouldn't let him be wrapped in happiness and joy anymore.
Jimmy stood at the corral leaning on the wooden fence. He had left the room earlier than Buck. Buck knew that Jimmy, like him, couldn't exist in a room of happiness either.
Buck silently walked over to the corral fence, his moccasins making no sound. Jimmy knew who was there, and didn't turn to face Buck as he approached. Buck leaned next to Jimmy on the fence. Buck noticed that Jimmy was smoking a cigar. He looked like a good game of poker and a strong drink were much more what his heart desired. While Buck rode away from his heartache, Jimmy drowned his in liquor and women.
But Jimmy hadn't mentioned drinking once. The saloon was just a stroll down the street. Inside Jimmy would find whiskey, women, poker and momentary happiness. But he didn't make that stroll. He knew how much Rachel herself disliked that kind of life. She thought that living by the bottle wasn't really living. She wouldn't want to know that the dance that Jimmy had silently had with whiskey for all those years had gotten out of control. He still had enough of the upper hand to resist tonight though.
At least Jimmy's soul could be calmed by something, even if the effect did wear off. Buck himself had never turned to easing his pain with alcohol. His soul was already too cold. He was numb. He hated the feeling. He cared about little and little bothered him. The looks of anger he got from the townsfolk in Rock Creek and the cavalry rolled over him. He had said those angry words to Custer earlier and held no remorse over them. He hated and cared little about who his actions hurt. He had said angry words to Cody earlier. Words that were he a good man he would have kept to himself. Cody had saved his life and was a good friend. He deserved better than Buck had treated him earlier. But try as he might, Buck couldn't get himself to feel remorse over those words. His heart and soul were too cold and numb to care.
Isaac was the only thing that warmed Buck's soul anymore. When he was with Isaac he felt alive and whole again. His soul wasn't numb and cold with Isaac. He could be a good man like he was long ago. Buck knew that Isaac was the most vulnerable part of his soul and the thread that allowed him to hang onto the world that once was. If ever something happened to Isaac, Buck couldn't live. What was left of his broken heart and soul would die.
Buck looked over at Jimmy. Neither of them said a word. They let the music of the night wash over them. They were now kindred spirits in their grief. They would understand each other, and know each other's pain. Jimmy would understand him just as Isaac did, maybe better in some ways. Jimmy knew the pains of life. He had been a gunslinger and lawman. Buck had a feeling that those days were over for Jimmy. Something had happened to change his old friend. Buck hated to see him sad and hurting. Was this what it was like for Rachel, Teaspoon and Cody to see him?
But still only silence was found between them. Buck knew that Jimmy had already bared his soul to someone else, just as Buck had bared his soul to Isaac. Jimmy had shared his pains and grief with someone. Buck could imagine tears rolling down that strong face, just as tears had so often rolled down his. Neither of them were embarrassed by their pain and tears. They had good reason for them. Buck had known true happiness for a time though. He had been happy with Clara. He had belonged somewhere and had been loved. No matter how bad life would get he would carry the sweet memory of Clara with him. That love and happiness would always dwell in his heart. Jimmy had never known happiness like that. Buck could tell that. Jimmy had loved several women. It was his way to rush into love. But he had never truly had any of those women, for whatever reason. Maybe Jimmy felt like he didn't deserve happiness, maybe it wasn't what fate had planned for the gunslinger. It wasn't this lack of happiness that saddened Jimmy though. That had always been there.
Buck wasn't sure when he knew Jimmy without that feeling of a broken heart on the mend. A soon as Jimmy got over the first women a second would come along bringing more heartache. How many times had Jimmy ridden away from women that he loved thinking that by leaving he was saving them from the harshness of his life? Did tears grace his face when he did that? Did it get easier with practice or was leaving each women as hard as leaving the first? Life had handed Buck heartache and he ran to hide from it his heart longing for the happiness that it had once known and would never know again. Buck knew that Jimmy longed for the happiness his live had never been graced with, but he ran from love to bring happiness to the people that he loved. His friend Jimmy certainly was an odd man, probably as odd as he himself.
All of those broken hearts and lost loves had to be hard on Jimmy. But that wasn't what was wrong. There was more to it. Something else now haunted Jimmy's soul, created that sense of gloom that hung over his friend's head, something that hadn't ever been there before. Buck had no right to ask what it was, and he didn't.
Maybe Jimmy was better off. Having never known true happiness he didn't know all that he had lost. Buck did. But it did sadden Buck that Jimmy might die having never in his life been happy. Buck didn't want that for his friend. And Buck was sure now that whatever Jimmy thought of him, he still trusted Buck, and always would. Jimmy knew no reason not to.
Jimmy had lived his life sizing up men. He had already sized up the new Buck that he had seen in the streets earlier today. The Buck that spoke words filled with anger at Custer, his friend. The Buck that had knowing said hurtful words to Cody and felt no regret over it. The Buck that was cold and distant to Rachel and Teaspoon. Jimmy's wise brown eyes had seen all of this, and soaked it all in. He didn't know this new Buck, but he knew that he could still trust him. He wouldn't have let Buck sneak up on his back earlier if he didn't. Maybe Jimmy saw what little good was left in him. Was there really enough goodness left to be seen?
On to Chapter Twelve
